Not The West Wing: Ft Forum Chain Drama

[Furious D]

Here it is folks, the long awaited new drama for Film Threat Forum

NOT THE WEST WING
AKA- THE LEFT WING, THE RIGHT WING, THE CHICKEN WING

THE CAST SO FAR:

The President- The Baron. Pole Weasel Party Candidate who sweeps into power accompanied by his First Lady Paris Hilton. Things would be going great if he didn't have to deal with stuff like running governments and his no-good brother Judex.

The Vice President- Ellen M. Newly single, ruthless and power hungry. She seeks to destroy President Baron and take his place, if only she can control her secret lust for him.

Press Secretary- Rory L. Aronsky Discovers the secret of being a successful press secretary. Blame the Republicans and you can get away with anything. When the tough questions get asked, he whips out the baseball bat and lets out his battle-cry: "You ain't getting nothing outta me!" Was briefly married to actress Angelina Jolie, but she left him for Billy Bob Thornton, the ultimate humiliation. His memories of the marriage are vague because it happened on the same night he discovered jello-shots.

Secretary of Dirty Tricks- Furious D Runs the Pentagon, FBI, CIA, NSA, IRS, Secret Service and League of Women Voters. Ruthless, deadly, and is the Supreme Grand Poobah of the Secret Fraternal and Beneficial Order of the Pole Weasel. His only weakness: Redheads stun him like kryptonite. Plus he has an infinite variety of handsome clones who do his evil bidding.

Secretary of State- GiGi Part time master diplomat, part time dominatrix, occassional lipstick lesbian (she promises), friend of badgers worldwide and fan of ancient greek poetry.

Warlord of BC- The Dude Cranky Alienated Western Canadian who occassionally plots to take over the world, but is more often just a puppet of those smarter than him. :rolleyes: Last seen stranded on the Island of Beautiful Clones.

President's Brother- Judex No good wastrel who ran the world's most unsuccessful pornography business Jude-XXX into the ground. Only an occasional visitor to the White House since he's frequently kidnapped and/or in rehab.

First Lady- Paris Hilton-Baron Doesn't know much about politics. Doesn't know much about anything, really. But can spot a Jimmy Choo Boutique from over a mile away.

International Pervert-Seedy Edgewick World renowned deviant and Hong Kong sex club proprietor. Made the mistake of pissing off the Big D, and was last seen with his brains dribbling down the shirt of one of his minions.

Vice Presidential Assistant-Jmoronic Ellen's abused toady. Last seen being processed into haggis by a gang of nasty Scottish stereotypes. Ach!

All volunteers and contributors are welcome.

There is only one rule. If you contribute an episode, it must end with a cliffhanger and the person who follows it, must solve that cliffhanger. Other than that: Go nuts.

WARNING: If you do contribute, you run the risk of being made a character in the show. Don't say I didn't warn ya.:D

[Furious D]

NOT THE WEST WING
EPISODE #1: THE INAUGURATION’S OTHER BALL

INT. NEWS STUDIO --DAY
ANCHORMAN, a very serious and sober looking newsman is talking to the camera.

ANCHORMAN
Good evening and welcome to CNN’s live coverage of the inauguration of President Baron. The first non-Republican or Democrat to become President. Joining me now is political loudmouth James Carville.

Camera angle changes to include JAMES CARVILLE.

ANCHORMAN
What’s your theory on how this political and social outsider became President of the United States? I mean he did win with 99% of the popular vote.

CARVILLE
What we got here is a case of mistaken identity. People looked at their ballot and saw “Pole Weasel Party” and immediately thought it was referring to Republicans or Democrats.

ANCHORMAN
Sorry to cut you off, but we now go live to the swearing in ceremony.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAPITOL STEPS –DAY
The CHIEF JUSTICE is holding a bible and THE BARON’s got his hand on it. Looking on is the new first Lady PARIS HILTON-BARON, and VP ELLEN M.

CHIEF JUSTICE
Do you solemnly swear to uphold and protect the constitution of the United States?

BARON
What’s with all the questions?
(Ellen whispers in Baron’s ear to remind him)
Oh, yeah the oath. Yeah sure. Now can we wrap this up? This book is burning my hand.

Baron holds up his hand, singed from contact with the bible.

Baron shakes hands with the Chief Justice.

CHIEF JUSTICE
Congratulations Mr. President.

ANNOUNCER (OS)
Please rise for our national anthem.

Everybody comes to attention. WILLIAM HUNG from American Idol steps out and takes to the microphone.

HUNG
She bangs! She bangs!

BARON
(Whisper to Ellen)
How did Bush get that made the new national anthem?

ELLEN
Damned if I know.

BARON
Now it’s time to party.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM –NIGHT
Elegantly dressed bigwigs dance the night away. President Baron’s talking with FURIOUS D.

BARON
How are things going at your new department?

FURIOUS D
Some congressman said I had too much power controlling the FBI, CIA, Pentagon, and the IRS. I had all his money seized in a tax audit and sent him to Guantanamo Bay as an enemy combatant. Rory’s selling it to the press right now.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESS ROOM –NIGHT
RORY is at the podium with reporters waving for his attention.

RORY
We’ve decided that imprisoning the congressman without trial was the right thing to do.

REPORTER
How can you violate a sitting member of congress’s civil rights like that?

RORY
He was a Republican congressman after all.

The Reporters then mutter amongst themselves with things like: “Oh, that makes it all right then.”

RORY
Next question. The guy from ABC.

ABC REPORTER
It’s come to our attention that our new president has a somewhat shady past. In fact, we have proof that he’s made sex tapes of himself, the First Lady, and the female cast of the Joffrey Ballet’s production of the Nutcracker.

RORY
That’s a damn lie.

ABC REPORTER
But his own campaign financial reports showed that he paid for his campaign by marketing these same sex-tapes on the Internet.

RORY
That sounds like the kind of question an Al-Qaida sympathizer might ask. (to GOONS) Take him away!

Two Goons grab the ABC Reporter and drag him into the next room. The door slams shut, there’s a muffled gunshot and the thud of a body hitting the floor.

NBC REPORTER
What was that?

RORY
Nothing. Just a pigeon.

NBC REPORTER
That sounded like a gunshot.
Rory takes out a baseball bat and clocks the NBC Reporter across the head.

RORY
You ain’t getting anything outta me!!

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM –NIGHT
Ellen’s at the bar being served a martini.

STINKY (OS)
Hello Ellen.

Ellen turns in surprise to see her ex-husband STINKY the Quizno’s Rodent in a tuxedo.

ELLEN
What the hell are you doing here? I thought they sprayed this place for pests.

STINKY
I bought the Baron’s tape and that qualifies me as a political donor. How’s Stinky jr?

ELLEN
He’s doing very well in school considering the kid’s can’t come up with anything worse than calling him Stinky jr.

STINKY
Oh, Ellen, why’d you ever leave me?

ELLEN
You’re affair with Rory for one. Your addiction to Enzyte and Nyquil was another.

STINKY
That wasn’t an affair. He ate me with a stick up my tukus. Took me a while to work myself out of that situation. But I’m back, and I want you back my perktacular sugar beet.

ELLEN
This has gone on too long already. I've got my own plans for world domination and you're not in them. The joke's over and you're outta here!

Ellen drop kicks Stinky.

Stinky flies across the room and lands in a punch bowl. First Lady Paris Hilton-Baron scoops out some punch and pours it into her glass.

PARIS
This tastes like dead rodent, and I know what that tastes like, I visited Arkansas.

BARON
That’s nice honey.
(to Furious D)
What else is developing?

FURIOUS D
The President of France has declared that he’s opposed to your foreign policy.

BARON
I’ve only been in office three hours. I don’t even have a foreign policy yet.

FURIOUS D
He said that whatever you’re for, he’s against because you’re an American.

BARON
It’s at times like these that I ask: “What would Jesus do?”

JESUS, played by Jim Caviezel, puts down his glass of punch and says.

JESUS
I’d pop a cap in his frog-munching-surrendering-to-Germany ass.

BARON
Then it’s settled.

The doors to the ballroom swing open and in walks JUDEX, the President’s no-good brother. He’s obviously intoxicated and has a trashy looking PORN STARLET on each arm.

JUDEX
How’s it hanging everybody?

BARON
Shit! It’s my no good wastrel brother Judex.

FURIOUS D
The failed Pornographer?

BARON
How can one fail at making porno? Can you please tell me that?

FURIOUS D
That’s one of life’s great mysteries. Right up there with the Bermuda Triangle and the ongoing popularity of Justin Timberlake.

JUDEX
How’s my big brother the Prez doing?

BARON
Pretty good until you showed up. Are you drunk?

JUDEX
Nope, I’m stoned.

BARON
Did you bring some to share?

JUDEX
Nope.

BARON
What kind of a man gets stoned at his brother’s inauguration and then bogarts all the doobage?

Judex picks up the punch bowl containing Stinky and starts to chug it.

FURIOUS D
(whisper to Baron)
Would you like me to have him eliminated?

BARON
No, I don’t want to have to explain it to mom. Just have him roughed up a little and thrown out on his ass.

Furious D makes a signal and two Goons grab Judex and stuff him, punch bowl, and Stinky included into a large sack. They then beat the sack and drag it away.

BARON
What’s on the schedule for tomorrow?


FURIOUS D
You’re booked for a Presbyterian Prayer Breakfast with Janet Jackson tomorrow, then you’re scheduled to become a whore for Big Oil at lunch.

BARON
Goody, that means barbecue.

FURIOUS D
I’ll get started on the ass capping Mr. President.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT –DAY
President Baron sitting in an elegant restaurant across from BIG OIL MAN, a loud fat Texan who likes to fire his pistol at random intervals. Plates covered in the bones of bbq-ed varmints sit before them.

BIG OIL MAN
Glad to have you and your Pole Weasel Party on board Mr. President. Yeehah!

Fires off a couple of shots, causing a chandelier to come off the ceiling and crush a waiter.

BARON
Why should the big parties hog all the good corruption.

BIG OIL MAN
I ran into your brother Judex last week. What’s he up to now?

BARON
He’s travelling.

CUT TO:

INT. SALT LAKE CITY BUS DEPOT –DAY
A big sack sits in a corner. It squirms a little and Judex pops his head out. He read a sign announcing that he’s arrived in Salt Lake City.

JUDEX
Utah! Shit!

Stinky’s head pokes out next to Judex.

STINKY
Where am I?

Judex stops, he feels something funny in the sack.

JUDEX
Is that a pipe I feel in here?

STINKY
Kind of.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESTAURANT –DAY

POV: SNIPER’S RIFLE SIGHT

Baron and Big Oil Man come out of the restaurant laughing and shaking hands. The crosshairs of the rifle sight wavers between the two of them.

TO BE CONTINUED

[The Baron]

A single, silenced shot catches the BIG OIL MAN square in the chest, sending him through the picture window in front of the restaurant. BARON, grabbing the two .9 mm Barettas he keeps under his ankle-length black leather trenchcoat, opens fire in the approximate direction of where the fatal shot was fired. He empties both fifteen-round clips at a shadowy figure, who ducks into a darkened fourth story window.

BARON
God-(BLEEP)-it! Where the (BLEEP) is the (BLEEP)-(BLEEP) Secret (BLEEP) Service when I (BLEEP) need them? And how the (BLEEP) can I do away with the (BLEEP) FCC?

He picks up his briefcase just as a black limo pulls up in front of him. Five men in black suits, matching Ray-Bans, and earpieces get out of the limo and surround BARON, getting him safely into the back seat of the long car.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE, MOVING -- DAY
BARON opens the catches on the briefcase and lifts the lid to reveal that the business luggage is filled with $100 bills.

BARON
Don't ask, don't tell.
(more)

He looks around the passenger compartment of the limo, assessing the Secret Service men seated around him.

BARON
Don't just sit there, bitchez... Somebody roll a fattie. And get Rory on the horn. He's gonna need to put a spin on this little incident.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 presents the President with a large joint.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1
Mr. President... Your spliff.

BARON
Yo, dude, fire it up. You know I hate the paper-burn on that first hit.

EXT. CITY SREET -- DAY
The Presidential Limo cruises. From the smoke leaking from around the windows, we can see that the limo is "hot boxing."

MUSICAL CUE: "The Passenger" - Iggy Pop

BARON (OS)
Whoa... This is some (BLEEP) gnarly-ass (BLEEP)...

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (OS)
(taking a hit and holding it)
Only the best for you, sir.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 begins coughing.

CUT TO:

PRESS ROOM -- DAY
Press Secretary RORY is at the podium, and the room is abuzz.

RORY
Okay. First question? Yes, Ms. Sawyer?

DIANE SAWYER
What can you tell us about today's assassination attempt on President Baron?

RORY
Intelligence tells us that the attempt on the President's life was made by ultraconservative Republicans and Democrats seeking to stop the Adminstration's sweeping economic and social reform policies.

DIANE SAWYER
So this had nothing to do with rumors of bribes from the big oil companies?

RORY says nothing. He just pulls out the baseball bat and sets it on the podium. His face is blank, as he looks at DIANE SAWYER with a dead man's eyes.

DIANE SAWYER
I'll retract that question.

She sits down quickly. Hands go up around the room. Rory looks around, and picks out a reporter.

RORY
Mr. Blitzer...

WOLF BLITZER rises to ask a question.

BLITZER
Mr. Secretary, what can you tell us about these "sweeping reforms"?

RORY
I'm glad you asked, Scud Stud.
(more)

The room chuckles at RORY's joke.

RORY
President Baron, using his controlling interest in Starschmuck's Coffee Shops, is converting the retail outlets to hash bars, based upon the Dutch model. The President understands that prohibition only leads to greater problems.
(more)

SECRET SERVICE AGENTS begin moving through the room with trays of pre-rolled joints and Bic lighters silkscreened with the Presidential Seal. They pass these out to all the reporters.

RORY
The agents are now passing out samples of the President's own White Widow/Northern Lights/Skunk Sensi hybrid, which you will smoke before you leave this room.
(more)

Rory places his right hand on the bat. The ladies and gentlemen of the press light up. There is much coughing.

TIME LAPSE WIPE

The press room is filled with laugher. The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS wheel in large dessert carts and beverage wagons, and the reporters fall upon them like vultures.

RORY (shouting over the din)
Hey, just wait 'til I tell you about the National Brothels!

BLITZER
Are there samples?

The room erupts into a frenzied orgy of laughter and Haagen Daas consumption.

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE, A HALL IN THE PRIVATE QUARTERS -- DAY
The President is making his way to the master bedroom, briefcase in hand, in order to deposit his slush money in a private safe. As he moves down the hallway, he sees women's garments strewn about. He recognizes the First Lady's Gucci thong, but there's a skirt he doesn't quite recognize. He follows the trail like Hansel & Gretel following breadcrumbs. The trail leads to the door of one of the White House guest bedrooms. BARON stands outside the door for a moment, listening to the ecstatic moaning of female voices, and Barry White's Can't Get Enough of Your Love, emmanating from within the chamber. He throws the door open, and is confronted with candlelight, a full home video set-up, and First Lady PARIS in bed with another woman. To the Prez's shock and awe, that woman is none other than...

TO BE CONTINUED

[jmoronic]

INT. WHITE HOUSE, A HALL IN THE PRIVATE QUARTERS -- DAY -- CONTINUED

The woman is none other than ELLEN M. She stops (EDIT. what she's doing [make up you're own dirty minds]) and looks up at BARON who has a shocked look on his face. He drops the briefcase to the floor and goes over to the bed and looks at both women, looking a little sheepish (and a little naked).

BARON
What do you think you're doing?

PARIS, who is on the bottom, pushes ELLEN off and crawls over to her husband, looking sedutcive the whole time.

PARIS
What do you think we are doing? Our nails?

Both women laugh.

BARON
Do you have any idea how disappointed in you I am right now in the two of you. I would've expected this of you Ellen, but Paris, honey, darling, what the hell were you thinking?

PARIS
Baron, you hunk of man you, you with the 12 inch penis, which is so beautiful. I fucking bored with this place already. There's too many uptight, stuck up dicks walking around. They don't want to have fun. Ellen wants to have fun.

BARON
That's not what I'm talking about.

PARIS
Well, what is it you're trying to say, big boy?

A big smile engulfs BARON's face as PARIS sticks her hand down her husband's pants.

BARON
Why did you start without me? Come on, these tapes aren't going to sell if I don't make an appearance...

BARON runs his finger around PARIS's erect nipple.

BARON (cont.)
I provide the money shot, damn it. I give them credibility. I give them a sense that I'm just one of the guys, who likes screwing his wife, even if she is a shameless exhibitionist. This is how we won the vote in the Republican states. Men in these states saw these tapes and said I can relate to that guy. So they registered to vote for the first time and voted for us... Goddamn, you are so beautiful, you dirty skank.

ELLEN gets up from the bed and kneels in front of BARON next to PARIS and kisses his chest.

ELLEN M.
What about me?

BARON
There's only one reason why you're my vice president.

BARON looks down her body and licks his lips. He then slaps her ass.

BARON (cont.)
Cos you got a great ass.

BARON tackles ELLEN and they roll around on the bed. PARIS turns around hugs her husband from behind, they start all the usual moves until they take off BARON's shirt and his phone rings on the bedside table. BARON looks up are hits his head on PARIS's chin knocking her back onto her ass and then onto the floor. BARON looks back and sees her on the ground, but is more concerned about the phone. He gets off ELLEN and takes off his shirt, which is giving him discomfort and then picks up the phone.

BARON
Yeah, hello.

On the other end of the line is a calm FURIOUS D. who quickly replies.

FURIOUS D.
BARON, two things. You got the case?

BARON
Sure do.

FURIOUS D.
Is there money in it?

BARON
Yes. What are you getting at?

FURIOUS D.
Good. That's a start, I like good starts. But the second thing ain't good BARON. It's really bad. You're not going to like this.

BARON
OK. What is it?

FURIOUS D.
You know how the French have been pissed at you about your foreign policy.

BARON
Yeah... Aw shit, don't tell me they're going to start a war with us.

FURIOUS D.
Well, not exactly. But, the French President is on the phone and he's bragging about just getting a fresh supply of our nuclear weapons. And he's got that arrogant laugh going.

BARON
Our nuclear weapons? Shit, how did he get them?

FURIOUS D.
I've got a fairly good idea who. And you're not going to like it... I think you better come down here and speak to the French President.

BARON
Alright, I'm coming.

BARON hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, PARIS is still on the floor, unconscious and bleeding out of her nose and ELLEN is tending to her. ELLEN looks up at BARON and says...

ELLEN M.
I think she's hurt real bad.

BARON
Look, I've got something greater to worry about now. Just put her on the bed and let her rest. And put some clothes on her and yourself. Gee.

BARON exits the bedroom and rushes down the hall.


TO BE CONTINUED

[Ellen M.]

Ummm, just a few director's notes on the script so far...

Liked the Stinky drop kick, but let's get one thing straight... I kneel to NO ONE, not even the President! And a three-way with my arch nemesis Paris Hilton... PUH-LEEZE! Get it together boys!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled episode of "Not The West Wing"!...

Ellen ;)

[Furious D]

INT. PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM --NIGHT
The phone's ringing. The Baron wakes up. He's in bed alone with his wife Paris who's hugging her Gucci Teddy Bear.

BARON
Well, ain't that a kick in the pants. Just when the dream was getting good.
(answers phone)
President Baron.

FURIOUS D(OS)
(on phone)
Do you have the case?

BARON
Didn't we have this conversation?

FURIOUS D(OS)
Maybe in your dreams. Is the money all there?

BARON
Yes, it's all there. Speaking of dreams...

FURIOUS D(OS)
It was the threesome one again wasn't it? You have that one everytime you dodge a bullet. You better come to the Oval Office. France is acting up again.

BARON
Do you believe in dreams bearing premonitions.

FURIOUS D (OS)
No, they merely tap into pre-existing concerns that nag at your subconscious and express themselves in symbolic archetypes. And as much as I love chatting about this, I think the whole France thing needs our attention.

BARON
All right, I'm coming.

CUT TO:

INT. VP'S OFFICE --NIGHT
Ellen sits at her desk looking out the window with a concerned look on her face. Her secretary Jmoronic stands by the door.

JMORONIC
I have some good news and some bad news.

ELLEN
What's the good news?

JMORONIC
A recent survey shows that you have a very high approval ratings despite your bat mitzvah.

As if on cue a bat flaps out of a dark corner and lands on Ellen's desk. Ellen feeds it a treat.

JMORONIC
They think it's an unusual name for an unusual pet, but they think you're doing a good job.

ELLEN
What's the bad news.

JMORONIC
The assassin, kind of... you know... missed.

ELLEN
Your assassin missed?

JMORONIC
Technically he wasn't my assassin Miss. You were the one who hired him.

ELLEN
Are you trying to put the blame on me? Who hires a sniper with a lazy eye?

Jmoronic shrugs.

JMORONIC
I thought his disability shouldn't be held against him.

ELLEN
A moron hires a sniper with a lazy eye. Now, I've got to sit through another cabinet meeting where he describes that gross sex dream again. Paris Hilton, god I despise her.

JMORONIC
Shall I get rid of her Ma'am.

ELLEN
No. I'll handle that myself. But first I have to handle you.

Ellen takes a small pistol with a silencer out of her desk and pops Jmoronic in the knee. Jmoronic howls and falls to the floor.

JMORONIC
Ouch!

ELLEN
Don't screw up again.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --NIGHT
Baron, in a Hugh Hefneresque bathrobe sits at his desk. The money case is lying open on the desk. Furious D is at a monitor with grainy photos of missiles and Frenchmen flipping on.

FURIOUS D
France is building up its nuclear arsenal. And they appear to be doing with nukes that are missing from our base in Washington State.

BARON
The snooty li'l wine sucking bastards! Are the missiles a threat?

FURIOUS D
Not really, France's launch system uses Windows XP.

Baron sighs in relief.

BARON
They'll never get off the ground then. Are you set to knock off the French President.

FURIOUS D
A hit team is on its way to Paris as we speak. And my agents have tracked the missile smugglers to British Columbia.

BARON
So, we can BLAME CANADA after all! Get the troops ready, we're going to kick some ass. And speaking of Paris, I have a date with my wife.

Just as Baron stands up the whole room shudders from a giant explosion that rocks the White House.

BARON
Are we under attack?

Furious D changes the monitor to show an outside view of the White House. Smoke and fire billows out of the Presidential bedroom.

FURIOUS D
The Presidential bedroom's been blown up.

BARON
Paris!!!

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT., THE PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM SUITE -- NIGHT

The bedroom is in flames, and debris is scattered everywhere. BARON and FURIOUS D. accompanied by a horde of SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, rush to the bedroom with fire extinguishers, and BARON runs headlong into the conflagration in search of the First Lady.

BARON
Paris! Paris!

FURIOUS D
Don't risk it, Mr. President! Get out of there!

BARON
Are you (BLEEP) nuts? I signed a (BLEEP) pre-nup!

As BARON searches the room, and the flames engulf him, PARIS walks up behind FURIOUS D, eating a bowl of cereal.

PARIS
Wow. What happened?

FURIOUS D
Someone blew up the Presidential Bedroom, and Baron is in there looking for - Hey! Weren't you-?

PARIS
I woke up, and King Daddy Stud Muffin wasn't in bed. So I went to look for him, and I decided I was hungry, so I went and got some rice krispies.

FURIOUS D
Oh, (BLEEP)!

FURIOUS D and PARIS stare into the flames, pondering the fate of BARON. In the background, we see JMORONIC limp away down the hall.

CUT TO:

INT., V.P.'S OFFICE -- NIGHT.

We discover ELLEN sitting behind her desk, gleefully awaiting the news from her secretary. Just then, JMORONIC limps into her office.

JMORONIC
Mistress!

ELLEN
I told you to stop calling me that. Well?

JMORONIC
Well... I've got good news, and I've got bad news.

ELLEN slaps her hand to her forehead.

ELLEN
Why am I not surprized? Okay, what's the good news?

JMORONIC
The good news is, the time bomb went off exactly as planned. The Presidential Bedroom is blown to smithereens.

ELLEN
(sarcastically)
I can't wait to hear the rest.

JMORONIC
The bad news is, the First Lady survived, but we don't know about the President. He ran back into the room, because he thought his wife was in there.

ELLEN opens her desk drawer and produces a tazer. She aims it at JMORONIC...

JMORONIC
Crikey!

...and fires, sending her secretary into a convulsive dance on the floor of her office.

ELLEN
You could complicate masturbation. Goyishe putz! You stay right there and writhe in your own filth until I get back. I need to check this out for myself.

JMORONIC
Y-y-y-yessss M-mu-m-mam.

CUT TO:

INT., THE OVAL OFFICE -- NIGHT.

FURIOUS D, RORY, and PARIS are seated around the office, awaiting word of BARON. ELLEN walks in, and with the authority to act in place of the President, she sits down behind the desk, and breathes a satisfied sigh.

ELLEN
So... Bring me up to date.

RORY
What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here. Furious, get her out of here.

ELLEN
Hey, mouthpiece, I'm in charge now!

FURIOUS D
He's right. We need to get you to a safe place. What if whoever blew up the Presidential Bedroom decides to go for broke and hit you, too?

ELLEN
I'll risk it.

Suddenly, the doors of the oval office burst open, and in walks a figure wrapped in what appears to be a shower curtain. As he reaches the center of the room, the figure throws off the shower curtain to reveal the President, unharmed.

BARON
(to Ellen)
You, outta my chair.
(to Rory)
You, get me the Vatican on the phone.

RORY
The Vatican?

BARON
Do I stutter, bitchmonkey? Direct line to the Pope. Pronto!

BARON sits in his chair behind the desk, and Paris rushes over and plops down on his lap.

PARIS
Hunny bunny!

BARON
Not now, Baby. Gotta talk to the Pope, and he can hear an impure thought halfway around the world.

PARIS
But we're married.

BARON
Chill. We'll play "Who's your President" after I take care of a few things.

RORY
Pope's on line one, Mr. President.

BARON
Thanks.
(on phone)
Hey... John Paul George Ringo! You know it... Listen, the reason I'm calling... Yeah... I really want to thank you for that kevlar shower curtain you gave me for my inauguration. It's really bitchin'... Yeah... Dig it... No, don't worry. Gibson's my bitch. Leave him to me... What?... No, baby, nobody knows you're Jewish. Ciao, Bella!
(He hangs up.)
God, ever since he started watching "Queer Eye," the guy has been like Martha Stewart on crack.

ELLEN
Kevlar shower curtain?

BARON
Yeah. You can pick 'em up at The Pope Store. This one's special, though. Blessed by the guy with the big ring himself.
(to the group as a whole)
Okay, you guys find out what happened here tonight. It had to be an inside job, since the bomb was in our boudoir. You find the (BLEEP BLEEP-BLEEP) or (BLEEP-BLEEP)s who did this, then hook 'em and cook 'em. Now that I've talked to the Pope, it's time for the ol' lady to talk to the bishop.

FURIOUS D & RORY look at each other and smile.

FURIOUS D & RORY (in unison)
Aw, yeaaah!

FURIOUS D
But what about the French Prime Minister? What about the nukes?

BARON
Agh! The god-(BLEEP) French! Okay... You tell that Maurice Chevalier-laughing, child molesting (BLEEP BLEEP) that I expect to have an apology, and the nukes delivered to our embassy, un-(BLEEP)-exploded, by 12:00 noon tomorrow, or by 12:30, his urinoir of a country will be a glass parking lot.

RORY
Shall I release a statement to the press?

BARON
That's what I pay you for. And now, lady and gentlemen, I bid you all a fond good night.

The President and the First Lady leave the Oval Office, followed by RORY. FURIOUS D picks up the phone, then turns to ELLEN.

FURIOUS D
What's the International Code for France?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- LATER THAT DAY.

ELLEN is seated at her desk, with JMORONIC still writhing on the floor. She's keeps pressing the button on the tazer, sending more voltage through to the electrodes stuck in his skin.

ELLEN
Wow, these batteries last a long time.

JMORONIC
Th-th-they sh-sh-sh-sh-surrrre d-d-d-dooooo!

The phone on ELLEN's desk rings.

ELLEN
You gonna get that, or do I have to do everything around here? Heh... Just kidding.

She presses the tazer button one more time, then answers the telephone. JMORONIC lets out a yelp.

ELLEN
Good morning, Vice President of the United States speaking.

VOICE ON PHONE
Do you like scary movies...?

TO BE CONTINUED

[jmoronic]

INT., VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- LATER THAT DAY (cont.)

ELLEN
Who is this?

VOICE ON PHONE (OS)
I said, do you like scary movies?

ELLEN
No, I don't and I'm not liking this phone call. How did you get this number?

VOICE ON PHONE (OS)
You might not like scary movies, but you're about to receive one that will be very scary for you.

ELLEN
Who is this? You better give your name now, otherwise when I find out, your ass is mine.

VOICE ON PHONE (OS)
Check your mail. It's there right now.

The electronic voice on the other end of the line hangs up. Ellen yells and screams some unintelligible utterances and then smashes the phone back on the desk.

ELLEN
How dare they... How dare they...

ELLEN picks up the taser and pushes the button again. JMORONIC can't even be bothered with screaming anymore and just writhes around to make it look as though he's actually feeling pain. ELLEN tries to suppress her rage, but at best she screams through gritted teeth.

ELLEN
JMORONIC, I've got an errand for you.

JMORONIC
Oh miss, I can't even move, how am I supposed to do what you say.

ELLEN puts her finger on top of the button and teasingly poises to push it.

JMORONIC
OK. OK, I'm getting up.

JMORONIC uses the wall to get up and looking quite groggy, stands on his own two feet, wobbling, but standing upright for the moment.

ELLEN
JMORONIC, go down to the mail room and pick up my mail. There should be a parcel or something with a tape in it. Make sure you get that.

JMORONIC
Finally, some actual secretarial work. I don't think I'm up to setting up your dastardly plans.

ELLEN
You weak bastard. You're not going to last long here if you continue this way.

JMORONIC
Yes, ma'am. But, I think I know of someone who could help you with your plans.

ELLEN
Really, who?

JMORONIC
One of the gardeners ma'am.

ELLEN
A gardener? Here? Who?

JMORONIC
His name is Jean-Bertrand ARISTIDE.

ELLEN
That name sounds familiar.

JMORONIC
It should ma'am. He was the president of Haiti before we made him an exile.

ELLEN
Hmm, this could be very helpful JMORONIC. About time. Now, is ARISTIDE on now.

JMORONIC
Yes, but he is in the middle of meditation by now. In the garden shed.

ELLEN
Excellent. Now, go fetch my mail and do not mess up again. Got that.

JMORONIC
Yes, ma'am

JMORONIC limps off down the hall. But, ELLEN calls him back.

ELLEN
And one more thing. Find out who made that call. I want their heads.

JMORONIC
OK. Ma'am.

JMORONIC continues on.

INT. WHITE HOUSE GARDEN SHED -- DAY

ARISTIDE, who is completely naked, but is facing the wall, is in the lotus position, in deep meditation. ELLEN looks for a few seconds and is impressed. She then speaks.

ELLEN
You must be ARISTIDE. So this is what happened to you after we got you out.

ARISTIDE does not even blink and continues on his meditation. He then speaks, but does not break from his routine.

ARISTIDE
You stinking American bastards. I had all the riches and just because a few people were pissed with me, you got scared and dragged me out. And instead of putting me in rich man's paradise like Idi Amin, you made me a stinking gardener in this stinking place where nobody could find me. With only a stinking minimum wage to survive by.

ELLEN
Hmm, maybe my lickspittle is not the complete incompetent I thought he was. You seem like a man who could get the job done.

ELLEN takes a few steps closer, liking what she is seeing. ARISTIDE decides to turns around and try another move. ELLEN's eyes almost burst from there sockets.

ELLEN (cont.)
Jesus, do all presidents have big penises?

ARISTIDE laughs, his first sign of interest.

ARSITIDE
You American women are all fools. All slaves to the cock.

ELLEN
So, anyway, I have a proposition for you. How are you with governmental sabotage?

ARISTIDE
Pfft, I took a nation from the depths of despair, then to prominence and back again. What you suggest is piss easy.

ELLEN
So, are you interested in furthering your status in the good ol' US of A.

ARISTIDE
What I want, you don't have the power to grant. You are just the Vice President. All vice presidents are stupid fools. In fact, I had mine killed in a game of bloodsport. It was fun your puny brain cannot imagine.

ELLEN laughs

ELLEN
How about upgrading your bloodlust to someone of a higher power?

ARISTIDE
Hmm, I'd rather kill George Bush. That bastard put me here. This new guy is a good man. He even pays me during my meditation hour.

ELLEN
Yes, but good men always get in the way of a better man's plan.

ARISTIDE
I like you. So, I'll do it if you can do one thing for me.

JMORONIC hobble runs up to ELLEN and ARISTIDE with the mail in his hand.

ELLEN
What is it?

ARISTIDE
I want to be reinstated president of Haiti, so that I can have my revenge on every stinking prick who ousted me.

ELLEN
That's going to be tough. But I'll think about it.

ARISTIDE
Yes, now go back to that stinking palace and rule the world.

ELLEN
Yes, yes, OK.

ELLEN walks off with JMORONIC following her.

ELLEN
Yes, he'll be perfect. Somebody who I can kill after he does the deed. And I'll take pleasure in killing him,
[mocking ARISTIDE's accent]
that stinking bastard.

JMORONIC
Yes, ma'am. Oh, and I've got the tape.

JMORONIC places the tape in ELLEN's hands.

ELLEN
Excellent. What about the caller?

JMORONIC
The secret service are working on it.

ELLEN
Good, good. Now, let's go see what this S.O.B is trying to do to me.

INT. ELLEN'S OFFICE -- DAY

JMORONIC switches on the tape and sits back watching it with ELLEN. After a few seconds of static, a picture fixes on the screen. It is in long shot. Someone or something is slumped in a chair, alive, but barely breathing. They are gagged and bound to the chair. A voice off screen begins, and it is the electronic voice from the phone call...

VOICE ON TAPE (OS)
We know something about you that will make sure you will be staying put in your position as Vice President. You see this piece of shit here. Their appearance here will make sure you do as we say.

The camera zooms in on the slumped figure, and the camera then begins to focus on the figure. ELLEN's face begins to recoil in horror. JMORONIC looks at ELLEN not knowing why she is in shock. It is...

TO BE CONTINUED

[Furious D]

INT. ELLEN'S OFFICE -DAY
The figure on the videotape is MICHAEL BAY.

VOICE ON TAPE
Do exactly as we tell you, or we'll kill Michael Bay and completely screw up the plans for BAD BOYS 3.

Ellen slumps in her chair, relieved.

ELLEN
Phew. For a second there I thought they were going to let him go.

Ellen pops out the tape and tosses it into the dustbin.

JMORONIC
Aren't you going to do anything?

ELLEN
Are you still here. Get out before I shock you.

JMORONIC
Fine. I'm going.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE -DAY
The President is at his desk playing a Playstation game with Rory. The intercom buzzes.

SECRETARY (OS)
Furious D to see you Mr. President.

BARON
Send him in.

Furious D comes in carrying a large burlap sack.

FURIOUS D
Call me Santa, cause I'm bringing in the presents.

BARON
What do you have Santa.

FURIOUS D
I found out who blew up your bedroom. It was Ellen's male secretary and whipping boy Jmoronic. He also hired the sniper that tried to get you at the restaurant.

BARON
So, Ellen's been behind it all along. I thought we agreed that she wouldn't try to kill me until my second term.

FURIOUS D
I'll distract her with a book deal. Kept Hilary from killing Bill.

BARON
Good plan. What's in the sack.

FURIOUS D
Oh yeah, Ellen grew tired of Jmoronic's screw ups so she hired former Haitian president Aristide to kill you.

BARON
The new gardener? But I let him do his meditation thing... The little bastard.

Furious D takes out ARISTIDE'S HEAD and puts it on the Baron's desk.

BARON
Did you do that to him?

FURIOUS D
No. He just misread the instructions on the new riding mower. We could send it back to Haiti. There is a price on it.

BARON
How much?

FURIOUS D
50 bucks. It's all they could afford.

BARON
If it goes up to 75 let them have it.

FURIOUS D
(to Rory) I've got something for you Mr. Aronsky.

Furious D takes out a gleaming new metal baseball bat. It's got the words: YE OLDE ROD OF DISCIPLINE engraved on the side in flowery script.

Rory takes it & has a few practise swings.

RORY
I'll treasure it always. I can't wait to see how this looks stuck to Dan Rather's pointy head.

BARON
What'll we do about Jmoronic. His half-assed attempts to kill me are getting expensive.

FURIOUS D
I've arranged for a special fate for him. One which will leave our hands clean.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOOT MAHN'S PUB --DAY
Jmoronic steps out a cab. He's wearing a TRAINSPOTTING t-shirt. In his hand is a photo of Tyra Banks with the inscription: MEET ME AT HOOT MAHN'S PUB, 6 PM. WEAR A TRAINSPOTTING T-SHIRT & I'LL JUMP YOUR BONES. -LOVE TYRA.

JMORONIC
This is so good, it must be true.

Jmoronic enters the pub.

CUT TO:

INT. HOOT MAHN'S PUB --CONTINUOUS
Inside everyone is a SCOTTISH STEREOTYPE. There's the shaved head SOCCER HOOLIGAN, the blue faced BRAVEHEART warrior, an angry red bearded BAGPIPER in a kilt, a dour PRESBYTERIAN PARSON, GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY, and a guy who looks a lot like SCOTTY from Star Trek. They're all watching a soccer game until he walks in, then everybody stares at Jmoronic in disbelief.

BRAVEHEART
Oo, de bluddy hell do ye ken ye are.

JMORONIC
Excuse me?

BAGPIPER
Dinnae ye unnerstan te King's English ye fekkin' twat.

JMORONIC
Are you hitting on me? Listen the only person I'm supposed to see in skirt is named Tyra. Okay, I don't know what kind of bar this is.

SOCCER HOOLIGAN
Les lash his arse! Wearin' that shite on his shirt.

Jmoronic finally understands.

JMORONIC
You don't like my shirt? Why? It was a great movie. It completely summed up the Scottish people.

A beer bottle smashes Jmoronic on the head & he goes down like a tree.

The Scottish Stereotypes pounce on him like a pack of wolves on a steak.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Furious D is talking to Baron.

FURIOUS D
I sent him to my cousin's place. Even if he gets out alive he won't be in any shape to kill you. I've got one last present.

Furious D snaps his fingers and two GOONS wheel in a trolley containing the tightly strapped body of the FRENCH PRESIDENT.

BARON
Black Jacque Chirac, my old nemesis! (to Furious D) How did you get him here.

FURIOUS D
We replaced him with a cleverly constructed android double.

CUT TO:

INT. FRENCH PRESIDENT'S OFFICE --DAY
A straw filled dummy sits at the French President's desk. It's head is a garbage can with a picture of Chirac's face pasted to it. A tape recorder is taped to the president's chest.

Peeking in through the door are two FRENCH AIDES.

DUMMY CHIRAC
(Furious D's Voice in English with a Pepe Le Pew Accent)
Sacre Bleu... Oh, we all smell like old cheese... France is the most powerful nation in ze world...

AIDE #1 (in French)
Do you think there is something...different about President Chirac?

DUMMY CHIRAC
Merde... Where's my wine and mistresses... Down with the anglophones who saved us from Germany twice... I want moldy cheese and cigarettes...

AIDE #2 (in French)
He seems all right to me.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Baron, Furious D, and Rory are interoggating Chirac.

BARON
Okay Chirac, do what your country does best and surrender! Tell me who sold you our stolen nukes!

CHIRAC
I will tell you nothing.

RORY
Tell us, or we'll tell the world that you don't have a mistress.

CHIRAC
You swine! OK, I'll talk. We got the missiles from a contact in British Columbia, his name is...

TO BE CONTINUED

[The Baron]

RORY brandishes his new bat at CHIRAC.

RORY
Spit it out, Pepe!

CHIRAC
We do not know 'is real name! Honly a nomme de plume, ze name 'e signs on ze letter! 'E calls 'imself, "Les Chic Homme."

BARON
Les Chic Homme? What the (BLEEP) kind of (BLEEP) is that? I'm losing my cool, Jacques, and you know what happens when I lose my cool...

FURIOUS D
Wait a minute.

BARON
What?

FURIOUS D
"Les Chic Homme"... Of course! The DUDE!

RORY & BARON (in unison)
Who?

FURIOUS D
The Dude. A half-mad bastard, amped up on Cuban rum and testosterone. It's said he used to run some donkey shows down in TJ. I know him only too well.

BARON
I didn't know you went to Tijuana...

FURIOUS D
I didn't. He once turned an infernal weather manipulating device of his own invention on my home in the Great White North. There was a blizzard of four meters of snow in one night.

RORY
How do you know it was him and his weather machine?

FURIOUS D
It was July, and my house was the only one the snow fell on. Oh, and he called me to taunt me about it.

BARON
Why isn't this guy on my payroll?

RORY
What next? What should we do with Chirac?

BARON
We still have an empty cell next to Noriega?

CUT TO:

BLACK.

SUPER UP:

"A CELL IN A SUB-BASEMENT IN THE PENTAGON..."

We can't see anything. We can hear the occasional sound of water drops.

CHIRAC (VO)
'Allo? Manuel? Se moi, Jacques Chiroc!

MANUEL NORIEGA (VO)
Bastardos! Let me out! You go too far! You... go... too fa-ha-har...

We hear NORIEGA trail off, quietly weeping in his cell.

CUT TO:

INT., WHITE HOUSE MOTOR POOL -- DAY

ELLEN is on her way to her car, when FURIOUS D (with a burlap bag) and RORY (with his new bat) appear from behind two concrete pillars.

FURIOUS D
Just who we were looking for!

ELLEN
Hey, I don't care what the President dreams, I told you guys I don't do three-ways.

RORY
Can the balloon juice. We know what you've been up to.

ELLEN
Up to? Whaddaya mean?

FURIOUS D produces ARISTIDE's head from the bag. He holds it up by the hair with one hand, and operates the jaw with the other, imitating a ventriloquist and his dummy in falsetto voice.

FURIOUS D
Hi, Ellen! Remember me? You hired me to kill Baron.

RORY starts cracking up.

RORY
I love when he does this!

FURIOUS D (still playing ventriloquist)
Oh, yah! Come to de eye-lands!
(in his regular voice)
We also got the numbnuts who screwed up the attempt in front of the restaurant.

RORY
We use his head for the second show.

FURIOUS D
And right about now, your secretary is finding out how a highland sheep feels.

CUT TO:

INT., HOOT MAHN'S PUB -- DAY.

JMORONIC is guest of honor at a boot party.

BAGPIPER
Ahll gie ye skirt, ye wee nancy bai!

BRAVEHEART
Gie 'im wha fahr, Angus! Pess ahn em!

A solotary MALE VOICE rises above the din, and the crowd goes silent.

VOICE (OS)
Woe be unta thee, laddie!

The hushed voices of the barflies speak one name, in awe and respectful fear.

WILLY
Grrraham!

SCOTTY
Grraham...

We now see GRAHAM, owner of "the voice", making his way towards JMORONIC. The others part like the Red Sea to let the newcomer pass. GRAHAM is easily six feet, seven inches tall, 350 lbs. of solid Scots muscle. When this guy throws a telephone pole, he uses a one hundred-year-old Scotch Fir. He wears a kilt and tam of the same tartan, a white "wife-beater," a "Bay City Rollers" scarf, (which no one calls him on,) and 48-hole Doc Martins. Wiry auburn hair bristles from under his cap and his chin.

BAGPIPER
Grrraham...

BRAVEHEART
(backing away)
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraham!

GRAHAM towers over the quivering pile of humanity on the floor at his feet.

GRAHAM
Ach, gie may a shot a' ye wee li'l peggy! Ba all th' junkies en Glazgie, ye'el rrrrrrrrrrrrrue th' daey ye set hoof i' hairrrrrrre!
(to the BARKEEP)
Arrrrrrrchay MacDuglays! Wheerre er ye, ye pooblican mongrrrrrel?

ARCHIE MACDOUGLAS, the barkeep, replys to GRAHAM from behind the bar.

ARCHIE
Rrrrrait heerre, Grrrrrrrraham!

GRAHAM
Arrrrrchay... Waerrrm oop th' haggis grrrrinder.

GRAHAM looks down, and his face takes up the entire frame. We hear the sound of a machine starting in the background, and grinding blades meshing. He licks his lips, and we...


CUT TO:

INT., WHITE HOUSE MOTOR POOL -- DAY

FURIOUS D
Any questions? Are we on the same page?

ELLEN
I think I get the picture.

FURIOUS D
Good. 'Cause I do a midnight show, and I can always use a new dummy. So, you be a good Vice President, and don't try to hit Baron until his second term. Or...

ELLEN
Or what?

FURIOUS D holds up ARISTIDE's head and does the ventriloquist's bit.

FURIOUS D
Or else you trade a career in politics for one in show business!
(in his regular voice)
Get it? Got it? Good.
(to RORY)
Come on. Let's get out of here.

FURIOUS D & RORY leave the parking structure.

RORY (OS)
Hey, Furious, do the "come to the islands" bit again.

ELLEN gets into her car, pulls out her cell phone, and dials.

ELLEN
It's hittin' the fan around here. You can't wait. We've got to move now.

TO BE CONTINUED

EPILOGUE

INT., VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- DAY.

ELLEN is seated at her desk, going over paperwork, when RORY and FURIOUS D enter the office without knocking. FURIOUS D is pushing a hand truck stacked with identical boxes. He stops in front of the desk.

ELLEN
What do you two want now?

FURIOUS D
Special delivery. Your Passover haggis is here.

ELLEN
My WHAT?

FURIOUS opens one of the boxes and dumps a haggis onto ELLEN's desk.

FURIOUS D
Passover... Haggis.

RORY tosses a shiney object to ELLEN, who catches it. She examines the object. It's a gold signet ring with the letter "J".

RORY
We've taken the liberty of placing an ad for your new secretary.

FURIOUS D and RORY begin to exit, when FURIOUS turns back to ELLEN.

FURIOUS D
(with a wink)
Bon Appetit, Princess!

[jmoronic]

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SOME BRITISH COLUMBIAN BAR -- NIGHT

A bearded man sits outside of a bar checking the voice mail on his mobile phone.

ROCHELLE (OS)
How about it, tonight? You know when and where?

BEARDED MAN
Bloody bitch. I can't believe she's still wants after I had her family killed. Ah well, pussy's pussy.

The next message:

ELLEN (OS)
It's hittin' the fan around here. You can't wait. We've got to move now.

BEARDED MAN
Well, it looks like it's time to go to Phase 2.

The DUDE walks over to the BEARDED MAN and looks at him, shaking his head.

DUDE
Fucking incompetents. Why do we hire them, Roger?

ROGER looks at him perplexed. He shakes his head in disbelief.

DUDE (cont.)
What?

ROGER
How come you weren't bleeped out then?

DUDE
Cos we live in Canada. Ain't no FCC here to stop us from censoring our precious swear words.

ROGER
Damn straight.

EXT. OUT FRONT OF THE LOUVRE MUSEUM -- DAY

The DUMMY CHIRAC is sitting with hundreds of Dignitaries, watched by hundreds of ordinary French people outside the Louvre as it's about to open a new wing devoted to the art of French snobbery.

SOME FRENCH DIGNITARY (in French)
Today is a momentous day in the history of French art and culture. Today, we are unveiling the new wing of art made by today's best known French artists. All of it devoted to our tremendous tradition of sticking our noses up at them dirty Americans. Oh-haw-haw.

CROWD (laughing)
Oh-haw-haw.

SOME FRENCH DIGNITARY (in French)
We might not be able to fight them in the battle fields, but with our newly acquired nuclear weapons and our magnificant history in French art and culture, we will beat them Americans and become the super power we were always meant to be.

CROWD
Oh-haw-haw.

SOME FRENCH DIGNITARY (in French)
Now, without further a-do, our fearless leader Jacque Chirac.

The crowd begins loud applause for their fearless and polygamous leader. Jacque stands up and acknowledges the applause. He goes to the podium, acknowledges the applause again and then speaks as the audience quieten.

DUMMY CHIRAC (in French)
This is a great day for France. We must continue to suppress our urges of becoming American and continue the tradition of being arrogant arseholes towards them.

CROWD
Oh-haw-haw.

DUMMY CHIRAC (in French)
Our great artists, Jean-Pier...

DUMMY CHRIAC begins wobble. He regains composure and begins to speak.

DUMMY CHIRAC (cont.) (in French)
Jean-Pierre Cousineau, Michel Domb... Dombas.. Oh Oh.

DUMMY CHIRAC begins to overheat badly, steam is rising from his head.

DUMMY CHIRAC (cont.)
Error 33... Cannot compute... Cannot compute... Bonjour, you cheese eating surrender monkeys...

SOMEONE IN THE CROWD (in French)
Did the president just call us "Cheese eating surrender monkeys".

DUMMY CHIRAC wobbles wildly over to the dignitaries, who begin to scatter.

SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CROWD (in French)
He's gonna blow.

And DUMMY CHIRAC does explode. Instantly destroying his body and killing most of the dignitaries on stage. The new wing of the Louvre is collasping onto the still alive dignitaries while the crowd panics and begins to trample each other.

INT. WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE -- NIGHT

The BARON is joined by FURIOUS D., some interns in skanky looking outfits and SNOOP DOGG and his crew of homies puffing down some of the finest weed that has ever existed. BARON finishes pouring a glass of whiskey and picks up the glass and raises it to the air.

BARON
Gentlemen, I mean homies. I'd like to make a toast. To the DOGG, who will help rid us of this (BLEEP)ing FCC problem.

SNOOP DOGG
No (BLEEP)ing problems, mother(BLEEP)er. This (BLEEP)ing bleeping is pissing me off. I'll gather my mother(bleep)ing crew and put some (BLLEP)ing caps in the ass of the mother(BLEEP)ing FCC, mother(BLEEP)er.

BARON
Good to hear. Good to mother(BLEEP)ing hear.

FURIOUS
Finally, we'll put a rocket up Liebermann's ass.

BARON
Liebermann? Where?

BARON puts out his roach on the table. SNOOP does likewise. One of the crew panics and waves his roach about.

SNOOP
Crotch the mother(BLEEP)ing weed, man. (BLEEP)

The homie sticks the roach down his pants.

FURIOUS
No, no, no. I just said his name. Man, you guys must be high.

SNOOP
This is some good mother(BLEEP)ing (BLEEP), here. You should try some.

The crew member with the roach down his pants picks it out and re-lights it.

FURIOUS
No, that's fine. I've got to keep my cat like instincts ready for the next disaster. But, this smoke is more than enough for me, thank you.

SNOOP
Baron, for a mother(BLEEP)ing tightass, this Furious mother(BLEEP)er is a mother(BLEEP)ing P.I.M.P.

FURIOUS
Whatever that means.

SNOOP looks at the crew member who "crotched the weed"

SNOOP
(BLEEP) man, you smoking that mother(BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) you put down your pants. You crazy mother(BLEEP)er... I hope you ain't sharing that...

RORY runs into the room, baseball in hand, with fresh blood from his latest press conference still being wiped away by his hankerchief.

RORY
Turn on the TV, Furious. Quickly, CNN.

BARON
This thing is always on CNN. We like the car chases.

RORY rolls his eyes.

RORY
Whatever. (points to the TV) Look at this.

Chaos emerges on the screen. It is the exact scene at the Louvre Museum and people are running around bloodied and screaming. A reporter is rushing around, trying to yell out the latest news on the situation.

REPORTER
Complete and utter chaos here in Paris. The French president has just imploded in some sort act of spontaneous combustion killing many of the finest of French leaders.

BARON
(BLEEP), Furious, did you plant a bomb on Chirac.

FURIOUS
No, I wanted the finest of American craftmanship.

BARON and SNOOP
American craftmanship!

BARON
(BLEEP), Furious, everybody knows Americans can't make good (BLEEP).

BARON laughs and shakes his head in disbelief.

BARON (cont.)
Amazing. Furious, in all your scheming, you've caused the biggest disaster since Dubya got elected.

BARON then grins.

BARON (cont.)
But, you may have done your very best work yet.

SNOOP
Amen to that mother(BLEEP)er. You downed those French mother(BLEEP)ers.

FURIOUS
Well, I do my best, always.

BARON
(BLEEP), even when you (BLEEP) up, you're a (BLEEP)ing genius.

FURIOUS
Thanks Baron.

INT. SOME RUNDOWN FLOP HOUSE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA -- NEXT DAY

The DUDE is fiddling with his weather machine, trying to pinpoint an area of interest. ROGER is playing with his beard, sitting on the side of his bed with ROCHELLE still lying in bed, naked, lying on her stomach. ROGER looks at ROCHELLE and rubs his hand up her bare back. ROCHELLE doesn't move at all.

ROGER
So, what type of weather does the White House expect today?

DUDE
Oh, I dunno. There are so many weather phenomenon I could choose from. Maybe...

The DUDE presses a button...

[Furious D]

INT. DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --CONTINUED
The Dude readies to press the button.

DUDE
From hell's heart I stab at thee!

Dude presses the button.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --NIGHT
Baron and Rory are working late sorting papers.

RORY
Now here are the questions we're expecting them to ask...

THUMP!

A snowball bounces off the window.

BARON
What was that?

RORY
Looks like a snowball.

BARON
In Washington? At this time of year?

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --NIGHT
Dude whacks his weather machine.

DUDE
Fucking Windows XP!! That's it, I'm going to kick Bill Gates in the nads!

The weather machine starts to shake and tremble.

ROCHELLE
What's that?

ROGER
She's gonna blow!

The weather machine sends out a cascade of sparks.

CUT TO:

EXT. DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --CONTINUOUS
Ten feet of snow flop down on the Dude's lair with a heavy thud.

CUT TO:

INT. FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --NIGHT
Furious D sits at his desk tossing treats to CHOMPY his pet badger. Chompy gobbles up the treats with glee.

On his desk is a tape recorder playing Ellen's message to Roger.

FURIOUS D
Someone's been talking out of school Chompy. Now what shall we do about that? I think we'll have to send a special message.

The phone rings. Furious D answers it.

FURIOUS D
It really was a snowball Mr. President. Courtesy of The Dude.

BARON
How'd you know it was me?

FURIOUS D
It's better you not know the hows or whys, just rest assured in the fact that I do. That's why I get paid the big bucks. Turns out Ellen's working for The Dude. I've just got intel confirmation on that.

BARON
That's why she's been so keen to knock me off. What should we do?

FURIOUS D
Let me handle it. It's what I do best.
(to Chompy)
Don't I Chompy?

CUT TO:

INT. DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --DAY
Dude's lying fast asleep in bed. He rolls over and feels something. He wakes up.

He looks at his hand, it's covered in blood. Dude checks his nads, seeing that they're still intact he sits up and pulls off the sheets.

Dude screams.

In his bed is a severed donkey's head wearing a colourful sombrero.

The front door opens and in comes Roger and Rochelle carrying snow shovels. Roger's also got a package under his arm.

ROGER
What's wrong boss?

DUDE
This lair's been compromised. Damn you Furious D and your fancy yet manly trousers! Always two steps ahead of me!
(notices package)
What's that?

ROGER
We shovelled out the mailbox and this package was there. It's from Ellen.

DUDE
Open it.

Roger opens it and out comes a BADGER who immediately starts mauling Roger to death.

ROGER
Oh god! I couldn't be in any more pain! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Dude ignores the now 1/2 consumed Roger, and tosses Rochelle a set of car keys.

DUDE
Warm up the K-Car. We're getting out of here.

ROCHELLE
Yeah boss.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Furious D is making a report to The Baron.

BARON
So, is this the last we've seen of the Dude?

FURIOUS D
Probably not. I'm sure he'll be coming up with a new plot, each and every week. Your new Secretary of State's making some headway with the French about returning our stolen nukes.

BARON
I knew GiGi was perfect for the job.

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM --DAY
GIGI's chasing the NEW FRENCH PRESIDENT around with a cricket bat.

GIGI
Stand still and take your discipline you wine sucking surrender fiend!

NEW FRENCH PREZ
All right! All right! We'll return ze missiles! But we still refuse to use deodorant!

GIGI
That, and you get six whacks on the arse.

This news seems to please the French Prez.

NEW FRENCH PREZ
Why didn't you say so?

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Furious D and Baron are still talking.

FURIOUS D
She learned her diplomatic skills while working for Michael Eisner at Disney.

Rory pokes his head in through the door.

RORY
It's time for your press conference.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESS ROOM --DAY
Baron strides to the podium.

BARON
It's with great pride that I announce....

Suddenly the whole room starts shaking.

BARON
What the hell?

TO BE CONTINUED.

[GiGi]

LMFAO....You are cracking me up D....how can i live up to your standards? :)

[Ellen M.]

Sssshhhh, GiGi, D & The Baron are script writing geniuses, don't question their motives, just go with it!... Oh, and keep the paddle & riding crop handy (as well as the badger)!

Ms. VP

And how about some more GOOD lines for the VP fellas... please... don't make me spank you!

[The Baron]

INT. PRESS ROOM --DAY
Baron strides to the podium.

BARON
It's with great pride that I announce....

Suddenly the whole room starts shaking.

BARON
What the hell?

FURIOUS D
No sweat. I'll tell you later. Finish your announcement.

BARON
Right. Well... Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I am pleased to announce that, effective immediately, your Federal Government is no longer operating on a deficit.
(more)

Murmurs erupt throughout the conference room, and shocked, disbelieving expressions cross the faces of the members of the press.

BARON
Please... Please... Quiet down now and I'll tell you how this has happened. Your President, that's me, Baron, has come to an arrangement with the government of France whereby all debts on loans to their country are being repaid. In fact, we've received enough cold, hard cash within the last twenty-four hours to enable me, your President, Baron, to suspend federal income tax for the next seven years. And I do this because I care about you, my subj- uh, fellow Americans. So, that's it. Go ahead, pass the word along. Ciao. Auf Wiedesein. Later. I'm outta here.

BARON leaves the podium, flanked by FURIOUS D and RORY. As he waves his way off stage, through gritted teeth he questions FURIOUS D.

BARON
Okay, what the (BLEEP) was that shaking?

FURIOUS D
That was a MOAB bomb going off in Atlanta.

BARON
What?

RORY
A little "pre-emptive strike." A problem at a cartoon-geeks meeting that was really the cover for a terrorist organization.

BARON
Terrorists? Really?

FURIOUS D
No, not really. But who cares?

They all have a good laugh.

BARON
Yeah, you're right. You guys are the best!

CUT TO:

INT., THE OVAL OFFICE -- DAY.
BARON, FURIOUS D and RORY enter the Oval Office, still laughing at the joke. In the office, tied to a chair and gagged, is the Vice President, ELLEN.

RORY
We caught her on the phone trying to contact The Dude. We thought you might like to have a word with her.

FURIOUS D
I recommend keeping her gagged. She's PMSing, so she might bite.

BARON
Good idea.
(to ELLEN)
Soooooo... You just couldn't keep to our agreement. Just had to try and have me whacked, didn't you? So, what do you have to say for yourself?

ELLEN
Ooo u-ah u-uh! Ih uh oo eh uh-uh ih!

BARON
What? What was that? You're really sorry, and you beg forgiveness so that we don't kill you, slowly?

ELLEN
Ooo ah-ah!

BARON
I understand. You know, you sound like you might have a toothache.
(to RORY and FURIOUS)
Boys, wheel the Vice President down to Herr Doktor's clinic. Have him take a look at her teeth, and impress upon her that we're looking out for her best interests. By the way, D., those are some snappy pants you're wearing.

FURIOUS D
Oh... Thanks for noticing. You don't think they make my ass look fat, do you?

BARON
Just take her to Herr Doktor.

CUT TO:

EXT., A 1968 BUICK SKYLARK -- MOVING -- DAY.

CUT TO:

INT., SAME.
The DUDE and ROCHELLE are crossing the border into the state of Washington. "The Best of Queen" plays on the car's tape deck.

DUDE
Any word from Ellen?

ROCHELLE
Not for the last hour. Don't worry, Chief. She's resourceful. She'll be in touch.

DUDE
You don't know Furious D. He's never forgiven me for taking his lunch money all throughout elementary school. Fifteen years of lunch money adds up.

ROCHELLE
Wait a minute. You guys were in grade school for fifteen years? I thought you were both supposed to be geniuses...

DUDE
Shut up.

ROCHELLE
But -

DUDE
What part of "shut up" don't you uinderstand? Shut, or up?

DUDE sings along with Freddie Mercury...

DUDE
Crazy little thing called loooooovvvvve...

ROCHELLE
This is going to be a long trip.
(looking at a map)
Washington, D.C. is... Aw (BLEEP)!

She puts her fingers in her ears, and slumps down in the seat.

CUT TO:

INT., A CAVERNOUS, DARKENED ROOM -- DAY.
ELLEN is strapped into a dental chair, with rubber wedges keeping her jaws completely open. The chair is in a circular pool of light. HERR DOKTOR, an elderly man with white hair, wearing a blood-stained lab coat and rubber gloves steps into the light, and taking the dental drill in one hand, addresses ELLEN.

HERR DOKTOR
Now, Fraulien Viz Prezident, you haff a bat cavity in za lower beck molar on za right zide. It iss very cloze to za nerff. Ve must drill, very diply.

ELLEN
Ah o-ay, ah on ink oh. Ah aiee.

HERR DOKTOR
Nein, nein... Who iss za doktor heah, jah? But before ve begin, I muzt azk you wun kvez-tee-on... Iss it zafe?

We see the look of terror in ELLEN's eyes, as we hear the whine of the dental drill.

TO BE CONTINUED

[Ellen M.]

Mmmph, grrroghhh, ccccrrrpshhh!
(@#$%^&!!!)

The VP

[The Baron]

Now, now, Ellen. Didn't your mother teach you not to talk with your mouth full? :p ;) :eek:

[Furious D]

INT. FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --NIGHT
Furious D sits at his desk with Chompy sleeping on his lap.

Herr Doktor enters carrying a sealed test tube.

FURIOUS D
Report Herr Doktor.

HERR DOKTOR
It seems that Miss M's teeth had a very interesting development.

FURIOUS D
What happened to you German accent?

HERR DOKTOR
The joke was getting old. I found this embedded in her left bicuspid where a filling should have been.

Herr Doktor holds out the test tube. Inside it is some kind of tiny insectoid microchip.

FURIOUS D
Just as I thought. I have to show this to the President immediately.

Furious D takes the test tube and drops the sleeping badger into Herr Doktor's arms.

Furious D leaves Herr Doktor alone with Chompy who is waking up.

HERR DOKTOR
Hello little badger. Are you safe?

Chompy goes for the jugular. Herr Doktor goes down screaming.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --NIGHT
Baron is studying the contents of the test tube.

BARON
Are you saying that this chip was controlling the Vice President.

FURIOUS D
Not exactly. It exaggerated her already homicidal tendencies, causing her to join forces with the Dude and try to assassinate you. Think of it as Atomic Powered PMS.

Baron shudders at the thought.

BARON
This is pretty sophisticated stuff. I didn't know the Dude was that clever.

FURIOUS D
This isn't his style. Dude's into weather machines and doomsday devices. Mind control isn't his forte. Besides, both she and the Dude were being used by someone more intelligent and sinister.

BARON
More sinister than me?

FURIOUS D
I'm talking about the mysterious Fantomas.

There's a blare of suspenseful horns.

BARON
Where did that music come from?

FURIOUS D
The White House Band, they provide music for all the dramatic moments. Fantomas is a mystery man, he's a master of disguise and mind control chips like this one are just his style. I'm having Ellen's original dentist brought in for questioning, but I doubt he'd leave such an obvious trail.

BARON
Find him. Now if you don't mind. My wife is in the Lincoln Bedroom waiting to Hail this Chief and my viagra is kicking in. Is GiGi back from France tonight?

FURIOUS D
The State Department's having a welcome home dinner for her.

BARON
Pop down and let everyone know the Prez appreciates her work. I heard the new French President won't be able to sit down for a week.

Baron leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. THE Y RESTAURANT --NIGHT
A big neon letter 'Y' blinks on the far wall. GiGi, Rory and several State Department staffers are sitting at a long table having a few drinks.

RORY
I'd like to propose a toast to the Secretary of State on her big new deal. Congrats.

Everybody cheers and has a drink.

GIGI
Lots of love and big hugs to all you people. I couldn't have done it without you.

Enter Furious D.

FURIOUS D
The president would also like to extend his kudos to our inestimable secretary of state.

RORY
How are things with Ellen?

FURIOUS D
Ellen's going to accept her book deal. And it turns out there's something else we have to look out for...

A shot rings out. A bullet smashes a window, passes right through Furious D's chest and explodes the big neon 'Y'.

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE Y --NIGHT
The Dude is leaning out the passenger side of his car holding a hi-powered rifle.

DUDE
I got him! Him and his masculine trousers won't be foiling my schemes ever again. Now drive!

ROCHELLE
We're out of gas!

DUDE
Shit!

CUT TO:

INT. LINCOLN BEDROOM --NIGHT
The door opens and Baron enters. It's dark.

BARON
Honey... I took the blue pill....

Baron turns on the light and screams.

In bed with Paris Hilton is Judex and a bottle of cheap tequila.

JUDEX
Hi bro. I can explain...

BARON
This is a nightmare!

CUT TO:

INT. ELLEN'S BEDROOM --NIGHT
Ellen walks into her bedroom nursing her sore jaw.

ELLEN
Friggin' dentists...

A SHADOWY FIGURE puts a gun to the back of her head.

SHADOWY FIGURE
Don't move. You're being kidnapped.

Ellen reaches for a baseball bat hidden next to her bed.

ELLEN
Over your dead body!

TO BE CONTINUED:

[GiGi]

LOL I think this needs to be shopped to HBO. Might need a slight title change....

[Ellen M.]

We can follow "The Sopranos", but I want Winona Ryder to play me!
Thank god I can talk now!
Ms. VP

[judex]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
We can follow "The Sopranos", but I want Winona Ryder to play me!
Thank god I can talk now!
Ms. VP

At least you haven't wound up in bed with Paris Hilton lately. Don't I have any standards?

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT., THE LINCOLN BEDROOM -- NIGHT.

BARON
Paris! You got some 'splainin' to do!

PARIS
Hunny Bunny? But I thought-

JUDEX
Sorry, bro. I just got back from that little side trip to Utah, and I needed a place to crash. She came in here while I was asleep. It was dark. I-

BARON
You really have no standards, Judex. Mom is going to take the wooden spoon to your butt for this.

JUDEX
You wouldn't tell her, would you?

BARON whips out a cell phone, and presses one button.

JUDEX
NO!!!!!

As BARON waits for his mother to answer the phone, RORY bursts in, pale as a sheet.

RORY
Baron! Come quickly! It's Furious D.! The Dude just shot him. He's barely hanging on, and wants to see you.

BARON
(to Judex)
You are so lucky! But this isn't over. I'll deal with both of you when I get back.

RORY and BARON leave the Lincoln Bedroom. After they're gone, STINKY pokes his lube-covered head out from under the sheet. He looks at PARIS and JUDEX.

STINKY
Are they gone? Cripes! I couldn't breathe in there.

CUT TO:

INT., EMERGENCY ROOM, BETHESDA HOSPITAL -- NIGHT.
BARON and RORY rush into the E.R. surrounded by SECRET SERVICE AGENTS. FURIOUS D is laying on a gurney, bleeding from a sucking chest wound. BARON pushes his way through the crowd of guards and takes FURIOUS D's hand.

BARON
Hang on, D. Don't you (BLEEP) die on me! You don't get off that easily.

The doctors look on and shake their heads. FURIOUS gasps and weezes through the blood in his lungs.

FURIOUS D
The... Dude...

BARON looks at RORY.

RORY
We got him. He's being held at the Pentagon.

FURIOUS D
I... under (cough) estimated...

BARON
No, D. I'm not going to let you go. We have the technology. We can make you better, stronger. We can get you fancier pants.

FURIOUS D's grip releases on BARON's hand, and we hear the high pitch tone of the monitors as he flatlines.

BARON releases D's hand, spins, and grabs RORY by the lapels, pulling him close.

BARON
Not a word of this to anyone. Get him to the West Project. NOW!!!

BARON turns to the SECRET SERVICE AGENTS.

BARON
No witnesses. Understand?

As BARON and RORY exit, wheeling FURIOUS D out of the E.R., we hear the sound of automatic rifle fire and screaming. Blood spatters the windows behind them.

BARON
Doctor Romero will take care of him. This is just a temporary setback. In the mean time, I want to have a word with The Dude.

DISSOLVE TO:

A CLOCK. TIME LAPSE AHEAD TWELVE HOURS.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., CONFERENCE ROOM, THE WEST PROJECT -- DAY.
BARON and RORY are seated, talking with DR. ROMERO, a jolly, bear-like man with a salt & pepper beard.

ROMERO
As you know, Mr. President, the West Project owes you an immense debt of gratitude for your funding of our reanimation projects. Furious D was our first human subject, so please try to understand that he will have to be reintroduced to normal society in graduated steps.

BARON
Is he going to be alright, Doctor?

ROMERO
We have the highest hopes.

RORY
Can we see him?

ROMERO
I think that would be alright. Let me have him brought in. Just remember, gentlemen, he's not yet fully recovered, so he may seem a little... odd.

ROMERO pushes a button on the intercom on the desk.

ROMERO
Nurse Savini, would you please bring Furious D in here.

The doors to the clinic's labs open, and FURIOUS D is rolled in in a wheelchair by a buxom, raven-haired nurse. BARON rushes to his friend.

BARON
Furious? It's Baron. How are ya, mate?

FURIOUS D
Brains...

BARON
What was that? I couldn't quite make that out.

FURIOUS D
Brrraaaaaaaaiiiinnnnnsssss!!!

ROMERO
There are a few details we have yet to work out.

RORY
Such as?

ROMERO
Uh... Dietary considerations.

BARON
(BLEEP) it. He's alive.

ROMERO
Not technically.

BARON & RORY
What?

FURIOUS D grabs NURSE SAVINI, crushes her skull between his hands, and begins chowing down on her gray matter.

FURIOUS D
Brains... Yum (burp).

BARON
Rory, go to the White House and get my wastrel brother Judex.

RORY
Like you have another wastrel brother?

CUT TO:

INT., PENTAGON INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY.

The DUDE sits, handcuffed to a chair in an empty, dark room. A bottle of Cuban rum is on a table at the other end of the room, just out of reach. Suddenly, a voice is heard emanating from the shadows.

VOICE (OS)
Dude... You have failed me.

DUDE
Fantomas!

TO BE CONTINUED

[Furious D]

Fantomas steps out of the shadows. He's wearing a featureless blue mask.

DUDE
I didn't fail you. I got Furious D. I shot him dead.

FANTOMAS
You can't kill him. No normal human can kill him.

Fantomas removes his mask to reveal that he is FURIOUS D. Except he has a goatee.

DUDE
You're Furious D!

FANTOMAS
Actually, I'm Furious D #666. There are thousands of us clones. The man you shot last night. The man they are currently turning into a zombie is actually Furious D #1220, messenger D.

DUDE
That's why he seemed to be everywhere. The little frigger was everywhere, literally.

FANTOMAS
By the rules of genetics every 666th clone turns out to be evil...

DUDE
Are you saying that Furious D isn't evil.

FANTOMAS
Let me finish my story. I'm more evil than the others, that's why I've got the goatee.

DUDE
Like evil Spock in the Star Trek Episode.

FANTOMAS
Exactly. Normally D exterminates the unruly 666's, but I escaped. And ever since I've been plotting his downfall and my own conquest of the planet. The trouble is, all of us are telepathically linked to each other and the original D. That's why he's been able to foil all my plans, but it's also how I've been able to escape being captured. Now we have to get out of here.

Fantomas unstraps Dude from his chair.

DUDE
Thanks for rescuing me. I won't fail you ever again.

FANTOMAS
First, I must give you a little reminder.

Fantomas gives Dude a massive atomic wedgie. Dude howls.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: LAST NIGHT AT ELLEN'S

CUT TO:

INT. ELLEN'S BEDROOM --NIGHT
Ellen ducks below the Shadowy Figure's gun, grabs the bat and swings. The bat connects with the shadowy figure's head, cracking it open. The Figure falls dead and we see that it's FURIOUS D.

ELLEN
I just killed Furious D.

Another figure steps out of the shadows. This too is Furious D.

FURIOUS D-665
Actually, that was D-3/9507. Not one the brighter clones. It's like copying VHS, you make a copy of a copy, and it's just not right where it counts.

ELLEN
Clones? You got to be kidding me.

FURIOUS D-665
I'm Furious D #665 and you have to come with me if you want to live.

ELLEN
Why should I listen to you? You sent me to spend the night with Dr. Mengele's dentist brother, my tooth hurts, and I've got PMS! What's to stop me from bashing your brains into pudding like your dim twin there.

FURIOUS D-665
This is literally a situation where if you kill me, 2 more will take my place. In fact, one of us is being shot to death as we speak.

The bedroom door opens and in walk 2 more Furious D's.

ELLEN
Talk about narcissism run amok! So, all the times I told you to go fuck yourself...?

FURIOUS D-665
Very funny, it's not like that's the first time we've heard that. Let's go.

ELLEN
I'm not going anywhere with you or your army of incredibly handsome freaks.;)

Furious D-665 takes out an air pistol and shoots Ellen with a knockout dart.

FURIOUS D-665
Nighty night.

The other 2 D's grab the now unconscious Ellen and carry her out.

CUT TO:

TITLE CARD: RIGHT NOW BACK AT THE HOSPITAL

INT. STORE ROOM --NIGHT
Baron, Rory and Dr. Romero are busy barricading the door. There's a lot of thumping and banging like someone of something really wants to get in.

DR. ROMERO
Oh, dear. The New England Journal of Medicine is going to have my ass on a platter.

BARON
(angry at Rory)
I told you 'Aim for the Brain!'

RORY
I thought you said aim for the spleen... sorry.

BARON
Now we're out of bullets and all my secret service agents have been turned into ghouls.

RORY
Don't worry. If you get turned into a zombie people will think you've become Al Gore.

BARON
What's keeping me from killing you right now?

RORY
I know, we can blame it on a vast right wing conspiracy!

BARON
This door isn't going to hold them out much longer!

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

Damn you, D! Now I have to find another direction to go in! ARGH!!! :mad:

[Ellen M.]

I just want to know one thing...
How'd you know about the wooden spoon?!...
Damn you Baron!

Ms. VP ;)

[GiGi]

/munching popcorn, enjoying my new fave show :)

[bizzlejig]

I have to admit, I didn't think I'd have the patience to read a script written entirely on a message forum, but this thing is totally cracking me up.

Hey, Gigi, pass the popcorn.

[GiGi]

Buttered or plain? :)
Twizzler? ;)

[El Duderino Diablo]

INT. PENTAGON INTERROGATION ROOM – NIGHT

The DUDE picks himself up off the floor gingerly adjusting himself.

DUDE
Right, gee, that wedgie sure taught me a lesson there, Fantomas. I’ll know better next time. As a token of my appreciation I’d like to give you a little something.

FANTOMAS
And What’s that?

The DUDE delivers unto FANTOMAS a debilitating kick to the nads. FANTOMAS drops to the floor and doesn’t move.

DUDE
I don’t know how you suckered me into this ridiculous plot of yours, numbnuts, but I’m out. Actually, no, first I’m going to sort you out, then I’m off to the hospital to sort out your clone, then I’m going back home for a well-deserved piss up. Now, say hello to my size 13’s…

The DUDE begins laying the boots into FANTOMAS.

CUT TO:
INT. STOREROOM – NIGHT

BARON and RORY are desperately trying to barricade the storeroom door against marauding zombie secret service agents, nurses, orderlies, janitors and one undead FURIOUS D clone. One undead agent is jammed in the partly open door and gnashing hungrily at RORY’s ankles.

RORY
Oh crap! Just drag that one in, Mr. President.

BARON
Isn’t that counter productive to our goal here, Rory?

RORY
We can’t close the door with him stuck there and he ain’t quite been dead long enough we can just slam the door and make a zombie split! Haul him in, I’ll club him!

BARON
Aren’t you packing heat?

RORY
No! Aren’t you?

BARON
No! But he is!

The secret service agent zombie jammed in the door has pulled a mini-uzi from his coat, waving it about RORY’s feet.

RORY
Whoa! Shit! Armed zombies! Well, that’s just no good at all!

CUT TO:

EXT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

FURIOUS D-665 is hauling ELLEN towards the hospital emergency room doors when a grey chevy caprice comes screaming towards them in a smoking, screeching four wheel drift, clipping FURIOUS D-665 in the hip with one well placed fender. ELLEN goes tumbling ass over tea kettle through the emerg. Room doors as the DUDE leaps from the car.

DUDE
Huh! Fancy that, another one!

FURIOUS D-665
AIYEE! My hip! Somebody help me! I’ve fallen and I can’t get…

DUDE cuts FURIOUS short with a well placed kick to the nads.

DUDE
Don’t know if we’ve met but you likely had that coming to yeh! Now come along like a good little freak of nature.

DUDE drags the whimpering FURIOUS D-665 to the trunk of the caprice, pops the lid and…

DUDE
Say hello to your leetle frien’! I'm sure you've already met. Likely during that idyllic childhood y'all shared back in the ol' petrie dish. Hands on your head, whipdick!

DUDE cuffs FURIOUS D-665's hands behind him with a zap strap and tosses him into the trunk with the other FURIOUS clone (aka FANTOMAS) who's bound head to toe in duct tape.

DUDE
Right, enjoy yerselves ya dreary tossers!

DUDE slams the lid shut, breaks the trunk key off in the lock and proceeds to the emergency room and the dazed ELLEN.

DUDE
Oh Ellen! I believe we have a little something to discuss.

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT., WEST PROJECT STOREROOM –- NIGHT

In a moment of inspired brilliance, BARON jumps on the head of the undead SECRET SERVICE AGENT, crushing its skull, and spattering brains across the room, including RORY's shoes.

RORY
Ah, crap! I'll never get the smell out!

BARON
Pull him in, you silly (BLEEP)!
(more)

RORY pulls the undead into the room, and BARON & DR. ROMERO slam the door shut.

BARON
Wanna get that gun? And check him for his throw-aways, too.

RORY grabs the mini-uzi, and checks the body for other firearms, He comes up with two .9 mm Baretta Parabellums, a CZ-380, and a Laws Rocket.

RORY
Kee-Rist! These guys are armed for bear.

BARON
Yeah, well, thery're supposed to be protecting my life. In case you haven't noticed, there have been a few attempts on it lately.

Just then, a hidden panel at the rear of the storeroom slide open, and from it emerges DR. HERBERT WEST, (played by Jeffrey Combs,) head of the West Project.

WEST
Mr. President, Romero, this way!

RORY
What about me?

WEST
That's implied. Hurry!

The three men run to the opening where WEST awaits them. BARON pauses for a moment.

BARON
Hang on a sec.
(To RORY)
Laws Rocket, please.

RORY hands BARON the launcher.

WEST
There isn't time.

BARON
Make time.
(waiting for the door to burst open)
Come to Daddy.
(more)

The storeroom door breaks inward as the bolts give way.

BARON
Suck on this, zombitches!

Baron fires the Laws Rocket into the mob of undeads in the door, sending body parts and gore in all directions, in a firey explosion. He drops the spent rocket, turns, and the panel slides closed.

CUT TO:

INT., HOSPITAL EMERGECY ROOM -- NIGHT.

ELLEN surveys the carnage left in the aftermath of FURIOUS D's death and retrieval from the E.R.

ELLEN
I miss out on all the fun. If only it weren't for all this blood. Oh, God. Don't puke, Ellen. That'll only make it worse. Grossamundo!

The DUDE enters through the swinging doors with an arrogant swagger, and saunters up to ELLEN.

DUDE
Okay, what gives? Who do you work for? Me, or Fantomas? This whole deal is really confusing, and I haven't had nearly enough to drink to be able to piece it all together. So how about you cut me a little slack, and tell me your side of it?

ELLEN
Listen, Bub, I'd never met any phantom-ass, and you had me trying to grease the President. On top of that, I've really got to pee; and in a moment, I'm going to show you just what PMS is all about.

DUDE
You mean you don't want to kill Baron?

ELLEN
Kill him? No! I want to get rid of that $120 million slag, and marry him myself. That's what I call consolidation of power! Woo!

DUDE
Well, I never wanted to kill the guy, but Fantomas had some kind of weird power over me. I know now that it was all an illusion. The only problem is, he's clones. There are more of those bastards running around than there are Starbuck's in the known universe.

ELLEN
The key is to find the main clone. The original.

DUDE
That should be easy. We just have to find out where his mother lives. I guarantee he'll be living in her basement.

ELLEN
So we work together?

DUDE
Deal. First we get the keystone clone, then we get rid of the First Lady.

ELLEN
But where is Baron?

TO BE CONTINUED

[Furious D]

EXT. WASHINGTON STREET --NIGHT
A big green van painted up like Scooby-Doo's Mystery Machine barrels down the road. Except this van's painted with the label: ZOMBIE MACHINE.

CUT TO:

INT. ZOMBIE MACHINE --CONTINUOUS
Baron, Rory, & Dr. Romero are piled into the back of the van while Herbert West drives.

BARON
Just get me to the White House. That blue pill's still working...

WEST
There are more important things in this world than sex Mr. President!

BARON
Speak for yourself.

ROMERO
I don't know what blowing up the lab's gonna do to my insurance.

RORY
Can we get a pizza? And is there a Foot Locker near here, I gotta get some new shoes.

WEST
I'm talking about a crisis that goes beyond your petty concerns. I'm talking about...

A bullet crashes through the window and blasts West's head clean open, spraying blood and brains all over everybody.

RORY
Not again!

ROMERO
I just had the car detailed, shit!

BARON
Who's driving the van?

With a dead West at the wheel the van carreens out of control towards the Potomac River.

All three living occupants scream in terror.

CUT TO:

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE --NIGHT
Dude's car pulls up. Dude and Ellen get out.

DUDE
This must be it. It's the home of Angry D, and his wife Petulant D, the parents of Furious D.

ELLEN
We sure got here fast.

Dude takes out a pistol.

DUDE
You lure him out and I'll pop a cap in his ass.

ELLEN
Sounds like a plan.

Ellen walks over to the basement door.

ELLEN
Hey, Furious! GiGi and I are holding a lipstick lesbo-party, wanna come?

FURIOUS DS
(in unison) Sounds like fun, I'll bring the badger.

Ellen and Dude turn around to see that they're surrounded by an army of Furious D's.

Dude aims his pistol into the crowd, but one D takes out a remote control and presses a button. Dude howls, drops the pistol and falls to his knees.

A couple of clones grab Dude.

FURIOUS D-12
That'll do Dude, that'll do. Thanks for delivering the defective D-666 to me. You did exactly what I wanted you to do...

ELLEN
You've been using us to try to kill Baron?

FURIOUS D-12
That was Fantomas all the way. I just planted a chip into his minion Dude's brain making him turn on his master at the appointed time, and I manipulated him into coming here by killing his beloved pet donkey Snuggles. You see, the Dude has no will of his own. He merely does the bidding of those smarter than him, and then bitches about it later.

ELLEN
Like a Canadian voter?

FURIOUS D-12
Exactly. Now we're here to take delivery of the package. (to other clones) Open the trunk.

DUDE
Destroy the keystone! Destroy the keystone!

Dude breaks free from the other clones and charges at Furious D-12. Furious D-12 knocks him down with an expert karate chop.

FURIOUS D-12
Bad idea, besides, I'm merely Furious D-12. Now let's get that trunk open.

Some clones force open the trunk, but inside they only find Furious D-665. Fantomas is gone.

FURIOUS D-12
That clever little devilishly handsome bastard!

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

INT., FURIOUS D'S BASEMENT LAIR -- NIGHT.

Illuminated by the blue glow of a computer screen, we discover the secret lair of Furious D. He obviously hired Saddam's interior designer to decorate. The green shag carpet is matted with spilled soda, and other fluids that decorum forbids discussing. In one corner is a laboratory table with standard glassware, and a row of petrie dishes marked "I-C-K/1325" through "I-C-K/1334". Three FURIOUS Ds are working at the lab table, while one sits at the computer, manipulating something in Photoshop. FURIOUS D-12, FURIOUS D-665, and several other FURIOUS Ds escort ELLEN and THE DUDE down the stairs into the basement.

FURIOUS D-12
(calling up the stairs)
No, Mom. Ellen's not that kind of girl. Please don't start.
(to himself)
I'm not a bad boy, just because I have a penis...

ELLEN
Uh, nice... place.

DUDE
I wouldn't sit down anywhere.

They make their way over to the computer area, and as they walk across the carpet, the carpet tends to stick to the soles of their shoes.

ELLEN
Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

They look over the shoulder of the FURIOUS D at the computer, and see that he's Photoshopped jpegs of ELLEN and GIGI onto the heads of porn starlets performing a lesbian scene. The FURIOUS D at the computer speaks.

FURIOUS D
There. Save you for later.
(more)

He clicks on "save" and spins in his chair.

FURIOUS D
I... am Furious D.

DUDE
What number?

FURIOUS D
No number. I'm the present Furious D archtype. I'm based on cells from the original Furious D, who was born in the year 2 B.C.E. Okay, so technically, I'm Furious D, Series I-C-K, #0.

ELLEN
Furious D, I-C...? No... That's too easy. But it's all starting to make sense, in some weird way.

DUDE lunges for FURIOUS D, but FURIOUS D-665 presses the button on the remote, taking DUDE down in excruciating agony.

DUDE
(grabbing his 'nads)
You bas- Oh, pain! Ow... Ow...

FURIOUS D
You know Dude, we can keep doing this all night, if you'd like. Or, we can talk about eliminating Furious D-666, getting Ellen what she wants, and you getting that chip removed from your egg basket. What do you want to do?

The DUDE raises his head, the green shag sticking to the side of his face as he does.

DUDE
Talk. Talk is good.

ELLEN
I thought you said that the chip was implanted in the Dude's brain.

FURIOUS D-665
That was Furious D-12, and where do think the Dude's brain is?

ELLEN looks at the DUDE, then back at FURIOUS D-665.

ELLEN
When you're right, you're right. Okay, I realize that you're one of the great geniuses of the 21st Century, and a witty bastard to boot, but why should we trust you and your incredibly handsome crew of brilliant clones?

FURIOUS D
Oh, Ellen, you saucy vixen. If only you didn't have eyes for Baron! But, be-that-as-it-may, let me tell you the story of why the Furious D Project was created...

CUT TO:

EXT., BANK OF THE POTOMAC RIVER -- NIGHT.

RORY and BARON drag themselves up onto the bank of the river, dripping wet, and look back at the cold, dark waters.

RORY
Poor Romero and West. They were only trying to help.

BARON
Yeah, well I'm getting tired of this shit. Every time I turn around, some crazy motherfucker is trying to kill me!

RORY
Hey...

BARON
What?

RORY
You didn't get "bleeped" when you swore. Hot damn! We got picked up on cable!

BARON
Shit.
(waits, looks around)
Fuck.
(waits... smiles)
Shit, piss, fuck... tits, pussy, dick. God damn, Rory! You're right! Motherfucker, cocksucker, blow job, twat, asshole, cu-

RORY
Baron! We need to get back to the White House and regroup. Come on, before someone else takes another pot-shot at you. Whoever murdered West is probably still close by.

BARON
Unless he, she or it thinks we fuckin' drowned! Free at last, free at last! Thank muthafuckin' Gawd-damn Almighty, I am free at last!

RORY and BARON start walking towards the Capitol.

RORY
This is gonna be a long walk.

BARON
Fuck the long-ass walk! I'm the fuckin' President. Let's catch a shitty D.C. cab.
(more)

As they walk to a corner to find a cab, we hear BARON chanting gleefully, the sound of his voice trailing off.

BARON
Cock-chugger, shithead, asshat, bongo-titties; fuckwad, dick-smoker, whore-bitch...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., FURIOUS D'S MOTHER'S BASEMENT -- MORNING.

All the FURIOUS Ds, except #0, are snoring away in an onanistic stupor. FURIOUS D #0 is still talking. ELLEN and The DUDE are seated on an orange plaid couch, upon which they had first laid down sheets of newspaper. They're trying hard to stay awake, and periodically nod.

FURIOUS D
... rumors of anal probes by extraterrestrial Grays, and chronic masturbation. But, if you look closely at DaVinci's "The Last Supper," you'll see that there's a Furious D holding the chalice. Anyway, that's why we're here.

ELLEN
That's... yeah, that's great. Can I go pee now?

FURIOUS D
Can I watch?

ELLEN
Just tell me where the bathroom is. But remind me to slap you for that later.

FURIOUS D
Kinky! Over there, next to my comic book collection.

ELLEN gets up and goes to the bathroom.

DUDE
Now, how about that chip?

FURIOUS D
Sure thing, Dude.
(calling across the room)
Rabbi Furious D-owitz! Moyle service needed over here!

From a dark corner of the room emerges RABBI FURIOUS D-OWITZ. He looks just like all the other FURIOUS Ds, except he's got a long beard, peyes, a big furry Chassidic hat, and a tallis. He's carrying a set of garden shears.

RABBI FURIOUS D-OWITZ
Mazel Tov!

The DUDE looks at the shears, and all the color drains from his face. ELLEN returns from her bathroom trip, and sees RABBI FURIOUS D-OWITZ.

ELLEN
That's the biggest porn collection I've ever- Oy! A lahnzman!

RABBI FURIOUS D-OWITZ
Don't touch me! You're unclean! Go to the mikvah, then we'll talk.

ELLEN
Fecakteh putz.

CUT TO:

EST. SHOT: THE WHITE HOUSE -- MORNING.

CUT TO:

INT., THE OVAL OFFICE -- MORNING.

BARON and RORY are bringing GIGI up to date on everything that happened over the last 24 hours.

BARON
... and now, I can fuckin' cuss like a goddamn, motherfuckin' sailor, and no one can say shit!

GIGI
But where is Ellen? I miss her shayna punim.

RORY
Shayna punim? You're a Heeb?

GIGI
No, but I thought it would turn Ellen on if I learned some Yiddish.
(more)

BARON and RORY look at each other, and RORY brings up two fingers in front of his mouth, sticks his tongue between them and wiggles his tongue. The two men smile and nod at one another.

GIGI
And what about the madman who shot Dr. West?

CUT TO:

EXT., THE WHITE HOUSE -- DAY.

FURIOUS D-666 is walking in with a White House tour group.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[The Baron]

Now was that really necessary, Erbenz? Did any of us insult you, that you feel the need to be intentionally malicious towards four forum members, one of whom writes for the site, in one fell swoop?

Fuggit. I'm gonna let someone else report you to the mods and have your ass banned.

*********
Oh, well, I changed my mind and reported your post to the forum moderators. And I have a feeling some other people will do the same thing.

Buh-bye! :rolleyes:

[Furious D]

Gee, I don't know what to think. For the first time I wasn't one of the people being insulted. :rolleyes:

Actually:

Erbenz- I have to say that the episode was not only insulting, but badly written and not funny. :mad: You should consider deleting it and save yourself the embarrassment of being flamed into cinders as a NTWW character.

Gotta go, I'm having the carpet in my basement steam cleaned.:p

[Furious D]

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Baron, Rory and GiGi are having a meeting. Judex sits rather shamefaced in front of Baron's desk.

BARON
I'm very disappointed in you brother. What would Mom say about your behaviour?

GIGI
I mean with Paris Hilton of all people. Don't you know where she's been?

JUDEX
You're disappointed? How do you think I feel? That's the last time I mix percodan and mescal... Okay... maybe the second last time...

BARON
(to GiGi) Hey! That's my wife you're talking about!

GIGI
I'm trying to make a point here!

BARON
And you're hurting my feelings!

Baron starts crying.

GIGI
I'm sorry. Maybe later you can be the meat in a lipstick lesbo sandwich.

Baron stops crying instantly.

BARON
Okay. Now I've had a rough night and I desperately need my beauty sleep.

RORY
I'll say.

BARON
What's with you people this morning? Is this pick on the President Day?

Rory holds up a calendar. Baron reads it.

BARON
Oh, it is. Well I'm going to sleep and I do not want to find you in my bed Judex.

JUDEX
Hey, I don't even like to love you like a brother.

BARON
Fuck off!

Baron leaves in a huff.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY --DAY
Baron walks down the hallway when the tour group turns the corner.

Fantomas leaps from the crowd brandishing a knife.

BARON
Furious?

FANTOMAS
Die Baron! Die!

BARON
Nooo!!!

Baron curls up in a ball in the corner and starts crying. Suddenly a NUN leaps from the tour group and snaps Fantomas's neck like a twig.

Fantomas falls dead at Baron's feet.

BARON
Thank you sister.

FURIOUS D PRIME
(disguised as Nun) I ain't your sister buddy.

The Nun tears off the habit and mask revealing FURIOUS D PRIME dressed in full commando combat gear.

BARON
You're alive, but I saw you die, three times to be exact.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Those were my clones. Including this defective fellow. Thanks for coming out as bait.

BARON
Are you a clone too?

FURIOUS D PRIME
I'm Furious D Prime. The one and only immortal original from which all D's emerge. I've currently got Ellen and The Dude at the lair of one my clones. They're safe and Dude's getting treatment for his...condition...

CUT TO:

INT. FURIOUS D.I.C...'S LAIR --DAY
Rabbi Furious is chasing Dude around with a pair of garden shears.

RABBI FURIOUS
Come on, it's just a little snip-snip.

DUDE
I don't have enough to spare.

Ellen is ignoring them and talking to Furious D-0.

ELLEN
Okay, so what's in my book deal?

FURIOUS D-0
Basically my staff will knock it off in about a week, then they'll go out and bulk buy the copies to make sure it gets on the best seller lists. That'll get you on all the talk shows and the people, like the sheep they are will buy it all up.

ELLEN
Sounds good. What shall I call it?

D-0
How about, 'Kitten With A Whip, The Ellen M. Story.'

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY --DAY
Furious D-Prime is helping Baron get to his feet.

BARON
Clones, conspiracies, zombies, ancient immortal commandos dressed as nuns, what kind of a president am I? I'm making Lyndon Larouche sound rational.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Well, now there's one problem out of the way.

BARON
I was so scared, I shit my pants.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Official Presidential Ass-Wiper! The President needs you!

ERBENZ comes out of a closet carrying some triple ply toilet paper.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Clean the President's rectum now wiper boy!

ERBENZ
Yes sir. Come with me Mr. President.

BARON
Get somebody to clean up that dead body too.

FURIOUS D PRIME
My people are on it.

Three more D's come in and drag off the late Fantomas.

CUT TO:

INT. LINCOLN BEDROOM --DAY
Baron, dressed in his Presidential jammies, crawls into bed.

BARON
I'm all alone and that damn viagra's still working.

Stinky sticks his head out from beneath the covers.

STINKY
Hi Prez, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Baron takes out a small pistol from under the sheets.

BARON
Guess, you little rodent.

The door bursts open and in storms a soaking wet DR. ROMERO.

ROMERO
You little bastard! You left me in the damn river!

BARON
Sorry! You know how much I hate getting cold and wet. Hot and wet's a whole other story.

STINKY
That's what I heard.

Baron pops a bullet into Stinky's head. The force of the shot sends him flying across the room and bounces him off the wall in a bloody heap.

BARON
Now please go. I've got to get some sleep.

Then the phone rings. Baron answers it.

BARON
President Baron, the evil that never sleeps.

GIGI (OS)
Sir, there's a major situation brewing in Japan. Come to the Oval Office right away!

TO BE CONTINUED:

You see Erbenz. If you're going to insult people, you will have to accept the consequences.

[Ellen M.]

Okay, did I miss something here, or did you guys have the delete key pressed on erbenz?

And just to clarify... the "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" by George Carlin are...shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat.

Liking the heeb references, but Baron, it's "peyes". Gotta nail you on the typos, bro!

Ms. VP

[The Baron]

Apparently, reporting to the mods works. Don't worry, Ellen, you didn't miss anything funny. Had it been funny, I would have never said anything. And thank you for correcting my spelling error. Sometimes, transliterating Hebrew to English is hit and miss.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have to go clean myself up. I just read Furious D's last episode, and I'm laughing so hard that I can barely type. :eek:

No one has ever lampooned me as well as you, Furious. People who have known me for years have never been able to zing me with as adept a wit. Bravo, my friend. :D

[Furious D]

Thanks for your compliment Baron. I am honoured. :D

I've learned from the master. If you're nice, I'll give you his number.:rolleyes:

Plus, I just had to top your own rather pointed and clever lampooning of me, plus that whole Erbenz episode gave me an opportunity to flame two birds with one stone. :p

Point of correction: I live in my parent's attic, not the basement. Just me, my badger, and the seagull that keeps staring at me through the skylight.;)

[El Duderino Diablo]

Damn, I always miss out on the scandal and intrigue.

[erbenz]

I need to learn about setting targets, like John Kerry
Sorry I offended you all and i will not contribute again, if you don't want me too. I am a nice guy, who didn't realise I was offending you until I read the script....

So please forgive me

Actually, I also found what was written about me actually quite funny... It doesn't really mean much to be made fun of for me, but i'll consider your feelings in the future

[Ellen M.]

Okay, it looks like we're ALL playing nice again, so let's keep this party going... Bring it on!

D, do you have flowers in your attic?
Ellen ;)

[The Baron]

Too early in the morning; not enough coffee.

Apology accepted in the spirit in which it was given, Erbenz. Remember, the key is to riff off of the action in the previous episode. Keep a logical progression and maintain the characters based upon they original synopsis and logical behavior. "Zings" and lampooning are fine, even enjoyed by us all, but make them suitable to the established character. Ease into it, and all should be well.

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
D, do you have flowers in your attic?
Ellen ;)

I used to, but Chompy kept eating them. They give him a strange floral scented flatulence that I tried to market as an air freshener called FRESH AS A BADGER'S BUTT:D. I should have warned my first customer that it was mostly methane and highly flammable, but I didn't know he was a smoker.:rolleyes:

Now. Who's turn is it to grind out another episode so we can find out what crisis is brewing in Japan?:) :) :)

[El Duderino Diablo]

Originally posted by Furious D

Now. Who's turn is it to grind out another episode so we can find out what crisis is brewing in Japan?:) :) :)

If I don't get an emergency call from the comic book store then I may be able to churn something out. I don't know... I've got Brazil half watched and sitting in the dvd player and a really good book on Terry Gilliam that I'm itching to return to.
This Japan thing, if I do add to it then I have to work Riki Takeuchi (Dead or Alive I - III, Fudoh, Battle Royale II) into it. That guy rules.

[Ellen M.]

C'mon Dude!... You did such a great job on your last episode... Screw "Brazil", you can watch that anytime!... The Prez & VP are counting on you... don't fail us!

Ellen ;)

[El Duderino Diablo]

INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY
A haggard looking PREZ. BARON stumbles into the Oval office with DR. ROMERO and FURIOUS D PRIME bringing up the rear. RORY and GIGI are multi-tasking several phones between the two of them while JUDEX, fast asleep, snores loudly from beneath a throw rug in the corner.

BARON
Okay, what’s their problem now? Trade tariffs? North Korea? A bunch of imperialist Yukio Mishima-type pussies take over an army base again? What?

RORY
Actually, it’s more like a big, pissed off lizard. With radioactive breath.

BARON
Get the fuck outta here! You mean Godzilla?

RORY
Yeah and a few of his buddies.

GIGI
And Prime Minister Takeuchi has gone missing.

BARON
Prime Minister Riki Takeuchi?

GIGI
Yup.

BARON
Well, whadda ya expect when you elect an actor to office, keerist!
(more)
The Oval office is silent as staffers check their nails, inspect the carpet and otherwise avoid making eye contact with President BARON.

BARON
What? What? C’mon, I’m way more qualified for this gig than he ever was for PM! His whole career he just ran around chewing scenery and shooting people, any hack could do that! I suffered for my art, for the craft! I… I… I was molested by Joel Schumacher in the line of duty, Oh, for the love of god!

The BARON’s body is wracked by a violent sob as he is forced to relive the memory of Joel Schumacher’s fishy fingers stroking his naked skin.
RORY steps in and backhands the BARON across the face, grabs the lapels of his robe and begins shaking him violently, slapping his face.

RORY
Yeah, yeah, yeah, way to go taking a bullet for the team, boss! Now snap out of it, Mr. President! Come on, that was a long time ago and your footage never saw the light of day! (more)

JUDEX, awakened from his slumber, pulls a DVD case from his coat marked 8MM ULTIMATE EDITION, winks at GIGI and mouths the words “FIFTY BUCKS” to GIGI who winks back at him.

RORY (continued)
Oh for fuck’s sake! He’s not responding! Somebody get that cheeseball quack Dr. Phil on the phone. People! Japan is without a leader and due to a rather extreme gambling debt that our President incurred to PM Takeuchi the last time they met, a gambling and whoring debt that can never be paid off, President Baron is obligated to stand in for PM Takeuchi in his absence. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to Japan!
Now don’t just stand there like a bunch of dumb monkeys! Hustle! Come on! Get moving or taste my bat upside yo head, bizitches!
Furious, can I speak to you for a moment?

FURIOUS D PRIME comes over to RORY as staffers scramble out of the office.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Whoot’s up, Rory?

RORY
It’s your clones. I can’t have those things wandering around in our absence. They’re just too damned unstable.

FURIOUS D PRIME
So whoot do ya want may tuh do aboot it?

RORY
Terminate them. All of them. They’re a pain in the ass, unstable as hell and honestly, they’re creeping everyone out.

FURIOUS D PRIME
I cain’t do thet, Rory! Anythin’ boot thet! Thair a pahrt uv me! Please, Rory.

RORY
Nope. You do it or the secret service will do it for you. Now, get cracking. And what’s with that Newfie accent?

FURIOUS D PRIME
(sobbing)
Yes, Rory. It’s nut'in', Rory.

CUT TO:
INT. FURIOUS D.I.C.’S LAIR – DAY

DUDE is still being chased by the RABBI FURIOUS as FURIOUS D-O discusses the book deal with ELLEN. The DUDE is looking pretty winded by now as is RABBI FURIOUS. As DUDE laps the basement and passes ELLEN she hands him a Dixie cup of water. DUDE splashes water across his face and checks his watch which has begun beeping.

DUDE
Christ! Finally!

ELLEN and FURIOUS D-O
(in unison)
What finally?!

As RABBI FURIOUS jumps on DUDE’s back and the two begin to struggle a man’s raspy voice is heard from outside calling out:

MAN (OS)
DUUUUDE!

RABBI FURIOUS
Just a vittle shnip-shnip!

DUDE
NO! No “vittle shnip-shnip” you frickin’ wacko! I’M IN HERE! THE CELLAR!

ELLEN
I think we can cus now, Dude.

MAN (OS)
DUUUUDE!

DUDE elbows RABBI FURIOUS in the nose as a rather concerned looking FURIOUS D-O brings out his remote and zaps the DUDE who lets out one hell of a shriek

DUDE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE!

MAN (OS - closer now)
DUUUUDE!

Suddenly the cellar door explodes inward and revealed, standing in the doorway, is the haggard form of STEVE EARLE clutching an acoustic guitar in his hand.

STEVE EARLE
Dude! Sheeee-yit! What have they done to you, man!

DUDE
(weakly)
G-G-G-get him… the thirty-year-old virgin…

STEVE EARLE leaps across the room and smashes his guitar across the back of FURIOUS D-O’s head. In an explosion of splinters and zinging guitar strings FURIOUS D-O drops like a bad habit.

ELLEN
SHIT! We were discussing my book deal, you fucking hillbilly!

STEVE EARLE
(looming menacingly over ELLEN)
Tough shit, darlin’. Fuck were ya doin’ with ma buddy?

ELLEN
Uh, nothing. Just the book deal with the, uh, virgin.

DUDE
Forget about her, grab me that remote control... the virgin’s got it. Sumbitch wired my nutsack for extreme agony.

STEVE EARLE
Now thet jus’ ain’t right. You don’t fuck with a man’s nutsack like that jus’ like you don’t fuck with a man’s car.

DUDE
(crawling to his knees and giving RABBI FURIOUS another shot in the head along the way)
Speaking of cars did you bring mine?

STEVE EARLE
Yep, thet’s how I found ya. Got the GPS system tied into your watch. Managed t'get it up and working fine this mornin’. By the way, thet Jap frien’ of your’s, Riki whats-his-name keeps phoning yer cel and leaving crazy, hysterical messages. I don’t know what he’s yammerin’ about. Big lizards and a bunch a zombie chicks named Stacy?

DUDE
Oh yeah, Riki, he’s got some good surgeons in Japan. They can get this frigging chip outta my nutsack without messing anything up. Right, we’re off to Japan then. Give me a hand up, Steve.

ELLEN
What about me? You’re not leaving me here with these two!

DUDE
(on his feet and laying the boots into the unconscious FURIOUS D-O)
Do what you want, darlin’. You’re on your own now. Shit, you’re the VP, phone the secret service I’m sure they’ll send you a cab or something.

ELLEN
Godamn you!

DUDE
Hey! Not in front of the Rabbi! Sayonara, Ms. Vice-President.

ELLEN
Fuck! Shit! Piss! Fuck!

RABBI FURIOUS
Oy!

CUT TO:

INT. WHITEHOUSE, OUTSIDE THE LINCOLN BEDROOM – DAY
As staffers rush about preparing for BARON and his staff to leave for Japan RORY and GIGI search the halls looking for the BARON, having no luck thus far they return to see if he’s in the LINCOLN BEDROOM. Ear to the door RORY listens intently. From inside the bedroom come the muffled sounds of wet, fleshy slapping, moaning and groaning.

RORY
(pulls a digicam out of his coat pocket)
Fucking figures! We’re in the middle of an international emergency and he puts on this big emotional meltdown act just so he can score a little ass. Well, I’ll put a stop to this but first a couple of photos for my retirement plan…

GIGI
I want in on that action. The retirement plan action, that is.

RORY
Sure, let’s go!

GIGI and RORY burst through the door of the Lincoln bedroom, RORY snapping pics with the digicam as they begin to realize the full horror of the scene before them. The Lincoln bedroom is an orgiastic scene awash with the writhing, glistening, naked bodies of FURIOUS D clones busily servicing one another.
GIGI and RORY vomit spectacularly as, from the center of the room, FURIOUS D PRIME hoists himself up on one elbow and announces:

FURIOUS D PRIME
Whut? You didnae think I wuz goin’ te off m’babies witoot sayin’ gudbye, didja?

GIGI and RORY begin vomiting again as they quickly back out of the room.

CUT TO:
EXT. BATTLEMENTS OF A MODERN CONCRETE FORTRESS SOMEWHERE IN JAPAN – NIGHT
On a balcony high above the ground Prime Minister Riki Takeauchi, wearing a snappy suit and not a hair out of place in his perfect Elvis pompadour, stalks back and forth, snarling viciously and cursing in Japanese. In the distance portions of Tokyo flare up in bursts of atomic fire as the dark silhouettes of giant creatures battle one another amongst the skyscrapers. On the street below PM Takeuchi’s fortress are hundreds of once cute but now very undead teenage girls in private school sailor suits. Between curses and foul oaths PM Takeuchi leans over the balcony with gun in hand to open fire on the zombie girls, called Stacys.

PM TAKEUCHI
(translated from the Japanese)
FUCK! Giant radioactive monsters! Zombie school girls! Earthquakes! Tsunami! Dammit! Why can’t we have any peace around here! SHIT! FUCK! Give me that rocket launcher, you turd!

PM TAKEUCHI snatches a LAW from a nearby soldier, goes to the edge of the parapet, takes aim and fires into the horde of hungry zombie girls, blowing dozens of them into various, squirming bits and pieces.

PM TAKEUCHI
Take that you fucking Stacys!

Laughing maniacally he spits at the Stacys, pulls his gun and fires off several more rounds.

CUT TO:

INT. CELLAR LAIR - DAY

FURIOUS D-O wakes to find the joint trashed and FURIOUS RABBI stomping out the door, his nose bloodied.

FURIOUS D-O
Oh, m'head! Whu- whu- whut happened?

FURIOUS RABBI
I'll tell ya vut happned! Big hillbilly busted in here and beat your ass den him and de Dude took off to Japan. So did the goil. I t'ink she stole your vallet, too.

FURIOUS D-O
Blast! I thought we humiliated the Dude ad nauseum while you performed surgery on his schwanz?

FURIOUS RABBI
All in yer head, putz. Seeya!

FURIOUS D-O
Damn. Well, this is humiliating. Guess I'll just lie here and continue to delude myself into believeing in a more appealing alternate take on what just happened.
It'll go something like this...

CUT TO:

[Furious D]

INT. CELLAR LAIR --DAY
The Dude wakes up.

DUDE
I had a strange dream while I was unconscious. Japan was being attacked by movie monsters. And Rory & GiGi walked in on... well you don't need to know about that...

RABBI FURIOUS
Oy gevalt! We know all about your dream. Your putz got so hard I didn't need the microscope to see it anymore. You're one sick sodomite.

DUDE
Is that chip out of my pecker?

RABBI FURIOUS
I got it out.

Dude looks down to see that he's now in a big adult diaper.

DUDE
What's with the diaper?

RABBI FURIOUS
Oy, you need to wear that for the next year and a half. It's a good thing Pampers makes them in your size. When you go shopping they're under the name Lardass.

FURIOUS D-0
Some fat guy named Steve Earl was here to see you while you were out. He said he wants you to stop calling him. He doesn't swing your way and besides you're too damn ugly for him.

DUDE
I'm just glad that I've got control over my own destiny. Where are my pants?

Ellen walks in carrying Dude's pants.

ELLEN
They put them through the wash. Took two bottles of bleach to get the skidmarks and semen stains out of your shorts. And these cards were in your wallet next to the fifteen year old condom...(reads cards) member of the BC Liberal Party, Gordon Campbell Fan Club, and a membership in something called the Drooling Wankers Who Assume Anybody Who Isn't From Ontario Is From Newfoundland Club.

DUDE
Those are my cards. I love Gordon Campbell, I want to have his babies.

ELLEN
That's lovely. We have to get back to the White House, Japan's under attack and the Prime Minister's disappeared.

DUDE
My dream is coming true. Dare I dream the wet parts will happen too.

RABBI FURIOUS
Not bloody likely. Besides, if you get another boner, that little shmeckel of yours will fall off.

ELLEN
Let's go. Good thing you've got the jeans with the balloon seat to fit over your diaper.

DUDE
It's not the first time I've had to wear one.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Rory hangs up the phone. GiGi, Baron and Furious D are all there.

RORY
Ellen coming and she's bringing the Dude like you wanted.

BARON
Good. If Japan's overrun with zombies and monsters it'll be good to have something to feed them and the Dude should feed a few of them.

Furious D's on another phone.

FURIOUS D
My agents in Japan say that the PM's in some kind of bunker. All the zombie schoolgirls are converging on his location. It's getting messy.

BARON
This calls for action. I say we form a committee to study the situation.

GIGI
Sounds like a plan.

FURIOUS D
I'm sending some of my clones out to study the situation. (pause) Wait a minute, I'm getting a telepathic signal... There's something wrong... Ellen, Dude look out!

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET --DAY
The car containing Ellen, a Furious D clone and the Dude crashes because the tires are blown out and the front's riddled with bullet holes.

A wounded Furious D Clone staggers out, but is zapped by ninja throwing stars and falls dead.

A dozen NINJAS come out and surround the car.

NINJA LEADER
You're coming with us.

Dude puts his hands up.

DUDE
Okay, I'll do whatever you say Ninjas! I'll gladly be your bitch because I'm a coward!!

ELLEN
God you make me sick!

Ellen leaps out of the car and gets into a perfect Kung-Fu pose. The Ninjas charge and she whacks and thwacks them down with a series of deadly martial arts moves.

Dude curls into a little ball and cries in fear.

DUDE
Girls aren't supposed to fight like that!

ELLEN
I'm just defending myself like any man in this situation would.

DUDE
Yeah, but you're doing it better than us!

Ellen grabs the semi-conscious Ninja Leader and drags him up.

ELLEN
Who sent you? Spill the beans or I'll break you in half!

NINJA LEADER
Never...

The Ninja Leader pops a phony tooth releasing a mouthful of poison gas. Ellen tosses the now dead leader away from her and towards the Dude. The Dude screams in a high pitched voice.

TO BE CONTINUED::p

[El Duderino Diablo]

INT. JAL JETLINER - MOVING - DAY

The DUDE screams in a high pitched voice and awakes to find himself still on a JAL jet bound for Japan. A STEWARDESS approaches him.

STEWARDESS
Is everything allright, sir?

DUDE
Yeah, everythings fine. Just had a nightmare about some Nova Scotia crackpot and some ninjas.

STEWARDESS
Well don't worry, sir. There are no Nova Scotia crackpots or ninjas in Japan.

DUDE
No ninjas in Japan?

STEWARDESS
No, they relocated to California years ago.

DUDE
Wild.

CUT TO:

[erbenz]

Just wundering what ep are we up to

[GiGi]

LMAO it's like reading a tabloid! What am I going to do next? You guys are something else. heheheheheheheh

[Furious D]

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
It's morning.
Baron comes in with a smile on his face.

BARON
Good morning my fellow Americans, and visiting Canadians.

Baron exchanges friendly nods with Furious D, Ellen, and GiGi.

Then he sees Judex sprawled on the couch, snoring loudly. This ruins his mood.

BARON
Good morning brother.

Baron kicks Judex on the ass, sending him sprawling to the floor.

JUDEX
What was that for?

BARON
Hmmm, let me see, you were screwing my wife!

JUDEX
Oh, yeah that.

BARON
I couldn't make love to her last night...

GIGI
Didn't you take the blue pill?

BARON
I took the blue pill with an enzyte chaser but even that couldn't help. Every time I looked at my wife's face, I saw the back of his head. That's very limp inducing. What's the situation in Japan.

FURIOUS D
The storyline had devolved into a pissing contest, so after Ellen rescued Dude from an apparently pointless Ninja attack, we put him on a plane to Japan to let him sort it out.

ELLEN
All I have to say is thank god he was already wearing a diaper.

BARON
What about your clones?

FURIOUS D
I sent them on vacation. We had pretty much milked that situation for all its worth.

BARON
I hope the Dude's having a nice flight.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEACH --DAY
The smoking tailfin of a crashed airplane sticks out of the sea. Dude, battered and dishevelled swims to the shore and staggers onto the sandy beach.

DUDE
I'm alive! I survived the plane crash! I'm alive!

Dude looks up to see an infinite variety of Furious D's are also on the beach, accompanied by multiple clones of famous and beautiful women.

FURIOUS DS
(in unison) Hi Dude!

DUDE
I'm in hell!!:eek:

Dude turns around and runs back into the sea.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Baron's back with GiGi, Ellen and Furious D.

ELLEN
So, does all this mean you're dumping Paris Hilton?

Baron looks out the window wistfully.

BARON
I knew what I was getting into when I asked her to marry me. I'd seen the video. It's just that she broke my heart... Plus, the whole thing kind of grosses me out. I mean, it was Judex after all...

JUDEX
I'm right here you know.

FURIOUS D
Maybe you need a little time away from the scene of the atrocity?

JUDEX
I can hear everything you say!

BARON
A vacation is what I need. Let me think, Camp David?

FURIOUS D
Actually, they're holding a party at Area 51 and you're the guest of honour.

BARON
Can I ride the UFO?

FURIOUS D
I've made all the arrangements.

BARON
Great, I'll go pack.

Baron leaves.

ELLEN
I can't believe he's not dumping that skank right away. I mean she slept with Judex. Yech!

JUDEX
Now you're just hurting my feelings.

ELLEN
Are you still here?

Judex leaves, his head slumped down.

FURIOUS D
Give him time. It's hard for a man to toss a woman like Paris Hilton aside.

ELLEN
Why?

FURIOUS D
Iron clad pre-nup. Besides she just might have an accident someday, and you'll always have GiGi.

ELLEN
(to GiGi) Let's go read some Sappho. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

GIGI
Okay.

FURIOUS D
Can I watch?

ELLEN & GIGI
(in unison)
Bring the badger.

CUT TO:

INT. HANGAR 18/AREA 51 --NIGHT
Baron, followed by Furious D come out of Air Force 1. Waiting for them is a line up of scientists and military officers led by an Air Force General named GENERAL SHATNER.

SHATNER
Welcome... to.... Area... 51... Mr. President.

BARON
Great place. Can't wait till you finish. (whispers to Furious D)There's a lot of nerds here. Any hot chicks?

FURIOUS D
There are other things in this world beside sex. Less important things, but they're out there.

BARON
What about you, Ellen and GiGi last night?

FURIOUS D
What about it? All they did was read some ancient greek poetry. Chompy liked it, he loves greek poetry, but I was left with nothing worth posting on my web-site.

BARON
I wanna see the UFO.

SHATNER
Right... this... way...

Suddenly a blinding light comes in from outside.

BARON
What the hell is that?

TO BE CONTINUED:

[El Duderino Diablo]

Originally posted by Furious D
FURIOUS D
The storyline had devolved into a pissing contest, so after Ellen rescued Dude from an apparently pointless Ninja attack, we put him on a plane to Japan to let him sort it out.


Gee, you don't say? Looks to me like it's still a pissing match.

[The Baron]

The flash of light clears, and standing in the midst of the group is ADMIRAL STEWART, an older, balding naval officer.

STEWART
Mr. President, don't listen to this man. He has the morals of an alley cat, and lowers himself to violence to solve every situation.

SHATNER
Oh... listen to the... New Age... military... man! What are you... going to do... about it? Steal my... toupee, you... Klingon loving... queen?

BARON
You know what's coming, don't you Furious?

FURIOUS D and BARON look at each other.

BARON & FURIOUS D
(in unison)
Fisticuffs!

FURIOUS D
(over his shoulder)
Cue the music!

A band, off to the side, breaks into the fight music from the original Star Trek.

STEWART
Wouldn't you rather hear me read Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol?

EVERYONE (except STEWART)
No!

SHATNER chases STEWART all over the hangar, finally cornering him. STEWART attempts to climb the smooth wall, impotently scrambling.

STEWART
Number One! I've made it so, and in my best uniform pants!

Accompanied by a sharp musical sting, SHATNER puts his hands together and brings them down on STEWART's shoulder, rendering him unconscious.

SHATNER
There... that should hold... him.

The entire group breaks into thunderous applause.

BARON
That was almost as good as the time Spock needed to mate.

SHATNER
Now... Mr.... President... your UFO ride... awaits.

BARON
Great. Hey, listen, Shatner... Two things: one, are there any stewardesses on board? You know, green chicks, blue chicks, whatever. And two, can you please stop talking like that? It's really fucking annoying.

CUT TO:

INT., THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- NIGHT.

ELLEN is seated behind her desk, and GIGI is standing before her, in ancient Greek garb, reading from a book. RORY is nodding out in a corner, holding CHOMPY, who is in rapt attention. Hanging from a perch behind her desk, ELLEN's pet bat, MITZVAH, is munching grapes from the V.P.'s hand.

GIGI
Ei he Basilleia, kai he Dynamis, kai he Doxa, eis tous Aionas...

RORY
Enough with the Greek already! I thought you two were gonna-

RORY is cut short by a threatening growl from CHOMPY. GIGI walks over to CHOMPY, and bends over to scratch under his chin. Her loose stola flashes the badger a view of her ample charms, and he stops growling.

GIGI
There, now, little Chompy-whompy. We'll read more later. Why don't you run along to Momma's office. We have business to attend to here.

CHOMPY turns, gives RORY one last brief growl, and scampers out of the office.

RORY
Okay, what are we going to do about this situation? Baron is about as useless as tits on a bull because of this thing with Paris and Judex.

JUDEX (OS)
I can still hear you.

ELLEN
Go away, ya little pervert!

RORY gets up and heads towards the door.

ELLEN
Not you! You're a big pervert.

RORY
That's right. Wanna see my big bat?

ELLEN & GIGI
(in unison)
No!

ELLEN
The First Lady needs to meet with an accident.

GIGI
But how?

They all pause, and think.

RORY
I've got it!

CUT TO:

EXT., THE LAGOON OF A DESERT ISLAND -- DAY.

Paris Hilton-Baron is standing on the beach, as a boat pulls away from shore.

PARIS
(shouting to the departing boat)
But where are the cameras? Where's Nicole? What kind of reality show is this?

A LITTLE MAN wearing faded jeans, sneakers, a red pullover shirt, and a sailor's cap pulled down over his head emerges from the treeline.

LITTLE MAN
Skipper! Professor! Fresh meat!

CUT TO:

INT., UFO -- MOVING.

The bridge looks like it's made of cardboard and Xmas tree lights, with chairs from Ikea. GENERAL SHATNER sits in the captain's seat, and BARON and FURIOUS D enter from sliding doors at the rear of the cabin.

BARON
Who are those two guys, and what were they doing on either side of those doors?

FURIOUS D
They're Teamsters. No one's really sure what any of them do, but they earn more than both of us put together, so don't ask.

SHATNER
Welcome... aboard... Mr. President.

FURIOUS D
What did the man say about the stop-start lingo?

SHATNER
Sorry. Old habit from my days at the Actor's Studio.

FURIOUS D
You're lucky you're Canadian. We all talk funny, so you have an excuse.

BARON
So, Shatner, where are you taking us?

SHATNER
Where no man has gone before.

BARON
Fuck! My ex-wife is from Newark!

SHATNER
Well, actually we're just going to take her once around the planet, then back to the hangar.

FURIOUS D
Hey, isn't that the Capitol Building down there?

Suddenly, sparks fly from the control panel, and the UFO begins to careen out of control.

BARON
What the hell is going on?

SHATNER
I don't know! I've never flown this thing before!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Rory L. Aronsky]

RORY gets up and heads towards the door.

ELLEN
Not you! You're a big pervert.

RORY
That's right. Wanna see my big bat?

ELLEN & GIGI
(in unison)
No!

YES!!! That's the kind of dialogue I've been waiting for myself to have for years!!!

[The Baron]

Originally posted by Rory L. Aronsky
YES!!! That's the kind of dialogue I've been waiting for myself to have for years!!!

Thank you, Rory. But would you expect any less from someone who can actually compose a sentence in ancient Greek? :D

[Rory L. Aronsky]

I wouldn't expect any less because that's high-quality work right there, that is!

As for the Greek, were you bothering the employees at your local Greek joint again?

[The Baron]

No... They always sneak up behind me, and homey don't play that.

Actually, I can translate Latin, ancient Greek and Hebrew. Long story, which I will spare everyone from having to skip past.

Hmm... I guess that sort of explains why I didn't go to my high school prom.

[Furious D]

INT. UFO BRIDGE --MOVING
The room fills with smoke and the ship starts to rock violently send Shatner, Baron and Furious D swinging side to side. On the monitor we see the Capitol Building coming closer and closer.

BARON
Get us out of here Shatner!

SHATNER
I don't know how. Stewart was the guy who actually knew how to fly this thing. I was just in it for the fisticuffs and scoring with green chicks.

BARON
That's just great! Press a button!

SHATNER
Which one?

BARON
Any one!

Shatner hits a blinking green button. The view on the monitor warps and distorts.

FURIOUS D
It's working! We're still alive!

The monitor changes to a view of a clear blue sky.

BARON
We did it!

The monitor then changes to a view of ground coming up fast.

BARON, FURIOUS D, & SHATNER
(in unison) Aaah, shit...

BOOM!

CUT TO:

EXT. RICE FIELD DAY --DAY
Baron, Furious D, and Shatner emerge battered and bruised from the wrecked UFO.

BARON
That was fun. Remind me to fire your ass out of a cannon Shatner.

CHINESE GENERAL (OS)
Welcome American strangers.

The three travellers look up to see a CHINESE ARMY GENERAL with a dozen CHINESE SOLDIERS aiming AK-47s at them.

CHINESE GENERAL
I must inform you that you are now prisoners of the People's Republic of China.

BARON
Don't you know who I am?

A Chinese Soldier whacks Baron on the head with the butt of his rifle, knocking him out.

CUT TO:

INT. VP'S OFFICE --DAY
Ellen's at her desk reading some ancient greek texts when Rory comes in.

RORY
We've got trouble.

ELLEN
What kind of trouble?

RORY
Huge. The paparazzi have found Paris Hilton.

ELLEN
How? You said that island wasn't on any chart!

RORY
Seems a new sex video went on the internet featuring her with a fat sea captain, a skinny guy in a red shirt, a professor, a farmgirl, a movie star, a millionaire and his wife.

ELLEN
That's it. We have to knock her off. She's driving poor Baron insane. By the way where is Baron?

GiGi comes into the office holding Chompy.

GIGI
Has anyone seen Furious D? Chompy's all depressed and he hasn't mauled anyone in days.

ELLEN
That is odd. Usually by now we'd be getting a police report about what they're up to. Where the hell are they?

CUT TO:

INT. DISNEY TOY FACTORY --DAY
Baron, Furious D and Shatner are dressed in grey uniforms and slaving away assembling Disney toys for the next Happy Meal promotion along with thousands of other prisoners.

FURIOUS D
This is just fucking great.

BARON
(dazed) Where's my spring roll waiter?

SHATNER
What's wrong with him?

FURIOUS D
He's still dazed from the blow to the head. We've got to get out of here.

A Guard in a Mao jacket and mickey mouse ears gives them each a jab with a baton.

GUARD
Get to work lazy imperialist dogs! Those toys have to be in Green Bay by Friday!

BARON
(dazed) No, thank you. I've had enough dim-sum.

When the Guard leaves a man pops up from underneath the table. It's JIM HENSON, except now his beard is longer and shaggier and his hair is grey.

HENSON
I hear you want to get out of here.

FURIOUS D
Jim Henson! I thought you were dead.

HENSON
That's what they want you to believe. Eisner had me kidnapped and sent here as part of plot to take control of the Muppets. Ain't that right Kermit?

Henson's right hand comes up from under the work table. It's covered with a worn green sock with drawn on eyes.

KERMIT
Damn right! I wanna kick Eisner in the balls!

FURIOUS D
Get in line. Do you have a plan to get out of here?

HENSON
Kermit does.

Furious D doesn't miss a beat and turns to Kermit.

FURIOUS D
What's your plan?

KERMIT
First thing is, we've got to...(inaudible whispers)

TO BE CONTINUED:

[GiGi]

LOL D, are you sprinking your raisin bran with crack rocks this morning? hehe

my fave line so far is something like "i couldnt possibly be in any more pain"

hahahahahah

folks, i got zero sleep again last night. please help me stay awake at work! :)

[Ellen M.]

Oh man... we've got Godzilla, Kirk & Picard, Greek translations, Jim Henson & Kermit...AND Rory's getting some good lines...Brilliant work, gentlemen...Bravo!...Bravo!

Now can Paris Hilton die already so I can finally get it on with the President?!

Ellen ;)

[The Baron]

:confused: :eek: :) :D !!!

[GiGi]

Get a ROOM! (Lincoln's Bedroom???)
;)

[GiGi]

PS...Im wondering how braces would look for chompy. Did wonders for Tom Cruise ;)

[Furious D]

Originally posted by GiGi
LOL D, are you sprinking your raisin bran with crack rocks this morning? hehe:)

Actually I had cornflakes and as for drugs, I'm high on life.

Well...mostly caffeine, but no crack. Because as Whitney says: Crack is Whack!

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT., A CELL IN THE CHINESE COMPOUND -- NIGHT.

BARON, FURIOUS D and SHATNER are sleeping on straw mats on the floor of a stone and mortar cell. The sound of snoring effectively covers the grinding noise of a large stone being lifted out of the floor. The stone slides to one side, and the green sock puppet KERMIT pokes itself out, turns to either side, then "looks" down into the hole.

KERMIT
(whispering)
Psst... Henson. They're here.
(more)

JIM HENSON emerges from the hole in the floor, and moves stealthily to where FURIOUS D sleeps. He puts his unsocked hand over FURIOUS D's mouth to prevent him from crying out.

KERMIT
Quiet! Are you guys ready? Everything's been arranged.
(more)

FURIOUS D nods his head, and HENSON takes his hand away from his mouth.

KERMIT
Henson slipped some opium pods into the guards' mu-shu dog when the cooks weren't looking. Wake the others, but keep it chill. Do exactly like I say, and we'll get outta this hell-hole alive. Fuck with me, and the deal's off. Understand?

FURIOUS D
Yeah, yeah. Let me wake the President.
(more)

FURIOUS D crawls over to where BARON sleeps soundly, and gently nudges him awake.

FURIOUS D
Mr. President... Baron... Wake up.

BARON
(still slightly dazed)
Wha, huh? Room service?

FURIOUS D
No, Baron. It's check-out time.

BARON
Oh. Okay. Is Air Force One fuelled up? Paris has a ten o'clock nail appointment.

FURIOUS D
Yeah, sure. Come on now. I'll wake General Shatner.

BARON
Shatner? Shatner... Shatner... Schumacher... No! Shatner! Wait! It's all coming back to me now. No, fuck him. He got us into this mess. Leave his ass here.

HENSON
We don't have time for all this. Forget about Shatner. We've gotta get going.

KERMIT
The hippie's right. Time to haul ass. Everybody, down the hole.

BARON and FURIOUS D slide down the hole, disappearing into the darkness, followed by HENSON, with KERMIT, leaving SHATNER behind. HENSON slips the stone back into place, and they leave the scene as though they had never been there.

CUT TO:

INT., THE OVAL OFFICE -- DAY.

ELLEN sits behind the President's desk, acting in BARON's stead until he returns. RORY and GIGI are on hotlines to the world's capitols and brothels, trying to locate BARON and FURIOUS D.

ELLEN
Moscow?

RORY
Nyet.

ELLEN
Berlin?

GIGI
Nein.

ELLEN
Amsterdam?

RORY
Do you have any idea how many brothels there are in Amsterdam? That's not even counting the Window Dancers.

ELLEN
Well, Jesus Christ! Where can he be?

JESUS, played by Jim Caviezel, sticks his head in the door.

JESUS
Hell if I know.

Just then, the door bursts open, and JESUS is pushed out out the way by the entrance of PARIS HILTON-BARON. (And boy, is she pissed!)

PARIS
Okay, which one of you doody-heads is responsible for my being stranded on that desert island? I couldn't even find a Dolce & Gabbanna on that darn strip of nothing! Thank goodness that Professor had built an Internet cafe out of coconuts, palm leaves and seashells! I'll never get all the sand out of my coochie!

GIGI
Maybe you'll make your own pearl necklace.

ELLEN
I doubt if it's tight enough in there.

PARIS
You B-I (she pauses to think) C-H! I want to talk to my husband! Where is my King Daddy Stud Muffin?

RORY
I gotta write a press release.

He gets up and runs out of the room.

GIGI
Uh... Yeah... Ms. Vice President, this one's all yours.

She follows RORY down the hall, closing the door behind her.

PARIS
Well?

ELLEN
Crap.

CUT TO:

INT., A TUNNEL, SOMEWHERE BENEATH THE EARTH IN CHINA --NIGHT.

HENSON and KERMIT lead BARON and FURIOUS D through the dark passage. HENSON carries an oil lamp made out of a tin can to light their way.

BARON
So, how did you manage to dig this tunnel?

HENSON
Chop sticks.

KERMIT
And desperation. Come on, I've had this guy's hand up my ass for forty-odd years, and I do mean odd.

FURIOUS D
And you've been here ever since the reports that you died, Henson?

HENSON
Yep. And I couldn't leave until I had some help. We're going to need each other when we get to the end of this tunnel.

BARON
What's at the end?

HENSON
You'll see.

KERMIT
Yeah... The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back State-side, is pay a little visit on Piggy. Kermie's gonna get a little pork stank, if you know what I mean.

CUT TO:

INT., A HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE -- NIGHT.

GIGI and RORY are standing outside of the closed office doors, listening. There are occasional titters, whispers, and the sound of buzzing.

RORY
They've been in there for hours.

GIGI
Maybe the First Lady isn't taking it well.

JESUS, played by Jim Caviezel, stops by as he's walking down the hall.

JESUS
And maybe it's payback time for Ellen. :p

He continues on down the hall.

The doors to the Oval Office open, and PARIS and ELLEN emerge, both with disshevelled hair, wearing hastily tied bathrobes, and smoking cigarettes. PARIS is slipping a lube-shiney, rubber double dong into her Chanel handbag, and walks off down the hall. ELLEN has a far-away expression on her face, and dreamy sound to her voice.

RORY
How's she taking it?

ELLEN
Oh... She took it all the way to- uh... She'll be fine... She'll... be... fine. Mmm...
(more)

ELLEN sighs deeply, and looks down the hall where PARIS just walked.

ELLEN
You know, she's not such a bad girl. She's just... Misunderstood.

GIGI takes RORY aside.

GIGI
Okay, this is bad. But I think I know what we have to do.

CUT TO:

BLACK.

TITLE UP:

Somewhere beneath the Pentagon...

PARIS
Hello? Is anybody here?

CHIROC
Allo! Oo eez eet?

PARIS
It's the First Lady, Paris Hilton-Baron.

CHIROC & NORIEGA
NO!!! Kill us!!! Please!!! You American bastards! No!!!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Ellen M.]

Night. The Baron (recently returned from China) & Ellen are in the back seat of a limo, speeding through the beltway, accompanied by a lone secret service agent.

Ellen: Where the hell are we going?

Baron: I don't know, I just got the call on the bat phone that we needed to be at a very important meeting.

Ellen: Dammit, these crisises are really starting to cut into my beauty sleep!

The car finally pulls up to a gated mansion,and is allowed to pass through. The heavy wooden front door swings open, as The Baron & Ellen exit the limo. They enter the house, and find themselves in a huge, circular hall. Naked
men and women wearing masks are everywhere.

Ellen: What in the blue fuck is this all about?

Baron:, Oh no, I was warned that something like this might happen.

Ellen: Something like what?

Baron: Years ago my brother Judex was de-programmed after joining a secret
society, and there was only one ritual he could recall.

Ellen: HELLO?...Earth to the President! What the hell are you talking about?

Baron: The Hieros Gamos!

Suddenly, Ellen & The Baron are surrounded by a group of naked men and women.
A man steps forward in a Klytus mask to address them...

Man: You have been summoned here for a very important purpose.

Baron: And what purpose is that?

Man: To have union with the goddess and save the world.

Ellen: Is this a joke?

Man: Silence! It is no joke. You must do as we say, or risk the fate of your nation.

Baron: Okay, we'll play along, but I have to be somewhere in an hour...

Man: Do not mock me! Now take off your clothes and approach the altar.

Ellen: You better do as he says, I don't think he's playing!

The Baron disrobes and approaches an altar in the center of the circular hall. A woman is lying there naked, upon heaps of red silk pillows. She has only a white, feathered mask on, and the Baron notices her ample bosom.

Man: You may begin!

Mysterious chanting starts, as masked, naked men and women fill the perimeter
of the room. As the Baron leans forward onto the pillows, the woman whispers to him...

Baron: Oh my god, it's you GiGi, how did you get here?

GiGi: It's a long story, just do it already & try not to spank me.

As the chanting grows louder Ellen looks up into the balcony and sees a shadowy figure,who bears a striking resemblance to Stanley Kubrick. She notices he's holding an AK-47 assault rifle, and it's aimed at Baron and GiGi.

Ellen: Baron, GiGi, LOOK OUT!

Gunshots ring out, chaos ensues, and there's smoke everywhere. The masked,
naked men and women all run screaming from the room, except for 4 male figures left standing as the smoke clears. They each remove their masks and reveal their true identities as Rory, Furious D, The Dude and Judex. The Baron and GiGi climb out from under the pillows with shocked looks on their faces.

Baron: You bastards! How could you do this to me?!

Judex: This was all part of my plan, brother. The others were just going
along with it, in the hopes that we'd divy up the social security funds, and gang bang Paris once we had you out of the way and I took over as President.

Ellen: You sonofabitch! I'll kill you myself!

Furious D leaps in front of Ellen to block her powerful karate kicks. The Dude assists in subduing her. Ellen begins to sob, and slumps to the floor.

Judex: Yeah, that's right, you thought you were so smart by hiding out in China with Jim
Henson and that evil little green puppet of his, but now the tables have turned!

Baron: How could you betray me like this? You're my brother for Christ's sake!

Judex: Christ has nothing to do with it. He's not even coming back after that ass whupping he got the first time around!

Jim Caviezel pokes his head into the room and observes the scene.

As Ellen lays sobbing on the floor, and Baron and Judex argue, Rory has quietly moved behind Judex. A single shot rings out, and Judex falls to the floor right next to
Ellen, a pool of blood spreading out across the marble.

Ellen: Noooooooooooo!

GiGi: Holy crap!

Furious D: Whoa!

The Dude: Shite!

Jim Caviezel: Jee-zus!

Baron: Rory... oh man, you killed my brother, but I owe you my life! And I think you just saved the free world!

Rory: Just doing my job, Mister President!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[GiGi]

Damn!!!!!!!!! The axe is swangin' all over the place! Is it contract time again? hehehe

judex, better get a new agent, they evidently aren't blowing the right person for you ;)

[Furious D]

INT. CAVERN UNDER CHINA --DAY
There's some last bit of digging and the escape tunnel opens into a large spacious cavern. Baron, Furious D, Kermit and Henson crawl out.

BARON
I feel fresh air. There's a way out of here.

KERMIT
Don't count on it.

CARRADINE (OS)
None shall pass!

They turn around to see DAVID CARRADINE dressed as the monk from Kung Fu standing at the way out.

EVERYONE
David Carradine!

CARRADINE
Call me Bill. None shall leave this cavern until they pass the test.

FURIOUS D
What's he doing here? He's not even Chinese.

BARON
What test?

CARRADINE
First you must snatch this pebble from my hand, then you may leave.

FURIOUS D
I'll handle this one Mr. President.

Furious D walks up to Carradine who is holding a single pebble in the palm of his hand.

Furious D delivers a swift kick in the nads to Carradine, followed by a headbutt. Carradine goes down, but not before Furious D grabs him in a painful wristlock and wedges his boot in Carradine's neck.

FURIOUS D
How am I doing?

CARRADINE
Take the fucking pebble! Take the fucking pebble!

Furious D takes the pebble.

FURIOUS D
We'll be going now. But remember this. You may be a master of Kung Fu. But I'm the supreme master of Fuk-Yu, the ancient Scottish martial art spoken of only in legend and old Mike Meyers comedies.

The guys leave the cavern and a bleeding Carradine sprawled on the floor.

KERMIT
It's like the say, once you go Piggy...

BARON
Shut up Kermit.

CUT TO:

INT. RORY'S OFFICE --DAY
Rory's sitting at his desk reading a book titled ANCIENT GREEK FOR COMPLETE DUMMIES. GiGi's sitting on a couch tossing treats to Chompy.

RORY
Why are you hiding in my office?

GIGI
After that whole Paris Hilton incident Ellen had a really freaky dream sequence where characters were getting knocked off left and right, so I've decided to lay low where nothing interesting happens. How are you doing with that book?

RORY
It's all Greek to me.

There's a knock on his door.

RORY
Come in.

In walks ANGELINA JOLIE pushing a baby stroller containing her baby son KWAN JOLIE.

JOLIE
It's been a long time Rory.

RORY
Angelina! My ex-wife!

GIGI
Your ex-wife!

JOLIE
I need you keep an eye on little Kwan for the weekend. I have to reshoot some scenes with Colin Farrell and I don't want him around all that second hand smoke and liquor fumes.

KWAN
Yeah, last time I took one whiff of him and was sloshed for a week.

RORY
Why me?

JOLIE
Kwan asked for you personally. I gotta run. (to Kwan) I'll be back monday to pick you up. Are you sure you'll be okay?

Kwan speaks with a gruff American accent you don't expect to hear from an infant.

KWAN
I'll be fine. Just think of the overtime charges and my tuition at Yale. Now go.

Jolie leaves.

GIGI
When were you married to Angelina Jolie?

RORY
It lasted one magical booze-addled trip to the Sundance Festival. She left me for Billy Bob Thornton.

KWAN
Burn! God that must have been humiliating.

RORY
Let's change the subject. Why did you ask for me Kwan. Is it that you feel a strong father-son bonding with me?

A cell-phone in Kwan's stroller starts ringing.

KWAN
Actually you get the best the cell-phone reception. (answers phone) Hello Kwan Jolie here. (pause) What? Don't piss in my ear and say it's raining pal. My mother won't fart in your direction for anything less than ten million. (pause, listens) Okay. Send me the check and I'll see that she has chili for lunch, but I'm not making any promises. Think of it as an option deal. (hangs up) Why are all the pervs working for Disney?

GIGI
Isn't he cute?

CUT TO:

EXT. HONG KONG STREET --NIGHT
Baron, Furious D, Kermit and Henson emerge from under a manhole and see that they're in a busy street in Hong Kong.

BARON
We made it all the way to Hong Kong. Great!

FURIOUS D
Now we can call for help.

BARON
Wait a minute. Why didn't you just telepathically summon some of your clones to come rescue us?

FURIOUS D
I didn't want to bother them while they're on vacation.

HENSON
Look out. It's the cops.

Some CHINESE POLICEMEN round the corner.

KERMIT
Let's get the fuck out of here!

BARON
Let's go into that Seedy Bar.

Baron, Furious D, Kermit and Henson run into a rundown building with a neon sign that reads: SEEDY BAR. But as soon as they're inside an apastrophe and an 'S' light up showing that it's really SEEDY'S BAR.

CUT TO:

INT. SEEDY'S BAR --NIGHT
Baron, Furious D, Henson, and Kermit saunter up to the bar. Only Baron and Furious note that clientele are dressed in leather and bondage gear.

BARON
This looks like my kind of place.

FURIOUS D
Don't be so eager. Look at the bartender.

The bartender is SEEDY EDGEWICK.

BARON
It's Seedy Edgewick, noted international purveyor of perversion.

KERMIT
Who cares, I'm thirsty.

SEEDY
What'll you have?

They all read a menu posted on a sign behind the bar.

HENSON
I think I'll try that Donkey Punch.

SEEDY
One Donkey Punch coming up.

Seedy snaps his fingers and two Leather Clad Pervs grab Henson and Kermit and drag him away.

KERMIT
Save me! Save me!

HENSON
All I wanted was some of that Donkey Punch.

BARON
Let's get out of here.

SEEDY
No one escapes Seedy's den of inequity. Bwah-hah-hah!

TO BE CONTINUED:

[GiGi]

Oh no! You played the "Dallas" card! LOL

Bobby's been a dreamin'

[Furious D]

This was one of those strange incidents where we were both submitting episodes at the same time. Whoops. So I tossed in the dream sequence to try to maintain some continuity.

Although I am curious that I'm naked, doing kung fu, and carrying a gun in Ellen's episode. As Freud would say very interesting...;)

[GiGi]

I have to still wonder what you people are smoking hehehehehehehehhe! :) Wacky terbacky anyone?:D

[Ellen M.]

I actually wrote mine last night, but couldn't access the forum, for some reason. Today, I'm just running on fumes, due to a lack of sleep & sufficient coffee. Sorry D, looks like my episode was a little too "out there"...ahhh well!

Wonder if the Baron's found Joel Schumacher's ass weasel yet?...

Ellen ;)

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
I actually wrote mine last night, but couldn't access the forum, for some reason. Ellen ;)

I had that same problem last night accessing the forum. As for our little continuity problem these things happen during chain scripts. And don't be affraid to be too 'out there' that's what my dream sequence cover-ups are for. :D

I hope you like how I included our favourite degenerate Seedy into the plotline. See what you can do with what I've just thrown into the mix. With a lot of hard work and practise you might someday be as good as me. :rolleyes:

Now about your fantasies of seeing me naked?;)

[Ellen M.]

D,
Love ya, but you need to get over your bad, Canadian self!...And I can SEE you typing one-handed! Don't you know it caused hairy palms & blindness?...I kid, I kid!

"Help me Seedy-wan, you're my only hope!"

Ellen ;)

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
D,
And I can SEE you typing one-handed!
Ellen ;)

Of course you can, you think I didn't know that you're a subscriber to my web-cam site:Furious D-Lites.com. ;)

Now let's see if Baron and Furious can escape Seedy's seamy clutches.

:D

[GiGi]

That's ONE way to raise money for an indy film...

[Seedy Edgewick]

INT. SEEDY'S BAR -- NIGHT

BARON
That's it. We're outta here.

SEEDY
Not so fast. [snaps his fingers] Sanchez!

A Mexican whose size is only exceeded by the amount of filth covering him appears.

SANCHEZ
Si?

SEEDY
These two haven't met their minimum. See to it that they do.

SANCHEZ
Si.

BARON
Minimum? Son, I'll drink you under the table!

SEEDY
Who said anything about drinks?

FURIOUS
I'm suddenly feeling exposed....

BARON
Don't worry. I've gotten out of tougher scrapes than this.

FURIOUS
Like what?

BARON
Remember Paris' "philospher" phase?

FURIOUS
Is that when she was trying to think?

BARON
Yup.

FURIOUS shudders.

BARON
Sanchez!

SANCHEZ
Si.

BARON
What minimum?

SANCHEZ points to a sign behind the bar that reads No One Is Allowed To Leave Without at Least One of the Following: Chili Dog, Cleveland Steamer, Dog in a Bathtub, Blumpkin, Shocker, Purple Mushroom, Fish Eye, Hot Carl

FURIOUS
Dog in a Bathtub?

SEEDY
Is that your final answer?

FURIOUS
NO!! I don't even know what that is.

SEEDY
I can answer your question, if you want.

FURIOUS
Umm...okay, fine. What's a Dog in a Bathtub?

SEEDY
Sanchez!

SANCHEZ
Si!

SANCHEZ grabs FURIOUS in a headlock and bends him in half. SEEDY comes out from behind the bar. He wears nothing but leather chaps and a codpiece. No, wait, now it's just the chaps.

FURIOUS
What are you doing??

SEEDY
Answering your question.

FURIOUS
But, you could just TELL me!

BARON
Furious, quit whining. Just relax and think of England.

FURIOUS
England? What does -- OH MY GOD!!

SEEDY has successfully inserted his balls into FURIOUS' rectum. However, they refuse to stay put, and keeping them in place is like keeping a dog in a bathtub.

SEEDY
Get it, now?

BARON
Eww.

FURIOUS
(sobbing) All I wanted was a vacation...

SEEDY
You're next, Mr. President.

BARON
Okay, fine. I'm kinda hungry. I'll take a Chili Dog.

SEEDY chuckles.

SEEDY
Sanchez!

SANCHEZ
Si?

SEEDY
Take President Baron to the Hot Dog Cart.

SANCHEZ
Si.

SANCHEZ and BARON exit through a dimly-lit doorway into the shadowy recesses of the bar.

FURIOUS
Okay, now that Baron's gone, where is he?

SEEDY
Who?

FURIOUS
You know who. Your...benefactor.

SEEDY
Ah. He would be in the Romper Room.

FURIOUS
Good. Don't let the Baron leave without me.

FURIOUS exits.

INT. BACK ROOM

SANCHEZ and BARON enter a dank root cellar beneath the bar. Above their heads, the thumping and grinding of the perverted bar patrons continues.

BARON
Sanchez?

SANCHEZ
(in a swishy California accent) Before you start, there's something I must do.

SANCHEZ deftly brushes BARON's hair back and to the left, creating a stylish yet masculine coif. He produces a hand mirror from behind his back and shows BARON his new 'do.

BARON
Not bad.

SANCHEZ
You have no idea how much that awful hair was bugging me. Someone needs to meet Mr. Pommade!

BARON
(still admiring himself) Yeah, you know what you're doing. You should be on TV.

SANCHEZ
Fuck you!!

SANCHEZ stomps into the corner and begins pouting vigorously.

BARON
What'd I say?

SANCHEZ
Well, I guess I can't blame you. I was supposed to be the sixth member of Queer Eye, but that blond bitch had it in for me.

BARON
I see. You know, if you help us out of here, I can get you back on that show. And I'll have that bitch arrested as a terrorist.

SANCHEZ
You will?

BARON
Sure! What good is a law like that if you can't abuse it?

INT. ROMPER ROOM

FURIOUS sits in a small alcove dressed as Wendy from "Peter Pan."

FURIOUS
The things I do for my own advancement...

A door across the room opens and MICHAEL JACKSON enters dressed as Peter Pan.

MICHAEL
Furious D, what can a humble singer like myself do to ... uh, for you?

FURIOUS
This has gotten out of hand. Do you have any idea how many tangents this script has taken?

MICHAEL
Is that like taking a bath with young boys?

FURIOUS
No! Think of it this way: First you're sleeping with a young white boy, then you're sleeping with a young black boy, then you're sleeping with a young Asian boy. It just doesn't make any sense!

MICHAEL
Who comes after the Asian boy?

FURIOUS
Would you stop it? We need to get some coherency in this script.

MICHAEL
And some young boys!

FURIOUS
If you don't stop, I going to make sure the next set of charges stick.

MICHAEL goes even paler.

FURIOUS
I thought that would get your attention. Now, I'm going to need your keys....

TO BE CONTINUED

[Ellen M.]

And I got shit for my episode?
OY!

Ellen ;)

[El Duderino Diablo]

Wow. And to think D. threw a hissy fit after my contribution. This ought to be fun to watch. ;)

[The Baron]

It must be a miracle! Where's Jeebus? How does a guy with a shaved head get his hair to do that?

But never fear! I'll get us out of this sticky situation, Furious. (And I promise not to tell anyone that you had some guy's balls up your ass...)

[Furious D]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
And I got shit for my episode?
OY!
Ellen ;)

Who gave you shit for your episode? It wasn't me. I was just trying to make things mesh after we ended up submitting at the same time. Excuse me for living. :p

One thing I've learned from this experience though is never turn your back on Seedy Edgewick. He's one sick puppy.

Jeez, everybody's having preeverted ideas in dere li'l heads about me. I really am too sexy. :eek:

PS: Dude loves Gordon Campbell.

Now we're gonna see a real hissy fit.

[Ellen M.]

Nah D, it wasn't you... you were too busy with that dog in the bathtub... Eeww, eeww, eeww, eeww!

This is all my fault... I'm the one who summoned "Seedy-wan", but I forgot what a freakin' degenerate he really is (that cute, little doggy pic'll fool ya every time)!

Here's me going into my "dark place" in the corner...

Ms. VP

[The Baron]

Come on, Ellen*... You got your payback, as promised. Now, let's see some more episodes out of you. That was a great start.



*Not meant in that way, Seedy!

[Ellen M.]

How could I possibly dig us all out of the Seedy hole?... No, I htink I'll leave it to you boyz... the professional script writers... I just dabble (and no, that doesn't involve Paris Hilton, GiGi, or batteries!)...

Ms. VP

[The Baron]

ENOUGH WITH THE BANTER, PEOPLE!

Get writing! Furious and I need to get out of this "Seedy" company, and back to Washington...

[Furious D]

Dude, everybody in Canada's got a story about being screwed over by their government.

I've been told god knows how many times that I wasn't going to get the job/grant/loan/internship if I didn't deliver an endorsement from someone in the Federal Liberal Party. And since I'm not a millionaire who donates big at the fundraisers, that ain't gonna happen.

Being from out east, where getting screwed is a way of life we've learned to laugh about it, because if we don't all we'll do is scream.

A little political teasing is one thing, at least I didn't have your character fucking himself and speaking in a culturally inappropriate accent.:p

[Seedy Edgewick]

Originally posted by Ellen M.
How could I possibly dig us all out of the Seedy hole?

Why would you want out of the Seedy hole?

[Ellen M.]

YEAH!... What Baron said!...Now get back to work!... We're not paying you to chat!...

Ms. VP

[Furious D]

SOMEBODY HAD TO DO IT! I'm also starting a TALK ABOUT NTWW thread.

INT. SEEDY'S BAR --DAY
Seedy's at the bar with one hand down his pants and one hand holding a copy of Animal Husbandry Quarterly. He's singing along to that crappy old Bloodhound Gang song.

The door explodes open.

SEEDY
Who's that?

It's several hundred Furious D's led by Furious D Prime. They're all dressed for war.

FURIOUS D PRIME
All right you scrofulent li'l pervert. Are you the one who ruined my vacation and forced me to revive the tired old clone gag?

SEEDY
Maybe.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Close enough.

Furious D pulls out a .44 Magnum revolver and promptly shoves it into Seedy's mouth.

FURIOUS D PRIME
I want my clone number 665 and the President of the USA delivered to me post haste.

SEEDY
(muffled from the gun barrel) Wappa hooma loooo.

FURIOUS D PRIME
I'm not in the mood. You made me leave in the middle of a date with Tyra Banks's clone. Nobody leaves Tyra's clone you sumbitch!

SEEDY
(still muffled by gun barrel) Walp dis vay...

Seedy starts to carefully walk to the door with the gun barrel in his mouth.

FURIOUS D PRIME
If I walked that way I wouldn't be worried about having my clone in this place.

All the Furious D Clones laugh with that one.

FURIOUS D PRIME
I'll free the President. You guys trash this dump. I wonder what's happening back on my island?

CUT TO:

EXT. CLONE ISLAND BEACH --DAY
Dude wakes up on the beach surrounded by a bevy of cloned Supermodels.

DUDE
So, you're all supermodel clones, eh?

They all nod.

DUDE
God, don't let this be a dream. I'm the only man here, so I guess that can only mean one thing.

The Supermodel Clones all nod again.

SUPERMODEL CLONE #1
Hey girls, let's go read some Sappho.

The models then walk off in pairs, hand in hand and giggling.

DUDE
Crap and I don't have my video camera.

CUT TO:

INT. BACK ROOM --DAY
The door bursts open and in walks Furious D Prime still leading Seedy by the gun barrel.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Furious D Prime, at your service Mr. President.

BARON
Good thing you got here. I think I was going to have to buy Sanchez here dinner.

FURIOUS D PRIME
I'll take care of that.

SANCHEZ
What's going on?

FURIOUS D PRIME
Just the usual incoherent shit you find on this show.

Furious D Prime spins Seedy around so that his back is towards Sanchez. He then pulls the trigger. BOOM! The magnum bullet goes right through Seedy's head and into Sanchez. Both fall dead in a panoply of blood and guts.

BARON
Let's get everybody out of here.

Furious D Prime takes out a walkie talkie.

FURIOUS D PRIME
(into radio)No witnesses and no evidence.

CUT TO:

EXT. HONG KONG STREET --DAY
Furious D 665 and Henson/Kermit are being loaded into ambulances. In the background the bar is on fire and we can hear screams and gunshots coming from inside.

Baron and Furious D Prime come out.

BARON
And to think. I thought that D was the Prime one.

FURIOUS D PRIME
Only when it's convenient for the writer Mr. President. Air Force 1 is waiting for us at Kowloon airport. Things are getting strange back in Washington.

BARON
When are they normal?

INT OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Ellen sits at the desk. Rory, GiGi, Judex and Kwan Jolie are all in the office with her. Kwan's on his cell phone.

ELLEN
Now that I'm in charge there'll be some changes. Judex, your brother's gone, why are you still here?

JUDEX
In his absence I officially become your wastrel brother.

GIGI
It's in the constitution Ma'am.

ELLEN
Really, okay. (pointing to Kwan) Who's the baby, and what's he doing here?

RORY
Kwan's my sort-of adopted stepson with my ex-wife Angelina Jolie.

KWAN
(on phone) Tomb Raider 3? Are you nuts? Only for 2 things. Twenty million in cash and a decent script. (to Ellen) Pleased to meet you Ellen.

ELLEN
When were you married to Angelina Jolie?

RORY
My memory's fuzzy on the details, but I do recall that it was the night I discovered Jello shots.

Ellen's phone rings, she answers it.

ELLEN
Hello. Yes. (pause) Okay. That's great news. (hangs up) Shit! Baron's coming back, and he's bringing Jim Henson and those crazy clones.

JUDEX
So I'm gonna be his brother again. Paris Hilton here I come.

ELLEN
Yes, you can go see Paris... See to it Rory.

RORY
Come on Kwan, we're going to show Uncle Judex what the Pentagon's basement looks like.

KWAN
We better make it quick, I'm expecting a call from Warner Bros.

CUT TO:

INT. DINGY BACK ALLEY --NIGHT
Michael Jackson, a little singed around the edges runs into the alley and hides behind a trash can.

JACKSON
I don't believe I escaped that.

COURTNEY
Who da fuck are you?

Jackson turns around to see COURTNEY LOVE.

JACKSON
I'm hiding from the President and his army of handsome clones who are the object of everybody's desire.

COURTNEY
Are you talking about President Baron? That bastard used to tip me at the Clown Room with pennies. How can you hold fuckin' pennies in a fuckin g-string.

JACKSON
I have to go where no one is looking for me.

COURTNEY
How about a store that's selling your latest album?

JACKSON
Very funny. They killed Seedy, my one true adult love.

COURTNEY
Yeah, and they had my husband Kurt whacked and then made everybody blame me.

JACKSON
Why?

COURTNEY
The label thought it would be best for his career. Say, how about we join forces for revenge?

JACKSON
Sounds like a plan.

COURTNEY
Wanna see my boobs?

JACKSON
No, thank you.

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT: AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

BARON, FURIOUS D-PRIME, FURIOUS D-665, and JIM HENSON (with the KERMIT sock puppet) are seated in the comfort of Air Force One. A smouldering five-port hookah stands in the middle of them, and the men relax after their harrowing journey. 665 and HENSON are seated on inflatable doughnuts, like those used by serious hemmoroid sufferers.

BARON
So now, let's just mellow out, put the past behind us - Oh, sorry Henson, 665... I didn't mean to bring up what happened to you back at Seedy's.

KERMIT
Yeah, well, now you know how I've felt all these years, Henson.

HENSON tears the sock puppet off his hand and throws it down on the floor.

HENSON
You know what?!? Fuck you, frog! I've had to listen to your shit for most of my life, you whiney little bastard! Oh, like you're the shit! Like I can't get on without you, Mr. Muppet!
(more)

HENSON pauses, looks at the sock, picks it up and puts it back on his hand. He pets the sock as he speaks soothingly to it.

HENSON
I'm sorry, Kermie. I don't know what came over me.

KERMIT
Yeah, well... Check your shit, Henson. That happens again, I'll see your sorry ass in court.

FURIOUS D-PRIME
I think what the President was trying to tell you boys, is to chill your shit out, and enjoy.
(more)

FURIOUS D-PRIME hands a hose to Henson, and puts one in the mouth of the sock puppet.

FURIOUS D-PRIME
This is the best hash money can buy... Cannibis Cup winner. It's called "Isolator" for a reason.

They all draw long hits from the hookah, and exhale.

MUSIC UP: MAGIC CARPET RIDE by Steppenwolf.

CUT TO:

EXT., AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING -- DAY.

CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

The cabin is a giant fog bank. All we can see is smoke.

BARON
Yo! Someone needs to switch on the vent. Captain, where are we?

The CAPTAIN's voice comes over the intercom.

CAPTAIN (OS)
We're presently over Salt Lake City, Mr. President.

BARON
Cool. Hit the exhaust fan. Let's share the love with the Mormons.

The sound of a fan is heard kicking in, and the smoke begins to clear from the cabin.

CUT TO:

EXT., EST. SHOT: SALT LAKE CITY -- DAY.

A bluish blanket of hashish smoke descends upon the city. As it settles, we hear car horns, the sounds of collisions, laughter, etc.

CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

FURIOUS D-665
Fo' shizzle, my nizzle! My ass don't even make no never mind no mo'.

BARON and FURIOUS D-PRIME smile, then start laughing uncontrollably.

FURIOUS D-PRIME
Hey, Baron... Your eyes are fuckin' slits, man! You sure we didn't pick up one of your guards by mistake?

BARON
If you did, you're in a world o' shit, D! Or is that D-P? Oh, no, wait, that's what Henson got! A "D-P"!!!

Everbody, including KERMIT but excluding HENSON, breaks into riotous laughter.

FURIOUS D-665
Hey, Baron, how's about breakin' out the snacks!

FURIOUS D-PRIME
What do we say?

ALL (save BARON)
Pleeeeeease?

BARON
Gots the munchies, huh? Okay, I know there's something around here...

CUT TO:

EXT., A SMALL PRIVATE JET -- MOVING -- DAY.

CUT TO:

INT., SMALL PRIVATE JET -- MOVING.

MICHAEL JACKSON is in the pilot's seat, with COURTNEY LOVE as co-pilot.

M.J.
I've got them in range.

COURTNEY
What are you waiting for? Shoot them!

M.J.
Not yet. I must wait for that perfect moment.

COURTNEY
Are you sure you don't wanna see my tits?

M.J.
I already saw my sister's breast. That was traumatic enough.

COURTNEY
When was the last time you were in bed with a woman?

M.J.
That's easy. When I was born.

CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

Everybody's sitting around with two-liter bottles of Code Red Mountain Dew, and bowls of a munchies concoction. Empty Cocoa Puffs boxes and cans of Reddi-Whip are strewn about the cabin.

HENSON
Who would have ever thought that Cocoa Puffs and whipped cream could be so good!

KERMIT raises his whipped-cream smeared mouth from the bowl.

KERMIT
Baron, you're a fuckin' genius! I worship you!

A red "alert" light begins to blink in the cabin.

FURIOUS D-665
Whoa! A light show!

BARON
Hang on, hang on. Chill for a minute.

CAPTAIN (OS)
Mr. President?

BARON
Yo.

CAPTAIN (OS)
We have an unidentified private jet following close behind us, sir. We're about to take evasive action, so you might want to strap down the hookah, sir.

BARON
Thank you, Captain.

FURIOUS D-665 and HENSON fasten their seat belts, while BARON and FURIOUS D-PRIME strap the hookah to the floor. They then strap themselves in, just in time for Air Force One to do a loop, backward and upside down. the jet rights itself, and the CAPTAIN makes an announcement.

CAPTAIN (OS)
Mr. President, Mr. Secretary, we are now following the small private jet that had appeared to be following us.

BARON
Yeah, and you spilled my fuckin' Mountain Dew, bitch.

CAPTAIN (OS)
Sorry, sir. Uh, sir... The pilot of the jet is requesting to speak to Secretary Furious D.

FURIOUS D-PRIME & 665
Put him through.

FURIOUS D-PRIME
I'll handle this one.

FURIOUS D-665
Okay. I'm too wasted to talk to anyone anyway.

BARON
He must be the "lightweight" clone.

M.J. (OS)
Furious D?

CUT TO:

INT., SMALL PRIVATE JET -- MOVING.

M.J.
This is Michael mutha-fuckin' Jackson! The mutha-fuckin' King of Pop! I remember you when you were just a sickly little Canadian kid. I sent you all of those plush toy animals. I even sent you a life-size, anatomically correct plush Michael Jackson doll!

CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

FURIOUS D-PRIME
(to Baron)
That was Furious D-34. He had a few kinks to work out.
(to M.J.)
What can I do for you, Michael?

M.J. (OS)
You can die for me, you ungrateful bitch!

CUT TO:

INT., SMALL PRIVATE JET -- MOVING.

M.J.
You took away the one man who knew how to do all the twisted shit I ever dreamed of. You killed Seedy, and now, I'm gonna kill you.

COURTNEY
Baron!

CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

COURTNEY (OS)
Baron? Do YOU wanna see my tits?

BARON
Oh, Jesus Fuckin' Christ! Uh, hi, Courtney... Uh, no. No, that's okay. Seen them more times than I can count.

CUT TO:

INT., SMALL PRIVATE JET -- MOVING.

COURTNEY
Baron, you cheap bastard! At Jumbo's, why did you always tip me in pennies?

BARON (OS)
I tipped you big, Courtney. I just liked the special way you used to pick up each penny.

COURTNEY
You mother fucker! If I ever get my hands on you...

CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

COURTNEY (OS)
... I'll tear your fuckin' eyes out! I'll-

Baron cuts off the com-link, then addresses the CAPTAIN.

BARON
Captain?

CAPTAIN (OS)
Yes, sir?

BARON
Just to confirm, we are over the United States, are we not?

CAPTAIN (OS)
Yes, sir.

BARON
Thank you. Blast them out of my sky, please.

CUT TO:

EXT., AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING -- DAY.

Two rockets flare and shoot out from under the wings of the Presidential jet.

CUT TO:

INT., SMALL PRIVATE JET -- MOVING.

The two occupants of the jet see the rockets coming, and hit their ejection buttons.

M.J.
Eject now, bitch!

CUT TO:

EXT., SMALL PRIVATE JET -- MOVING -- DAY.

Two pods eject from the jet's cockpit seconds before both rockets impact, blowing the small aircraft to firey bits. As we pan down, we see the two parachutes open, drifting to earth.


CUT TO:

INT., PASSENGER COMPARTMENT, AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING.

BARON
Now... Where were we?
(more)

FURIOUS D-PRIME places another chunk of hash into the bowl of the hookah.

BARON
Aw, yeah, boyee!

CUT TO:

EXT., AIR FORCE ONE -- MOVING -- DAY.

MUSIC UP: TURN THIS MUTHA OUT by The P-Funk All-Stars.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

EXT. DUNG HEAP --DAY
A dung heap sits in the middle of a Utah field. Flies buzz around it, enjoying its shitty goodness.

There's an unseen explosion in the distant sky above. Then we hear two people screaming it gets louder and louder...

PLOP!

Michael Jackson and Courtney love land hard in the shit.

COURTNEY
Isn't this lovely, I'm back in the shit again. Great idea Jacko where'd you get those damn parachutes?

Michael reads the label.

MICHAEL
Tito got them for me as a Christmas gift. (reads lable) Made in America. Yuck!

A MORMON FARMER approaches.

MORMON FARMER
Why art thou two sinners soiling thy dungheap?

COURTNEY
Why are you talking like a freaking Amish?

MORMON FARMER
It gives me something to do. It's a hobby all right.

COURTNEY
Wanna see my boobs?

Courtney lifts her shirt and flashes the Mormon Farmer.

MORMON FARMER
Thy hath believe that thy bosoms are sinful and they hath each resemble a navel orange in a stretched out condom.

MICHAEL
Let's get out of here. The doctors said I'm not allowed to smell anything through my nose.

CUT TO:

EXT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
ELLEN, RORY and CHRISTOPHER WALKEN are sitting at the presidential desk. A revolver sits in the middle of the desk. They're all dressed the way Walken was in THE DEER HUNTER.

Kwan Jolie is in his baby stroller talking on his cell phone.

RORY
Diddy mow! Diddy mow!

Walken picks up the pistol and spins the cylinder.

KWAN
(to cell phone) So, I was talking to Steve down at Warners and I have to say that they made a very tempting offer...

Baron and Furious D stagger into the office followed by Jim Henson and Kermit. Smoke still lingers on them and they're giggling like Beavis and Butt-head, much to the chagrin of Rory, Ellen, and Kwan Jolie.

KWAN
(on cell phone) I'll have to get back to you Barry. The Pres just came in and boy is he shit-faced. We'll do lunch.

Kwan hangs up.

ELLEN
My god! What happened to you people?

BARON
I finally got that vacation I needed.

ELLEN
The Chinese government's pissed about something.

KERMIT
You said piss!

The Baron, Furious, Kermit and Henson start giggling like a pack of stoners.

RORY
What's that smell? It smells like Bill Clinton's rec-room.

BARON
Relax, you'll live longer.

There's a gunshot and Walken slumps over dead on the presidential desk.

ELLEN
Look Rory, I guess I owe you a Coke.

BARON
Why is Christopher Walken lying dead on my desk?

ELLEN
Long story, short attention span.

BARON
Fine. Who's the kid with the cell phone?

CUT TO:

INT. REDNECK BAR --NIGHT
Courtney and Michael are at the bar. Courtney's knocking back shooters while Michael's just staring at his beer.

COURTNEY
Drink up Jacko.

MICHAEL
I only imbibe Jesus Juice.

Courtney picks up a mike stand.

COURTNEY
I said drink up!

Michael, terrified, chugs down the beer. His already distorted faces contorts into a disgusted grimace.

MICHAEL
That must Jesus Piss!

COURTNEY
What do you expect, it's American beer. So, how many will it take before I start looking good?

MICHAEL
Six.

COURTNEY
Beers?

MICHAEL
Cases.

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT --NIGHT
Dr. Romero is hard at work on something we can't quite see. He's surrounded by all sorts of Frankentsteinish apparatus.

ROMERO
A little adjustment here and there and you're perfect! Now for a little juice!

Romero flicks a switch and electric sparks start flying everywhere.

ROMERO
It's alive! It's alive!

Romero steps back and we see STINKY the Quizno's Rodent, crudely patched together, but alive. Kinda.

TO BE CONTINUED.

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT., THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- DAY.

BARON and ELLEN are in conference regarding why the Beijing is up in arms, as FURIOUS D-665 plays with CHOMPY.

ELLEN
Let me try to wrap my head around this. You two took the UFO from Area 51, crash landed it in mainland China, where you were imprisoned in a McDonald's Happy Meal toy factory owned by Disney, and escaped with the help of Jim Henson and a green sock?

BARON
That pretty much sums it up. Oh, and Furious D-665 over there got a "dog in the bathtub" from an American expatriot in a Hong Kong fetish bar.

ELLEN
A what in the what?

FURIOUS D-665
Please don't ask.

ELLEN
Then you had Air Force One shoot down a private jet being flown by Michael Jackson and Courtney Love?

FURIOUS D-665
Over Utah.

BARON
Hey, it was us or them.

ELLEN
Aren't I about due for a little vacation?

At this precise moment, CONNER MacFURIOUS bursts through the door of ELLEN's office. He's dressed in full Scots attire, including kilt, and carries a Claymore broadsword.

BARON
Hey, Furious, what's with the get-up? Is ComiCon this weekend? I've got somebody's ass for you to kick while you're there.

MacFURIOUS
I'm Conner MacFurious of zee Clan MacFurious!

FURIOUS D-665 gets up to greet his "cousin."

FURIOUS D-665
Oh, you must be from an earlier genetic set.

MacFURIOUS
Zere can be only one!

MacFURIOUS raises the Claymore, and with a single stroke, lops off the head of FURIOUS D-665. Immediately thereafter, he projectile vomits onto ELLEN's desk.

ELLEN
Oh, for cryin' out loud!

MacFURIOUS
Silence, woman! Zat eez "Ze Sickening"!

BARON
No shit! Well, suck on this, bagpipe-breath!

BARON pulls out a Beretta .9 mm, and fires sixteen rounds into MacFURIOUS, who just stands there like nothing's happening.

ELLEN
The brain! Aim for the brain!

BARON
Wrong episode.
(to Mac FURIOUS)
So what's the deal, pal? You come in here, waste one of my advisor clones, puke on my Vice President's desk, and you don't even have the common courtesy to die when I unload enough lead to drop an army into your manky Scot's ass?

MacFURIOUS
I am Conner MacFurious of zee Clan MacFurious, and I am immortal, you silly American pig-dog.

BARON
Then what's with the fucked-up French accent?

MacFURIOUS
Oh, I zee 'ow eet eez! Christopher Lambert does a Scotsman wis zee French accent, and nobody says merde--
(more)

MacFURIOUS stops mid-sentence, and sniffs the air.

MacFURIOUS
Zere eez hanother one near.

BARON
How do you know?

MacFURIOUS
I smell 'is ass. Eet smells like... Melon.
(more)

FURIOUS D-PRIME enters the office and surveys the chaos. As he does, MacFURIOUS spins around with his sword.

MacFURIOUS
Zere can be only one!

FURIOUS D-PRIME swiftly nuts MacFURIOUS, who drops his sword and grabs his injured manhood, falling to the floor.

FURIOUS D-PRIME
And now, you have only one.

ELLEN
Blood, vomit... All I need now is for someone to urinate in here!
(more)

FURIOUS D-PRIME and BARON both unzip their flies.

ELLEN
NO!!! That's it! I'm taking a leave of absence. I can't take this crap any more.

FURIOUS D-PRIME
Where do you plan on going?

BARON
The West Coast is nice. It's warm, it's mellow.

ELLEN
Anywhere away from here.

BARON
Okay. But here's the deal: you have to travel incognito. It wouldn't do to have anyone know that the Veep is travelling without the Secret Service. You'll have to keep a low profile.

ELLEN
Alright. But I don't know anyone out in L.A.

BARON
Fair enough. Take GiGi with you. But when you find a place to stay, call in with your contact info. I have a couple of cousins out there that could help hook you up.

ELLEN
Cousins?

BARON
Yeah, my Dad's brother's kids. One is way cool, and a party animal. Bears a startling resemblence to me. The other one's got a stick up his ass, but he's usually at church most of the time. Tell you what... I'll drop a dime and have one of them meet you at the airport.

ELLEN
Uh... Thanks?

CUT TO:

INT., GIGI'S OFFICE -- DAY.

ELLEN walks in on GIGI giving a spanking to JIM HENSON. She's goaded on by KERMIT.

KERMIT
And this is for making me sing that stupid "Rainbow Connection" song! Do you know how many people thought I was gay because of that? Even Piggy started asking questions, you bastard!

ELLEN
GiGi!
(more)

GIGI looks up from HENSON's red rump.

ELLEN
Pack your bags, girlfriend! We're going to Hollywood!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT., LOS ANGELES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- DAY.

ELLEN and GIGI exit the baggage claim area. As they hit the sidewalk, they see a black stretch limo with a liveried DRIVER holding a sign reading "HELLEN & CHICHI". The girls address the DRIVER.

GIGI
Hellen and ChiChi! That's us!

The DRIVER opens the back door for them to get in.

DRIVER
Right this way, ladies. His Excellency awaits your pleasure.

GIGI
His Excellency?

SATAN, who bears an identical resemblence to BARON, pokes his head out of the back of the limo.

SATAN
That's right. But you can call me "Baby."

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. SATAN'S LIMO --DAY
Hellen and ChiChi get in.

SATAN
I'd like you all to meet my bro Jesus.

Jesus, waves.

JESUS
Hi gals.

CHICHI
You look just like Jim Caviezel!

JESUS
I hear that a lot.

Satan opens up a briefcase and takes out two manila envelopes.

SATAN
Here are your new identities. Ellen, for the duration of your stay in LA you will called Hellen Hottiepants.

HELLEN
Fitting.

SATAN
And GiGi is now ChiChi Rod-red-gweez.

CHICHI
Cool name.

SATAN
Hellen, since you wanted a break from politics, your new job is as a waitress in a bar and grill called Behind the Geen Door, it's owned by a friend of mine named Eddie Geen.

CHICHI
What am I?

SATAN
Since you've expressed interest in racking up a body count, Furious D got you a job as an assassin for a temp agency for killers called Inhuman Resources Inc.

CHICHI
Great! I've been meaning to try out my new gun collection.

HELLEN
I wonder how things are going in Washington without us?

CHICHI
Sounds like a segue...

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Dirty laundry and garbage covers the floor of the oval office. Baron sits at his desk, his suit & tie are a mess and his toupee is askew. He looks sort of dazed and confused.

Furious D comes in and looks in shock at the mess.

FURIOUS D
What the hell happened here?

BARON
Things kind of fell apart without Ellen and GiGi...

FURIOUS D
She's only been gone a couple of hours. Her plane just landed. Where did all this trash come from?

BARON
It just sort of appeared.

POOF!

A clump of dirty underwear and empty beercans and pizza boxes appear and fall on the floor.

BARON
See! I'm not crazy!

Furious D drags Baron across the desk and slaps him.

FURIOUS D
Pull yourself together man! We can't let the womenfolk know how bad things get without them! It'll give them all sorts of ideas and worse things like self esteem!

BARON
You're right... but what am I to do? Paris is gone... Ellen's on vacation and taken GiGi with her...

FURIOUS D
Let's go nuke somebody. It'll make you feel better.

BARON
Yeah...

CUT TO:

INT. BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR --EVENING
It's a pleasant looking neighbourhood pub & grill that normally wouldn't find in a city like LA. Satan is introducing Ellen and GiGi to EDDIE GEEN, who bears a striking resemblance to a certain Wisconsin farmer.

HELLEN
Pleased to meet you Mr. Geen.

GEEN
Call me Eddie.

CHICHI
It's a lovely place you've got here.

GEEN
Yes it is. But my true love is cooking and... sewing... yeah, that's the ticket... Can you start today Hellen? Our last waiter... disappeared... yeah... that's it... he just disappeared...

HELLEN
Sure. What's today's special?

GEEN
Long pork sandwiches. It's the specialty of the house.

Hellen puts on an apron and picks up an order pad.

HELLEN
Is it kosher?

GEEN
Depends on the long pork. Look, you've got a customer.

Hellen turns and sees the unseen customer. Her eyes narrow, and her normally pouty lips curl into a snarl.

HELLEN
You've got a lot of nerve to show your face here!

CAMERA PANS across the room to reveal that the customer is...

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

...FRANKENSTINKY! The reanimated, patchwork STINKY, with half of the brain of PARIS HILTON-BARON.

FRANKENSTINKY
Excuse me? Miss, I just wanted to order the long pork reuben, hold the thousand island dressing.

HELLEN
Oh! I beg your pardon. You just look like someone I used to know.

FRANKENSTINKY
Really? You seem terribly familiar, too. Have you ever done a reality t.v. show?

HELLEN
(hesitatingly)
Oh... No. No I haven't.

FRANKENSTINKY
My mistake. Oh, and Miss, is the long pork Kosher?

HELLEN
Let me check.
(shouting back to the kitchen)
Hey, Eddie... Is the long pork Kosher?

CUT TO:

INT., THE KITCHEN, BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- EVENING.

EDDIE lifts the apron of the dead waiter laying on the sideboard.

EDDIE
(to himself)
Well, he's circumcised.
(calls back to HELLEN)
Yeah, the rabbi approves.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING AREA, BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- EVENING.

HELLEN
You heard him.

FRANKENSTINKY
Excellent!

HELLEN
But there is cheese on it with the meat.

FRANKENSTINKY
That's okay. I belong to a Reconstructionist Synagogue.

HELLEN
How interesting. Well, we aim to please. Anything to drink?

FRANKENSTINKY
I'll have a double decaf latte, no foam.

HELLEN
You got it.

HELLEN begins to walk back to give EDDIE the order, when FRANKENSTINKY stops her.

FRANKENSTINKY
Hey, Honey, what's your name?

HELLEN
The name's Hellen, not Honey.

FRANKENSTINKY
Ooo... So forceful! I like that.

FRANKENSTINKY proceeds to lick himself.

HELLEN
Hey, hey, hey! None of that in here, pal.

FRANKENSTINKY (PARIS' VOICE)
Sorry. It's just that, when I see a pee-pee, I can't help myself.

HELLEN stares in amazement and shock. Her thoughts race.

HELLEN (VO)
I know that voice!

SATAN appears over HELLEN's left shoulder.

SATAN
I've got some things to attend to, but if you need anything... I mean anything, you just call me. Okay?

HELLEN
Will do.

SATAN
Will do what?

HELLEN
Will do... Baby.

SATAN
That's my Peach.

SATAN exits by way of the front door. Just then, JESUS appears over HELLEN's right shoulder.

JESUS
Be careful of my brother, Hellen. He has a way with words.

HELLEN
(looking out where SATAN has just left)
And a way with women, too. Woof. Don't worry Jeez, I won't do anything I don't want to do.

JESUS
*sigh* How many times have I heard that before?

SATAN sticks his head in the door, and calls to JESUS.

SATAN
Yo! Cockblocker! We're out of here.

JESUS
Yeah, yeah... I'm coming.

SATAN
That's what your followers have been saying for over two thousand years. Just don't cross me, little brother.

JESUS
Please don't say "cross".

CUT TO:

INT., THE LIMO -- NIGHT -- MOVING.

CHICHI and SATAN, in the back of the limo, JESUS, and the DRIVER in front, are rolling south-bound on the San Diego Freeway.

CHICHI
My first assignment! This is so kewl! I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you for introducing me at the agency, Baby.

SATAN is undressing CHICHI with his eyes.

SATAN
Don't worry. We'll think of something, tits- uh, ChiChi. Anyway, here's the weapon.

SATAN opens a briefcase, and from its contents assembles a high-powered rifle that looks like a light sabre.

SATAN
This will pass through Security with no problem. You've only got one shot, so make it count.

He opens a box, and hands CHICHI Jedi robes.

SATAN
We'll be at the Convention Center in 20 minutes, Once in the ComiCon, you'll need to get to the panel discussion before it starts. Go ahead and get out of your civies and into this costume now.

JESUS
Oh, for goodness sake! Give the girl some privacy!

SATAN
Okay.
(more)

SATAN pushes a button, and an opaque partition slides up between the front seat and the passenger compartment.

SATAN
Shall I avert my eyes?

SATAN places one hand over his eyes, and parts his fingers, smiling. CHICHI begins to undress to change into the costume. We know this because the grin of SATAN's face get larger.

CUT TO:

EXT., SAN DIEGO CONVENTION CENTER PARKING LOT -- NIGHT.

The limo rolls into the parking lot, which is filled with cars, vans, SUVs and tour busses. A few geeks dressed as sci-fi and comic book characters loiter in the lot. CHICHI hops out of the back of the limo, and SATAN calls after her.

SATAN
You remember what to do in case anything goes wrong?

CHICHI
Yes, Baby, I remember.

SATAN
One more time, for Baby?

CHICHI
If anything goes down twisted, all I have to do is say, "Gort Klaatu Barata Nikto," and you'll be there to T.C.B.

SATAN
Go get 'im, Tigress.

CHICHI heads off towards the main entrance.

JESUS gets out of the front of the car, and looks at his brother, sitting contentedly in the rear of the limo, having a drink.

JESUS
I've got a bad feeling about this.

SATAN
Hey... Do you wanna walk back to L.A. tonight?

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. CONVENTION FLOOR --NIGHT
The place is crawling with comic book geeks of every stripe dressed like their fave cartoon characters. Many make Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons look like Errol Flynn.

ChiChi comes in and her presence causes an awed hush because she's the only woman in the room.

FAT BATMAN
Look!

SCRAWNY SUPERMAN
It's a girl! A real live girl!

GEEKY CAPT. KIRK
I think my phaser went off...

CHICHI
Uh-oh. This is going to be tricky.

The Geeks surround her like a horde of zombies.

GEEKS
Girl... girl... girl...

FAT BATMAN
Her hair smells like shampoo.

GEEKS
(in unison)
Oooooohhhhh!

FAT BATMAN
Floral shampoo!

GEEKS
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!

CHICHI
I'm looking for a fellow named Tommy Tool.

The crowd parts revealing TOMMY TOOL. He's both incredibly thin, tall, and has a beer gut poking out from under his LION KING 1 1/2 T-Shirt.

TOOL
I'm Tommy Tool.

CHICHI
(to herself)
Time to use my feminine wiles.

ChiChi flips her hair flirtily.

CHICHI
I have to show you something... Alone...

Tool nervously swallows, his grapefruit sized adam's apple bobbing up his long scrawny neck.

TOOL
(faux smooth) Sure baby. I got my own booth. We can get to know each other better there.

CHICHI
Even murder for hire has an ugly side.

CUT TO:

INT. BENEATH THE PENTAGON --NIGHT
Judex sits in a cell with Chirac and Noriega.

CHIRAC
Sacre bleu! I don't believe it. The Dr. Romero actually took out a piece of her brain.

JUDEX
Over 60% of it.

NORIEGA
What I don't believe is that it actually made her smarter.

Paris Hilton comes into the shot.

PARIS
Come on guys I found a way out!

Paris points to another wall revealing a rickety old screen door leading to the outside.

JUDEX
Why do I feel ashamed right now?

NORIEGA
You're ashamed! I've been here for over ten years!

CHIRAC
Enough talk. Let's get out of here!

PARIS
Yes, now I can have my revenge for being put in this piss soaked hell hole!

CHIRAC
(offended) I am offended by that remark. We Frenchmen do not aim!

PARIS
I'll deal with you later Frog-sucker. But first I want my missing brain bits back and revenge AGAINST ELLEN!

Judex sheepishly raises his hand.

JUDEX
Why do you want it back? It was just dead meat.

PARIS
That part of my brain knows where my car keys are. Now let's go!

CUT TO:

INT. GEEN DOOR --NIGHT
Hellen's taking trays to different tables, and they're all filled with old fashioned VIKINGS.

HELLEN
Here are your beers. Now what will you have to eat?

VIKINGS
(in unison) Spam, spam, spam, spam....

GEEN
It's the same thing every Thursday.

FRANKENSTINKY
I want another beer Baby-doll!

VIKINGS
(in unison) Spam, spam, spam, spam....

HELLEN
What did you call me?

FRANKENSTINKY
Toots, chickie-baby, love-muffin...

Frankenstinky starts licking his crotch again.

HELLEN
Do you have to do that?

FRANKENSTINKY
It's a very important grooming ritual.

HELLEN
You're groomed enough, you're just having a party.

Hellen picks up Frankenstinky and stuffs it into a large mug.

HELLEN
Put this into the freezer Eddie. Maybe that'll cool it off.

FRANKENSTINKY (Paris's Voice)
You can't judge me! Not with those shoes!

VIKINGS
(in unison) Spam, spam, spam, spam....

Eddie takes the mug containing Frankenstinky to the freezer.

HELLEN
Great I'm trapped in an old Python sketch. I hope ChiChi's doing better.

CUT TO:

INT. TOOL'S CONVENTION BOOTH --NIGHT
It's basically a table covered with DVDs and tapes of all those crappy straight to video sequels Disney grinds out like bodily waste after a curry dinner.

TOOL
This is my sanctum sanctorium... my special secret headquarters...

Tool turns around to see that ChiChi's holding her saber/rifle right at his head.

TOOL
Hey, that's not in its original package.

CHICHI
Neither will your brains in a second.

BANG!

Tool's grey matter, about three ounces of it, splatter all over Tool's booth and his shrine to Michael Eisner.

ChiChi bolts for the door.

EXT. PARKING LOT --NIGHT
ChiChi comes out into the parking lot. But Satan's limo is long gone.

CHICHI
Gort! Klaatu, barada, nikto!

Nothing.

CHICHI
You sneaky little shitbird!

Police sirens grow closer.

CHICHI
Dammit!

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

SATAN (OS)
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

CHICHI spins around to find the limo parked right behind her, SATAN leaning casually on the rear passenger side fender, and the DRIVER holding the door open for her.

CHICHI
Huh? Wh- How di-?

SATAN
Honestly, ChiChi... I'm three seconds late. Did you really think I'd leave you hanging?

CHICHI
But-

SATAN
Don't just stand there. Get in. Do you want to get caught?

CHICHI jumps into the limo, followed by SATAN, and the DRIVER closes the door.

CUT TO:

INT., THE LIMO -- NIGHT -- MOVING.

SATAN, JESUS and CHICHI are seated in the back, as the sleek, black vehicle zooms through downtown San Diego, headed towards the north-bound 405 Freeway.

CHICHI
I don't understand. When I got outside, you were nowhere in sight.

SATAN
Oh, ye of little faith.

JESUS
Quit using my lines!

SATAN just rolls his eyes.

SATAN
Why, in Dad's Name, couldn't I have gotten Judex for a room mate instead of you? Brother or not, you're a whiney little bitch.

JESUS
Hey, I died for their sins-

SATAN
And all you got was that lousy tee-shirt. Shut up for five minutes while I take care of some business with ChiChi.

JESUS
But-

SATAN
(mockingly)
"Why don't the Jews accept me... why weren't Mom and Dad married... ow, these nails hurt." It's always something with you. Give it a rest, will ya?
(more)

SATAN produces a thick, #10 envelope from his inner breast pocket.

SATAN
(to CHICHI)
You wanted to get paid, right?

He opens the envelope, and shows CHICHI that it's full of hundred dollar bills. Her eyes light up.

CHICHI
Oh my Lord!

SATAN
Indeed I am. There's two thousand dollars here, in unmarked, non-sequencial bills. This geek you hit tonight wasn't an important mark, but the Agency needed to give you an easy one to start. The next job will be a little tougher, but it's a 10 K hit.

SATAN hands CHICHI the envelope, but doesn't let go.

SATAN
What do we say?

CHICHI
Thank you, Baby.

He relinquishes the cash to CHICHI, and pops the cork on a bottle of sparkling water.

SATAN
(to JESUS)
Care to do the honors?
(more)

JESUS passes his hand over the open bottle. SATAN then pours out three glasses of champagne from the bottle, hands one to CHICHI, one to JESUS, and raises one in his own hand.

SATAN
Here's to ChiChi, and a job well done.

They clink glasses.

JESUS
L'Chaiim.

They drink the champagne, and set the glasses down.

SATAN
Well, we've got about another hour to kill before we pick up Hellen. Why don't you come over here and give Baby a little sugar?

CHICHI climbs across JESUS into SATAN's lap.

JESUS
Ah, crap.

CUT TO:

EXT., THE LIMO -- NIGHT-- MOVING.

MUSIC UP: CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE by Barry White

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- NIGHT.

Vikings are passed out at all the tables, glutted on beer and Spam. HELLEN is just turning over the "Closed" sign as CHICHI, SATAN and JESUS walk in. CHICHI's hair and make-up are disshevelled, and her Jedi robes are barely holding together.

SATAN
How'd my little working girl do tonight, Eddie?

EDDIE GEEN comes out from the kitchen in a blood spattered apron, with a big smile on his face.

EDDIE
She's a piece of work, my man. Best damned waitress this place has ever had.

JESUS
So, you might let her li-
(more)

JESUS is cut short by an elbow in the ribs from SATAN.

JESUS
So, you think you'll keep her for a while?

EDDIE
Jesus Christ, yes! Hellen handled this crowd, and took no shit from anyone.

SATAN
You make me proud, Peach.

HELLEN
Why do you keep calling me "Peach"?

SATAN
(smiling)
You'll find out when we get home. So, you ready to leave?

HELLEN
I've gotta help Eddie clean up.

EDDIE
No, don't worry about it tonight. I'll take care of these guys. Yeah, sure... That's it... Take care of them.
(more)

EDDIE and SATAN exchange knowing smiles.

EDDIE
You go on home. Oh, what should I do with the little creep in the freezer?

HELLEN
Shit! I forgot about him. Eh... He should have cooled his jets by now. After we leave, send him on his way.

EDDIE
Okay. See you at 11 tomorrow morning, Hellen. Good night, everybody!

ALL
Good night, Eddie.

On the way out, HELLEN notices that CHICHI is a bit dazed, and has a silly grin on her face.

HELLEN
(to CHICHI)
What the hell happened to you?

CHICHI
(dazed and giggly)
I'm fine. How are you?

HELLEN, CHICHI, SATAN and JESUS exit, and EDDIE locks the door behind them. EDDIE walks over to a blackboard that reads "Today's Special". He erases "Back Ribs," and writes in it's place: "Swedish Meatballs."

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., THE WHITE HOUSE: THE OVAL OFFICE -- NIGHT.

Amidst a growing pile of garbage, BARON, FURIOUS D, and RORY are seated around the desk, smoking Cuban cigars and playing poker.

RORY
I'll raise you ten.

BARON
You bluffing mother fucker...

PARIS (OS)
Hello, boys.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

Baron, Furious D and Rory look up at Paris.

BARON
Paris! You came back to me! (to Rory and Furious) Okay, I'm back in the game. I'll raise you guys Paris.

RORY
I'm in for a nickel.

FURIOUS D
I'm out. I know where she's been.

PARIS
You're betting me in a poker game!

BARON
Face it baby, after Judex... (Baron shudders) ...Rory's put up a nickel for you.

RORY
I've got a lot of penicillin.

Judex pokes his head around the door.

JUDEX
I can hear you!

PARIS
That's it! I'm going to use my newfound brains to get revenge on all of you! Starting with my arch nemesis Ellen!

FURIOUS D
Good luck with that.

Paris storms out.

RORY
So, is she still in the game?

CUT TO:

EXT. POOLSIDE --MORNING
Hellen and ChiChi are sunning themselves by their apartment building's pool.

HELLEN
What were you up to with Satan last night?

CHICHI
Not much. He seemed all ready to go, then he yelled out, "I forgot my blue pill!" and started crying. Still, I did rack up my first kill last night.

HELLEN
The Vikings were rowdy, but they tipped me in gold.

CHICHI
I'm learning to like LA.

CAMERA PANS TO THE BUSHES

Hiding in the bushes are Michael Jackson and Courtney Love.

MICHAEL
Oh my. That's what girls look like? They're so perktacular.

COURTNEY
They're the key to our revenge. Besides, we haven't done anything in the last couple of episodes. Now's the time for action.

MICHAEL
What are you going to do?

COURTNEY
Watch and learn you freaky androgynous little mutant.

Courtney leaps from the bushes and lifts up her shirt in front of Hellen and ChiChi, then she runs away.

HELLEN
Did you see something?

CHICHI
Looked like a couple of grapefruits hanging in a pair of sweatsocks.

HELLEN
Me too. LA can get a little strange sometimes.

CUT TO:

INT. JUDEX'S CADDY --DAY
Judex is driving his old pink 57 Cadillac through the desert. Paris is in the passenger seat while Chirac and Noriega sleep in the back seat.

JUDEX
Okay, why are we going to LA?

PARIS
To find my missing brain chunk. I know it's somewhere there, I can sense it. Then I will have my revenge. But first we better find a place with a shower. Those two are getting pretty ripe.

Chirac hears this and wakes up.

CHIRAC
I am proud of my natural hearty French musk!

CUT TO:

EXT. POOLSIDE --DAY
Hellen's leaving for work. ChiChi's still sunning herself poolside.

HELLEN
I'm off to work.

CHICHI
I'll pop down later after my job.

Hellen leaves. Satan enters.

SATAN
The agency has a new job for you.

Satan takes out another manila envelope. ChiChi opens it and looks inside.

CHICHI
My god! It's...

CUT TO:

EXT. LA STREET --DAY
Hellen comes around the corner whistling a happy tune. A van driven by Micheal Jackson appears behind her but she doesn't notice it. The side door slides open and Courtney Love hangs out with a net and a tranquilizer gun.

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

COURTNEY looks at her target, then at the tranq gun, and in a moment of personal crisis, shoots herself with the dart.

COURTNEY
Oh my God! What a rush!

She falls backward into the van, and in her drug-crazed thrashing, tosses the net over M.J.

M.J.
Courtney! What you doin' girl?

The van carreens out of control, and straight through the front window of "REVEREND FARAKHAN'S HOUSE OF SWEET POTATO PIES". A crowd of ANGRY BLACK MEN, all wearing skinny bow ties and wire-rimmed glasses, converges on the van with shouts of "white devils" and drag M.J. and Courtney out of the wreckage.

Mean while, HELLEN, hails a cab, gets in, and sets off for another day at Behind the Geen Door.

CUT TO:

EXT., POOLSIDE -- DAY.

SATAN and CHICHI are discussing her contract for this evening

SATAN
Come on... you're in, you're out. No sweat. You can handle this.

CHICHI
I know, but... Michael Bay?

SATAN
Hey, I got three words for you: "Bad Boys Three."

CHICHI
What time does the party start?

SATAN
Nine o'clock. And if you can take out Joel Silver while you're there, there's a $20,000 bonus in it for you.

CHICHI
(looking inside the envelope)
And the blueprint of the house is here?

SATAN
Everything's there. Uh, by the way, what did you tell Hellen about last night?

CHICHI
I told her that you forgot your "little blue pill."

SATAN
And she believed you?

CHICHI
Who knows?

SATAN
Who cares?

They have a little laugh.

CHICHI
So, what were you and Hellen up talking about last night? She didn't come out to our guest house until almost dawn.

SATAN
Oh, nothing much. I was just showing her how juicy a peach could be. Gotta love the taste of a fresh peach.

CHICHI
You were discussing produce?

SATAN
Study your instructions. I've got to run down to Fox Television. O'Reilly wants to renegotiate his contract. Ciao, bella.

SATAN goes back into the house, leaving CHICHI to go over the plans for her evening's work and catch a few rays.

CUT TO:

INT. JUDEX'S CADDY -- DAY.

JUDEX is looking antsy, and starting to squirm in the driver's seat.

PARIS
What's wrong?

JUDEX
I've really got to pee.

PARIS
Well, pull over. There's a clump of bushes over there.

CUT TO:

EXT., A COUNTRY ROAD -- DAY.

The pink caddy pulls over to the side, and JUDEX hops out, unzipping as he makes his way behind the bushes.

JUDEX
AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

As JUDEX emits a blood-curdling scream of agony along with the stream of urine, the bushes burst into flame.

JUDEX
Fuck, woman! What kind of shit is this?

PARIS
(calling out from the car)
How should I know? My husband always had the good sense to use a condom with me!

JUDEX
Jesus! You've turned my dick into a flame thrower!

PARIS
(to herself)
Which gives me an idea...

CUT TO:

INT., BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- DAY.

HELLEN is just pouring a cup of coffee for the first customer of the day, when in walks FRANKENSTINKY.

FRANKENSTINKY
Hey, Sweetcheeks!

HELLEN
Oh, for fuck sake! Are you back again?

FRANKENSTINKY
I just can't get enough of the food here... Or watching you bend over behind the counter. You need to invest in some shorter skirts.

As HELLEN is reaching for a butcher knife, in walks...

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

...JOEL SCHUMACHER. Noted Hollywood director and tatoo afficianado.

JOEL
Hi everybody!

HELLEN & FRANKENSTINKY
Joel Schumacher!

JOEL
That's my name Squishy-buns, don't wear it out.

HELLEN
Did you just call me Squishy-buns?

JOEL
I wasn't talking to you.

Frankenstinky's eyes open wide.

FRANKENSTINKY
Oh, look at the time, I gotta get out of here.

Frankenstinky runs away.

JOEL
I'm looking to place a catering order. There's a meeting of H.A. tonight at Michael Bay's house.

HELLEN
H.A.?

JOEL
Hack's Anonymous. We need the long pork sandwich platter.

Hellen takes down the order.

HELLEN
Okay, but one thing.

JOEL
Yes?

POW! Hellen kicks Joel in the nads.

HELLEN
That's for what you did to Batman you bastard!

JOEL
(weakly) Happens all the time... ooooohhhh.... Deliver the sandwiches at 9:00PM to Michael Bay's house.

CUT TO:

EXT. MICHAEL BAY'S HOUSE --NIGHT
ChiChi, dressed like a commando climbs over the wall. She scans the area with nightvision goggles.

CHICHI
My god they're all here!

POV CHICHI'S GOGGLES
We see a green tinted image of BAY welcoming JERRY BRUCKHEIMER, JOEL SCHUMACHER, JOEL SILVER and MCG. A time code at the lower left hand corner of the screen shows that it's 8:57 PM.

CHICHI
I'm gonna need a lot more firepower if I'm gonna score that bonus.

BACK TO SCENE:

ChiChi opens a backpack and takes out a large wad of plastic explosives and a timer.

CHICHI
A perfect blockbuster! Bwah-hah-hah!

CHICHI creeps over to the house and plants the bomb next to the wall. She sets the timer to go off at 9:05 PM. Then ChiChi runs to the wall and expertly climbs over it.

CUT TO:

INT. BAY'S LIVING ROOM --NIGHT
The guys are all sitting around when the doorbell rings.

Bay answers it. It's Hellen carrying a platter of sandwiches.

HELLEN
Here are your sandwiches.

BAY
You're five minutes late...

HELLEN
My watch reads 9:00PM on the dot.

BAY
Mine reads...

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

BAY
... 9:00.37. Okay, so you're not five minutes late. Still, time is money, Honey. We're important men, so make with the sammiches.

CUT TO:

EXT. MICHAEL BAY'S HOUSE -- NIGHT.

CHICHI quickly wraps the bomb like a gift, then sneaks around to the rear of the house. Maneuvering between the phallic topiaries that surround Bay's swimming pool, she carefully slides open the glass patio doors.

CUT TO:

INT. BAY'S DEN -- NIGHT.

CHICHI slips in, and deposits the bomb on the buffet table. As she does so, MCG enters.

MCG
Hey. What are you doing?

CHICHI
Who? Me? Oh, this is a surprize gift for Michael.

MCG
Really? What is it?

CHICHI
If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprize.

MCG
Aw, come on. I won't tell.

CHICHI
Well, okay. It's a bomb.

MCG
Come on... Really.

CHICHI
He'll get a bang out of it. Hey, gotta go. Loved "Full Throttle".

CHICHI leaves, and closes the glass door behind her.

MCG
Well, at least someone did.

CUT TO:

EXT. MICHAEL BAY'S HOUSE -- NIGHT.

She then retraces her steps and takes an observatory position at a safe distance to watch the fireworks.

POV - CHICHI's NIGHTVISION GOGGLES:

She sees HELLEN arguing with BAY about the price of the sandwich basket.

CHICHI
Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Hellen, what are you doing here?
(more)

The timecode in the corner of the screen reads 9:03.46.

CHICHI
Ooooohhhh! Gort, Klaatu Barata Nickel!
(more)

Nothing happens. Time code reads 9:04.10 PM.

CHICHI
Where are you? Gort, Klaatu Barata Nixie!

Still nothing. Time code reads 9:04.27 PM.

CHICHI
Please, Baby! Hurry! Oh... Gort, Klaatu Barata Nicto!

SATAN
Problem?

CHICHI
Yes! Look!

SATAN
Oh, dear. Looks like someone screwed the pooch.

CHICHI
Where were you? We've got to get Hellen out of there.

SATAN
No time for that. Look at the corner of the screen.

SATAN points to the time code at the lower left hand corner of the screen shows that it's 9:04.49 PM.

CHICHI
What are we gonna do? There's enough C-4 in that package to blow the entire house off of the hilltop!

SATAN
This...

CUT TO:

INT. BAY'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT.

BAY finishes paying HELLEN for the sandwich delivery and closes the door.

SCHUMACHER
Michael, sweetie, when are those "Puppetry of the Penis" boys supposed to perform?

We see the deadbolt lock on the front door glow red, fusing the lock in its engaged position.

CUT TO:

INT. BAY'S DEN -- NIGHT.

The lock on the patio doors clicks into place, and fuses, just like the front door.

We can count down with the time code, as the contents of the box begins to expand, tearing through the gift wrap. It looks like what appears to be a filmy gray balloon. At exactly 9:00.00, the balloon begins to tear, and a big, hairy arachnoid leg emerges. The bomb is now an egg sack. As the sack tears, hundreds of huge, hairy spiders begin to overrun BAY's home.

CUT TO:

EXT. MICHAEL BAY'S HOUSE -- NIGHT.

CHICHI and SATAN meet HELLEN as she walks down the driveway to her delivery van.

HELLEN
What are you two doing here?

Before either of them can answer, the sound of shrill, high-pitched screams cuts the calm of the Hollywood Hills night air.

SATAN
Just looking after my little Peach.

HELLEN
What's with all that screaming?

SATAN
Maybe Eddie used too much mayo.

CUT TO:

EXT., THE BUSHES NEXT TO MICHAEL BAY'S DRIVEWAY -- NIGHT.

PARIS, JUDEX, NORIEGA & CHIRAC watch as HELLEN gets into the van, and SATAN and CHICHI get into the limo and drive away.

PARIS
What the fuck is that no-good husband of mine doing in L.A.?

JUDEX
That's not Baron. That's our cousin.

PARIS
Cousin, eh?

JUDEX
Yeah. Hey, listen, I really need to take a leak. I'm going to run up behind that house and tap a kidney.

NORIEGA
Hurry up. I want to get some dinner.

JUDEX
Five minutes.

JUDEX runs up behind BAY's house, and but his own screams drown out those from inside the house, as his bladder releases a column of flame.

CUT TO:

EXT., MICHAEL BAY'S HOUSE, MASTER SHOT -- NIGHT.

The house is now engulfed in flames.

CUT TO:

INT., BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- NIGHT.

SATAN, CHICHI and HELLEN are relaxing with EDDIE, when in walks...

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

...It's VITAMIN D, multi-billionaire alter-ego of Furious D. As he enters, resplendent in pants that are both fancy and sassy, all the ladies swoon and even the men have to catch their breath.

He doesn't so much walk towards them, as flow.

HELLEN
Furious, what are you doing here getting all of us all hot and bothered?

VITAMIN D
I'm not Furious D, I'm Vitamin D, world renowned billionaire, entertainer, and greatest sex symbol of all time.

CHICHI
And modest too, I like that.

VITAMIN D
What can I say? I'm so hot I make the core of the sun look like a Presbyterian's thighs.

EDDIE
I think I'm going to be sick, but I'm so lost in your eyes...

SATAN
Me too... and those pants... so fancy... so sassy.... I need some alone time...

EDDIE
Me too...

Eddie and Satan flee in separate directions.

HELLEN
What's up with them?

VITAMIN D
It's a common effect when someone as sexy as me enters a room, it makes people ask questions they're affraid to ask. I'm sorry to disappoint them, but I'm on this planet strictly for the ladies.

CHICHI
Aren't we lucky.

ChiChi ends the sentence with a girlish giggle.

VITAMIN D
How are you lovely ladies doing today?

CHICHI
I almost blew up Hellen and had to talk to McG.

HELLEN
I was almost blown up, and I had to talk to Michael Bay.

VITAMIN D
You poor ladies. What the Doctor of Love prescribes is a healthy dose of Vitamin D.

HELLEN
Let's start with dinner.

VITAMIN D
Anything for you earthbound angels. Let's say The Ivy? We can watch Cameron Diaz binge and purge.

CHICHI
Sounds like fun.

VITAMIN D
My car's outside. How do you girls feel about a Hummer?

Hellen slaps him.

VITAMIN D
I drive a Humvee.

HELLEN
Oh, sorry.

CHICHI
Maybe we should check in with the White House. It's been a long time since we heard how Baron and the boys are doing.

HELLEN
Another seque...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALL OUTSIDE OVAL OFFICE --NIGHT
Furious D and Rory are knocking on the door.

FURIOUS D
Come on out Baron. We're worried about you.

BARON (OS)
Fuck off!

RORY
That's it, I'm going in! Hold on buddy, I'm coming for you!

Rory opens the door, but a heaping pile of garbage is blocking it. It takes both him and Furious D to force it open.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --NIGHT
Furious and Rory enter, the floor is covered in heaping piles of pizza boxes, beer cans, chip bags, and candy wrappers. Then they see BARON.

FURIOUS D
Oh my god! BARON!

Baron has ballooned to 500 lbs and is sprawled on the floor by his desk like Jabba the Hut after a bender.

BARON
I've let myself go since the girls left.

RORY
That's an understatement.

FURIOUS D
We can handle this. I need a forklift and phone.

RORY
Who are you going to call, the surgeon general?

FURIOUS D
Better. I'm calling Dr. Phil!

CUT TO:

INT. TIKI LOUNGE --DAY
Gathered around a table is Paris, Judex, Courtney, Michael Jackson, McG, Joel Schumacher and Michael Bay. The 3 hacks look like they've been badly bitten and lightly scorched.

BAY
I can't believe those giant spiders ate Jerry and Joel...

MCG
I can't believe that we were rescued by Paris Hilton.

JOEL
This wasn't the first time that my day was made by a penis. Thanks Judex. Your flaming member saved my life.

JUDEX
Why do I suddenly feel so dirty?

CHIRAC
Why am I still here?

NORIEGA
I've got nothing better to do, and I think Courtney digs me.

CHIRAC shudders.

PARIS
We all know why we're here. Our lives were ruined under the orders of three people, Baron, Ellen, and Furious D.

COURTNEY
Fuckin A!

JACKSON
I'll say. They framed me as a pedophile!

Everybody give Jacko and incredulous stare.

JACKSON
Hey, if I say it often enough somebody's bound to believe it.

PARIS
Now's our chance. I say we pool our resources and our brains and get our revenge. I propose a toast, to vengeance!

EVERYBODY
To vengeance!

CUT TO:

INT. TV STUDIO --DAY
500 lb Baron's on a forklift talking to celeb shrink DR PHIL MCGRAW.

BARON
So, you're going to try to put me on your diet.

PHIL
It's not a diet. It's a lifestyle plan with a food guide.

BARON
What's the difference?

PHIL
A diet tell you what and how much to eat. My food guide tells you how much and what to eat.

BARON
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

PHIL
Pretty much.

BARON
Fuck this, I'm getting the surgery.

PHIL
You're not going anywhere tubby! No fat person appears on my show without crying.

BARON
I'm not crying for you, you hyped up hillbilly!

PHIL
Cry fat boy! Don't make me bitch-slap you!

BARON
Furious, deal with him.

Furious steps off the forklift's driver's seat and takes out a small pistol.

BANG BANG!

One shot in each of Dr. Phil's knees. Phil goes down crying.

BARON
Let's get out of here!

CUT TO:

EXT. POOLSIDE --DAY
Hellen lying by the pool. Satan saunters out.

SATAN
Where were you last night?

HELLEN
Vitamin D took us out on the town. Then ChiChi took her money to a plastic surgeon. Something about the Angelina Jolie special...

SATAN
Just thinking about him is making me... uncomfortable... I need a swim.

Satan dives into the pool. It starts bubbling and boiling and Satan leaps out screaming and as red as a lobster.

Jesus leaps out of the bushes.

JESUS
Got you with the holy water! Ha-ha-ha!

Satan flicks Jesus with a towel and a merry chase ensues.

HELLEN
I wonder what ChiChi's up to now?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DR.'S OFFICE --DAY
CHICHI, her face wrapped in gauze, sits in a chair as a DOCTOR unwraps her head.

DOCTOR
Let's see what we've got.

The Doctor completely unwraps CHICHI's head and gasps as he sees...

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

DISSOLVE TO:

BLACK.

TITLE UP: Later that night...

FADE IN:

INT., BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- NIGHT.

It's a quiet evening at EDDIE GEEN's little specialty bistro. HELLEN, EDDIE and SATAN sit at a table, having a beer and hoping some customers come in. SATAN is wearing sunglasses.

EDDIE
Yeah, I didn't want to vomit in the middle of the restaurant, either.

SATAN
I almost didn't make it to the men's room. I haven't been able to keep anything on my stomach since then. Cripes, those pants scorched my retinas.

HELLEN
Hey, at least you weren't there when he dropped trou in the middle of dinner, thinking one of us would climb under the table. I told him I left my magnifying glass and tweezers at home.

SATAN
No wonder you caught a cab back to the house.

EDDIE
So I guess it is true about guys who drive Humvees trying to compensate!

HELLEN
If he's trying to compensate, he'd better start driving a Panzer tank.

Just then, the bell over the front door jingles, announcing the entrance of a customer. HELLEN looks up at the new PATRON.

HELLEN
Yes, er... Can... I... help you?

The new customer looks like a cross between Joey Ramone and Pamela Anderson: basically, all we see are lips, hair, and breasts. When I say lips, we're talking if Jimmy "Dyn-O-Mite" Walker from Good Times got punched in the mouth, sitting under "Jackie O" sunglasses, standing out in front of Cousin Itt's hair, with size 44-F breasts. As the new PATRON speaks, we see subtitles appear on screen in order to translate.

PATRON
He'en, Mmy, ih ee, EeEe.

Subtitle: Hellen, Baby, it's me, Chichi.

HELLEN
I'm sorry... What was that?

CHICHI
Ih ee, EeEe!

Subtitle: It's me, ChiChi!

HELLEN turns to EDDIE and SATAN.

HELLEN
You guys getting any of that?

EDDIE & SATAN
No. Not a word. Got me.

CHICHI
Ih EeEe!!!

She points down at the subtitles.

Subtitle: It's ChiChi!!!

HELLEN
Holy shit! ChiChi?

They all get up from the table and surround ChiChi.

EDDIE
What happened to you?

CHICHI
Ah en oo a a-ic ur-un.

Subtitle: I went to the plastic surgeon.

They all look down and read the subtitles as they appear.

SATAN
Oh boy... Someone needs to deal with some issues.

HELLEN
Why can't you talk right?

CHICHI
Ah a oo ay o uh eih oo o ow. Ah aa ai ih uhn.

Subtitle: I have to wait for the swelling to go down. I had my lips done.

EDDIE
Well, let's hope it doesn't take too long. This subtitle gag is already getting stale.

CUT TO:

INT., SURGURY PREP ROOM, WALTER REED HOSPITAL -- DAY.

BARON is laying on a specially made gurney, waiting to go into surgury. FURIOUS D and RORY are with him, as they talk to the DOCTOR.

DOCTOR
So, Mr. President, I see we're doing the "fat-ass special" for you: gastric bypass, along with mega-liposuction and skin tightening.

BARON
That's right, Doc. Get me back down to fighting weight, pronto!

DOCTOR
I assume all the possible side effects have been explained?

FURIOUS D
Side effects?

DOCTOR
Yes, the usual. Dizziness, rapid blood pressure drop, prolonged colonic incontinence, death.

RORY
Just give him the demerol shot, and he won't care.

BARON
Always looking out for me, Rory. Thank you.

The DOCTOR shoots the sedative into BARON's I.V..

DOCTOR
Five, four, three, two...

BARON
Yeah, Baby! Let's all do the "peppermint twist."

FURIOUS D
Listen, Doctor, you need to make sure he comes out of this okay.

DOCTOR
We'll do our best.

RORY shows the DOCTOR his aluminum baseball bat.

FURIOUS D
What was that?

DOCTOR
He'll be good as new! Guaranteed!

FURIOUS D
Good answer. This country's not ready to have Ellen as its new President.

BARON
Ellen... I miss her. That cute little wiggle. Those perky-

DOCTOR
Time to go, Mr. President. When you wake up, you'll be your old self again.

FIVE ORDERLIES come in and wheel BARON into the operating room. The DOCTOR follows them.

RORY
Well, what do we do now, Furious?

FURIOUS D
Pray, my man. Pray.

CUT TO:

EXT., BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- NIGHT.

PARIS, JUDEX, CHIRAC, NORIEGA, MCG, COURTNEY LOVE, MICHAEL JACKSON and MICHAEL BAY are in a seen looking down from an upper-floor window of SEEDY'S HOTEL, a seedy hotel across the street from EDDIE GEEN's restaurant.

CUT TO:

INT., SEEDY HOTEL ROOM -- NIGHT.

PARIS is looking though high-powered binoculars, into the front picture window of the diner. She sees HELLEN talking with CHICHI, SATAN and EDDIE.

PARIS
I know that's her! Unless she's got a twin sister, in which case I'll be cold-bloodedly murdering an innocent party.

NORIEGA
Don' be a pendeja! Col-blooded murder, she's easy. I'll do eet.

PARIS
No! She's mine, Manny. McG, did you bring it?

MCG produces a compact rocket launcher from out of nowhere.

JUDEX
Where did you get that?

MCG
Same place I always get shit like this... The Plot Convenience Department.

COURTNEY
You mean you pulled it out of your ass.

MCG
Something like that.

M.J.
You have anything else up there I can help you pull out?

PARIS
Knock it off, you guys. Gimme that rocket!

MCG hands PARIS the rocket launcher, and she takes aim at the picture window.

PARIS
Any of you movie types have a good line I could use before pulling the trigger?

MCG and BAY hum and haw.

BAY
Not really. We're hacks, remember?

PARIS
Fuckit.

She pulls the trigger, sending the rocket toward the group inside the eatery.

CUT TO:

EXT., BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- NIGHT.

Just as PARIS pulls the trigger, VITAMIN D's Humvee pulls up in front of the restaurant, directly between the oncoming projectile and its target.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

The rocket slams into the side of the Humvee and detonates in a flash of fire and smoke.

The smoke clears.

Vitamin D steps out of the Humvee and notices a ding on the door where the rocket hit.

VITAMIN D
Damn. I got dinged!

Vitamin D flows on to Behind the Geen Door.

INT. SEEDY HOTEL ROOM --CONTINUOUS
Paris tosses away the rocket launcher.

PARIS
Dammit! Who'd have thought it would be a safe SUV!

Paris turns around to see that everyone else is lightly scorched from the rocket's backfire. Their eyebrows are singed off and they're as red as lobsters.

PARIS
Sorry, my bad.

JUDEX
I need to fart.

EVERYBODY
No!

CUT TO:

EXT. SEEDY HOTEL --CONTINUOUS
There's a loud raspberry sound and a ball of green flame puffs out of the window and dissipates.

CUT TO:

INT. BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR --NIGHT
Vitamin D comes in, his presence puts everyone into a swoon.

EVERYONE BUT VITAMIN D
Hi D! Ooooohhhh....

VITAMIN D
Greetings common mortals. Someone dinged my car.

HELLEN
That's too bad. We were talking about that guy who showed up at the club last night. You remember the guy who wore those cheap imitations of your sassy fancy-pants.

VITAMIN D
That poser. I tell you, only a real manly man can fill pants this fancy the way they were meant to be filled.

CHICHI
Beer! Beer!

EDDIE
You want a beer?

CHICHI
I sab beer beer!

VITAMIN D
I think she meant 'here here!'

CHICHI
Nod I bant beer!

VITAMIN D
Now she wants beer.

SATAN
You understand her?

VITAMIN D
I live in Beverly Hills, you learn to speak fluent lip-job. By the way ChiChi you're looking as fab as always.

CHICHI
Spank poo.

VITAMIN D
You're welcome. (to Hellen) And Hellen, you're as sexy and sassy as always.

HELLEN
Gee, thanks. By the way. If you're not one of Furious D's clones, then why do you look so much like him.

VITAMIN D
We're played by the same actor.

Everybody goes, "Oh!"

VITAMIN D
It's cheaper and there wasn't anyone else who could play an irresistable object of desire like me.

SATAN
That makes sense.

Satan then takes the ice cubes from his drink and puts them down his pants. They start burning and smokes starts rising from his fly.

SATAN
Aaaaaaaggggghhhh!

Jesus leaps up from behind a potted fern.

JESUS
Got you again! This time with frozen holy water!

Satan leaps from his seat and chases Jesus out of the restaurant. Jesus is making that "Whoo-Hoo" noise Daffy Duck used to make.

VITAMIN D
Those crazy kids.

CHICHI
Ah bunder bat appink ib bashinkton?

HELLEN
What?

VITAMIN D
That was a segue.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WAITING ROOM --NIGHT
Furious D and Rory are waiting. Furious is pacing around the room while Rory reads a 60 year old time magazine.

RORY
Shit! We have to do something about this Hitler guy. He's a real dick.

FURIOUS D
We'll get right on it.

The Doctor comes out.

DOCTOR
I have some good news, and some bad news.

FURIOUS D
Good news first.

DOCTOR
The operation was a success. He trimmed all the excess weight off, he's slimmer than ever.

FURIOUS D
And the bad news?

DOCTOR
It appears that someone has stolen the President's....

RORY
What? Stolen his what?

DOCTOR
His...um... you know... his twig and berries... his meat and two veg... his sausage and eggs....his frank and beans....

RORY
He missed breakfast?

FURIOUS D
I know what he means. I speak fluent euphemism. He means that...THE PRESIDENT'S NADS ARE MISSING!:eek:

RORY
I don't get it.

FURIOUS D
Some pulchitrudinous poltroon pilfered the president's prize pecker.

RORY
But who did.... whatever the hell you're talking about...

CUT TO:

EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT --NIGHT
Dr. Romero followed by Frankenstinky are heading to Romero's car, an old Chevette. Romero's got the President's nads in a jar and a gelatinous heap of liposucked fat in a little red wagon he's pulling.

ROMERO
Call me a mad zombie obsessed quack will he! Well, I'll show him whose boss! I'll show everyone!

FRANKENSTINKY
Look boss, I know you're upset about Baron cutting your funding, leaving you to die in the river, and screwing your wife, but don't you think stealing his nads is a little extreme?

ROMERO
Extremism in the name of science is allowed. That and revenge. Bwa-hah-hah!... Wait a minute! He slept with my wife?

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR --NIGHT
Hellen and ChiChi come out with Vitamin D. ChiChi sees Paris Hilton and her gang come stumbling out the now burning hotel.

CHICHI
Bare-ass! Bare-ass!

HELLEN
What did you say?

VITAMIN D
She said "Paris."

Hellen now sees Paris and her gang. And they've got guns.

PARIS
Let's just shoot them all!

HELLEN
Dammit! I left my gun at home!

VITAMIN D
Let me show you the real reason I drive a humvee.

Vitamin D opens the back, revealing a complete arsenal of every conceivable kind of firearm.

VITAMIN D
Trunk space, lots and lots of trunk space.

HELLEN
I don't know why, but this is turning me on.

VITAMIN D
That's bloodlust baby. Let's have them say hello to our little friends.

CHICHI
Duckin hay!

HELLEN
It's time to take out the rich white trash!

They start pulling out guns when...

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

... A blinding light breaks through from the clouds above, and a VOICE is heard booming:

VOICE (OS)
Drop your weapons and lay down on the ground!

CHICHI
Jebub?

JESUS pokes his head around the corner.

JESUS
No, I'm over here.
(more)

SATAN's hand reaches around the corner and grabs JESUS by the hair, pulling him out of sight. We hear the sounds of someone getting the crap beaten out of them.

JESUS (OS)
Ow! Hey! Can't you take a joke?
(more)

We hear the sound of nails being hammered through flesh into wood.

JESUS (OS)
Ouch! Shit! That hurts! Awww, not again!

VOICE (OS)
This is the Los Angeles Police Department...

Everyone looks up to see a POLICE HELICOPTER hovering above them.

PARIS
Cheese it! The cops!
(to HELLEN)
I'll get you yet, my pretty! And your friend with the lips, too!

PARIS and her posse make a run into the shadows, making good their escape.

VITAMIN D
Shit! My probation isn't up yet!

CHICHI
Brobabun?

VITAMIN D
Hey, I thought she was at least 15!

CHICHI
Borbt, Blaablu Babba Bibbo!

SATAN meanders calmly around the corner.

SATAN
Easy, kiddies. I'm already here.

HELLEN
What are we gonna do, Baby?

SATAN
We? Well, I'm going to go back inside and finish my beer. I might suggest that you ladies join me.

HELLEN
What about him?

She points to VITAMIN D, who is now laying in a fetal position on the pavement, shaking and wallowing in a puddle of his own urine.

SATAN
Short-eyes, there, is on his own. Possession of contraban weapons, while on probation as a registered sex offender? We should be seeing him again in about, oh... Well, probably the next episode.
(to VITAMIN D)
Should have signed that contract with me, shouldn't you? I'll send you some powdered soap at County.

HELLEN
Powdered soap?

SATAN
Takes longer to pick up. He may think the Sun shines out of his ass, but by the time he gets out of prison, the Sun's gonna be rammed up into his Adam's apple.

SATAN, HELLEN and CHICHI go back into the restaurant, just as TWENTY L.A.P.D. OFFICERS converge on VITAMIN D, billyclubs drawn, and treat him like a King. (Rodney King, that is.) We leave a bloody, battered VITAMIN D being shoved into the back of a patrol car, in handcuffs and hobblers.

POLICE OFFICER
You have the right to remain silent...

CUT TO:

INT., A PRIVATE ROOM, WALTER REED HOSPITAL -- DAY.

BARON is laying in bed, recovering from his surgury, surrounded by FURIOUS D, RORY, and his DOCTOR. They're discussing the missing Presidential accoutrements.

DOCTOR
... And that's where things stand.

BARON looks thoughtful, but he's remaining calm.

BARON
What are our choices on handling this situation?

DOCTOR
Well, we have sufficient cells to begin cloning you a new set.

FURIOUS D
How long would it take until the new 'nads are in place and functional?

DOCTOR
Oh, I'd estimate perhaps another one, one and a half episodes. This joke won't stay funny any longer than that.

RORY
In the mean time, we need to try to find the originals. But who would want to steal the President's junk?

BARON
Only one man I know who would stoop this low.

FURIOUS D
But... He's dead.

BARON
Did any of you see his body?
(more)

FURIOUS D and RORY shake their heads.

BARON
No? Well, neither did I.

CUT TO:

INT. BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- NIGHT.

The gang is enjoying a cold beer after the little tussle outside. The ARRESTING OFFICER comes in, looking for HELLEN, CHICHI and SATAN.

ARRESTING OFFICER
Alright, you three, hands where I can see 'em.

SATAN
Is there a problem, Officer?

ARRESTING OFFICER
Don't give me a hard time, Slick. I saw you and your two lady-friends run in here.

SATAN
Run? No one ran in here, Officer. You're mistaken.

ARRESTING OFFICER
I'm mistaken?

SATAN
Yes. You're... mistaken. You saw no such thing.

Outside the window, we see JESUS walk up, nailed to a cross. He starts banging his head against the window, yelling at the people inside for help, as he tries to pull himself off the cross. As he does this, a group of POLICE OFFICERS walk up and start beating him with their billyclubs. SATAN looks out the window, smiles and waves.

ARRESTING OFFICER
I'm sorry. I must have come in here for -

SATAN
A sandwich.

ARRESTING OFFICER
Yeah... Hey, Eddie, can I get a hot one on rye... To go?

HELLEN
I'll get it, Eddie.
(more)

She gets up to head for the kitchen.

HELLEN
How about some hot, fresh coffees to take back to the station with you?

ARRESTING OFFICER
That would be great.

HELLEN
Coming right up.

CHICHI
Hey, this cold beer really helped the swelling. I can talk again.

SATAN
See... I told you. Everybody thinks I'm the bad guy. I just got a bad rap, because history was written by the Church. The same guys, by the way, who said that the Earth was flat, and women are unclean.

CHICHI
Wow. The truth can be so liberating!

CUT TO:

INT., A SECRET LABORATORY -- NIGHT.

DR. ROMERO and FRANKENSTINKY are busy hooking up electrical posts to a large mound under a sheet on the operating table. Jacob's ladders and Tesla coils spark, retorts bubble...

ROMERO
Mad, am I? I'll show them who's mad!

FRANKENSTINKY
But, Master, I still don't understand. Why did you steal the President's "favumbwaybway"?

ROMERO
Revenge. Pure, cold-hearted revenge. It was just the icing on the cake. That's why I'm keeping them in cold storage, in a place where only I know their whereabouts.

FRANKENSTINKY
But that means, if anything happens to you...

ROMERO
No one will know where the "Executive Branch and pine combs" are hidden. Ingenius insurance policy, eh my little friend? And if the mood so strikes me, I can sell them to the highest bidder.

FRANKENSTINKY
You mean an opposing power, like the Chinese?

ROMERO
No, you fool! E-Bay! I'm talking real money!

A thunderclap echos throughout the cavernous laboratory.

FRANKENSTINKY
The storm is starting, Master!

ROMERO
To your station, Frankenstinky. Tonight, we shall make history.

FRANKENSTINKY takes his place next to some switches.

FRANKENSTINKY
Ready to do your bidding, Master.

Another thunderclap is heard.

ROMERO
Throw the switches!
(more)

FRANKENSTINKY throws the three switches, and the entire room lights up with electrical arcs. The mound under the sheet begins to glow, and smoulder slightly. ROMERO pushes a button, and bolts of electricity fly from huge spherical electrodes to posts sticking out from under the sheet.

ROMERO
More power to him!!!
(more)

FRANKENSTINKY runs across the room to another bank of dials and knobs. He grabs hold of the red switch, and engages it. ROMERO signals FRANKENSTINKY to cut the juice, and the little freak frantically runs around the lab switching everything off.

The lab is left in pitch black darkness.

ROMERO (VO)
Not the work lights, bumbledick.

FRANKENSTINKY (VO)
Sorry.

FRANKENSTINKY turns the work lights back on, and ROMERO runs to the mound on the operating table with a stethyscope. He listens to the mound.

ROMERO
It's alive. It's alive! Alive, alive, alive!
(Grabbing FRANKENSTINKY)
Do you know what that means? It's alive, I tell you!!!

As ROMERO carries on insanely, a huge shadow is cast over him from behind. FRANKENSTINKY's eyes get as big as Harvest Moons, and he points behind ROMERO. As ROMERO turns around, FRANKENSTINKY makes a bee-line for the door.

ROMERO
Aw, shit.

CUT TO:

EXT., THE WOODED HILLS JUST OUTSIDE THE LABORATORY DOOR -- NIGHT.

FRANKENSTINKY pauses just outside the door, We can hear ROMERO's off-screen screams, squishy, sucking sounds, and the cracking of bones. FRANKENSTINKY makes a run for it.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --DAY
Furious D is busy tossing treats to Chompy who gobbles them all up.

Enter Rory, who looks worried and is carrying a bundle of newspapers.

RORY
This is bad.

FURIOUS D
If you're talking about the New York Times running the headline NUTLESS WONDER, then I'm one step ahead of you. Thank god they were talking about his foreign policy and not his lack of testicles. How's the cloning going?

RORY
Slowly, too slowly. I don't like what losing his nuts has done to Baron.

FURIOUS D
Me too. Last night I went to visit him at the hospital and found him eating chocolate ice cream, watching Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and bawling his eyes out. He screamed 'Don't look at me!' and hid under his blankets.

RORY
We could speed this up if we could find the original set.

FURIOUS D
My agents have been all over the country looking for Romero. It's like some strange creature swallowed him whole. Why couldn't he have drowned in the river like a good lunatic?

RORY
We can't let Ellen find out about this. The moment she finds out she'll have Baron turfed faster than you can say eunuch.

The phone rings. Furious D answers it.

FURIOUS D
Hello. He's in LA County jail. Perfect, they bought his cover story and the operation's still on. Excellent. Keep me up to date.

Furious hangs up.

RORY
What was that about?

FURIOUS D
One of my agents is infiltrating a gang of celebrity jailbait biters. We've set up a phony scenario that put him on probation and now that probation's been revoked. Just as I planned it.

RORY
I supposed it's all classified.

FURIOUS D
Normally, I'd have to kill you for what you know, but I figured what the hell. He'll have the whole group blown wide open by the next scene.

CUT TO:

SPINNING NEWSPAPER
Once the newspaper stops spinning we can read the headline: HEROIC VITAMIN D BUSTS KIDDIE PIMP RING.

Anothe Newspaper spins into the shot.

Headline: VITAMIN D IS AMERICA'S GREATEST HERO

CUT TO:

EXT. POOLSIDE --DAY
CHICHI and HELLEN are sunning themselves by the pool.

CHICHI
Turns out Vitamin D was an undercover fed all along.

HELLEN
Someone as sexy as him probably spends all his time undercover.

ChiChi and Hellen share a laugh.

CHICHI
He's coming down later. Said he's got some guns for you to try out now that Paris is in town.

HELLEN
Good, this whole Paris thing has gone on long enough.

SATAN comes in looking rather downtrodden.

HELLEN
You look down.

SATAN
Dad's mad.

Suddenly the sky goes dark and a beam of light engulfs Satan.

JEHOVAH (OS)
You're damn right I'm mad you little pischer! I know what you've been up to. I gave you a chance to repent and you blew it!

HELLEN
What did you do?

SATAN
I'm kinda responsible for the careers of Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich, and I was executive producer of GIGLI.

CHICHI kicks Satan in the nads.

CHICHI
You bastard!

JEHOVAH (OS)
And for your continuing sins I am condemning you to an eternity of hellish damnation!

HELLEN
I thought you said there was no hell?

JEHOVAH (OS)
I made one up, just for him!

A fiery crack appears beneath Satan's feet and he's sucked in screaming and wailing like a little girl.

SATAN
No! Just when I was about to lose my virginity! Nooooooo!!!!!

Satan's completely sucked in and the crack vanishes.

HELLEN
Poor bastard. I wonder what this new hell is like?

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET --NIGHT
It's a surprisingly clean urban street. A scream is heard from above, then Satan plummets from the sky and hits the ground with a thud.

He looks around.

SATAN
This doesn't look that bad.

Satan turns around to see some disturbingly clean cut PEOPLE standing behind him. The men where short sleeve dress shirts and black ties, the women wear modest dresses. All have perfect hair and vacuous Osmond style smiles.

CLEAN CUT MAN
Welcome to Saturday night in Salt Lake City. For all eternity!

SATAN
NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. POOLSIDE --DAY
Vitamin D comes in carrying a large crate in his strong manly hands.

CHICHI
Hi Vitamin D. We were reading about your big bust.

VITAMIN D
What a coincidence, I was thinking about yours.

CHICHI
Oh you. (Giggle)

VITAMIN D
And how are you doing oh perktacular princess of everyone's darkest and dampest dreams?

HELLEN
As wonderful as ever.

VITAMIN D
Thanks for not blowing my cover last night. Any questioning of my cowardly act would have blown the entire operation. As a sign of gratitude I'd like to give both of you a hummer.

CHICHI
You're going to buy us each an SUV!?!

VITAMIN D
Yeah... an SUV.... that's it...

HELLEN
I hear you have something for me.

VITAMIN D
It's right in here.

VITAMIN D puts down the crate and undoes the lock.

VITAMIN D
Prepare to be amazed. This is the most advanced killing tool ever developed.

Vitamin D opens the crate. Hellen and ChiChi look in and oooh and aaaah.

CUT TO:

INT. ROMERO'S CAR --DAY
Frankenstinky drives Romero's car and muttering to himself.

FRANKENSTINKY
Got to get to Hellen... end of the world... it'll destroy us all.... she'll know what to do... or die trying.... end of the world...

CUT TO:

EXT. LOS ANGELES CITY LIMITS --DAY
Romero's car drives past a sign reading: NOW ENTERING LOS ANGELES.

There's silence for a beat and a half then...

A large black car, it's windows painted black drives into the city. A thin gelatinous stream drips from the car and coagulates on the hot pavement.

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

EXT., SALT LAKE CITY STREET -- NIGHT.

SATAN is wandering the streets of Salt Lake City, Eternity, when he espies exactly what he’s looking for: a telephone booth. He enters the booth, picks up the phone and dials.

SATAN
Collect, please… From Hillel. Thank you.
(He waits for the receiving party to pick up.)
Hello? Hello, Grandma. Not so good. You wanna know what your son did to me? Yeah! Again!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., THE PRESIDENT’S HOSPITAL ROOM, WALTER REED HOSPITAL -- DAY.

FURIOUS D AND RORY anxiously await BARON’s return from his cloning transplant. The television in the room is playing a daytime soap opera, as the door opens, and two ORDERLIES wheel in a fully conscious BARON, followed by his DOCTOR.

RORY
How’d everything go?

DOCTOR
The operation was a great success. The President came through everything beautifully. And since this was a cloning transplant procedure, there are no concerns about tissue rejection. Within a week, he’ll be back in the saddle… so to speak.

BARON looks at the television, then at FURIOUS and RORY.

BARON
What the fuck kind of pussy shit are you guys watching? Turn on the game, for fuck sake. And get me a beer.

FURIOUS D
Doctor, I don’t know how to thank you.

DOCTOR
He’s the Alpha Male of the Free World. There’s no need to thank me. It was my duty as a physician and an American to see to it that this man continues to nail as much tail as humanly possible.

RORY
It does kind of keep him relaxed.

FURIOUS D
And his finger off the button.

BARON
So, any signs of Romero?

RORY
He’s disappeared.

FURIOUS D
Looks like he fell off the face of the earth.

BARON
We need to find those ‘nads! God only knows what kind of trouble it could cause with them out there without a brain to control them.

FURIOUS D
What do you mean? They’re just a mass of flesh and nerve endings. What kind of trouble can they cause?

BARON
Oh, you don’t know. It’s a long story, going back almost five hundred years, when an ancestor of mine ran afoul of a Siberian shaman on the Russian steppes…

The shot begins to blur.

RORY
We’re going into a dissolve. Does that mean there's going to be a flashback?

FURIOUS D
No. It’s not in the budget.

RORY
Thank Jebus.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT., POOLSIDE -- DAY.

HELLEN and CHICHI are still catching a few rays. Suddenly, a fissure opens in the ground beside them, and SATAN rises from the pit. Just as quickly, the fissure closes after him.

SATAN
Thanks for the lift, Gram!

CHICHI
Baby!

SATAN
Don't. I'm still aching from that nutting you gave me a little while ago. Gigli was supposed to be an expensive practical joke.

HELLEN
What the hell happened to you?

SATAN
Funny you should ask. Okay, you have to understand, my dad is history’s first dysfunctional father. See, just because he made the created Universe, he thinks he’s God.

CHICHI
You mean he’s not?

SATAN
Far from it. Jehovah’s just a demiurge. But he convinced the ancient Hebrews that he was the one and only, and it’s been downhill from there. Let’s just say that the last sound heard before the “Big Bang” took place, was my Grandmother saying, “Jehovah, don’t touch that!”

HELLEN
Your Grandmother?

SATAN
Yes. She’s the Matrix, and I don’t mean that piece of shit movie. The Goddess created the demiurge, and after he got out of line, she made sure I was created to try to keep him honest. Just look at that crap he pulled in Eden. Oh, like he didn’t know exactly how that was gonna turn out. You tell two children what not to do and see what happens! And who took the heat for that little planned debacle? Me.

From far off in the sky, we hear voices. SATAN, HELLEN and CHICHI look up.

JEHOVAH (OS)
Ow! But, Mom…

THE GODDESS (OS)
Don’t you “but Mom” me! How many times have I told you about that!

JEHOVAH (OS)
Ouch! But I didn’t do anything!

THE GODDESS (OS)
Didn’t do anything?!?! Don’t you dare lie to me! You couldn’t tell the truth if your life depended on it!

JEHOVAH (OS)
Oh, crap! Not the wooden spoon!

THE GODDESS (OS)
(her speech punctuated by the sound of someone being struck)
If - I - ever - find - out - you've - sent - my - grandson - in - to - damnation - again...

SATAN
Oh, yeah! Now you’ve got it coming, Thunderbuns! Get him, Gram!

CHICHI
But it says in the Bible…

SATAN
A book written by men, to support their particular sociopolitical agenda. And Grandma isn’t the only one who’s pissed off. Wait’ll Jesus’ wife catches up with him!

Just then, VITAMIN D comes out of the house. He stops dead at poolside, not realizing that SATAN would be there. No one says a word, as they all just stare at VITAMIN D.

VITAMIN D
Shit.

VITAMIN D is dressed in a human-sized badger costume, with just his face showing. He’s drawn whiskers on his cheeks with an eyebrow pencil. HELLEN and CHICHI simultaneously break into uncontrollable laughter.

SATAN
Well, what do you know! Vitamin D’s a “plushie.”

HELLEN
Oh, my Goddess! Look at you! Is this the secret weapon you were bragging about?

VITAMIN D
Yeah... I'm a ladykiller, right?

CHICHI
What’s it supposed to do? Make people laugh themselves to death?

VITAMIN D
But… But, this makes me feel all sexed-up.

At this remark, the girls laugh convulsively.

HELLEN
Oh… Oh, no… I’m gonna wet myself. This is so sad, but so funny.

SATAN picks up the cordless phone from the table between HELLEN and CHICHI, and dials the emergency number.

SATAN
Hello, Police Department? There’s a pervert in a giant badger costume trespassing on my property. Yes, he’s armed.
(feigning fear)
Oh, no! He’s attacking me! I’m going to have to defend myself!
(more)

SATAN pulls a .9mm with armor piercing half-jacket hollow-points from his waist band, and unloads sixteen rounds into VITAMIN D, the last two in his head. The costumed corpse falls back into the swimming pool, face down, and a cloud of red begins to stain the water around his body.

SATAN
I had to shoot him. I feared for my life and those of my house guests. You’ll send someone by? No. No, I don’t think it’ll be necessary. Thanks, Marv. I’ll see you Thursday. Bring only what you can afford to lose.
(more)

He hangs up the phone, and JESUS walks in. Seeing VITAMIN D’s dead body sinking to the bottom of the pool, JESUS begins to step out on the surface of the water.

SATAN
Try to pull a “Lazarus” with him, and there’ll be two bodies floating in that pool.

JESUS
What’s he wearing.

HELLEN
A giant badger costume.

JESUS
Ew. What a fuckin’ perv! Let him rot for all I care.

JESUS’ cel phone rings, he answers it.

JESUS
Hello? Hey, Dad. Yeah, he’s here.
(to SATAN)
He wants to talk to you.

SATAN
Tell him I said he can go to Salt Lake City.

JESUS
Huh?

SATAN
He’ll know what I mean.

JESUS
(on the phone)
Yeah. Hang on.
(to SATAN)
He says he’s sorry. You know how he gets when he’s been drinking.

SATAN
Yeah, it’s always that same lame excuse. The flood, Sodom and Gemorrah, the Inquisition… He needs to get to a meeting. Tell him when he gets his 30-day chip, I’ll talk to him.

JESUS
(on the phone)
You heard him. Yes, I know how he is. Hey, I’ve got to live with him. You did what? Oh, crap! No wonder he called Grandma! Dad, you’ve got to get a handle on the booze. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, Dad! Okay. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
(more)

JESUS hangs up.

JESUS
What did you do to piss him off like that?

SATAN
Told the truth.

JESUS
No wonder! You should know by now how he gets about that. He hates it when people find out the truth.

CUT TO:

INT., A CHURCH SOCIAL ROOM -- NIGHT.

A group of people are sitting around with cups of coffee, listening to a SPEAKER at the podium in the front of the room.

SPEAKER
… And well, that’s my story.
(more)

The people listening give the SPEAKER polite applause.

SPEAKER
Who would like to be next to share?

VOICE (OS)
Uh, I will.

SPEAKER
Great! Come on up!

The SPEAKER leads the group in more polite applause, as THE BURNING BUSH makes its way to the podium.

BURNING BUSH
Hi, my name’s Jehovah, and I’m an alcoholic.

EVERYBODY
Hi, Jehovah!

CUT TO:

INT., BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR -- NIGHT.

The restaurant is packed with customers, chowing down on sandwiches, bbq’d ribs, and other delicacies. CHICHI, SATAN and JESUS are sitting at the counter talking to EDDIE, while HELLEN is busy taking orders.

EDDIE
What are you guys gonna do about Paris and her crew of homicidal misfits? That was a close call the other day. Next time might not go so well.

CHICHI
He has a point, Baby. What are we going to do.

SATAN
I can only interfere in human affairs just so far. Hellen is the one that has to make the final decision.

HELLEN walks up to hand EDDIE an order.

HELLEN
Damn, Eddie… Your menudo is selling like crazy.

EDDIE
That’s because I only make it once a week. It’s special.

HELLEN
So what are you guys conferencing about. I thought I heard my name.

JESUS
You did. We were just wondering how you want to handle Paris.

HELLEN
With my fingers around her throat.

SATAN
Knowing that I cannot interfere with this situation, I have to ask you… Is that your final decision?

HELLEN
Yes. I just want the opportunity to beat her to death with my bare hands.

SATAN
As you wish!

SATAN snaps his fingers, and suddenly…

CUT TO:

INT., THE L. A. SPORTS ARENA -- NIGHT.

EDDIE, CHICHI, and JESUS are sitting in the front row. They look up to see a wrestling ring surrounded by a steel cage. In one corner, wearing a very becoming wrestling leotard, is HELLEN. In the opposite corner, similarly clad, is PARIS. On the other side of the arena, handcuffed together and to the seats, are MANUEL NORIEGA, JACQUES CHIRAC, MICHAEL BAY, MCG, MICHAEL JACKSON, COURTNEY LOVE, and JUDEX. COURTNEY has a death grip on JUDEX’s crotch, to keep him from going off and burning down the building.

M.J.
(to COURTNEY)
If you get tired of holding that, let me know.

COURTNEY
Shut the fuck up.

SATAN walks into the spotlight, and a microphone is lowered.

SATAN
Ladies and gentlemen… Tonight, in a steel cage match, to the death… Standing five feet, two inches tall…

HELLEN
Five foot three!

SATAN
I’m sorry. Five feet, three inches in height, weighing in at 115 pounds, the cyclone from Chicago: Hellen Wheels!

The crowd cheers enthusiastically.


CUT TO:

EXT., A PARK IN SALT LAKE CITY -- DAY.

VITAMIN D, still wearing his badger costume, is seated on a park bench. A group of children are playing on the swing set nearby. A LITTLE GIRL, noticing VITAMIN D's peculiar mode of dress, takes him for a children's entertainer, and approaches him.

LITTLE GIRL
Hey, Mister, you wanna play with us?

VITAMIN D
Sure, Honey. Come here and sit on ol' Vitamin's lap.

The LITTLE GIRL screams, attracting the attention of a group of HYMN-SINGING ADULTS. As they come running to see what the commotion is all about, the LITTLE GIRL meets them halfway, in tears.

LITTLE GIRL
Daddy! Daddy! The badger-man touched me in a bad place!

The ADULTS fall to kicking the crap out of VITAMIN D.

LITTLE GIRL'S FATHER
Welcome to Eternity, you nasty man!

CUT TO:

INT., THE L. A. SPORTS ARENA -- NIGHT.

SATAN
And in the opposite corner, standing five feet, seven inches, and eighty-two pounds, hotel heiress and First Lady of the United States of America, the terror of reality tv and home video, Paris Hilton-Baron!
(more)

The crowd boos and hisses.

SATAN
Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuummmble!!!

SATAN releases the microphone, and it disappears aloft. The bell rings, and the opponents face off.


TO BE CONTINUED…

[Furious D]

The old STAR TREK fight music blares up and both Paris and Hellen are given those big ugly weapons Kirk & Spock used to fight. (NERD ALERT)

PARIS
You're going down!

HELLEN
You may be the expert on that, but I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Paris howls and charges at Hellen, Hellen drops her weapon and reaches into a pocket. Out comes a flamethrower.

Paris stops and looks stunned at this development.

HELLEN
Or I should say, in my pocket. This is the Ronco Scorch-o-matic. Furious D gave this to me for Hannukah. How do like it, regular, or extra crispy?

PARIS
Oooops!

FWOOOOSH!

A jet of flame engulfs Paris Hilton.

Satan leaps from his seat.

SATAN
No! Remember! She's mostly plastic and hairspray!

BOOM!

Paris Hilton explodes in a huge ball of flame. Blasting the steel cage apart and scorching everybody.

Jesus stands up and surveys the damage.

JESUS
I told you we should have gone with the hot oil.

JUDEX
For once there's an explosion I'm not responsible for.

Judex turns and sees that there's a big piece of shrapnel wedged into Courtney Love's head. She's dead. And Michael Jackson's been burnt to a scorched skeleton. Judex breaks free from dead Courtney's grasp.

JUDEX
Eeeewww. She's dead. So is Michael Jackson!

CHICHI
He's black again now.

Everybody laughs at that joke.

JUDEX
Wait a minute. Where's the hell is Hellen?

Everybody looks around. Hellen's gone.

SATAN
Grandma's going to pissed about this...

CUT TO:

INT. FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --DAY
Rory enters. Furious is reading something off his computer screen.

RORY
Any leads?

FURIOUS D
Not yet. But I did find out that Baron's story about a Siberian shaman was bullshit.

RORY
So, just about everything he says is bullshit. That's how he got elected. Does this mean we're out of danger?

FURIOUS D
No. It's worse than he could possibly imagine. I've been going over Romero's files. Seems he used to be the Baron's personal physician.

RORY
Talk about 'alternative medicine.'

FURIOUS D
The missing bits were subjected to numerous extension surgeries and artificial implants, making it a veritable cyborg. It was also pumped full of enough enzyte to sink a ship.

RORY
Why is that scaring me?

FURIOUS D
Cyborg genital extension mixed with massive doses of enzyte can only result in one thing: Horror, beyond imagination. Then there's also the missing flab, god knows what Romero's doing to that.

RORY
I'm going to crawl into the bunker and hide until all this blows over.

FURIOUS D
Not so fast chicken boy. We've got a job to do.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS POOLSIDE --DAY
Hellen falls from the sky and lands with a splash in the pool. Much to the chagrin of legendary Hollywood producer ROBERT EVANS.

Hellen pulls herself out of the pool. She's a little scorched around the edges, but otherwise okay.

HELLEN
I knew I should have just used a gun.

EVANS
Why hello there, pretty lady?

HELLEN
Can you give me lift back to the city?

EVANS
That and so much more....

HELLEN
I'll call a cab.

Hellen turns away from Evans and starts walking to the gate.

EVANS
I can do a lot for your career. Well, actually, not much... but I am overdue for a new marriage. How does that sound?

A massive TENTACLE emerges from the bushes and grabs Evans. He's dragged into the bushes. Hellen doesn't notice, she's busy dialling up a taxi on her cell phone.

HELLEN
Hello, can you send a car to...

A horrible chewing sound emerges from the bushes, along with the screams of Evans.

EVANS(OS)
AAAAAAAAGH! I don't deserve this, I produced CHINATOWN! AAAAAAAAAGH! Why don't you eat Eisner!?! AAAAAAAGGHHH!!!

There's a horrible final crunch.

MONSTROUS VOICE (OS)
Hmmmm... The kid stays in the dinner.... BURP!

CUT TO:

INT. BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR --DAY
Frankenstinky bursts into the empty restaurant.

FRANKENSTINKY
Hellen! Are you here? I have to warn you!

THWACK!

A meat cleaver hits Frankenstinky right in the brainpan. It's held by EDDIE GEEN.

EDDIE
Not much meat, but I think I can whip up a nice stirfry.

CUT TO:

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET--DAY

MONSTROUS POV- something is watching Hellen get into the cab. It's breathing is slow and bubbling with slime.

HELLEN
668 Hollywood Boulevard, please.

MONSTROUS VOICE
(whisper) 668.... Hollywood... Boulevard....

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

EXT., A PARK IN SALT LAKE CITY -- DAY.

VITAMIN D, a little worse for wear and tear, is sitting on a park bench, trying to figure out what he’s going to do to amuse himself for all eternity.

VITAMIN D
(to himself)
… I could always become a barista at Starschmuck’s…

His reveries are interrupted by the sound of screams, and suddenly, PARIS, MICHAEL JACKSON and COURTNEY LOVE fall from the sky, landing with thuds on the grass in front of him. PARIS and M.J. both look like those green plastic army men after eight-year-old pyros set them on fire. COURTNEY still has a huge piece of shrapnel jutting from her forehead.

COURTNEY
What the fuck, man! What happened? Where are we?

VITAMIN D
I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news. Which do you want first?

PARIS
Oooh… I hate making decisions like this.

M.J.
Give us the good news.

VITAMIN D
Okay. The Good news is, you’re dead.

PARIS
What? I can’t be dead! Fox renewed my contract!

COURTNEY
(looking around nervously)
Fuck! Kurt’s not here, is he?

M.J.
That’s the good news? Sheee-it! What’s the bad news?

VITAMIN D
We’re stuck in Salt Lake City for all eternity.

PARIS, COURTNEY, M.J.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

PARIS
No… No way. I found my way back from a desert island, and out of the bowels of the Pentagon. I’ll find a way out of here, too. I’m not finished with Ellen… Not by a long shot!

CUT TO:

INT., LOBBY OF WALTER REED HOSPITAL -- DAY.

FURIOUS D and RORY are waiting for BARON to be brought down for his return trip to the White House. The DOCTOR is giving them some last minute instructions with regard to the patient’s aftercare.

DOCTOR
... oh, if he were unfit to perform the duties of his office, we wouldn’t be releasing him today.

RORY
(whispers to FURIOUS D)
What? They gave him an ethics implant?

DOCTOR
There’s just one thing that you’ll need to do for the President. Because he’s going to be a bit tender, he’s going to have to have someone massage this ointment into his transplanted tissue.

He hands FURIOUS D a jar of ointment.

FURIOUS D
He can’t do this himself?

DOCTOR
I’m afraid he might be hesitant to massage it as vigorously as needed. Please see to this, gentlemen. I know that you’re his closest friends and advisors. As the President’s physician, I’m asking you to take matters into your own hands. If you have any questions, please call me any time.

The DOCTOR goes off down the hall, leaving FURIOUS D and RORY to consider their options. They just stand there a moment, both looking at the jar of ointment. RORY finally breaks the silence.

RORY
Rock-paper-scissors?
(more)

FURIOUS D looks at RORY incredulously.

RORY
Loser greases Baron’s crank?

FURIOUS D
Don’t even go there.

An ORDERLY wheels BARON up to his friends. BARON tries to raise himself out of the wheelchair, but he winces with pain.

BARON
Okay, which one of you wants to give me a hand?

MUSIC UP: The Stroke by Billy Squire.

CUT TO:

EXT., ESTABLISHING SHOT: 666 HOLLYWOOD BLVD. -- DAY.

CUT TO:

EXT., POOLSIDE -- DAY.

HELLEN walks across the pool deck to the guest house, the address of which is 668 Hollywood Boulevard. SATAN and JESUS rush from the house when they see her, and CHICHI comes from the guest house.

CHICHI
Hellen! What happened? We thought you were blown to bits.

SATAN
It’s so good to see you’re alright. I knew Grandma would take care of you. I’ll call and thank her for you now.

SATAN goes back into the house.

HELLEN
You know, ChiChi, L.A. has been great, but we should think about heading back to Washington pretty soon.

CHICHI
Yeah, Baron’s going to be lost without Paris. He’s going to need a good woman to lean on.

JESUS
Oh, man… You‘re gonna have to break that news to my brother gently. He’s kind of attached to you girls, and he might not take it too well.

HELLEN
Okay. Let’s go in and talk to him.

As JESUS, HELLEN and CHICHI go into the house, an immense, amorphous shadow is cast over the pool area, accompanied by a gelatinous, bubbling sound.

MONSTER (OS)
Girls… Yum.

CUT TO:

INT., 666 HOLLYWOOD BLVD., LIVING ROOM -- DAY.

JESUS, HELLEN and CHICHI enter the living room, where SATAN has just gotten off the phone.

SATAN
Hey, Jeez… Gram says “Hi.”

HELLEN
Baby, we have to talk about something.

Just then, the doorbell rings.

SATAN
Hold that thought.
(more)

SATAN answers the door. As the door opens completely, his entire body stiffens, and all the color drains from his face.

SATAN
Sh-Sh-Shub Niggurath! What are you doing here?

Standing in the doorway is SHUB NIGGURATH, BLACK GOAT OF THE WOODS WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG, and she’s upset.

SHUB
Whaddaya think I’m doing here, you dead-beat son of a bitch! Your child support payment is two weeks late!
(she looks behind SATAN, and sees HELLEN and CHICHI)
Who are those hos?

SATAN
Uh… Hellen, ChiChi, let me introduce you to Shub Niggurath, Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.

SHUB
Yeah, and he owes me this month’s child support on nine-hundred sixty three of them!

SATAN
Will you take a check?

SHUB
Make it out to cash.

CUT TO:

INT., A CHILD’S ROOM IN A GEORGETOWN BROWNSTONE -- NIGHT.

REGAN, a precocious 12-year-old girl, is playing with a Ouija board.

REGAN
Are there any spirits here tonight?
(more)

The planchette slides to “YES” on the board.

REGAN
Wow! My name’s Regan. What’s yours?

The planchette moves on the board and spells out “P - A - R - I - S”.

Just then, REGAN’s MOTHER enters the room.

MOTHER
Regan, it’s time to go to bed.

REGAN replies, but not in her own voice…

REGAN (COURTNEY’S VOICE)
Then get me a shit-load of oxycontin, ya fuckin’ bitch.
(MICHAEL JACKSON’S VOICE)
And some Jesus Juice to wash them down!

CUT TO:

INT., FURIOUS D'S OFFICE -- NIGHT.

FURIOUS D is burning the midnight oil. The room is illuminated by the glow of his computer monitor. As he types, RORY enters.

RORY
You're working late.

FURIOUS D
Damn straight. I'm finding a suitable nurse to lube the Presidential tube. How does this sound...
(he reads from his email screen)
Dear Pamela Anderson, Greetings from the President of the United States...

TO BE CONTINUED…

[Furious D]

INT. SATAN'S LIVING ROOM --DAY
Shub, Satan, Jesus, Hellen and ChiChi are all in the living room having an uncomfortable moment. Satan's writing a check.

SHUB
So, still trying to make it with a human, eh?

SATAN
Quiet.

SHUB
(to Hellen & ChiChi) You girls better watch yourselves around this fellow. He's like Superman... faster than a speeding bullet...

SATAN
That's it! Now I know why I left you!

SHUB
You left me? I tossed your worthless hairy ass out!

SATAN
You are still the most shrill castrating demon-goddess I have ever met!

JESUS
(to Hellen and ChiChi) Let's head over to Eddie's. The last time these two had an argument it lasted over a century.

CUT TO:

INT. FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --DAY
PAM ANDERSON is sitting across from Furious D's desk dressed in a rubber porno-naughty-nurse's uniform & stiletto heels. Rory is sitting on a couch drooling at the sight of her bountiful bosoms. Furious remains calm and professional.

FURIOUS D
You have no nursing experience, but you do have a lot of crank-yanking experience.

PAM
I sure do... Tee-hee. Do you want me to audition?

FURIOUS D
No, thank you. I'm allergic to silicone... and tatoo ink... and hepatitis.

PAM
You're easier to please than Hasselhoff.

FURIOUS D
Now some may question your Canadian background in relation to you security clearance. But since you're now over 60% American made that shouldn't be a problem. Welcome to the White House.

PAM
Whoopee! When do I start? Because I really need that first check. Stripperella doesn't pay shit.

Furious D tosses her a jar of the medicated lubricant.

FURIOUS D
You start right away.

Pam does a little happy dance and heads out the office.

CUT TO:

INT. BEHIND THE GEEN DOOR --DAY
Jesus, Hellen and ChiChi are having lunch. In fact, they're having the stir fry.

HELLEN
You know. This stir-fry tastes interesting... familiar, but stupid...

Jesus's cell-phone rings. He answer it.

JESUS
Hello. Hi Granma. Uh-huh. Really. Okay. We're on it.

Jesus hangs up.

HELLEN
What's up?

JESUS
That was Granma. Says there's some trouble in the Andromeda Galaxy and she wants Satan and me to head down there. Me to provide guidance, Satan to be a cautionary example.

CHICHI
You're leaving?

JESUS
Right after lunch. Which by the way is delicious. (calling towards kitchen) Eddie. This stir fry's tasty, what's your secret?

CUT TO:

INT. GEEN DOOR KITCHEN --DAY
Eddie's head is now in a wok being stirred by a massive flabby tentacle.

CUT TO:

INT. GEEN DOOR RESTAURANT --DAY

JESUS
I guess he like's to keep his secrets.

CHICHI
We better be heading back.

HELLEN
Yeah, but what about the dangers we'll be facing. For the past while we've been counting on Satan to cover our ass. With you guys gone, what'll we do?

JESUS
You must look inside...

HELLEN
Ourselves? What kind of pseudo-jedi bullshit is that?

JESUS
I was about to say that you must look inside Vitamin D's old Humvee. It's got all the firepower you need for any occasion. Here are the keys.

Jesus tosses the keys to Hellen.

HELLEN
Now we've got a sweet ride back to Washington.

CHICHI
Washington here we come!

CUT TO:

INT. GEEN DOOR KITCHEN --DAY
We can hear their conversation through a pass-through window. Now another flabby tentacle is sprinkling Oregano on Eddie's head.

MONSTER VOICE (OS)
Washington...yum....

CUT TO:

INT. DRUGSTORE --DAY
Regan is walking through the drugstore bouncing off the shelves like a ball in a pinball machine.

REGAN
(Courtney voice)
Let me fucking drive! I know my way around a drugstore!
(MJ's voice)
I wanna drive!
(Paris's voice)
I'll drive. This is my plan!

Regan then stops spinning in all directions and comes under control.

REGAN
(PAris voice)
There she is...

PAM is at the prescription counter picking up another jar of Baron lube.

PAM
Did you get the penicillin he asked for?

PHARMACIST
Is he sick?

PAM
He says it's a precaution with me around.

REGAN
(Courtney Voice)
Looks like you've been outskanked.
(Paris voice)
Quiet you. Now it's time for stage two....

Regan's eyes roll up leaving only the whites visible.

REGAN
(Paris voice)
Reknaw a si itnelav kcaj!

Pam's body suddenly tenses. Then relaxes.

PHARMACIST
Are you okay?

PAM (Paris voice)
I'm better than okay.

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[erbenz]

EXT-Outside the White House-Twilight-Pam (Paris's Spirit has just got out of the car along with Regan. 5 seconds later, Ellen and GiGi (they now use theire normal names) arrive and get out of their cars.
GIGI
White House here we come.

ELLEN (with Anger)
Gigi, you've been saying the whole fuckin way here.

Ellen turns and sees Pam coming towards her

PAM (bitch slap)
This is for beating the hell out of me and making me a lost soul, Bitch...

ELLEN
Hey, I don't remember hurting you, though I did call you a talentless whore who can only give Blowjobs for a living...

Pam grabs Regan and slams Ellen across the head with it.

ELLEN
You sound like someone I know, Paris???

PAM
Fuck a duck, she knows

GiGi emerges from PAM's shadow with a knife while Regan emerges behind GiGi with a knife.

ELLEN
So, how was Salt Lake City, Paris

Gigi stabs Regan then grabs Regan's knife when Pam turns and trys to kick Gigi. Ellen Responds by searching through her suitcase for her gun (The mysterious monster took it). Eventually Pam kicks GiGi onto the road leaving her to painful death at the hands of the Mysterious Monster

GiGI
Help


INT-Presidents bedroom-NIGHT
D, Rory and Baron are waiting in the presidents

Baron
Where the Fuck is Pam?

Pam
Here...
TO BE CONTINUED

[Furious D]

INT. HUMVEE --DAY
GIGI wakes up in the passenger seat with a start. Something that spooks Ellen who's driving.

GIGI
Aaaaagh!

ELLEN
Aaaaagh! What the hell was that about? You almost made me drive off the road.

GIGI
I was asleep? Oh, it was all a nightmare.

ELLEN
Damn right you were asleep. You've been snoring up a storm since Vegas. What scared you?

GIGI
For some reason we were being attacked by Pamela Anderson, some creepy kid and a big flabby monster.

ELLEN
I think all that silicone you got in Beverly Hills has gone right to your brain.

GIGI
I don't have any silicone?

Ellen points to GiGi's boobs.

ELLEN
What about the warheads?

GIGI
They're the new adjustable air implants.

GiGi reaches into her own bra and tweaks a nipple. There's a low hiss and her breasts shrink to a more practical size.

ELLEN
Now that's convenient. Though the air smells funny.

GIGI
It's a little ripe. I'm actually supposed to change it once a week, but I got distracted. Sorry. That dream seemed so real. But why would I be dreaming of Pamela Anderson....?

CUT TO:

INT. LINCOLN BEDROOM --DAY
Baron lies in bed dressed like Hugh Hefner in silk jammies and smoking jacket. He's reading a PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

BARON
So... Penelope Cruz is single, eh? There's another name on the 'Replacement First Lady List.'

Enter Pam wheeling a cart containg Baron's medicated grease.

PAM
Time for your treatment.

BARON
The skanky way to start your day. Go right ahead nurse.

Pam greases up her hand and sticks down Baron's pants.

PAM (PARIS VOICE)
How does that feel, Boopsie?

BARON
My late wife called me Boopsie.

PAM (Paris Voice)
And little Baron seems happy.

BARON
She also called... wait a minute... are you possessed by the damned soul of my late wife?

PAM (Paris Voice)
Don't be silly boopsie. By the way. I've got something special planned for today.

The door opens and in walks REGAN, only the whites of her eyes are showing.

BARON
Hey no kids. I can't afford that after the incident in Orlando.

Pam/Paris tightens her grip on the President's groin.

PAM (Paris Voice)
Relax Boopsie. This will only take a moment.

REGAN (MJ's Voice)
Elohssa na si rensie leahcim!

BARON convulses and spasms on the bed. Then he lies very still for a beat.

Pam lets go of him and Baron sits up straight.

BARON (MJ's Voice)
I'd like some Jesus Juice and a trip to a little league game. Woo-Hoo!

REGAN (Courtney's Voice)
What about me you slimy fucks! I'm still stuck in this stupid kid!

PAM
Go find somebody to possess. We've got some scheming to do.

Regan/Courtney mutters some curses and leaves.

CUT TO:

INT. FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --DAY
RORY is busy trying to jimmy open one of D's filing cabinets.

RORY
Where did he put those pictures of...?

The door opens and Regan comes in. This surprises Rory and he drops his tools.

RORY
I was just looking for... wait a minute... What do you want?

REGAN (Courtney's Voice)
Are you that fucker Furious D?

RORY
Who wants to know?

REGAN (Courtney's Voice)
Fucking close enough!

Regan's head spins a perfect 360. Causing Rory to scream like a little girl and hop on top of the filing cabinet.

REGAN (Courtney's Voice)
Trevrep a si rehcamuhcs leoj!

Rory convulses and falls off the cabinet and onto the floor. Regan also convulses and passes out on the floor.

Rory rises up from behind Furious's desk and looks at himself in a mirror on the wall.

RORY (Courtney's Voice)
Damn. I thought Furious D was drop dead sexy. This guy's a bit of a dork.

CUT TO:

INT. DARK BASEMENT --DAY
Only a few shafts of sunlight cut throught the total darkness of this place. Something big and slimy shuffles towards a wall. A tentacle pushes in a brick. The whole wall recedes, revealing a hi-tech glass case. Inside is the jar containing The President's original equipment.

MONSTROUS VOICE (OS)
I found you master!

PENIS JAR
Excellent Morgo! Now we will show them who's the real boss! Bwah-hah-hah!

TO BE CONTINUED::eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Furious D]

INT. ELLEN'S HUMVEE --DAY
Ellen's driving down the streets of Washington. GiGi's in the passenger seat inflating her new breasts with a bicycle pump.

ELLEN
We're almost home. It'll be good to see the boys again.

GIGI
Yeah, it feels like we've been gone weeks.

ELLEN
All right, I can't read a map! I said I was sorry! We better check in with Baron.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Baron, now wearing a long black wig and a spangly leather jacket, is moonwalking across the Oval Office floor.

Pam/Paris is busy fixing her nails.

PAM/PARIS
Where's Courtney, she's supposed to have possessed Furious D by now?

BARON/MJ
Who cares?

PAM/PARIS
Who cares if the most dangerous man in the world is running free? Remember what he did to Latoya's career?

Rory/Love enters the office looking pretty proud of himself.

RORY/LOVE
I possessed Furious D everybody, now can I get some Vicodin?

PAM/PARIS
You're not in Furious D, you idiot! You possessed the Press Secretary!

RORY/LOVE
Shit! Why was this guy in D's office?

CUT TO:

INT. OUTSIDE FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --DAY
Furious D runs into Ellen and GiGi.

FURIOUS D
Look who's back. It's good to see you. (to Ellen) You're as lovely as always. (to GiGi) Love the new rack.

GIGI
Thanks. It's silicone free.

There's a loud raspberry noise and both Gigi's boobs deflate slightly.

FURIOUS D
Did your breasts just fart?

ELLEN
Long story.

FURIOUS D
Come on into my office. I'll mix up some welcome home martinis.

INT. D'S OFFICE--CONTINUOUS
Regan lies passed out on the floor. Also one of D's desk drawers has been forced open.

ELLEN
Who's the kid?

Regan wakes up.

REGAN
Oh, no! It wasn't a dream!

GIGI
What's happening?

Furious D picks up the tool that was used to force open his desk drawer.

FURIOUS D
It's obvious isn't it. This child was possessed by the damned souls of Courtney Love, Paris Hilton and Michael Jackson. Paris Hilton possessed Pam Anderson. Then Michael Jackson then possessed Baron, and the Courtney Love possessed Rory in this office thinking he was me.

ELLEN
How do you figure that Sherlock?

FURIOUS D
It's elementary my dear Ellen. This tool is the one Rory uses for all his prying and jimmying. Judging by the scuffs on my filing cabinet he was trying to find the lost nude photos of Bea Arthur that are kept under lock and key as a weapon of mass destruction. Only being possessed by a drug addled rock star could have stopped him and make him force open this drawer where I keep my stash of illegal drugs.

GIGI
Why do you have a stash of illegal drugs?

FURIOUS D
I use it for framing Robert Downey Jr., isn't that obvious?

ELLEN
What do we do? Baron's scheduled to meet a troupe of Boy Scouts tomorrow, that could get ugly.

Furious D opens a drawer in his filing cabinet.

FURIOUS D
You girls go get the guns from the Hummer.

Furious D then takes out a black case marked: WILLIAM PETER BLATTY'S INSTANT EXCORCISM KIT and puts on a white priest's collar.

FURIOUS D
I'll take care of Baron and Rory.

REGAN
What can I do?

FURIOUS D
Go grab a gun. I'm sure we'll find somebody for you to kill.

Regan goes 'Whoopee' and leaves with Ellen and Gigi

FURIOUS D
So it begins...

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Pam/Paris, Baron/MJ and Rory/Love are all in the oval office practising the moonwalk.

BARON/MJ
It's easy, just slide your foot back. Like this.

PAM/PARIS
I don't think you can do it in 6 inch stiletto heels.

The door bursts open and in walks Furious D, in black robes, followed by Ellen, Gigi and Regan.

FURIOUS D
Blast Pam. I'll reposess Baron and Rory.

GIGI
I get first shot!

Gigi pulls out a tommy gun and sprays Pam/Paris.

GIGI
This is for VIP!

REGAN
Furious! Gigi's hogging the killing!

FURIOUS D
Wound Rory.

Regan kneecaps Rory/Love who falls down.

RORY/LOVE
Now I really need morphine and I'm all out!

BARON/MJ
I'm innocent. I'm just sleeping over...

Furious D smacks Baron/MJ across the head with a big wooden cross.

FURIOUS D
Get thee sinful arse back to the infernal pit from which ye came!

Furious D then smacks Rory/Love on the head with the cross.

FURIOUS D
You to druggie!

CUT TO:

EXT. SALT LAKE CITY PARK --DAY
Michael Jackson and Courtney Love fall face first on the grass where they're greeted by a now bloody and bullet riddled Pam Anderson and Paris Hilton.

PAM
Thanks a lot you dickweeds. You ruined my plans for a new season of Stripperella.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Baron's in his chair while PARAMEDICS take the wounded Rory away. Other attendants dump Pam Anderson in a sack.

BARON
I can't believe I was possessed by that pasty faced pedophile.

FURIOUS D
It's all over now.

BARON
Now I'm gonna need a new nurse. Where can I find someone properly skanky.

FURIOUS D
I'll see who's available.

Suddenly the sky outside goes dark. Lightning flashes.

There's a flash and a puff of smoke, and GANDALF THE GAY appears. He looks like Ian McKellen, but his robes are more colourful and beautifully tailored.

GANDALF
Baron! Is it secret? Is it safe?

BARON
What's secret? What's safe?

GANDALF
The Presidential Wang!

ELLEN
That's never been secret, and rarely safe.

GANDALF
You must come with me to Muddle Earth! Great evil is coming and only you can stop it!

BARON
Oh shit!

TO BE CONTINUED IN THE EPIC SAGA:
LORD OF THE WANGS

[Furious D]

EXT. BATTLEFIELD --DAWN
Two armies, one made of Elves and Humans the other of slimy Dorcs, stand facing each other across the barren rocky plain.

ELLENDRIEL(VO)
In the second age of Giggleshits, on the great Field of Kobkorn an army of Elves and Men marched out to face the evil of Bauron, Dark Lord of Odour, the foulest smelling Dark Lord in all of Muddle Earth.

An Elf Leader, ElRae, stands in front of his archers and raises his sword.

ELRAE
(scottish accent)
Ach laddies! Time to skewer dem wee Dorc bastards! Aim!

The Dorc army charges.

ELRAE
Fire!

Thousands of arrows rocket past ElRae's head. Dorcs start to fall by the dozens. Then ElRae's head jerks and he turns around, revealing an arrow stuck in the back of his head.

ELRAE
Hoot mon! Wha' da hell wa'that? It friggin' hurts!

An Elf Archer puts his bow behind his back and look embarrassed.

ELF ARCHER
Sorry.

ELRAE
Ye shoot like a poovy Welshman! Shoot them!
(feels woozy)
Does any one else see any fekkin spots?

More arrows fire, more Dorcs fall. Then the human and elf infantry move in. It's a bloody Dorc slaughter jamboree.

ELLENDRIEL (VO)
Bauron's army had fallen, and it looked like victory for the side of good had finally come. But Bauron had one trick up his sleeve, or to be more exact, down his pants...

A hush falls on the battlefield. Everyone turns and stare at BAURON, a massive armoured demon with an immense steel codpiece.

ELLENDRIEL (VO)
It was the Wang. The one Wang from which all others are compared and unfairly judged. Nothing could stop it.

Bauron laughs evilly and opens up the steel codpiece. There's a flash of blinding light and elves and men start flying in all directions.

One human GELDERMOYLE stumbles and falls at Bauron's feet. Bauron steps on the blade of his sword and is about to open his codpiece again...

ELLENDRIEL(VO)
All seemed lost, except for one brave human named Geldermoyle...

Geldermoyle pulls on his sword, the blade snaps, but he takes to broken blade and shoves it into into Bauron's codpiece. Bauron's evil laugh turns into a shriek of agony.

ELLENDRIEL (VO)
With the swipe of his sword Peckerwrecker he separated Bauron from the source of his power.

There's another blinding flash, and Bauron's empty armour falls in a smoking heap.

BARON (VO)
God, are there any chicks in this video?

CUT TO:

EXT. SHIRE ROAD --DAY
Baron is sitting on the back of Gandalf's brightly decorated wagon watching the battle scene on a portable DVD player.

GANDALF
It's very important exposition. You know, backstory...

BARON
Fine, are we there yet?

GANDALF
Almost. Look here he comes.

DILDO BAGGINS comes up over a hill. He's a hobbit with big feet, but he's over 6 feet tall.

DILDO
Gandalf you old cad, what brings you to the Shire?

GANDALF
I've brought Baron the President of the USA.

DILDO
Just like prophecy stated. I thought he'd be taller.

BARON
I thought Hobbits were supposed to be short, and aren't you the same actor who plays Furious D?

DILDO
We blew the budget on that battle scene. I suppose you're after the Wang that cannot be named...

BARON
What, you mean Little Baron?

GANDALF
Ssssshhhh!

DILDO
The flab monster Morgo appeared in Muddle Earth last night carrying the Wang. He was heading to Brie.

GANDALF
That's bad. That village is crawling with the spies of Odour and mouldy cheese.

DILDO
Relax, I've got some of my friends on it. Let me load up my gear and we can join them.(Calls out) Erbenz Gumbee! Get your ass out here!

Erbenz Gumbee comes out carrying a load of heavy luggage.

ERBENZ
Yes Master Baggins.

Merry and Pippin pop up from behind a bush.

MERRY & PIPPIN
Can we join in your little adventure?

Dildo passes a nasty looking sword to Baron.

DILDO
Will you do the honours?

BARON
Sure, this show already has enough comic relief.

With one swipe Baron beheads both Merry and Pippin.

BARON
Let's get this show on the road. I'm looking to kick some Dark Lord Ass.

ERBENZ
Is it me, or are we going to alot of trouble for some cheap dick jokes...

DILDO
Did anyone ask you your opinion. Now let's roll!

The wagon starts rolling down the road again.

A SHADOWY FIGURE spies on them from a spot in the bushes.

SHADOWY FIGURE
Brie....

TO BE CONTINUED::D

[The Baron]

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT., THE OPEN ROAD - DAY.

Gandalf, Baron, Dildo and Erbenz Gumbee are plodding along on hobbit horses, while Baron makes a point to Erbenz.

BARON
So, you see, dick jokes are the backbone to great humor, and great power. I was elected President on the merits of good dick jokes. Hell, Kevin Smith has made a career out of them.

ERBENZ
Oooo...

BARON
That's right, kid. Learn to write funny dick jokes, and you could become Muddle Earth's first filmmaker.

Baron looks around and sees Dildo and Gandalf lighting their pipes.

BARON (muttering to himself)
Bogartin' motherfuckers.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a baggie and some rolling papers...

GANDALF
We should reach Brie just after nightfall, and none-too-soon for me. My hemorroids are killing me.

Baron finishes rolling a doobie, twists the ends and hands it to Erbenz.

BARON (to Erbenz)
Here... Spark this.
(to Gandalf)
So explain to me again why we didn't bring your Miata.

GANDALF
Besides the fact that we couldn't possibly all fit in it, we're trying to keep a low profile.

BARON
Low profile? In that case, you might want to turn off that Barbra Streisand cd.

GANDALF
How about Judy Garland?

DILDO
How about not!

GANDALF (under his breath)
Breeders...

Gandalf switches off his cd player. We hear the sounds of a spring day: birds chirping, the buzzing of insects, the breeze in the leaves of the trees. Suddenly, it all stops. Absolute silence. A low pitch hum can be just barely heard.

ERBENZ (taking another hit)
What's that? Man, this shit is potent!

GANDALF
Quiet!

The hum is getting louder. We can make out a few muddled phrases, including "New World Order," "stay the course," and "bomb the brown people."

DILDO
The Dark Riders!!!

GANDALF
Everybody, dismount and into the underbrush! Now!

They all jump from their horses and run off to the side of the road, laying in the thick undergrowth of the forest. Just as they get themselves situated, SEVEN RIDERS silently gallop up the road, muttering hacknied catch-phrases and sniffing the air. These are the BUSHGHOULS. They all wear matching grey suits with white shirts and grey ties. They dismount, and one of them finds the smouldering roach that Erbenz dropped on the road. He holds it aloft, and lets out a blood-curdling scream. The other riders look at him, see the roach, and add their voices to the scream. They search the road, and sniff around the edges of the underbrush, hoping to catch the scent of their prey. The odor of their rotting souls fills the air with a stench so foul, that our four heroes can barely contain themselves in their hiding places. Seemingly thwarted, the Bushghouls try one last ploy, to try to lure their prey from hiding: they drop bags of rock cocaine and heroin around the road, then wait. As they wait, all the foliage around them begins to wilt and brown; the air grows hazy, and trash builds up on the road itself. Birds drop from the trees around them, and the hobbit horses keel over. Finally, the seven riders mount, and ride off down the road. Gandalf raises his head, then stands.

GANDALF
They're gone. For now.

The others emerge onto the road.

BARON
Who the fuck were they?

DILDO
The Bushghouls. It's believed that they were once human... but you couldn't prove that by me. They say that they were rulers of the military/industrial complex, but lost power due to the minds of the people opening to the truth, so they came here to work for Bauron. They used foul poisons to control the people, like the crack and heroin you see thrown about here, while outlawing the sacraments of Nature. They believe Nature is pagan and evil, so they pollute in the name of profit.

BARON
That's fucked up.

ERBENZ
Word.

GANDALF
Yes, well, enough of political commentary. We had better get walking.

DILDO
What's wrong with political commentary?

GANDALF
Nothing. But the writer is backed-up and he's being terribly heavy-handed. It's just not funny.

BARON
Yeah, well... When you're right, you're right.

DILDO
So... Which way, old fudge-packer?

GANDALF
We continue to follow the road to Brie. We have an assignation at the Inn of the Golden Arches.

BARON (aside to Erbenz)
I worry everytime he uses a word with "ass" in it.

ERBENZ
You and me both. And I'm low man on the totem pole.

DILDO
Lead on, wizard.

GANDALF
Follow the yellow brick road...

Gandalf begins singing the song from The Wizard of Oz.

BARON
Cripes, he really is Gandalf the GAY!

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT., THE GATES OF BRIE - NIGHT.

An elderly GATEKEEPER dozes inside the gates of the village of Brie. He's awaken by the sound of pounding on the outer side of the gate. The Gatekeeper slides open a panel in the gate and peers out to find Gandalf, Dildo, Baron and Erbenz seeking entry.

GATEKEEPER
Who goes there?

GANDALF
Four weary travellers who seek food and shelter for the night.

GATEKEEPER
What is the password?

BARON
Duck.

GATEKEEPER
No, that's not -

He's cut off by Baron's big-ass sword cutting through the open panel and into the Gatekeeper's head.

BARON
That was a suggestion, not the password.

Baron pulls out his sword, and wipes the gore from the blade.

DILDO
Oh, that's just great! Now how do we get inside?

GANDALF
Like this...
(more)

Gandalf pulls the iron ring in a smaller door in the gate, and it opens out with no trouble.

GANDALF
What a waste of good bribe money.

We follow them into the darkened streets of Brie, in search of their destination.

BARON (sniffing the air)
Man, this place is rank.

DILDO
Be glad we didn't have to meet anyone in the hamlet of Limburger.

GANDALF
I love the scent of Brie.

ERBENZ (under his breath)
Yeah, 'cause it smells like ass.

GANDALF
We're here!

They look up to see a sign above a doorway. The sign is shaped like an "M" made up of two golden arches. Gandalf knocks at the door. The door opens out, and as it does, from inside we hear a techno remix of Y.M.C.A. by the Village People. Amidst the "unst-unst-unst", the doorman, dressed in a black leather executioner's costume screams upon recognizing the knocker...

DOORMAN
Gandy, you old queen! Where have you been, Sweetie?

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. THE GOLDEN ARCHES --NIGHT
Gandalf enters followed by Baron, Dildo, and Erbenz who is burdened by carrying all the luggage.

GANDALF
Oh, I've been here and there. Spent a lovely weekend in Hyperborea antiqueing.

DOORMAN
That Cimmerian rough trade's a little too rough for me. So I guess the big prophecy's brought you back to Brie.

GANDALF
Yes, have my friends arrived.

DOORMAN
There over there with the Elf breeders.

Dildo walks over to a table where Gigiwyn, Ellendriel, Rorymir and Araporn are sitting. Araporn is called Astroglider for now.

DILDO
Good to see you guys made it. Where's Legolas?

ELLENDRIEL
We decided not to take along anyone more effeminate than Gigiwyn and me. Especially in this place.

DILDO
This used to be called "The Mincing Pony" but they thought it was little too on the button. Baron, I'd like you to meet Ellendriel, Queen of the Kosher Elves, this is Gigiwyn, Princess of the Elves of Rod-Red-Gweez...

BARON
Hello ladies. I'm the president of the USA. And despite the fact that I'm travelling with Gandalf, I'm all man and I love the pointy little ears.

GIGIWYN
You're the keeper of the Wang?

BARON
Kind of...

DILDO
He lost it. We're here to intercept the flab monster Morgo.

RORYMIR
Flab monster?

ELLENDRIEL
How do you lose your wang?

DILDO
Long, tacky and pretty tasteless story. I'll get you a copy of the script. Now can I finish my introductions. This is Rorymir of Honda and Astroglider the Ranger.

BARON
I don't wanna know what kind of Ranger he is.

ARAPORN
I'm a forest ranger.

DILDO
Where's Gigli?

ARAPORN
He's at the house of ElRae waiting for us to bring the wang. Now where is Morgo?

As if on cue a flabby tentacle blasts through a wall and grabs the Doorman.

DOORMAN
Help me!

BARON
I think that's him!

Everybody draws their swords and charge at the flab monster.

There's a battle royale as swords, furniture and bits of flab moster go flying everywhere.

Baron lets out a mighty battle cry and slices open the monster. The jar containg the Wang plops out and he scoops it up.

BARON
I got it! I got Little Baron back!

EVERYBODY
SSSSSSSHHHHH!

Morgo the flab monster gives one last convulsion and dies.

GANDALF
This is very serious. I must go to Eisnergard and speak to Jmoruman the Pasty.

BARON
Is he a wise wizard?

GANDALF
Not really, he's more like a wizard savant. But he does know a lot about wangs.

DILDO
I suggest the rest of us get to ElRae's house.

ARAPORN
Are we in more danger?

DILDO
No, I just don't want to have to clean up this mess.

GANDALF
I'll meet you all there. Until then, adieu!

Gandalf heads out the door.

RORYMIR
I'll get the horses.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMPSITE --NIGHT
The Fellowship is roughing it on a mountain peak. Erbenz is deep frying some food over a fire.

GIGIWYN
Where'd you get the fat for the fryer?

ERBENZ
It was around...

Araporn sniffs something in the air.

ARAPORN
That smell...

DILDO
I smell it too Astroglider.

RORYMIR
Did someone cut the cheese?

Dildo and Araporn draw their swords. Everyone else follows suit.

DILDO
It's the Fart Riders!

ELLENDRIEL
I thought they were Bushghouls?

DILDO
Only when someone makes a political statement. The rest of the time they're the font of all fart jokes.

There's the sound of a seven loud ripping raspberries. Everybody gets a whiff of something extra nasty. Erbenz's cooking fire almost explodes.

BARON
Where are they?

Seven Fart Riders in billowing black robes come out of the shadows.

BARON
Ask a stupid question...

A big battle ensues with everyone forming a circle to protect Baron and the Wang.

The air is filled with the sounds of swords clanging and farts.

Baron trips and falls. A Fart Rider jabs him in the shoulder.

BARON
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

Erbenz pulls a torch from the fire and holds it up behind one of the Fart Riders...

BOOM!

The Fart Rider cuts loose causing himself and his compatriots to shoot off into the night like a rocket.

ARAPORN
He's hurt! Baron's hurt!

Baron's lying on the ground. He looks pale and he's farting like crazy.

ARAPORN
Damn Bushghoul blade. It'll turn him into a gaseous ghoul if we don't get to ElRae's on time.

DILDO
Damn, as if he wasn't already a windbag.

Baron's head spins and everything goes black.

CUT TO:

INT. ELRAE'S HOUSE --DAY
Baron wakes up. And there's Gandalf and ElRae.

BARON
Gandalf. You're here.

GANDALF
Barely thanks to that li'l bastard Jmoruman.

ELRAE
Ach, that be bad news laddie. I dinna like it.

ElRae turns his head to reveal that the arrow is still stuck in the back, and it brushes several knickknacks off a shelf. ElRae doesn't notice.

BARON
How long was I out?

GANDALF
The wound only put you out for a night. Then you found the key to ElRae's liquor cabinet, that was a week ago.

BARON
Now I remember. Sort of...

ELRAE
Ye peed on my azaleas ye muckah!

BARON
Did you know you've got an arrow in your head?

GANDALF
Don't worry about the arrow. ElRae's fine, just don't ask him any tricky math questions. The council must meet to discuss what to do with the Wang.

CUT TO:

INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER --DAY
Gandalf, ElRae, Ellendriel, Gigiwyn, Araporn, Gigli the Dwarf, Rorymir, Dildo and Baron sit in the chamber, the jar containing the Wang is on a table in the centre of the room.

GANDALF
We have no alternative. We must destroy the Wang.

RORYMIR
But how?

GANDALF
The wang must be smuggled into the heart of Odour itself. Then it must be shoved into the Cracks of Doom. That will destroy the Wang and Bauron himself.

BARON
Hey, I just got it back, I'm not going to let anyone shove it up some crack!

DILDO
It must be done. Besides, you have a replacement.

BARON
Yeah, but there's a lot of sentimental...

GANDALF
This is no time for sentiment. It must be destroyed.

BARON
All right. I'll take it myself, because no one touches Li'l Baron.

EVERYONE
SSSSSSHHHHHHH!

BARON
Now Gandalf. Why don't you tell us what happened in Eisnergard?

GANDALF
I bring bad tidings....

CUT TO:

EXT. ORCSPANK --DAY (FLASHBACK)
Gandalf rides up singing broadway showtunes. He's greeted at the entrance by JMORUMAN THE PASTY.

GANDALF
I bring news about the Wang.

JMORUMAN
I know Jmoruman knows all!

GANDALF
Then why did I bother riding all the way here?

JMORUMAN
Plot device.

Jmoruman clunks Gandalf on the head with his sceptre, knocking Gandalf out cold.

JMORUMAN
Now we'll see who the real Lord of the Wangs really is! Bwuah-hah-hah!

TO BE CONTINUED:

[erbenz]

EXT-Top of Jmoruman's Castle/Orcspank-Night
Gandalf's looks down to see a Jmoruman ordering Bauron's dorc's to cut down all the trees. Gandalf realises that jmoruman is trying to create an army called Perved-Guys

Gandalf (VO)
Then I realised I had to jump on to the ultra powerful butterflies back so he could take me back to safety.

Fade Out to Council

Rorymir
You expect us to believe you're ridiculous bull shit story

GIGLI
Do not underestimate the connections of the Gay Trust. Cos' in Gay we trust

GANDALF
Using the latest device for gay wizards, a mobile phone, a managed to call the Queer Eye's, who sent me a helium Butterfly which I directed to here.

BARON
What the fuck have you been on today?

ELRAE (trying to calm things down)
What matter's is that Gandalf's safe.

DILDO (Angry)
No it doesn't. What matter's is that we stop using exposition. It killed Star Wars Ep I.

ELRAE
All those who want to go with Baron, stand up and walk over to him.

GIGLI
After all the bashing I've got from my name, I shall redeem myself by going on this quest.

DILDO
Of Course I'm going, I'm the frickin writer

GIGIWYN
Can I come?

Elrae ignores GiGi

ARAPORN
I shall go on this quest to reclaim my throne in Quandor

ERBENZ
Can I come

DILDO
Sure, you can be the chef and slave

GIGIWYN & ELLENDRIEL
I'm not gonna go on a quest with a bunch of big headed/proud and arrogant men.

ELRAE
That was My Point. But to get rid of you, I'll send ya with them .You shall be the Fellowship of the Wang. Now get out of my land

EXT-BUSHLAND-DAY
The Fellowship has stopped for a rest and Araporn notices a bunch of crow flying over them. The fellowship hide and when the crows fly over the fellowship, the crows shit/droppings land all over the Fellowship, in particular Gandalf the Gay who is unconscious.

GIGIWYN
Gandalf. wake up Gandalf

Gandalf is singing in his sleep the YMCA

GANDALF
Yes. Oh' sorry, my dreams told me that Jmoruman is going to attack us if we go over the mountains. We must go to the Mine's of Hysteria

EXT-Outside the Mines of Hysteria-EVENING
The Fellowship are about the enter when a big whale in the lake behind them named Keiko stops them from entering.

KEIKO
If you enter the one named DILDO, will fall into my hands

Fellowship ignores him and Keiko grabs DILDO

KEIKO
See what I mean

DILDO
Help!!!

TO BE CONTINUED

[Furious D]

Keiko swallows Dildo.

ARAPORN
That's it for him.

RORYMIR
Dibs on his stuff.

BARON
I want the pipe-weed you dill-hole.

GANDALF
Look! The blowhole!

Keiko's blowhole explodes showering everyone in mutant whale bits.

Dildo emerges, bloody, but unbowed, with his sword in hand.

DILDO
Some help you guys are. Come on, we're supposed to be the good guys here.

BARON
Gandalf, can you read the Dwarvish riddle?

GANDALF
Of course I can. It says "Speak friend and enter."

DILDO
Enough of this magic riddle bull-shit.

Dildo opens the large pack strapped to Erbenz's back and takes out a wad of C-4 plastic explosive.

GIGIWYN
Talk about going in with a bang.

ELLENDRIEL
Talk about using an obvious gag.

Dildo sets the bomb at the base of the door.

DILDO
Speak this, magic door!

BOOM!

The door blasts open.

BARON
Noisy, destructive, but effective.

GIGLI
You know, you could have just knocked.

CUT TO:

INT. MINES OF HYSTERIA --NIGHT
They enter the dark and mysterious caves. It's deathyl quiet.

GIGLI
This is the home of my cousin Bjorn. A most prominent dwarf.

BARON
If he's so prominent, why is everyone dead?

Gandalf lights up his staff and reveals a bunch of dead dwarf skeletons.

GANDALF
Shall we turn back?

ARAPORN
The way before is dangerous.

RORYMIR
We should take the path to Quandor. It'll be safer.

DILDO
Yeah, and it'll be one boring movie.

RORYMIR
(pointing to Baron's jar)
All this trouble, for so small a thing.

BARON
Hey, you looking for a can of whoop-ass?

GANDALF
We must go forward. The script demands it.

They head down the dark passageway.

ELLENDRIEL
I hope we meet some Dorcs. I'm itching for a real fight.

BARON
Be careful what you wish for sweety.

With a shift in the light we see that they're surrounded by Dorcs.

GIGIWYN
Damn. I don't want to get blood on my good shirt.

DILDO
Erbenz, give Gigiwyn a spare shirt.

ERBENZ
Yes master.

Erbenz pulls a shirt out of the massive backpack.

DILDO
Not one of my shirts. It could get stained or ripped. One of your shirts.

ERBENZ
I only have one shirt.

DILDO
Sometimes I think I spoil you.

Dildo yanks the shirt of Erbenz's back and passes it to Gigiwyn.

GIGIWYN
Thank you Dildo. You're so chivalrous.

DILDO
Ladies love having Dildo around. Now let's fight.

Everyone lets out a battle cry and a big battle royale starts.

Ellendriel takes out a bow and arrow and starts taking down Dorcs like a machine gun.

Araporn, Baron, Rorymir, Dildo, Gandalf, and Gigiwyn use swords. Gigli uses an ax, and Erbenz whacks them with an iron skillet.

Dorc parts are flying in all direction.

Thousands more stream into the passage.

Suddenly the Dorcs pause in their attack. A loud roar emerges from the depths of the cavern. The Dorcs scream and flee in fear.

ELLENDRIEL
What was that?

GANDALF
Something terrible. Most terrible. A creature of unimaginable evil and horror.

BARON
Is it a Balrog?

ELLENDRIEL
I'll bet it's going to be a dick-joke.

GANDALF
It's the dreaded Balsac! Run!

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

BARON
Balsac?

BALZAC (OS)
Oui!

The Fellowship turn to find a diminutive Frenchman with a notebook and pen walking towards them.

BALZAC
And eet ees Balzac, wis ze "Zed." Honore de Balzac, at your service.

BARON
This guy worries you?

GANDALF
Good heavens, man! Didn't you take French Lit in college?

ARAPORN
Run! He'll put us all to sleep, and we'll never get the Wang to the Crack of Doom! We'll sleep until the end of the semester! Death by boredom!

BAZAC
Oui. And now Ah shall rid to you mah story of "Pere Goriot."

BARON
Not on my watch.

Baron draws "Veronica," his ever-faithful .9 mm Beretta from his waistband, and puts two right between Bazac's eyes. The author falls backwards into death.

FELLOWSHIP MEMBERS
Oooo... Aaaahhh...

BARON
What are you guys? A bunch of Art History majors?

The others hum and haw.

ARAPORN
I, uh, dropped out of Minas Tirith Community College.

GANDALF
Yes, but no one ever did for gay porn what you did under the name of "Dick Ryder."

ARAPORN
Ssh!

GANDALF
That money-shot you took from Alan Cage should have won the AVN Award, I don't care what anyone says.

ARAPORN
Yeah, okay, thanks. Now, shut the fuck up.

ELLENDRIEL
Do you guys smell something?

They all sniff the air.

RORYMIR
Yeah, it smells like a locker room in here.

GIGLI
Oh, crap!

Gigli points behind them, and all turn to see what appears to be a scrotum on two huge legs... A scrotum THREE STORIES TALL!!! It's the BALSAC.

BARON
I've got an idea.

GIGIWYN
What?

BARON
Run like hell!

The members of the Fellowship beat feet farther into the bowels of Muddle Earth, with the Balsac close on their heels. Down, down they run, until they come to a crumbling bridge of stone.

ERBENZ
Master Dildo! What do we do now?

DILDO
Don't ask me... I soiled my tights on that last sprint.

ELLENDRIEL
Someone kick it. That usually works.

All the men wince at the thought.

GANDALF
Across the bridge! Hurry! I'll keep the Balsac busy.

DILDO
Gandalf, no! What if-

GANDALF
I know how to handle Balsacs, Honey! Puh-leeze!

ERBENZ
Yeah, apparently so does Araporn.

GANDALF
Go! Now!

The Balsac is rolling up closer, descending the stone stairway one step at a time. Baron, Ellendriel, Gigiwyn, Dildo, et. al. make their way to the other side of the bridge. They turn to see the Balsac reach the bottom step.

ARAPORN (to Gandalf)
Flee, motherfucker! Flee!

Gandalf turns and gives the Fellowship a sad smile, then turns back to the approaching Balsac.

GANDALF
You shall not pass!
(more)

The Balsac rears back, sizing up Gandalf. The wizard produces a handful of gold coins, and holds them up to the Balsac, tempting it.

GANDALF
You SHALL NOT pass!!!

The Balsac takes the bait, and tea-bags Gandalf! The old wiz is enveloped in the folds of the Balsac, as the weight of the creature dropping on the bridge causes the stone to break away. Gandalf and the Balsac fall down into the seemingly bottomless maw of Hell below.

DILDO
Oh, Gandalf.

BARON
He was a brave wizard.

ERBENZ
Yeah. He had some balls on him.
(more)

Everyone just turns and looks at Erbenz Gumbee with a wilting "oh-you-did-not-just-say-that" look.

ERBENZ
Hey, fuck you guys. I didn't write this shit.

ARAPORN
We can't stay here.

GIGLI
Yo, we just lost a member of the Fellowship.

ELLENDRIEL
No, Araporn's right. We have to keep going. It's what Gandalf would have wanted.

With that, the Fellowship turns their collective back on the pit, and moves on. As they walk, they begin, one at a time, to sing the "Sacred Funeral Dirge of the Gay Wizards".

ARAPORN
It's raining men...

Gigiwyn joins in.

ARAPORN & GIGIWYN
Hallelujah, it's raining men..

The others join in, as we...

FADE TO BLACK.

ELLENDRIEL (OS)
Dammit! I gotta pee.

BARON (OS)
Great. Everybody... Hold up. Princess Peanut-Bladder needs to make another pit-stop.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

EXT. OUTSIDE HYSTERIA GATES --DAY
The sun is rising as our heroes emerges from the other end of Hysteria. The area's surrounded on all sides by deep dark woods.

ARAPORN
Look you can go pee in the woods.

ELLENDRIEL
Do I look like a bear to you?

BARON
That depends on the time of the month...

Baron's sentiments are cut off by a swift kick to his nuts by Ellendriel.

ELLENDRIEL
Can the smart mouth!

BARON
Aaaaaaagh. I only just got those... Ooooooohhhh....

ELLENDRIEL
I'm going to pee in those woods, and no Rorymir, you can't watch.

RORYMIR
Dammit!

Ellendriel walks into the woods.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST --LATER
Ellendriel is washing her hands in a stream, when she looks up and sees... LEGOLESS, an unbelievably pretty male elf, the 13 year old girl in Ellendriel goes into a swoon.

ELLENDRIEL
Ooooh, you're so good looking....

LEGOLESS
Yes I am. You're not so bad yourself. You elvish ears remind me of me.

ELLENDRIEL
You're so cute, and since the Fellowship seems packed with a bunch of duds, except for that sexy hobbit Dildo, how about we go for a quick one?

LEGOLESS
Sure.

In an instant Legoless's tights are off, and both he and Ellendriel dive into some bushes. There's a lot of huffing and puffing.

ELLENDRIEL(OS)
Oh, Legoless! Tickle my Silmarillion! Oh baby!

LEGOLESS(OS)
(Orgasmically loud) Oh Legoless!

ELLENDRIEL(OS)
Did you just call out your own name?

LEGOLESS(OS)
Yes, shouldn't I? I am the most pretty elf in all of Muddle Earth.

ELLENDRIEL (OS)
I don't believe this.

Ellendriel comes out of the bushes, adjusting her bodice.

LEGOLESS
What's wrong?

ELLENDRIEL
Go fuck yourself!

LEGOLESS
If I could I would!

ELLENDRIEL storms off back to the direction of the Fellowship. Legoless takes out a mirror.

LEGOLESS
(to reflection) Hello baby....

Legoless descends back into the bush, and it start rocking again.

CUT TO:

INT. JMORUMAN'S LAIR --DAY
Jmoruman is watching the whole Elledriel/Legoless scene on his Palantir Seeing Stone. He's annoyed that she's left.

JMORUMAN
Damnit! She left before the good part. Well, she'll get her just punishment. Edgetongue! Get your toadying ass in here!

SEEDY EDGETONGUE comes into the room. He's a nasty looking scrofulent little fellow.

SEEDY
My name's Seedy Master Jmoruman.

JMORUMAN
Get back to Rohan-Atkinson. I'll be fielding my Perv-Ed Guy Army and I don't want that senile fool interfering with my plans.

SEEDY
Yes master.

JMORUMAN
Little does the fellowship know that it's gone into a land housing terrors darker than any Balsac. They've wandered into the land of REALITY TV STARS!:eek: Bwah-hah-hah!!!

CUT TO:

EXT. DARK FOREST --DAY
The forest is dark and murky and the Fellowship looks truly lost.

RORYMIR
Is this really the way?

ARAPORN
It's the shortest way to the Hershey Highway that will take us Odour.

GIGIWYN
How many bad jokes can they stuff into this parody?

ELLENDRIEL
I fear they've only just started.

Suddenly a naked middle aged man emerges from the forest. It's Survivor All-Star RICHARD NATCH.

NATCH
Hi! Welcome to the forest of Reality TV stars.

DILDO
Dear god! We've stumbled into hell!

BARON
Way to read a map porno-boy.

ERBENZ
This is my only line. Shit.

DILDO
(to Natch) For the love all things decent! Put some fucking pants on!

NATCH
If you think I'm bad wait till you see what's coming next...

There's a rustle in the trees and out come ODOUROSA from THE APPRENTICE.

ODOUROSA
I'm Odourosa Nannygoat-Ballbust. And here I'm the Queen!

The Fellowship screams in terror.

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[erbenz]

Odourosa continues her speech

ODOUROSA
You have come with bad tidings. Gandalf should be here with his secret lover Richard Natch. Because he isn't here,you each take an individual Reality TV challenge.

Fellowship begins to draw their swords but Richard Natch walks in front of the Fellowship, shocking them again. The Fellowship continues to listen to Odourosa

OODOUROSA
Baron, you must enter Middle Earth Idol. You will have sing-off against Kurt Nielsen

BARON
Shit

ODOUROSA
Ellendriel and GiGiwyn, you must make Richard Natch go straight again, in Temptation Forest (for Gays).

Ellendriel & Gigiwyn scream in horror

ODOUROSA
Dildo, you must choose out of 2 elf babes named Amen Superstar
and a freckly, pimply 2000 year old elf babe who will attack you if you choose Amen.

DILDO
That shan't be too hard

ODOUROSA
Gigli, you must eat through a dozen dead dorcs dicks in our version of Fear Factor

GIGLI
I've always had a thing for eating Dorcs hmm, dicks. What was that again? Dicks? I am very afraid of what may come of me eating such thing.

ODOUROSA
Araporn, you will compete with Legoless in Porn Idol, a contest where you have to show you have the moves to become a porn star by performing on our interactive dummies.

ARAPORN
At last, something I can easily do.

ODOUROSA
Erbenz, you must face a rigorous cook-off against Jamie Oliver, the Naked-Chef, except this time he's really nude.

ERBENZ
I wish I never wrote this ep.

FELLOWSHIP
Damn right you shall

ODOUROSA
Last but not least, Rorymir, you must suck up to Donald Rump by entering The Middle Earth apprentice.

RORYMIR
OK, two words. Fuck yourselves.

ODOUROSA
Before I leave, myself and Richard will hump two trees right in front of you to destroy your mental state of mind. And there's nothing you can do to stop us!!! Ha, Ha, Ha Ha...(so on and so forth)

TO BE CONTINUED

[Furious D]

EXT. FOREST --DAY
Gigiwyn and Ellendriel enter, to find Dildo sitting on a stump.

GIGIWYN
We blew our challenge. We couldn't make Richard go straight. And I even showed off my inflatable boobs. What man can resist inflatable boobs?

ELLENDRIEL
It would have been easier if he wasn't so, you know, repulsive.

GIGIWYN
How did you do choosing between the elf chicks?

DILDO
I was disqualified.

ELLENDRIEL
How?

DILDO
I slept with both of them. I figured I could make it into a win-win situation, but somebody didn't fully explain the rules. Oh well, at least the elf chicks were happy.

Erbenz enters looking dejected.

DILDO
How did your challenge go?

ERBENZ
It was cancelled. The Naked Chef tried to fry bacon.

EVERYBODY
Ouch!

Enter Rorymir, he too looks dejected.

RORYMIR
Damn rat soup eating honky muthafuckah!

ELLENDRIEL
Things didn't go well with Donald Rump?

RORYMIR
He was looking for competence. What kind of an American CEO looks for competence?

ELLENDRIEL
Now that's totally unreal!

Araporn enters.

GIGIWYN
At least tell me someone won something.

ARAPORN
The competition never started. Legoless tried to hump his reflection in the make-up mirror and bled to death from all the lacerations.

ELLENDRIEL
Somehow that seems fitting.

ARAPORN
I passed the Fear Factor set. Gigli misread the instruction and thought the show was Beer Factor. He's in a coma from alcohol poisoning.

DILDO
That leaves Baron in Muddle Earth Idol.

ELLENDRIEL
We're doomed. I heard him sing.

DILDO
Looks like someone needs Dildo.

GIGIWYN
When doesn't someone need a... oh, yeah... he could use your help.

CUT TO:

EXT. ORCSPANK TOWER --DAY
Jmoruman comes out onto his balcony, resplendent in his white robes. Before him lies a massive army of souped up Dorcs called the Perv-Ed-Guy.

JMORUMAN
Today my unholy legions, you will go out and slaughter your enemies. You will feast on man-flesh and their bloods will flow like rivers!

MRS. JMORUMAN (OS)
Honey! If you're sending out the Dorcs why don't you get one to go to the store?

JMORUMAN
I'm a little busy my little sugar beet. Can't this wait?

MRS. JMORUMAN(OS)
You're the one who's out of hemorhoid cream.

The dorcs giggle, earning them a dirty look from Jmoruman.

JMORUMAN
(to Dorcs)
Just go get me that wang!

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST STAGE --DAY
Host RYAN SEACRUST is doing the intros. Sitting at a table across from the stage is POLLY ABDROOL, HANDY JACKSEM, QUENTIN TARANTINO, OZZY OSBOURNE, and SIMON BOWEL.

RYAN
Welcome to Muddle Earth Idol. Tonight we're doing music from the movies with special guest judges Quentin Tarantino.

QT
Fuck yeah!

RYAN
And heavy metal legend Ozzy Osbourne.

OZZY
Weeble blod snook razza fuck.

RYAN
And now our first contestant. He's the president of the United States, and he's carrying a set of enchanted genitals in a jar- BARON!

Ryan leaves the stage and Baron comes on.

BARON
Tonight I'll be singing the "Love Theme from The Blair Witch Project." A-hem.
(to the tune of MY HEART WILL GO ON)
Oh, Blair Witch...
You give me a rare itch...
I love you like a sammich...
From Quizno's!
Thank you, thank you!

Baron bows.

HANDY
Yo dawg! You was da bomb!

POLLY
You were very good. You're choice of singing in a different key than the music was a brave choice.

Gigiwyn and Ellendriel are watching all this from the forest.

GIGIWYN
So far, so good.

ELLENDRIEL
Where's Dildo? He was supposed to be here.

QT
You were awful. No one could ever top Celine Dion's original performance of that song. God, get the fuck off my planet you stinking pile of shit that's been puked on!

BARON
Did you like it?

OZZY
Fuck zazoo bollocks webbel plonk.

BARON
I don't have a clue what you're saying could you nod if you liked it?

Ozzy shakes his head, makes himself dizzy and he passes out.

GIGIWYN
Damn this is bad.

ELLENDRIEL
I know. Simon will cut him to ribbons and we'll be trapped here forever.

SIMON
Now Baron you were absolutely aw... (Simon winces) Awesome! You were awesome! Aboslutely incredible. Your singing brought a tear to my eye.

CAMERA MOVES behind Simon, revealing Dildo holding a dagger to Simon's back.

DILDO
(whisper) That's right. You loved it, now smile for the people.

Simon smiles.

CUT TO:

EXT. RIVERBANK --DAY
Baron, Dildo, Ellendriel, Gigiwyn, Rorymir, Erbenz and Araporn are standing at the banks of a river.

BARON
We faced reality tv and only lost one dwarf and one elf. That's not bad.

DILDO
A much lower body count than The Surreal Life.

GIGIWYN
It's not like they added that much to the story anyway.

There's a roar and an army of Jmoruman's Perv-Ed Guy Dorcs come streaming out of the woods.

BARON
It's an ambush!

ELLENDRIEL
Oh great, and I gotta pee.

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

DILDO
Ideas, anyone? Now would be good.

ERBENZ
Baron, use the Wang!

BARON
I dare not.

Ellendriel is frantically searching for a bush.

ELLENDRIEL
Oh, this is just great! Surrounded by Perv-Ed Guys, and I can't find two square feet of privacy to winky.

SPFX SHOT: A burning lightbulb appears over Baron's head.

BARON
Ellendriel, just remember, this is for the future of Muddle Earth! Dildo, grab her arms!

Dildo takes Ellendriel's arms, while Baron grabs her around the waist, bends her over, and lifts her skirts.

ELLENDRIEL
Now just wait one damned minute!

The Perv-Ed Guys all stop dead in their tracks, and pull dollar bills from their pockets. So does Rorymir. They hold the currency aloft, in order to attract a good look.

BARON
Okay, Princess, think of a babbling brook, a silvery fountain. Now... MAKE!

Not unlike the opening of a fire hydrant, the high-powered stream strikes the Perv-Ed Guys. Baron's aim is uncanny. Jmoruman's armies begin to melt into puddles of goo, as Baron and Dildo pivot in a circle, striking down the oncoming hordes with the Elf Princess as their secret weapon. Those Perv-Ed Guys not reduced to steaming eddys of muck run willy-nilly into trees, knocking themselves out, having been blinded by the reflection off the glaringly white Elfin rump. The Perv-Ed Guys defeated, Baron and Dildo release Ellendriel. She straighens her skirts and slaps Dildo.

DILDO
Hey, what the fuck? It was Baron's idea!

She turns to Baron and raises her hand, but he interrupts her.

BARON
Save it, Princess. Look around you.

She looks around at the carnage, and realizes that her bladder, and Baron's quick thinking, saved them all from a nasty fate. We also see Rorymir going from Dorc to Dorc picking up the soggy dollars.

RORYMIR
Beer money.

GIGIWYN
But, how?

BARON
I remembered an old prophecy about the coming of the Perv-Ed Guys. The one thing that gets them every time... Elf Wizz.

ARAPORN
I just thought you were into water sports.

BARON
You wish, Twinkle-Toes.

ERBENZ
At least we didn't have to stoop to another dick joke.

DILDO
The episode's not over.

CUT TO:

EXT., DOWN-RIVER - NIGHT.

The Fellowship is gathered around a camp fire, having dined well, and are swapping yarns.

ARAPORN
... and that's one of the advantages of being a ranger. You learn how to hunt. So, at least as long as I'm with you all, we'll have fresh meat.

GIGIWYN
More "rat-on-a-stick," Dildo?

DILDO
No, I've had my fill, thanks to the "great white hunter" there.

BARON
So, Dildo. honestly... Hobbits aren't usually as tall as you. What's to scoop?

DILDO
Well, since we are a Fellowship, bound to one another, I might as well tell you all the truth. I'm not a Hobbit.

There's a murmur amongst the members of the merry band.

ALL (except Dildo)
Murmur, murmur, murmur...

DILDO
When I was seven years old, I was adopted by two kindly old Hobbits, Nickel and Ziploc Baggins. They gave me the Hobbit name of Dildo, and I took their family name as my own. Every day, growing up, I went through the ritual of having my unit bashed in the toilet seat, just like every other Hobbit boy.

ERBENZ
Uh, Master Dildo... I don't know any Hobbit boy who had that done to him.

An uncomfortable silence ensues.

RORYMIR
What was your name before the Baggins adopted you?

DILDO
My real name was... Toyota Jackson.

BARON
Toyota Jackson! Holy shit! I was possessed by the spirit of your paedophile brother!

ERBENZ (under his breath)
A likely excuse.

Behind a tree, just out of the reach of the light of the camp fire, a shadowy figure lurks, listening intently and whispering to himself.

SHADOWY FIGURE
Toy-o-ta! Nasty-wasty Bagginseseseses...

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

EXT. DOWN RIVER --DAY
Baron looks over the vast river. In the distance is the hundred foot high statues of the Kings of Quandor, made entirely of beer cans.

BARON
What are those?

ARAPORN
They're the statues of my ancestors, the kings of Quandor. Made entirely from a week's worth of empties.

BARON
Talk about heavy drinkers.

RORYMIR
Not really, it was American beer.

DILDO
Oh, that's all. Hardly enough to get a buzz. (sees a note sticking out of the wad of soiled dollar bills Rorymir is holding) What's that?

RORYMIR
Don't touch my money.

DILDO
There's a note there. (reads note) Oh boy. Looks like Jmoruman is going after the Kingdom of Rohan Atkinson.

ARAPORN
We must warn King Judethor.

ELLENDRIEL
How can we warn Judethor and stick the Wang into the Crack of Doom? They're in opposite directions.

GIGIWYN
Do you think we should split up?

BARON
I don't think we have a choice. Dildo, Ellendriel, and Erbenz will come with me into Odour.

DILDO
Thanks for giving me the option to volunteer.

BARON
Shut your hole Toyota. Now Gigiwyn, Rorymir and Araporn will warn Judethor and raise an army.

ARAPORN
You sure like to boss people around.

BARON
I got the Wang buddy-boy, so keep your trap shut. You should also get Quandor back into the action by warning the Steward about the Wang and Jmoruman's treachery.

Araporn is making a list.

ARAPORN
Just a second, let me get this all down.

BARON
Let's go folks. The apocalypse isn't going to be kept waiting.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST --DAY
Baron, Dildo, Erbenz and Ellendriel are walking through the woods.

ELLENDRIEL
Was it really that smart to split up like this?

DILDO
Probably not, but we have to work in Quandor & Rohan Atkinson somehow.

Dildo stops.

DILDO
Did you hear that. A twig snapped...

BARON
I didn't hear...

SWALLUM a wiry little mutant hobbit like thing leaps out of the bushes and tries to tackle Dildo. Dildo expertly sidesteps the attack, sending Swallum colliding into Baron.

BARON
Aaaaaiiiieee! Get it off me! Get it off me!

SWALLUM
Nasty Bagginses!

DILDO
Here's something from a Baggins to your Baggins.

Dildo delivers a swift kick to Swallum's groin, getting him off Baron and then pins him with an expert Judo hold.

ELLENDRIEL
Are you all right Baron?

BARON
(realizing something embarassing) I'll be back in a minute.

Baron gets up and heads for the bushes, stopping only to take out a roll of toilet paper and a fresh pair of pants from Erbenz's capacious backpack.

ELLENDRIEL
Okay. Let's see just who this squealing little bastard really is.

DILDO
I know who he is. His name's Swallum. He used to be called Feebol Weensteen and was once a respected independent producer. Then he encountered the Wang and became corrupted.

SWALLUM
Nasty Baggins!

DILDO
Long story short, he became a Hollywood hack and harasser of Oscar voters until he was cast out. Shortly after that I stole the Wang from him and gave it to Baron's ancestors. Now he wants both revenge and the Wang back, having sold his own to Disney years ago.

ELLENDRIEL
What a tragic and pointless story.

DILDO
I hope the others are doing better.

CUT TO:

EXT. FOREST EN ROUTE TO ROHAN --DAY
Araporn climbs out of the bushes, followed by Gigiwyn who's relacing her bodice.

ARAPORN
I'm really, really sorry...

GIGIWYN
Who cries out the name Legoless?

ARAPORN
I got distracted.

Rorymir climbs down from a tree putting a video camera back in his pack.

RORYMIR
Thanks a lot Araporn. How can I make your comeback video when you won't even make it to the moneyshot.

ARAPORN
I said I was sorry, I missed my protein bar this morning.

Gigiwyn signals both of them to shut up.

GIGIWYN
Did you hear that?

RORYMIR
There's someone in the woods.

They draw their weapons, then there's a flash of brilliant white light and...

GIGIWYN
Oh great, now I have to pee...

TO BE CONTINUED:

[The Baron]

The flashes continue, blinding our heroes. Voices begin to materialize from behind the flashes.

VOICES (OS)
Araporn, is it true that you may give up the throne to go back into gay porn? What do you know about Toyota Jackson, and is he being implicated in his brother's child molestation scandals? How many Elves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

From out of the trees swings a JAPANESE MAN in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. He begins karate-chopping the people behind the flashes and voices.

JAPANESE MAN
Spartan dog! Roman cow! Danish pastery! Take that! And that! And that!

All look on in amazement, as the stranger becomes a one-man demolition crew, laying waste to the intruders. Leaving crumpled bodies and broken cameras at his feet, he brushes himself off, and approaches the others, who still have their weapons drawn.

JAPANESE MAN
Damned paparazzi!

ARAPORN
Who are you, stranger, who fights so strangely yet effectively?

JAPANESE MAN (extending his hand to Ararporn)
Phil Moskowitz, lovable rogue. Pleased to meet you.

RORYMIR
Phil Moskowitz?

PHIL
Yes. I somehow got sidetracked from an old Woody Allen movie, and wound up here.

GIGIWYN
Oh! From back when Woody Allen actually made funny movies!

PHIL
That's right. And now, I must continue my search for the recipe for the world's best egg salad.

ARAPORN
Egg salad?

PHIL
Yes. For it is written... Where, I don't know... That "he who makes the best egg salad shall rule the world." Don't ask me why egg salad. So now, I must be going... Unless...

ARAPORN
Unless?

Phil gives GiGiwyn a roguish look.

PHIL
Unless this comely maid would like to distract me. What's your name, baby?

GIGIWYN
GiGiwyn.

PHIL
Are you a Druid?

GIGIWYN
No.

PHIL
Too bad. Mom always wanted me to marry a nice Druish girl.

ARAPORN
Phil, we could use a man with your fighting skills to help us in the defense of Rohan-Atkinson.

PHIL
Are you kidding? After seeing Johnny English? There is no defense for that piece of crap.

RORYMIR
He has a point.

PHIL
Farewell, then, my new-found friends. Perhaps we shall meet again.
(more)

Phil runs off into the forest, singing to himself in an mock-operatic style.

PHIL
Love has found me, and I...

ARAPORN
What a strange little man.

PHIL (OS)
I heard that!

ARAPORN
Sorry! Nothing personal!

PHIL (OS)
Don't mention it.

GIGIWYN
What now?

RORYMIR
Hell-if-I-know...

ARAPORN
No ideas?

There's a sound as if the forest is collapsing around them, and the ground shakes as if in the throes of an incredible earthquake.

RORYMIR
No... It's a hellifino! Run!

They look up to see a huge beastie, a HELLIFINO: five stories tall, five long trunks, seven tusk-like horns, coming through the forest and travelling in the same direction as they are. On top of the creature, in a box-like saddle, is a huge Perv-Ed Guy. This Perv-Ed Guy is somehow different. He has a huge bone through his septum, multiple rings in his ears, and an immense labret through his lower lip.

ARAPORN
Oh, crap! It's Perv-Ed Guy Pierce!

Behind him, an army of Per-Ed Guys astride hellifinos, march in line.

RORYMIR
Ah, nuts! You know where they're going, doncha?

ARAPORN
If only Gandalf were here! He'd know what to do!

Just then, a camoflaged Hum-Vee tears through the woods, stopping right in front of our heroes. The DRIVER opens the passenger side door. The driver is a woman, with hairy armpits and a military high-and-tight haircut, wearing a white wife-beater and bib overalls. She pulls the cigar butt out of the corner of her mouth long enough to yell to those outside.

DRIVER
Don't just stand there with your dicks in your hands! Get in!

ARAPORN
That voice... So familiar...

They all pile into the Hum-Vee. The tires spin, and they take off, putting distance between themselves and the oncoming hordes.

ARAPORN
Thank you, stranger. You came just in time.

DRIVER
Well, you called.

RORYMIR
Called?

It dawns on Araporn.

ARAPORN
Gandalf!

GANDALF
Yeah. Ironic, ain't it? But I'm no longer Gandalf the Gay. I'm now Gandalf the Dyke.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

EXT. ROCKY PLAIN --DAY
A blazing sun beats down on Baron, Ellendriel, Dildo, Erbenz and Swallum, as they cross the rocky, sun scorched plain. Bleached bones lie scattered. Dildo is holding onto a rope that's around Swallum's neck.

BARON
It's so friggin hot!

ELLENDRIEL
I'm as dry as a dead dingo's armpit.

ERBENZ
That's a lovely image.

SWALLUM
This is the shortcut to Odour! No Dorcs go here! No Dorcs go here!

DILDO
I think I know why. (to Baron) Why are we letting him be our guide?

BARON
I don't know, I didn't write this episode.

SWALLUM
I take nice Bagginses to Odour so they wont kick me in my Bagginses again.

BARON
I'm dying of thirst.

DILDO
I think I have just the trick.

Dildo open's the massive backpack still strapped to Erbenz's back. He reaches in and pulls out a 6 pack of COLDCOCK!

He gives everyone a bottle, Swallum reacts with horror to it.

SWALLUM
Swallum no like Baggins Malt Liquor! Swallum only drink Zima!

ELLENDRIEL
Oh dear god! What a disgusting wretched creature you are!

DILDO
Suit yourself.

They open their bottles and take a swig.

BARON
Smooooooooth

ELLENDRIEL
Malty, different, yet familiar....

ERBENZ
Why is there a badger on the bottle?

DILDO
Quiet you!

Chompy's head pokes out of the backpack, Dildo shoves it back down.

DILDO
I've got a case in the pack, and if we need more, I have the main ingredient.

ELLENDRIEL
That's great, and by the way Dildo, you're looking way sexier than usual.

DILDO
Oh, I'm always that sexy.

Baron chugs down the last of his Coldcock and starts crying drunkenly.

BARON
(drunk) You guys... you guys are the best.... I love you guys...

Baron starts sobbing drunkenly on Erbenz's shoulder.

ERBENZ
Who'd think he'd be such a maudlin drunk?

CUT TO:

INT. JUDETHOR'S HALL --DAY
The door swings open and in strides Gandalf, now carrying a big white staff with Ellen DeGeneres's picture on the top, followed by Gigiwyn, Araporn, and Rorymir.

Their sudden entrance surprises Judethor who sits on his throne in a stupor covered in cobwebs. Seedy Edgetongue hisses at the sight of them.

SEEDY
Hissss! Master! It's that troublemaking wizard and his friends! And he's taken the form of a lesbian!

JUDETHOR
(befuddled) Gandalf's from Lebanon?

GANDALF
That's Lebanese! I have come to free you from Jmoruman's curse!

JUDETHOR
What curse?

GANDALF
This one!

Gandalf smacks Seedy across the head with her staff, sending him scurrying out of the hall.

GIGIWYN
He's getting away!

GANDALF
Let him run. We have to give Judethor a makeover, stat!

CUT TO:

EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE --SUNSET
Baron, Ellendriel, Dildo, Erbenz and Swallum are at the entrance of a large dark cave perched on a steep cliff.

SWALLUM
Through here will get you to Odor!

DILDO
I'm not trusting you anymore you little turd.

SWALLUM
Why not trust Swallum?

A giant spider reaches out, grabs Baron, and drags him into the darkness of the cave. Baron drops the jar containing the Wang.

BARON
Aaaaaaaiiiiieeeee! Save me! Save me!

Swallum dives for the Wang, but Dildo jerks on the rope and swings Swallum off the cliff. He lets go of the rope and Swallum plunges into the depths.

ELLENDRIEL
Grab the Wang!

DILDO
I've gone through my entire life without touching another man's equipment, and I'm not going to start now.

Ellendriel picks up the jar.

ELLENDRIEL
Fine, I'll be the one with the Wang. Now let's save Baron.

ERBENZ
Do we have to?

Dildo draws his sword.

DILDO
Wait a minute! He owes me ten bucks! Bring him back you eight legged bastard!

Dildo charges into the cave followed by Erbenz and Ellendriel.

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT., THE CAVE - TWILIGHT.

Dildo, Ellendriel and Erbenz slowly creep through the tunnel. There are webs all around, and their feet stick to the floor of the cavern.

ERBENZ
Damn, this reminds me of a porno theatre I was in once in Alice Springs.

The wang begins to glow in the jar, emitting an eerie green luminescence.

ELLENDRIEL
Hey, Dildo... Is it normal for a wang to do this?

DILDO
Hmm... A wang in a hot, humid, enclosed place... It can be an explosive combination.

ELLENDRIEL
Great.

DILDO
Look at it this way, you've got Baron's wang in your hands. Don't blow it.

BARON (OS)
Shut the fuck up, Dildo! She can blow it if she wants to, ya cock-blockin' son of a bitch!

ERBENZ (pointing down a side channel)
Master! He's that way!

They begin making their way down the channel in the direction of Baron's voice. By the light of the wang, they can see the dessicated husks of humans, hobbits, elves, and other creatures, wrapped up in webbing.

ELLENDRIEL
I suppose this is probably a bad time to mention that I hate spiders?

CUT TO:

INT., JUDETHOR'S HALL -- EVENING.

Araporn, GiGiwyn, and Rorymir stand in a semicircle behind Gandalf, as the transformed wizard faces the throne and Judethor.

GANDALF
Your Highness, a Legion of Jmoruman's Perv-Ed Guys, headed by Perv-Ed Guy Pierce, rides this way on hellifinos. They have but one goal in mind: the sacking of Rohan-Atkinson.

JUDETHOR
And what do you have in mind to do to stop them, o wizard?

Judethor begins to cackle in low tones. As the laughter crescendos, his voice becomes that of Jmoruman!

RORYMIR
Holy crap! This just keeps getting weirder.
(more)

Rorymir draws his all-purpose baseball bat and approaches the throne, raising the bat high. Judethor makes a gesture with his hand, and the bat comes crashing down on Rorymir's head.

RORYMIR
Oh, that's gonna hurt when I wake up.

The dwarf passes out cold.

ARAPORN
Jmoruman!

JUDETHOR/JMORUMAN
That's my name. Don't wear it out. So, Gandalf the Gay is now a cigar-chomping diesel dyke! Do you think you can defeat me? You were never a particularly good-looking man, but I've got to tell you, you are one butt-ugly woman!

ARAPORN
I don't know... I'd do her.

JUDETHOR/JMORUMAN
You do a hole in mud if they were paying you.

Rorymir raises his head.

RORYMIR
He has a point.

ARAPORN
Go back to sleep.

RORYMIR
Okay.

Rorymir passes out again.

GIGIWYN
Father! Father, I know you're in there. Listen to me. Fight the power! Jmoruman is the man keeping you down!

Judethor begins to struggle against Jmoruman's power.

JUDETHOR
GiGiwyn? Is that you?

GIGIWYN
Yes, Father.

JUDETHOR
My child...

Using this momentary respite from Jmoruman's control of King Judethor, Gandalf beans the old man with her staff.

GANDALF
I got your ugly, right here, bitch!

CUT TO:

INT., SHLOB'S LAIR - NIGHT.

Dildo, Ellendriel and Erbenz enter a huge, domed cave, completely webbed. There they see Baron, sitting calmly on a rock, holding a skien of silk between his hands.

BARON
Yeah! Can you believe it! My own wife, in bed with my failed pornographer wastrel brother! And - Oh, hey, guys! Come on in.

DILDO
Uh, Baron... What's going on?

BARON
Introductions all around. Ellendriel, Dildo, Erbenz Gumbee, meet Shlob.

They follow the strand from Baron's hand. It reaches up into the darkness. Suddenly, an immense arachnid drops down from the ceiling on a strand of silk. This is SHLOB. In six of her eight limbs, she holds knitting needles, and is knitting three sweaters.

SHLOB
Hi! Howaya? I hope dese fit yous tree. Baron wasn't sure of ya sizes.
(more)

Dildo, Ellendirel and Erbenz just stare.

SHLOB
Wow, dey don't tawk much, do dey Baron, honey?

BARON
You kidding? Sometimes they won't shut up. Uh, guys... It's rude to stare.

ERBENZ
Uh, pleased to meet you, Ma'am.

SHLOB
Aw, cut the "Ma'am" crap, honey. I'm Shlob, plain and simple.

DILDO
How do you do.

SHLOB
No, how do you do, honey! Hey, Baron, he's kinda cute.

BARON
Hey, Dildo, whip out some of that tasty malt beverage of yours. A little hobbit hospitality. Shlob's going to help us get to the Crack of Doom.

ELLENDRIEL
It - er - She is?

SHLOB
Oh, yeah, girly. Anything to keep old doom and gloom from gettin' da wang. He keeps nosin' around. It gets on my noives.

BARON
Besides that, Shlob is actually a cousin of a theraphosa lablondi I once raised from a spiderling.

SHLOB
Yeah... Baron's like family, and wheres I come from, family helps family.

Dildo produces the remains of the case of Coldcock from the knapsack.

DILDO
Coldcocks all around!

He cracks open eight of them, and hands them to Shlob. The others all grab one, and raise their bottles.

SHLOB
Well, heah's mud in ya eye!

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS appears out of nowhere, and looks straight into the camera.

BILLY DEE
Coldcock. It fucks you up, every time.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. JUDETHOR'S CHAMBER --NIGHT
Judethor, nursing a big bump on his head is being helped into his armour by Gandalf, and Gigiwyn.

JUDETHOR
Okay, I have a few questions. I can see why you needed to free me from Jmoruman. But did you have to give my noggin such a floggin?

GANDALF
I don't flog any nog without a damn good reason. It was the only way.

JUDETHOR
Okay. Now about my daughter Gigiwyn. How come my daughter's an Elf?

GIGIWYN
Drunken weekend with my elf mother and a busted prophylactic.

JUDETHOR
Damn Coldcock. It fucks you up.

GIGIWYN
Now you're back and we can kick Jmoruman's ass.

JUDETHOR
But I'm an old man. Do I still have it in me?

Gandalf tightens the last strap on Judethor's armour.

GANDALF
You'll feel better once you killed somebody, trust me.

JUDETHOR
But doubt still plagues my mind.

GANDALF
Oh don't be such a whiny old fuddy-duddy. We'll get out our swords, we'll kill a few Dorcs, make Edgetongue and Jmoruman our bitches and have a few laughs. It'll be a hoot.

JUDETHOR
I hope your right. And could you loosen my codpiece, it's a little tight?

GANDALF
Sorry.

CUT TO:

EXT. SWAMPS OF CINEMATIC DESPAIR --NIGHT
Baron, Dildo, Ellendriel, Erbenz, and Billy Dee Williams are riding on the backs of Shlob and wearing their new silk shirts. Film cans, DVDs and video tapes stick out of the mud.

DILDO
We must be very careful here.

BARON
Is it full of monsters?

DILDO
No, this is where bad movies go after running on home video and TBS superstation.

SHLOB
Yeah, last time I was here I stepped in Mariah Carey's GLITTER. I had to soak my feet in shit and putrid monkey guts to get rid of the smell.

ELLENDRIEL
Okay, I can understand why Shlob is helping us, but why is Billy Dee Williams here?

BILLY DEE
Whereever there's hot ladies and cold Coldcock, Billy Dee is there.

DILDO
You know we're heading into certain death.

BILLY DEE
Billy Dee doesn't fear death, Billy Dee's done Canadian television.

BARON
You poor bastard.

SHLOB
Now I'm not sure which way to Crack of Doom. So we're gonna have to ask for directions?

BARON
Do we have to?

SHLOB
If you want to beat Bauron, yes.

Ellendriel sees a lone Dorc walking along the road.

ELLENDRIEL
We could ask him. (to Dorc) Which way to the Crack of Doom?

The Dorc looks at Ellendriel incredulously.

DORC
Ooop loopah smoot poop?

BARON
He doesn't speak english. Dammit!

DILDO
Let me handle this. (to Dorc) Soop noop koop zoop?

The Dorc understands and points east.

DILDO
We should go that way.

ELLENDRIEL
How come you speak Dorc?

DILDO
I'm a cunning linguist.

Suddenly unspooled film reaches out of the swamps and grab Billy Dee like tentacles.

BILLY DEE
Oh no! Billy Dee has been grabbed and not in a good way!

Billy Dee gets dragged into the swamp. But before he disappears into the mire he says...

BILLY DEE
Remember Billy Dee as the King of the Players.

Billy Dee gets sucked under the muck.

More film footage and videotape tentacles emerge from the murk.

BARON
My god! What is that?

SHLOB
The worst monster in all of Odour! It's the complete works of Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin!

Tentacles grab Ellendriel.

ELLENDRIEL
Help, I've been grabbed by INDEPENDENCE DAY!

TO BE CONTINUED::eek: :eek: :eek:

[The Baron]

BARON
Quick! Throw me the wang!

ELLENDRIEL
But it's mine now!

DILDO
Do it, Ellendriel! Don't you see? Your desire for wang is corrupting you! Toss Baron his wang!

BARON
Yeah! The horrors of the swamp will release you if you give me the wang!

Ellendriel takes but a split second to contemplate this, as she feels the tentacles of Independence Day joined by Batman Forever.

ELLENDRIEL
Okay!

She throws the jar to Baron, who catches it like Franco Harris, as he intercepts the wang from the reaching lengths of the collected films of John Russo.

BARON
Okay, Shlob. On to the Crack of Doom.

DILDO
What about Ellendriel?

BARON
What about her? You set yourself up as a hero here. I'm still the same opportunist I've always been. Politician... Remember? I risk my ass, and especially not my wang, for no one.

ERBENZ
He makes a good case for himself, Master Dildo.

Ellendriel has sunk into the mire to a point where only her head and one hand are above the foetid waters.

DILDO
Hmm... Erbenz Gumbee, do you trust me?

ERBENZ
Well, that all depends, Master...

DILDO
Baron, let me borrow your sword.
(more)

Baron gives Dildo his broadsword. Dildo unsheaths his own blade, and puts it through the back of Erbenz Gumbee's collar, dangling the servile hobbit over the surface of the water.

DILDO
Mmmm... What's this? A juicy, young hobbit! Much better than some nasty ol' Elf girl. Yum, yum. Come and get it...

SHLOB
Hey, youse is making me hungry, here!

With that, the swamp vomits forth Ellendriel, who is caught up by a strand of webbing shot from Shlob's rear end, and rapidly drawn up by the giant spider. As the half-inch tapes begin to wrap around Erbenz's ankles, Dildo uses Baron's sword to swiftly slice them away.

DILDO
Now, Shlob! Run like hell!

As Shlob skitters over the swamp towards the Foothills of Odour. Dildo cuts away the webbing that encases Ellendriel. Erbenz disencumbers his feet of tape.

ERBENZ
You used me like gator bait!

Dildo looks at Ellendriel, but speaks to Erbenz... sort of.

DILDO
Yes. You see, in addition to my reputation as a cunning linguist, I have other skills that I don't tend to advertise.

ELLENDRIEL
You mean...?

DILDO
Yes. I am also a Master Baiter.

ERBENZ
I suppose that explains why you have hairy palms instead of hairy feet.

Dildo passes Baron's sword back to him.

ELLENDRIEL
Oh, yeah... Thanks for your help, Baron.

BARON
Can the balloon-juice, honey. I just want to get the wang into the Crack of Doom and get back to my own life in Washington, D.C.. Knowing my Vice-President, she's probably started Armegeddon in a PMS frenzy.

ELLENDRIEL
Pig.

BARON (drolly)
Oink, oink.
(more)

Shlob stops at a fork in the road.

BARON
Now, which way to the Crack of Doom?

There's a sign between the fork. An arrow, pointing right, reads "Crack of Doom - 2 Miles".

ERBENZ
Think maybe we should go right?

DILDO
Hmm... You may be onto something, Erbenz Gumbee.

SHLOB
Well, I hate to be a pahty-poopah, but I gotta get back to de cave. I gotta dwarf dere I been savin' for a week. He should be about ready. Youse kids be careful. Buh-bye.

ALL
Bye, Shlob. Thank you. Thanks for the sweaters!

Shlob skitters off, making her way back to her lair.

BARON
Best we get walking.

ERBENZ
I wonder how Araporn and the rest of the Fellowship are getting on?

CUT TO:

EXT., TOP OF THE DEFENSIVE WALLS OF MINAS-TRONEE -- NIGHT.

Gandalf and Judethor look out over the countryside, awaiting the onslaught of Dorcs and Perv-Ed Guys. The scene is illuminated by the eerie light of huge coal-burning brazeres.

GANDALF
Shouldn't this scene be lit by coal-burning braziers?

JUDETHOR
The writers figured we needed a sight-gag for the establishing shot.

GANDALF
Whatever. I still don't like that you ordered a retreat to Minas-Tronee. We're up against a wall, with no avenue of escape.

JUDETHOR
Wait a minute... You're a wizard. You can't just wiggle your nose, or nod your head or something, and make us win the battle?

GANDALF
What the fuck have you been smokin'?

JUDETHOR
Aw, shit. Now you tell me. And where's Araporn? He just buggered off into the night, didn't he?

GANDALF
Have faith. Araporn has gone in search of the armies of the undead to help turn the tide of the battle.

JUDETHOR
Well, he'd better get the lead out. Look!

Judethor points out over the horizon. The coming dawn reveals the army of Dorcs and hellifino-mounted Perv-Ed Guys approaching.

Gandalf grabs Rorymir, who has suddenly appeared courtesy of the Plot Convenience Department, by the lapels.

GANDALF
Go quickly to the top of the signal tower, and light both of those quintuple-R cups! We must put out a signal for the Hiders of Rohan-Atkinson!

RORYMIR
Why? So they know not to come? You know that they're chickenshits.

GANDALF
Just do it!
(more)

As the two leaders watch the horizon, Jmoruman's armies gather, waiting for the sun to rise before they strike.

GANDALF
And so begins the end of the beginning of the end. I hope the others are successful in reaching the Crack of Doom.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

EXT. GATES OF ODOUR --SUNSET
Baron, Dildo, Erbenz, and Ellendriel approach the gate that's manned by some DORC GUARDS. A Dorc Captain approaches them.

DORC CAPTAIN
Who goes there?

BARON
Run for it!

DILDO
Let me handle it. (to Dorc) Greetings, we have business to attend at the Crack of Doom. (points to Ellendriel) This is Ms. Connie Lingus. (points to Erbenz) That's her associate Ben Doon, and his assistant (points to Baron) Phil McCavity.

DORC CAPTAIN
And you are?

DILDO
My name's Heywood Jablome.

Dorc Captain checks a list.

DORC CAPTAIN
Go right on in. Enjoy your visit to the Crack of Doom, please visit our gift shop and have an evil day.

The gate opens and our heros enter Odour.

ERBENZ
Master how did you do that?

BARON
Yeah what did you do?

ELLENDRIEL
Was it a Jedi mind trick of some kind?

DILDO
No. Everyone in odour has a rude double entendre name. It was only logical to use similar names as a disguise.

BARON
Very clever.

ELLENDRIEL
So, you're more than a cunning linguist?

DILDO
Damn right. I can also type.

ERBENZ
I wonder how we're going to segue to the others...

CUT TO:

EXT. WALLS OF MINAS-TRONEE --NIGHT
Dorc soldiers charge at the walls led by Jmoruman and Seedy Edgetongue while Gandalf, Gigiwyn and Rorymir watch.

GIGIWYN
They're coming. Oh where is Araporn.

RORYMIR
They're coming to the walls.

GANDALF
They're coming!

GIGIWYN
Araporn!

RORYMIR
No, it's the trees! They're attacking the Dorcs!

A forest literally walks over the hill and attacks the Dorc Army. As they attack they let out a fearsome battle cry.

MOVING TREES
Yoo-Hoo! Dorcs! Pick on someone your own size!

GANDALF
It's the Friends of Dorothy of the Forest. The Bents!

GIGIWYN
Look, over the other hill, it's Araporn and the Army of the Undead.

In the distance we hear marching feet and the mutter of "brains... brains..."

RORYMIR
Looks like we've got nothing to do. Jmoruman's getting his ass kicked.

GIGIWYN
Dildo left me a 6 pack of Coldcock, we can celebrate our victory.

Gigiwyn gives them each a bottle.

GANDALF
Why is there a badger on the bottle?

GIGIWYN
Dildo says it's just a mascot, and in no way indicative of the main ingredient.

They all start chugging.

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS appears, battered, bloody, and covered in mud and bits of film, but alive.

BILLY DEE
When you want to get shit faced in style, drink Coldcock. The malt liquor with badger on the bottle. It's smooth like Billy Dee.

CUT TO:

EXT. CRACK OF DOOM --NIGHT
Our heros approach the crack, a massive hole that seeps out nasty foul smelling gases.

DILDO
Now Baron! Stuff it in the crack! Fulfill your destiny!

BARON
No! I can't stick my Wang into some smelly old hole!

ERBENZ
That's not what I heard.

Baron kicks Erbenz in the nuts.

BARON
I will not destroy MY PRECIOUS!

ELLENDRIEL
Damn it's corrupted Baron! What'll we do?

DILDO
We'll have to kill him and toss both into the crack.

ELLENDRIEL gives him a dirty look.

DILDO
I'm just trying to be practical, besides Law & Order's on tonight and I don't want to miss it.

SWALLUM
No it's MY PRECIOUS!

Swallum leaps out of the shadows and tackles Baron. They start wrestling for possession of the Wang Jar.

ERBENZ
Now what do we do?

DILDO
Wait and fricassee the winner.

ELLENDRIEL
You're a loyal fellow.

They watch Baron and Swallum wrestle for a while.

DILDO
This might take a while, we better segue to the others.

CUT TO:

EXT. GATES OF MINAS TRONEE --NIGHT
The door swings open and in comes ARAPORN astride his royal steed leading Jmoruman and Seedy by a chain, and followed by Judethor.

They are greeted by Gigiwyn, Gandalf and Rorymir.

GIGIWYN
Father, we won!

JUDETHOR
I deserve a Badgerbrau tonight!

ARAPORN
Here are the traitors Gandalf.

GANDALF
For treachery and general scumminess Jmoruman, you are hereby out of the union!

JMORUMAN
Bugger!

GANDALF
We better kill them, so they don't turn up later to drag out the ending.

RORYMIR takes out an axe and beheads both.

GANDALF
Good shot.

RORYMIR
I've been practising.

CUT TO:

EXT. CRACK OF DOOM --NIGHT
Baron and Swallum are still wrestling. Swallum headbutts Baron. Baron screams and lets go of the Wang Jar.

BARON
Not the face! My dainty pretty face! No!

SWALLUM
It's mine, the precious is mine!

BANG!

A bullethole appears in Swallum's forehead and both he and the Wang fall into the pit.

We see that the pistol is held by Erbenz.

DILDO
Good shot. Right between the little bastard's eyes.

ERBENZ
I wasn't aiming for him. He didn't kick me in the nuts.

A blinding flash of light comes out of the Crack. The distant tower of Odour-Phew collapses. Fart Riders fall dead from the sky and disintegrate.

BARON
It's destroyed. My beautiful wang!

ELLENDRIEL
You have a replacement.

BARON
Yeah, but there was a lot of sentimental value with that Wang. Why back when I was...

DISSOLVE TO:

TITLES: As Baron tells everyone of his history of self abuse, whether they want to hear it or not we go to the White House in Regular Earth to see what's up.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Ellen's at the desk doing presidential paperwork. Gigi comes in smiling and humming a happy tune.

ELLEN
Why are you in such a good mood?

GIGI
Why?

FURIOUS D comes in, rubbing his stiff neck.

GIGI
Furious had given me a language lesson, right D?

FURIOUS D
Yeah, right... language.

GIGI
He's a master of foreign tongues.

ELLEN
That's nice, and open to interpretation. When's Baron due back?

FURIOUS D
As soon as he finishes boring everyone with his stories about his old wang.

ELLEN
Well, there's not much to do today. Why don't you give me one of your language lessons?

FURIOUS D
I have a neck cramp, why don't I just tell you all a story for now.

GIGI
I love stories.

ELLEN
What kind of story?

FURIOUS D
One about Baron's ancestor. Baron West, he was a secret agent in the 1870's, and his partner was one of my earlier incarnations named Artemis D. One day they were called to meet President Judex S. Grant for a very important mission...

TO BE CONTINUED IN....

NOT THE WILD, WILD, WEST WING!

[Furious D]

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
It's the 1870's, President JUDEX S. GRANT nervously puffs on a cigar and paces around the office.

Enter BARON WEST a snappily dressed 1870's version of the man we all know and tolerate.

BARON WEST
You wanted see me Mr. President?

JS GRANT
Yes I did West. You've been doing a capitol job with the Federal Marshals.

BARON
Thank you sir.

GRANT
But there's something you must do for your country. It's a matter of national security.

BARON
What is it sir?

GRANT
I think it would be best if our expert explained it.

Grant pulls a tube out of a wall and speaks into it.

GRANT
Debbie, could you send in our visitor now.

DEBBIE (OS)
Yes sir.

The door opens and in walks an ELDERLY MAN walking stiffly with a cane.

GRANT
It's good to finally meet you.

ELDERLY MAN
And for me to meet you Mr. President. I have something to give you.

As the Elderly Man reaches to shake Grant's hand Baron notices a revolver in a shoulder holster.

BARON
Gun!

Baron leaps at the Elderly Man who expertly dodges Baron's attack and trips him with his cane.

Baron tumbles on the floor but rolls onto his feet and reaches for his own pistol. He freezes when he realizes that a derringer is sticking out of the Elderly Man's sleeve.

GRANT
Well, what do you think Artemis?

The Elderly Man smiles and pulls his face off, revealing the stunningly handsome features of ARTEMIS D.

ARTEMIS D
He moves like a kneecapped baboon, but he's alert and if he's half as good with his gun as they say he is then he'll do.

GRANT
Excellent. (hiccups) Damn, I need a drink.

BARON
What's going on here?

Artemis D retracts his pistol into his sleeve and offers his hand to Baron.

ARTEMIS D
My name's D, Artemis D, I'm with the Secret Service and this is sort of like a job interview.

BARON
For what?

Grant takes a swig of whiskey.

GRANT
To save this damn country.

ARTEMIS D
And you passed. A lesser man would've been killed four times already. You only put yourself in a position to be killed once.

BARON
That's comforting.

ARTEMIS D
Well, I have been at this for a long time.

BARON
What's the mission?

ARTEMIS D
There's a new form of train robbery happening out west.

BARON
Isn't that a matter for local law enforcement?

GRANT
Not when the bastard's stealing the whole damn train.

ARTEMIS D
Three entire locomotives have disappeared in the past month. Two were freight trains, and one was carrying passengers. They entered Texas and vanished.

GRANT
If word gets out we'll be screwed 8 ways to Sunday. Trade by rail will come to a standstill and so will the economy. Your mission is to investigate this mess with Artemis D.

BARON
But I have important duties with the marshalls...

GRANT
You're in the Secret Service now. (to Artemis) Tell him your lead.

ARTEMIS takes out a tinplate photo of an obese drunk man with red hair and beard named HARRY BAWLES with a prostitute on his lap.

ARTEMIS D
This is Harry Bawles. He's publishes a gossip rag in Austin, and he was on the train the disappeared with all passengers on board.

BARON
And let me guess, this picture was taken after his train disappeared?

GRANT
I told you he was clever.

ARTEMIS D
A week after he vanished to be exact. We believe you know this place well. It's the Red Rash Saloon in Cracker's Crack Texas.

BARON
Gigi... I mean, yes, I had to go there once on official business, yeah, that's the ticket.

ARTEMIS D
Well, that's our first stop. Our train's leaving in an hour.

CUT TO:

INT. TRAIN TO TEXAS --DAY
Baron's looking out the window as the harsh scrub and desert of Texas passes by.

BARON
We sure got to Texas fast.

ARTEMIS D
That's the power of editing.

Suddenly the train jerks to a halt.

BARON
What's happening?

ELLE (OS)
I'll tell you what's happening!

ELLE STARR, the sassy and perktacular bandit queen of Texas swoops in the door a pistol in each hand, and another in her garter. She's followed by her loyal minion JMORONIC THE KID, carrying a shotgun, and several GOONS

ELLE
I'm robbing this train! That's what's happening!

TO BE CONTINUED: :cool: :D :cool: :D :cool: :D

[Furious D]

Elle sees Baron and Artemis D in their seats. She seems pleasantly surprised.

ELLE
(pointing at Artemis)
Look what the cat dragged in. It's Wild Bill!

BARON
(whisper) I thought your name was Artemis?

ARTEMIS D
Play along. (to Elle) Elle Starr. It's been a long time.

ELLE
Wild Bill Coldcock. Who's your friend?

ARTEMIS D
This is my business associate. Wyatt Burp.

ELLE
Nice to meet you. Sorry I have to rob you now.

BARON
Can we charge this on our expense account?

ARTEMIS D
You won't rob me Elle.

ELLE
Why not?

ARTEMIS D
You forgot Chompy.

ELLE turns around to see that Chompy has his capacious jaws wrapped around Jmoronic's neck.

ELLE
Normally, I'd say bite him, but it's been hard getting outlaws these days.

BARON
How come. I thought you were the leader of Elle's Belles.

ELLE
I was, but things didn't work out.

ARTEMIS D
How about we call this a draw...

TRAIN PASSENGERS
DRAW!

All the other passengers draw their revolvers and shoot each other.

BARON
Bad choice of words.

ELLE
Damn. I haven't had a chance to shoot anybody all week.

ARTEMIS D
Listen, we're heading into the Red Rash Saloon. How about we buy you a drink?

Suddenly a long bullwhip shoots through an open window and zaps the guns out of Elle's hands.

ELLE
Dang it! It's Whiplash! I'll catch you later Wild Bill. Maybe you'll give me a Coldcock.

ELLE and Jmoronic dive out of the train while WHIPLASH swings in. She's wearing a mask, is dressed all in black and has a bullwhip in one hand, a gold plated Colt in the other.

WHIPLASH
I'm Whiplash, Queen of the Vigilantes, you're safe now citizens...(sees that everyone, but Baron, Artemis and Chompy are dead) I guess I was a little late.

BARON
Actually this was all just a big misunderstanding.

Whiplash looks at Baron West.

WHIPLASH
You look familiar Mr....

BARON
Burp, Wyatt Burp. This is Wild Bill Coldcock. And I must ask if we've met before.

WHIPLASH
I doubt that citizen. Now I must be going. WHIPLASH AWAY!

Whiplash swings out of the train on her whip.

BARON
Been out west one day and we've met two hotties. This is looking very promising.

ARTEMIS D
Want to rob the dead bodies?

BARON
Dibs on the dead guy's watch!

CUT TO:

INT. RED RASH SALOON --NIGHT
Baron and Artemis enter, their pockets bulging with stuff looted from the dead passengers. The crowd sees them.

CROWD
Hi Baron!

ARTEMIS D
For a man who's only been here once, you've made an impression.

BARON
Let's find a seat.

ARTEMIS D
Let's try the booth called the "Baron West Memorial Booth."

They sit in the booth which has both Baron's name on a plaque above it, as well as a portrait of him with GIGI LARUE over that.

Baron takes out a wad of bills from his pocket.

BARON
This might the first government op to make a profit, thanks to those morons on the train.

ARTEMIS D
Looks like we're here in time for the show.

The lights go down, and a spotlight goes on a curtain with the name GIGI'S BURLESQUE-O-RAMA on it.

GIGI LARUE comes out. She bears a striking resemblance to Whiplash, but without the mask.

GIGI
Our headliner tonight is the lovely Boom-Boom Vavoom.

There's a roar of approval from the ROWDY COWBOYS in the crowd.

GIGI
But first, the comedy stylings of the Great Erbenzo!

Gigi walks off the stage and ERBENZO comes out. He's dressed as a parody of a Mexican general, complete with plumed had and heavily medalled uniform jacket.

ERBENZO
How are you doing folks. A guy walks into the saloon and tells the barkeep: "My dog has no nose." The barkeep asks: "How does he smell?" And the guy answers: "Awful."

A bottle smacks Erbenzo in the forehead and he's knocked out cold. Boom-Boom Vavoom comes out and starts doing a striptease.

ARTEMIS D
That man is no comedian!

BARON
Damn right. His joke sucked.

ARTEMIS D
That's the notorious Miguelito Erbenzo. The Butcher of Chihuahuah!

BARON
How can he be the Butcher of Chihuahuas? There's not enough meat on them for a sandwich.

ARTEMIS D
He's a fugitive general. He used to command the Mexican Army, but he was fired for trying to bring Texas back into Mexico. He's also the long lost cousin of Harry Bawles!

BARON
This is getting confusing.

GIGI
Hello Baron.

Baron turns to see Gigi.

BARON
Gigi, it's good to see you.

Gigi breaks a bottle over his head.

GIGI
You bastard.

Gigi storms off.

BARON
She wants me so bad, she can taste it.

ARTEMIS D
If that's her way of showing desire, then I'd suggest you buy a helmet.

CUT TO:

INT. BACKSTAGE--CONTINUOUS
A SHADOWY FIGURE watches Baron and Artemis through a gap in the curtain. Behind him a MINION is hauling ERBENZO offstage.

SHADOWY FIGURE
Well, I do reckon I see Baron West, but I don't know who the really handsome fellow with him is.

MINION
Would you like me to find out?

SHADOWY FIGURE
Nah, let's just kill them.

MINION
Yes Master Loveless!

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

CUT TO:

INT. RED RASH SALOON -- NIGHT.

Baron and Arte are watching the burlesque show, and Baron has lined the stage in front of him with silver dollars. Boom-Boom dances over to the boys, and picks up the coins.

BARON
Hello, Boom-Boom.

BOOM-BOOM
Baron West!

She picks up the bottle of whiskey sitting on their table, smashes it over Baron's head, and dances away.

ARTEMIS
You really have a way with women.

BARON
You might say that.

ARTEMIS
I'm sure there's a story behind it.

Baron leans over and whispers something in Artemis' ear. As a waiter passes by, Artemis grabs the bottle of rot-gut off of the waiter's tray, and smashes it over Baron's head.

BARON
See?

ARTEMIS
Ooo! Just hearing that made me feel all dirty.
(more)

Baron smiles in a most oily fashion and nods his head.

ARTEMIS
Let's get out of here, and head over to the barber shop for a shave and a hot bath.

As they go out through the saloon's swinging doors, a whiskey bottle sails past Baron's head and smashes against the wall. He turns to see who threw the projectile.

BARON
Suzette! Your aim isn't what it used to be, honey.
(more)

He exits the saloon, and a second bottle flies through the door after him. We hear the smash of the glass.

BARON (OS)
That's the Suzette I know!

CUT TO:

EXT., EST. SHOT: MORNINGWOOD BARBER SHOP -- NIGHT.

CUT TO:

INT., MORNINGWOOD BARBER SHOP -- NIGHT.

Artemis is seated in a barber's chair, with an apron tied loosely around his neck. Baron is behind a screen, getting ready for a nice, hot bath. The Minion, dressed as a barber, is pouring the contents of a large bottle into the steaming tub.

BARON
Say, friend, what is that stuff you're a-pourin' in my bath?

MINION
Oh, something to make all the girls in Morningwood go wild.

BARON
If you say so. Kinda smells like cat piss to me.

MINION
It's - uh - pheremones.

He sets the bottle down on the table next to the tub, carefully turning the skull and crossbones on the label away from Baron. The Minion passes to the front of the shop, and begins to lather up Artemis' face. He then strops the razor, pulls Arte's head back, and...

BANG!

A shot rings out, and a slug from Baron's six-shooter shatters the blade before the Minion can slit Arte's throat. Baron is standing there in a bath robe, with a smoking pistol in his hand.

BARON
Next one's your ass.

Artemis jumps up, grabs the Minion, and has him face down on the floor, a knee in his back.

MINION
How did you know?

BARON
Well, it'll be over a hundred years until pheremones are used in perfumes and colognes, and I happen to know how to spell "muriatic acid."

ARTEMIS
Who do you work for?

MINION
Professor Rory L. Loveless, evil genius.

BARON
That was easy.

MINION
Minion wages aren't all that great.

ARTEMIS
And where can we find this Professor Loveless?

MINION
Head south about 2 miles, turn left at the big cactus. From there -

The Minion is suddenly cut off. Blood begins to seep out from under his body. Artemis turns the Minion over to find that a spike has come up through the floor, and pierced the Minion through the heart.

ARTEMIS
Diabolical!

Artemis and Baron go through the Minion's pockets, and look at what little they've turned up.

BARON
He was telling the truth. Minions don't make squat.

CUT TO:

INT., RED RASH SALOON, A PRIVATE SUITE -- NIGHT.

Artemis and Baron are cleaning and oiling their arsenal of weapons, when there's a knock at the door. Both men grab pistols, and Baron goes to the door. He opens it, only to find GiGi with a botlle and a package.

GIGI
This just came for you two, and I thought you might like a nightcap.

BARON
Thank you, Miss LaRue. Here... Allow me.

Baron takes the bottle and breaks it over his own head. He takes the package from GiGi.

GIGI
Is there anything else I can do for you boys this evening?

BARON
Hmm... I'm okay, but let me ask Artemis. (shouts back over his shoulder) Hey, Arte... You fancy a roll in the hay with GiGi?

ARTEMIS
Check back with me in an hour. I have a feeling that package may keep us busy for a while.

BARON
You heard him.

GIGI
See you boys in an hour.

She walks away, and Baron calls after her.

BARON
Hey! GiGi! Bring that big spinning basket thingy when you come back!

He closes the door, and we hear a bottle smash against the outside of it. Baron carries the package over to the table and starts to untie the string.

BARON
What do you suppose this is?

ARTEMIS
Could be a bomb.

Baron stops untying the string, and pushes the package over to Artemis.

BARON
Maybe you should open it.

ARTEMIS
Is it ticking?

BARON
No.

ARTEMIS
Should be safe, then.

Artemis opens the package to find a minature Victrola and cylinder. He winds the crank, and places the needle on the cylinder.

VOICE ON THE CYLINDER
Good evening, gentlemen. I am Professor Rory L. Loveless, evil genius. It is none other than I who is... or is it am? Is? Am? Anyway, I who is or am responsible for the disappearance of your locomotives and train cars. I have great plans for these vehicles, which I will reveal to your government, all in due time. They are impotent to stop me. You are listening to my voice right now, only because my Minion failed to kill you. He has paid the price of failure. But, as my dear sweet grandmother always told me, never send a minion to do the job of an evil genius. You see, gentlemen, this playback unit is also a bomb. Five, four, three...

CUT TO:

EXT., THE BACK OF THE RED RASH SALOON -- NIGHT.

A huge KABOOM rends the silence of the night, and the back of the building, where Artemis and Baron's rooms are located, blows out in a flaming explosion.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. RED RASH SALOON, PRIVATE SUITE --NIGHT
The room is a scorched and blackened mess. Everything is wrecked except what looks like a dome of linked metal plates.

BARON (OS)
I think it's safe now.

ARTEMIS D(OS)
I agree.

The plates start folding up and we see that it's a metal tent that saved Baron and Artemis from the blast.

BARON
That's pretty nifty.

ARTEMIS D
And easy to carry. It's one of my many inventions.

Artemis folds up the metal plates into a package the size of a pack of cards. He then slips it into his jacket pocket.

The door swings open and in comes Gigi.

GIGI
What the hell happened?

BARON
Let's just say it's not the first time something blew in this place.

Gigi breaks a bottle over Baron's head.

BARON
That brings back memories baby. Wanna go ride my high country?

GIGI
Eeeeewwww! Why do you think this place is called the Red Rash? I named it after you!

ARTEMIS
While this trip down memory lane has been fun, I have to admit that our cover's been blown.

GIGI breaks a bottle over Artemis D's head.

GIGI
Sorry, instinctive reaction.

ARTEMIS D
Does anyone actually drink alcohol in this place?

GIGI
Who did this?

BARON
Some evil mastermind named Rory L. Loveless.

ARTEMIS D
You know Baron, the key to being a secret agent is keeping things secret! We have to get out of town.

BARON
How? The town's probably crawling with Loveless's minions. How do we get out?

ARTEMIS D
If you've read my CV, then you'd know that I'm also a master of disguise. (to Gigi) I need you to send a message for me, and I'm going to need the biggest dress you have.

GIGI
All right.

CUT TO:

INT. RED RASH SALOON --LATER
Artemis D comes down the stairs masterfully disguised as a SAMURAI WARRIOR. Baron follows him, dressed as a SPANISH FLAMENCO DANCER. Actually, he's disguised as a REALLY UGLY SPANISH FLAMENCO DANCER.

BARON
Artemis! Why do I have to be the woman?

ARTEMIS D
You drew the short straw, senorita. And from now on you're to call me Yojimbo Sanjuro, I'm a tourist from Osaka, and you're name is Juanita Consuela Conchita Ezmerelda Lopez, and you're a flamenco dancer from Spain.

BARON
Just call me J-Lo for short.

ARTEMIS D
What I can't believe is that you claimed to be 'petite.'

BARON
A gal can dream, can't she?

Erbenzo comes out from backstage, rubbing his sore head. His eyes fall on Baron J-Lo and he lights up with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

ERBENZO
Madre de dios! I am truly smitten!

Erbenzo strides up to Baron who's now waiting at the bar with Artemis D.

BARON
Hello.

ERBENZO
My name's Generalissimo Miguelito Erbenzo, and you are an angel on Earth.

Artemis D almost chokes on his Badgerbrau.

BARON
What?

ERBENZO
Can I buy you a drink Senorita...?

BARON
My friends call me J-Lo.

ERBENZO
You're name is as lovely as you. You remind me so much of my sainted mother.

Erbenzo takes out a locket and opens it. Both Baron and Artemis look at the photo inside and almost gag in disgust.

ARTEMIS D
She was certainly unique.

BARON
She was fug...

ERBENZO
Let me buy you a drink.

BARON
Fine. I need a tequila after that.

Gigi comes in, but doesn't recognize them until Artemis D walks over to her.

ARTEMIS D
It's me, D.

GIGI
Great disguise. I passed on your message. Where's Baron?

ARTEMIS D
I think he's just stumbled onto our best lead yet.

Baron manages to break away from Erbenzo and go over to Gigi and Artemis.

BARON
We have to get out of here. Erbenzo just invited me over to his place to see his etchings. I don't know what they are, but they sound infected.

ARTEMIS D
You must go with him. He's the only one who can lead us to Harry Bawles and the missing trains.

BARON
But he wants to...

GIGI
Just close your eyes and think of England. That's what everybody did with you.

BARON
But what about...

ARTEMIS D
Just let him lead to his hideaway. I'll be right behind you, to make sure you're honour remains intact.

BARON
It's not my honour that I'm worried about.

ARTEMIS D
Just go. I'll be right behind you.

CUT TO:

INT. GIGI'S ROOM --CONTINUOUS
Gigi opens a closet, revealing her black leather WHIPLASH costume, complete with leather bustier from the Kate Beckinsale collection.

GIGI
We'll be right behind you.

CUT TO:

INT. ERBENZO'S HIDEAWAY --NIGHT
Erbenzo puts a record on the Victrola and some flamenco music start playing. He then starts dancing towards Baron.

ERBENZO
Flamenco is the music of passion. Is it not, my little chihuahua?

BARON
Sure.... (to himself) Artemis where are you?

ERBENZO
I cannot wait a moment longer my flower! Now WE DANCE!

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE ERBENZO'S HIDEAWAY --CONTINUOUS.

Artemis D, in full samurai armour, nimbly crawls from rooftop to rooftop towards Erbenzo's hideaway.

He pauses and listens to the flamenco music coming from the small house.

ELLE (OS)
Look what we've got here. A real live samurai warrior. 17th century if I'm not mistaken.

Artemis D turns to see that Elle has the drop on him with her pistols.

ARTEMIS D
Actually, If you look closely at the structure of my neckpiece, you'll see that it is in fact mid-16th century.

ELLE
Wait a minute... what's that noise?

A low hum in the distance becomes a deafening roar.

ARTEMIS D
Look out!

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

They look up to see a US Air 747 cutting through the night sky. Artemis looks off to his left, and addresses someone just out of frame.

ARTEMIS
Oh, for cryin' out loud! What? Is the Sound Engineer asleep? No one could think to say, "hold for the plane"?

DIRECTOR (OS)
Sorry, D. Retakes are not really in the budget... but for you, we'll go again. Everbody, back to One. Roll sound.

SOUND MAN (OS)
We're speeding.

DIRECTOR (OS)
Roll camera. And... slate.

The CLAPPER comes into frame, holding the slate.

CLAPPER
Not the Wild, Wild West Wing, Episode 73, Scene 1, Take 2.

The Clapper snaps the sticks and runs out of frame.

DIRECTOR (OS)
And... Action.

ARTEMIS
Actually, if you look closely at the structure of my neckpiece, you'll see that it is in fact mid-16th century.

ELLE
That's really fascinating, but what are you doing out here?

ARTEMIS
Well, my partner is trapped inside that house, following up on a lead dealing with national security, and if I don't get in there toot sweet, things could get even uglier than he is in drag.

ELLE
Then we'd better get a move on!

ARTEMIS
Not so fast, my little honey bunch. We can't afford to blow our cover, or lose this lead. We need to sit tight while I think of an efficient-yet-oh-so-dramatic method of extricating him.


CUT TO:

INT., ERBENZO'S HIDEAWAY -- NIGHT.

Erbenzo is putting every move known to man on Baron, who is struggling to keep the has-been General's hands from venturing into no-man's land.

ERBENZO
Cadida mia, your legs are so... hairy!

BARON
Yes, well, the nights in Madrid can be chilly, con carne.

ERBENZO
You need a real man to keep you warm!

As Erbenzo reaches higher, Baron pulls a derringer out from his garter belt, jams it under Erbenzo's chin, and cocks the hammer back.

BARON
I'm a lesbian.

ERBENZO (shocked)
But, I thought you were Castillian!?!

BARON
Have a seat, my little dictator. We're gonna chat.

Just then, the room suddenly fills with smoke, obliterating everything from view. We hear Baron and Erbenzo coughing and choking, then two more people hacking. The smoke clears, and we find Baron has been joined by Artemis and Elle, but Erbenzo is gone!

ARTEMIS
We're here to save you! Ha HA!!!

BARON
For fuck sake, man! I had it under control!
(more)

Baron looks around.

BARON
Great! The little bastard's buggered off!

ELLE
Can he swear like that?

ARTEMIS
Yeah. We're on cable.

ELLE (sizing up Baron's hoop-skirt)
Hmm... Wyatt Burp... So, uh, tell me... What do you wear under your kil- uh, skirt?

BARON
Only one way to find out.

ARTEMIS
We don't have time for this.

BARON
Speak for yourself, Toshiro Mifune.

Elle crawls up under Baron's skirt.

ARTEMIS
So, where from here?

BARON
Well, we could go- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

ARTEMIS
Go where?

BARON
Where the Mi- hi - hin - yo - oh, yeah, right the-ere-ere-ere...

ARTEMIS
Follow the directions from Loveless' Minion? But they were incomplete.

BARON
Y-y-y-y-ou got a beh - OH! - better idea?

ARTEMIS
I guess you're right. Well, let's go.

BARON
I'll ca-ATCH up with you. I need to, to, to... OH MY GOD! I need to find some men's clothing.

CUT TO:

EXT., OUTSIDE ERBENZO'S HIDEAWAY -- NIGHT.

Artemis strips off his samurai costume to reveal a snappy western outfit beneath the laquer armor. As he is replacing his helmet with a Stetson, a whip cracks and pulls the helmet from his hand.

GIGI
Trouble, citizen?

ARTEMIS
Whiplash! How did you find us here?

GIGI
We have our ways.

Elle and Baron come outside to meet them. Baron is wearing one of Erbenzo's uniforms. It's a little tight.

ELLE
Well, if it isn't Whiplash! Ill-met by moonlight, Mistress?

Just then, a flaming arrow flies and sticks into the ground at their feet. They look up into the darkness to see themselves surrounded by INDIANS on horseback.

INDIAN CHIEF
White Honkey Bitch!

ELLE
Fo shizzle, my nizzle!
(more)

The CHIEF and FOUR BRAVES dismount and approach the group. (The Chief is played by Snoop Doggy Dogg.) He and Elle exchange a series of gestures and handshakes that could confuse a 33rd Degree Mason.

ELLE
Whut up, Dawg?

CHIEF
L.B.C. represent!

ELLE
Chief, meet Whiplash, Wyatt Burp, and Wild Bill Coldcock. This is Chief Pimps-On-Sunset, leader of the Long Beach Piru Crips nation.

CHIEF
Whut up, yo? White Honkey Bitch, whut da shizzle?

ARTEMIS
Someone care to translate?

ELLE
I was adopted by the tribe when I was a child. "White Honkey Bitch" is my Indian name. The Chief wants to know what's going on here. (to the Chief) Whut you be doin' uptown, yo?

CHIEF
Shit... Whitey been signifyin', movin' in on da hood. Gotta represent.

ELLE
The Chief says that the settlers are encrouching upon their hunting ground, and they're forming a war party to drive the pioneers back.

CHIEF
We gonna slap da ma-fucka wit da choochoos hard-like.

ELLE
Someone has been stealing trains. Not just robbing them, but stealing the trains. That person is their target.

ARTEMIS
Elle, ask the Chief if he wants to join forces with us.

ELLE
Yo, Dawg, dees boyeez wanna solid truce. Help y'all bitch-slap dat ma-fucka all the way to N.Y.C.

CHIEF
Word?

ELLE
Word is bond.

The Chief pulls a four-foot long wooden tube out of his saddle bag, and loads something into a bowl-like chamber at the bottom.

CHIEF
Boo-Ya. Word is bond. Smoke on it, yo.

BARON
I like this guy already.

ARTEMIS
But I don't smoke.

ELLE
Do it, or they'll think you're a signifier, and that will cost us this alliance, and your scalp.

ARTEMIS
Shit! My Brotha! Pass it on! Don't be bogartin'!

CUT TO:

EXT., THE HILLS ABOVE ERBENZO'S HIDEAWAY -- NIGHT.

POV: A PAIR OF BINOCULARS, LOOKING DOWN.

We see the Indians break-dancing around the camp fire to the native drums, the peace-bong being passed, and the sounds of chanting fill the night air.

INDIAN CHANT
Heyee, Ho! Heyee, Ho!
Go Wild Bill! It's your birfday!
Go Whiplash! Go Whiplash!...

LOVELESS (OS)
Oh dear, dear, dear... This just will not do.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

EXT. OUTSIDE ARTEMIS D'S TEEPEE --MORNING
The flap of the teepee opens and a big cloud of smoke comes out.

Artemis D emerges, stretches and cricks his neck.

Gigi/Whiplash comes out, adjusts her leather bustier, and putting on her Whiplash mask.

WHIPLASH
That was a very interesting language lesson.

ARTEMIS D
I try to make everything educational.

WHIPLASH
Will you keep my identity secret.

ARTEMIS D
Sure baby.

Artemis gives Whiplash a pat on the ass, and she responds with a girlish giggle.

WHIPLASH
You're a sexist pig, but you make me so damn hot.

ARTEMIS D
I give every woman the screaming thigh sweats, baby. If I wasn't so humble, I'd be a real egomaniac, and then I wouldn't be so perfect.

Baron comes out of another teepee.

BARON
Two riders are coming.

ARTEMIS D
Our help has arrived. Come with me Baron.

CUT TO:

EXT. ENTRANCE TO CAMP --CONTINUOUS
Baron, Artemis D, and Whiplash watch as THE LONE RANGER and TONTO ride up.

RANGER
Hi yo Silver! Hi there Artemis. You must be Baron and Whiplash.

ARTEMIS D
You got my message.

TONTO
Sure did. We were antiquing in Dodge City when we got your message...

RANGER
That's not how you're supposed to talk!

TONTO
Come on Bruce, we're with friends, don't make me...

RANGER
Remember our image, Julian.

TONTO
Shit. All right, but tonight, I'm the pitcher. (to Artemis D with a thick stereotypical accent) We get message. See friend in heap big trouble. So we ride here heap fast.

BARON
That's great. We could use all the help we can get.

ELLE comes running out of another tent, cocking her rifle.

ELLE
People are coming, it looks like the cavalry.

BARON
Maybe they can help?

ARTEMIS D
Not when they're harrassing our native allies.

RANGER
Sounds like trouble.

Artemis looks east and sees a dust cloud approaching fast. He takes a telescope out of his jacket and studies the approaching riders.

He the hands the telescope to Baron.

ARTEMIS
What do they look like to you?

BARON
They look like cavalry.

ARTEMIS
Close, but no cigar. Cavalry uniforms are blue. There uniforms are...

BARON
Purple. They're not cavalry. They're the Purple Haze Gang.

ARTEMIS
The vilest mercenaries in the west.

WHIPLASH
How did they find us?

ELLE
I only told my toady Jmoronic where we were going and he's...

CUT TO:

EXT. PURPLE RIDERS --DAY
Jmoronic's now wearing a purple shirt and riding alongside Purple Riders chief BIG BOSS SEEDY.

JMORONIC
Now I'll show her who's the real Queen of the Outlaws!

SEEDY
What?

JMORONIC
I mean King! King of the Outlaws!

Seedy gives Jmoronic a suspicious look and rides on.

SEEDY
Let's just get them, then Loveless'll pay us!

CUT TO:

EXT. ENTRANCE TO CAMP --CONTINUOUS
Baron, Artemis D, Elle, Whiplash, Lone Ranger & Tonto watch the Purple Riders approach.

TONTO
There's a lot of them...

Ranger give Tonto a scolding look.

TONTO
I mean... Heap many bad men! Heap bad medicine... I feel like a tool...

ELLE
Well, we can take them on, we've got my Indian family to help...

Elle turns around to see that the entire Indian camp has vanished, leaving only their horses and gear behind.

ELLE
Son of a bitch!

WHIPLASH
I blame the writer for them leaving us like this. He just can't write ebonics.

BARON
We need cover.

RANGER
There's an abandoned mission over that hill. We can hold them off there.

ARTEMIS D
Perfect. I happen to have a few tricks up my sleeve.

WHIPLASH
And other places.

ARTEMIS D
You're a dirty, dirty girl, I like that.

BARON
Let's ride.

CUT TO:

EXT. OLD MISSION COURTYARD --DAY
Baron and Artemis set up a barricade while Elle, Whiplash, Ranger and Tonto take up defensive positions with their guns.

RANGER
No Tonto. I'll take the high spot on the wall, you go by those old barrels.

TONTO
But this is the best spot.

RANGER
Tonto, remember...

TONTO
No, you remember this Bruce. I'm sick and tired of taking your orders! You're a cow and I hate you!

Ranger looks at Tonto offended.

RANGER
Well, I've never...

TONTO
I'm sick and tired of having to talk like a stupid stereotype! I'm sick and tired of living a lie!

RANGER
But our image!

TONTO
It's a lie! I'm coming out of the closet and I don't care who finds out.

ELLE
Sorry to break the news, but you two were never in the closet. Now let's kick some ass!

BARON
Here they come!

The Purple Riders burst through the barricade. There's a mad flurry of gunfire. Purple Riders fall dead by the bushel.

One climbs over a wall and grabs Elle. She nuts him and then backflips over his head. While in mid-air she pulls off a Matrix style kick and sends him flying.

Whiplash whips Purple Riders down with one hand while shooting others with a pistol in the other.

Tonto and Ranger shoot Purple Riders down. The the Lone Ranger is wounded in the arm.

RANGER
Dammit! The Lone Ranger never gets hit!

Baron's doing some rapid fire with a winchester. While Artemis seems to sprout pistols and knives whereever they're needed.

Two Purple Riders grab Artemis D's arms while another charges at him from the front.

The crotch of Artemis's pants opens up and a spring loaded pistol pops out and blasts the charging Rider away. He then executes a perfect Kung Fu spin and knocks out the other two Riders.

BARON
Now that's a handy weapon.

ARTEMIS D
It's only for emergencies, because it feels like a kick in the nuts. Oooooh....

Boss Seedy charges into the fray atop his black steed. A cluster of lit dynamite in his hand.

SEEDY
Now it's my turn to blow you! Up that is! Bwah-hah-hah!

BARON
Take cover!

Baron dives to tackle Seedy while the other heros dive for cover.

KA-BOOM!

There's a blinding flash!

CUT TO:

EXT. OLD MISSION COURTYARD --MOMENTS LATER
Smoke clear, revealing a dozen dead, Purple Riders and a wrecked mission. Artemis, Elle, Whiplash, and the Lone Ranger and Tonto emerge from the rubble.

RANGER
I'm sorry I've treated so badly all these years. I want to come out too Julian. The critics be damned. Life's too short, will you marry me?

TONTO
Yes! I love you Bruce!

WHIPLASH
Isn't that sweet, in a disturbing kind of way.

ELLE
I'm just happy I got to kick some ass.

ARTEMIS D
Wait a minute. Where's Baron?

CUT TO:

INT. CAVERN --DAY
Baron wakes up chained to a wall in a vast cavern. The only lights are from a few torches. Standing guard over him are Boss Seedy and Jmoronic.

SEEDY
We delivered you alive, just like our boss ordered.

BARON
Who, Rory L. Loveless?

ERBENZO (OS)
No, me.

Baron turns to see Erbenzo, in his full dress uniform, carrying a bouquet of flowers.

ERBENZO
I knew we'd meet again my little tamale.

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

BARON
I should have known. Every time that other writer does an episode, he has me practically getting butt-raped by the conclusion. I'm not the one who wrote about his alter-ego getting a "dog in the bathtub"!

Seedy snickers.

ERBENZO
Yes, well... he's on my payroll.

BARON
That figures. Well, General, what sort of perversity is on the agenda for today?

ERBENZO
Do you not like my flowers?

BARON
Oh, yeah... They're great. I would have preferred chocolates, but what the hell.

JMORONIC (whispering to Seedy)
He never brings me flowers.

SEEDY
No kidding. He could at least hold me afterwards.

ERBENZO
Enough, you two! This is between me and... What did you say your name was?

BARON
Janet. Miss Jackson, if you're nasty.

As Erbenzo moves in to snatch a kiss from Baron, he's interrupted by a familiar voice.

CHIEF (OS)
Yo, yo, yo! Ma Brotha Wes!

BARON
Chief! In here! Hurry!
(more)

Chief Pimps-On-Sunset comes charging in with about a dozen Long Beach Piru Crip Braves, all waving AK-47s.

BARON
Yo, ma nizzle! Smoke deez fooz like it ain't no thang!

Erbenzo drops his flowers, and he, Seedy and Jmoronic disappear down a channel in the cave.

ERBENZO
We will meet again, cara mia!
(more)

The Chief aims his Saturday Night Special, and pegs Erbenzo in the ass.

ERBENZO
Aiyeeeee!!!

The Chief barks out orders to his braves.

CHIEF
Cap dey asses!

BARON
No, Chief! Not yet!

CHIEF
Sho why not, Bra?

BARON
We need them for dramatic effect later.

CHIEF
Say whut?

BARON
Uh... Dem bizotchez gon come down coo on da flip, yo.

CHIEF
Right on.

As Baron and the Chief have a brief discussion, subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen.

BARON
Where you be in da a.m., yo? Da man almos fuzzled us fo sho.
Where did you disappear to this morning? We were almost killed.

CHIEF
Shit, we be kickin' it at da crib wit gin an juice. S'coo, yo.
I had a pretty bad hangover, so I went home for a little "hair of the dog." Sorry about that.

BARON
Dig. S'coo, yo. Word. Ma-fuckin' Canadian ma-fucka don know shizzle on hood speak, yo. He be signifyin', but I be down wit him fo now.
I understand. I knew you hadn't broken our pact. But for all that other writer claims to be a linguist, he knows how to survive on the street for shit. Ah, hell... I'm stuck with him. What are you gonna do? He's Canadian.

CHIEF
Canadian? Shiiiiiiit!
He's Canadian? No wonder. You have my deepest sympathy.

CUT TO:

EXT., THE OLD MISSION -- DAY.

Whiplash, Elle and Tonto are sitting in the shade of the remaining part of the Mission's roof, sipping Coldcock Julips. Mean while, the Lone Ranger is trying to help Artemis disengage the crotch pistol, which is now hanging on to him like a vise.

ARTEMIS
Ow, ow, ow... Easy, Bruce.

RANGER
Oh, that's going to leave such a mark. I wonder if we could cut it -

ARTEMIS
No cutting!

RANGER
I meant the lock lever, Artemis.

TONTO
Just keep your hands on the six-shooter, bitch.

RANGER
You know, when I want lip from you, I'll scrap it off my zipper, Miss Thang! (to Artemis) God, will you listen to her! (to Tonto) Why couldn't I have Silent Bob for a side kick? At least then I could keep my private life private! You can just go on being Tonto. Do you know what they're going to start calling me? Lone Ranger will be passe. I can just hear it now. "Oh, look! It's the Rump Ranger!" Honestly, Julian!

ARTEMIS
Can we just concentrate on getting this off?

The Ranger pulls slightly.

RANGER
Oh! Here it comes...

We hear the sound of something tearing.

RANGER
Oopsies.

ARTEMIS
OOPSIES?!? I'm afraid to look.

RANGER
Oh, you little girl! Your pants tore, that's all.

ARTEMIS
That's all? I don't have another pair with me.

Tonto, Elle and Whiplash walk over to see what the commotion is all about. They see Artemis' predicament, and giggle amongst themselves.

WHIPLASH
No wonder you insisted on putting out the teepee lamp last night.

ELLE
How did you get that pistol to hold on?

TONTO
Now, girls! He's just caught a chill, that's all! (to Artemis) Come on, Honey, I've got something for you to wear.

Tonto takes Artemis to the other side of the building, grabbing a saddlebag on the way. As they disappear from sight, Baron rides up with Chief Pimps-On-Sunset and his army of braves.

ELLE
Alright! I knew my brothas would come through.

Baron and the Chief dismount.

BARON
I'm back. Where's Artemis?

WHIPLASH
He had to go change clothes.

BARON
Oh. Okay. Well, I have a plan, and our friends here are going to help us. First, gather up all the wood from the rubble, here, and get those old wagon wheels...

LAPSE DISSOLVE TO:

SAME, LATER THAT DAY.

WHIPLASH
Artemis, you don't have to prove anything! No one is doubting your masculinity.

We see Artemis D., with a rope over his shoulder, straining as he pulls something heavy. As the camera dollies back, we see Artemis is wearing his Stetson, black silk shirt, and leather chaps with a jock strap. He's pulling a wooden replica of a steam train out into the open.

BARON (turning to look into the camera)
I hope you're all getting the symbolism here.

ARTEMIS
Is this far enough?

ELLE
Oh, yeah... I think everybody's got the joke by now.

WHIPLASH
Now what?

BARON
Everybody into the train.
(more)

Baron turns to the Chief to say his farewells.

BARON
Yo, ma Brotha. Dis be da get-off.

CHIEF
Well, call if you need anything.

BARON
What?

CHIEF
Y'all gots da digits, a'ight?

BARON
Word.

With that, the Chief mounts up, and the Long Beach Piru Crips ride off into the sunset. Baron then joins the others in the "Trojan Train," and waits. They don't wait long, as there is a sudden rumbling on the ground beneath the train. Then, without further warning, the earth beneath it seems to suck the train down!

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. DARK DAMP TUNNEL --DAY
The wooden train replica fall through a hole in the Earth and lands on an underground track it then rockets on a downward slope.

INT. TRAIN REPLICA --CONTINUOUS
Everybody rocks violently back and forth from the speeding train wild ride.

Artemis D comes out of a hatch, dressed back in his natty western attire.

BARON
This ride reminds me of a time in Tijuana...

ARTEMIS D
It's not a good time for your donkey show story, what with us all going to die and all.

BARON
How'd you know about that story.

ARTEMIS
It's in your records. Filed under "Too Much Information."

Artemis D shudders.

ELLE
Where are we going?

LONE RANGER
We're heading into the very heart of danger.

TONTO
Don't be such a drama queen. He doesn't have a clue where we're going.

WHIPLASH lights up a cigar and takes a long, slow drag.

WHIPLASH
Looks like we're going to be on this ride for a while. Anybody have anything to drink.

ARTEMIS D
As a matter of fact, I do.

Artemis reaches into his pack and takes out a six pack of Badgerbrau.

ARTEMIS D
This beer was rated number one by the League of American Alcoholics.

TONTO
Don't give anything to Bruce. He's one of those sappy drunks.

LONE RANGER
You bitch. If I were you, I wouldn't be having any either, you're stretching your buckskins a little too much lately.

TONTO
Oh, that's it.

BARON
Will you two can it. Let's all have a drink.

Everyone takes a long drag on their bottles of Badgerbrau.

Chompy emerges from Artemis D's backpack, sniffing the air.

ARTEMIS
Chompy smells danger.

BARON
Is he accurate?

ARTEMIS
He sniffed out GIGLI a full 2 months before it was released.

ELLE
Hey, we're going down another tunnel.

INT. DARK TUNNEL --CONTINUOUS
The mock train rockets down the track and into a narrow entrance. Then it rolls back out, then back in, then out, then in...

INT. MOCK TRAIN --CONTINUOUS
Everybody's back to rocking back and forth.

TONTO
I haven't felt this much movement in months!

LONE RANGER
I've got one nerve left you cow, and you're on it!

ARTEMIS D
Something's happening!

INT. ANOTHER DARK TUNNEL --CONTINUOUS
The train goes back into the entrance and suddenly it's fragile wooden frame bursts open, ejaculating the people out onto the floor.

They all land with a thud.

BARON
That was strangely arousing.

WHIPLASH
Now where are we?

LOVELESS (OS)
Why my lovely Whiplash, you're in my kingdom now!

The lights go up revealing a huge cavern. The hundred foot high walls are lined with ancient pueblo style dwellings. The MISSING PASSENGERS haul parts and pieces under the watchful eyes of Purple Riders.

RORY L. LOVELESS emerges from the shadows. He's just an upper body perched on an eleborate steampunk style wheelchair, replete with various dials and levers.

LOVELESS
So, you've survived all my previous traps. But you won't escape this one.

Loveless pulls a lever and a trapdoor opens beneath them. They all plunge into the darkness.

Erbenzo comes out of the shadows.

ERBENZO
Farewell my little dorito.

LOVELESS
You're a freak. But that's the last we'll see of them. No one survives a meeting with my little schnookums.

INT. DARK CAVERN --DAY
Our heros get up. They're in another cave, except this one is strewn with crunched and chewed up human bones.

BARON
This is never a good sign.

There's a loud thudding noise from down another tunnel.

BARON
And that's an even worse sign.

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[blingbling]

I think that I would be a shoe in for Secretary of the Treasury.

[The Baron]

The "thud, thud, thud" of huge footsteps grows closer and closer, and our heroes look frantically for an escape route or crannies in which to hide.

ARTEMIS
We're in a cul de sac, and I left all my secret weapons in my other pants.

WHIPLASH
Trojan Train... Great idea. Thanks.

BARON
You're not helping.

A huge, orb-like object rounds a corner from the darkness in front of them.

VOICE (OS)
So, you guys work for the Federal Government? Any comment on how the Federal system is based on the pattern of the Masonic Lodge? I smell a conspiracy here.

ARTEMIS
Oh my God! It's Michael Moore!

They all scream.

TONTO
Jesus, Honey, who dresses you?

RANGER
Someone fell into The Gap, alright.

MOORE
Oh, come on. You guys know what's going on in Washington. Does President Grant really drink as much as rumors say he does? Is it true that he requested a special budget just for his liquor cabinet, which he refers to as his "administration"?

ARTEMIS
No comment.

BARON
No comment.

MOORE
That's not a denial.

ELLE
Wait a damn minute!!! I have something to say.
(more)

They all wait, in hushed anticipation. A single spotlight, directly over Elle, illuminates her.

ELLE
When I was a little girl, my momma passed away. I was raised by my daddy, the best he knew how. No, he wasn't perfect, bein' a single father, raisin' a girl-child. Instead of teachin' me to curl my hair, he taught me how to shoot a gun. Instead of tea, he taught me how to drink whiskey. Then the day came that we were out on the lone prairie, and Daddy got bit by a diamond-back rattler. He got bit on the butt. Well, he looked at me and said, "Elle, you gotta suck the poison out." And I turned to him, with tears runnin' down my face and said, "Daddy, I think you're not gonna make it." Well, I buried him right there, and yeah, he wiggled a bit while I was throwin' the dirt over him... Guess I shoulda waited, but I wanted to get a move on before sundown... and I treked out onto the plain. It was there, as I shivered in the chill of the night, half-crocked on my late pater's last bottle of Wild Turkey, that I was discovered by a party of kindly native savages...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., LOVELESS' LAIR -- NIGHT.

From an observation platform,Loveless and Erbenzo watch as the slaves construct a huge machine. From the shape of it, it's impossible to discern its purpose. At this point, it appears to be a huge, and we're talking HUGE, piggy bank, on wheels, with pistons and gears all over it.

ERBENZO
Do you really think this device of yours will work, Senor Loveless.

LOVELESS
Of course it will, you ninny. I told you, I'm an evil genius.

ERBENZO
Wha's that mean... Ninny?

LOVELESS
It's English for, uh, "Great Military Leader."

ERBENZO
Ahhh. Si. With the money I stole from my government, and your brains, we will both be ninnies! We are to be the biggest ninnies the world will ever see!

LOVELESS
Uh, yeah, sure.

ERBENZO
But why you have to kill my little nacho el grande?

LOVELESS
This is why your own advisors overthrew you in a coup, isn't it?

Seedy appears on the platform, having just stepped off of the lift.

SEEDY
Mr. Loveless...

ERBENZO
Fool! He is Ninny Loveless from now on!

SEEDY
Did he just call you a ninny?

LOVELESS
Shut up.

SEEDY
He's callin' you a fuckwit. Are you gonna put up with-

LOVELESS
What is it, Seedy?

SEEDY
I was just wondering if we should check in on how Moore is handling Mr. West and company.

LOVELESS
No, no... Schnookums likes to nap afterwards. We'll send the polished skulls of Baron West and Artemis D to the White House after my magnificent contraption is complete.

Loveless breaks into forced maniacal laughter.

CUT TO:

INT., MOORE'S CAVERN -- LATER THAT NIGHT.

Elle is still talking, oblivious to the snoring of all those around her.

ELLE
... Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York... Or is it "son", as in a boy-child. Hmm... That would be sexist as hell, wouldn't it? Of course, Richard is making reference to the scion of the Royal lineage. Kind of a non-sexual double entendre. (she looks around) How rude! My one moment in the sun, and these jerkoffs are all asleep.

Elle goes around waking everybody.

ARTEMIS
Huh! Wha?

RANGER
Oh, yeah... That was fascinating.

ELLE
Baron, wake up.

BARON
Wake up? I was just resting my eyes. I was watching that.

ARTEMIS
Hey...

BARON
What?

ARTEMIS
Moore's sleeping. This is our chance.

BARON
Elle, that was ingenious.

TONTO
You go, girl!

ELLE
Oh... yeah... I had it all planned.

BARON
Which way?

ARTEMIS
Back the way Moore came. Maybe there's a way out, or up, or something.

WHIPLASH
Better than being stuck here. Let's do it.

They tip-toe behind Moore, and head down the passage into the darkness.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

INT. TUNNEL --DAY
Baron, Artemis, Elle, Whiplash, Lone Ranger and Tonto wander lost down a dark tunnel.

ELLE
Another damn tunnel! And another pointless line!

BARON
You got your monologue.

ARTEMIS D
Our luck is changing.

Artemis reaches behind a rock and pulls out his lost backpack.

Chompy emerges from the backpack.

ARTEMIS
Chompy!

BARON
Wait a minute, Artemis, don't you keep all your extra weapons in there?

ARTEMIS D
Exactly. Plus I've got disguises for everybody.

CUT TO:

INT. TUNNEL --MOMENTS LATER
The gang have now donned their disguises. Baron's now dressed as an Indian Chief, Artemis as a motorcycle cop, Lone Ranger as a leather clad biker, Tonto as a construction worker, and Elle and Whiplash as the girls from ABBA and Chompy's disguised one of the guys from ABBA with a blond wig and glued on beard.

BARON
Are you sure these are going to work?

ARTEMIS D
They're the only disguises I have left, and besides, my pants alone carry over seventy-six different weapons.

ELLE
That's convenient.

RANGER
Let's kick some Loveless butt!

WHIPLASH
I don't think he has a butt.

TONTO
Let's get this over with, I'm missing WILL & GRACE.

CUT TO:

INT. MASSIVE CAVERN --DAY
Our heros emerge from a tunnel into one of the abandoned Pueblo buildings that line the wall of the cavern.

BARON
Do you know what indians built this place Tonto?

TONTO
Who do I look like, Mr. Freaking anthroplogy expert on all things Indian? I'm from Ontario, ask me the best way to Yonge street, and maybe I can help you, but it's not like all us Indians know each other!

BARON
Chill out Tonto.

ELLE
What are they building down there?

Everybody looks over and sees the massive wheeled construction. It looks like a cross between a piggy bank, a train, and a tank.

HARRY (OS)
Rory calls it his 'Derailer.'

Everyone turns to see Harry Bawles, sipping on a super-sized Slurpee.

HARRY
He's planning on using it to destroy America's rail system and replace it with a series of paved highways.

WHIPLASH
How can people get around without trains?

HARRY
Look over there.

Harry points to another point on the cave floor where captured passengers are assembling hundreds of oversized trucks.

BARON
Are they some kind of horseless carriages?

HARRY
He calls them Sport Utility Vehicles. The plan is for them to replace all other forms of transportation.

ARTEMIS D
Where are their steam engines?

HARRY
Cousin Erbenzo says they don't run on steam, but something made from oil found here in Texas.

ELLE
Oil in Texas, now that's crazy talk.

ARTEMIS D
Why such vehicles are impractical. They're too big, unsafe, and will only create traffic jams and tons of harsh smoky carbon monoxide.

BARON
People won't buy into such a crazy form of transportation. Even from here and my limited nineteenth century knowledge of engineering I can see that they're top heavy and will flip over on a dime.

HARRY
I don't think he plans to give them a choice.

WHIPLASH
This reminds me of a time when I was little girl.

Everybody moans.

WHIPLASH
Elle got her monologue, now it's my turn. When I was a young'un, my momma and pappy were killed in a freak elephant riding accident and I was taken in by a pack of Presbyterian weasel ranchers. Times were tough because weasels don't have much meat on them...

ARTEMIS D
No time now. We've got to destroy the Derailer.

BARON
But how?

ARTEMIS D
It's American made. There's bound to be some big safety flaw in there.

HARRY
Can I come?

BARON
No.

WHIPLASH
Can I finish my monologue?

BARON
No.

LOVELESS (OS)
I'm affraid that you're too late to stop me!

Everyone turns another direction to see Loveless, his elaborate wheelchair floating on a hot air balloon.

LOVELESS
I don't know how you managed to bore schnookums to death. But you're not going to get away now!

ELLE
Bonobo!

LOVELESS
What?

ELLE
I just like saying that. Bonobo!

LOVELESS
Time for you all to die now!

Loveless pulls another lever and a missile emerges from his wheelchair. He then presses a button and the missile launches, right at our heros.

TO BE CONTINUED::eek:

[The Baron]

As the deadly projectile zooms toward them, Artemis tosses his backpack to one side, then pushes Bawles into the others, knocking them out of the lethal path of the missile.

BARON
Arte! No!

Artemis takes the missile in a direct hit to the chest. He's vaporized by the explosion.

Loveless, now traveling through a skylight that has opened in the dome-like roof of the cavern, laughs and taunts the remaining heroes.

LOVELESS
Ha-HA! Without Artemis D's fancy-shmancy inventions, you don't stand a chance against me! I win! I win!

Erbenzo comes out of one of the pueblo-style dwellings, also in a hot air balloon, and follows Loveless through the aperture.

ERBENZO
We win, Senor Loveless! We are the Supreme Ninnies of the World!

Both Loveless and Erbenzo disappear through the opening. As they do, an oath is taken below.

BARON
Damn you, Loveless! I will not rest until I have avenged the death of Artemis D, you bastard! From the heart of Hell, I spit at thee!

ELLE
Yeah! What he said!

WHIPLASH
Poor Artemis. He was actually almost an adequate lover.

TONTO
Yeah, he was.

RANGER
You slut!

WHIPLASH
God, I remember how he used to vibrate. It's like it was only yesterday.

ELLE
Uh, Whiplash, it was only yesterday.

WHIPLASH
Oh... Yeah.

BARON
Not now, guys. We need to find Loveless and Erbenzo. Then we can properly mourn the passing of an... okay guy.

BAWLES
Ah, forget about him. He was a tool.

BARON
Hey, fat-ass, have a little respect for the dead.

BAWLES
No, seriously...
(more)

Bawles unzips the front of his outfit, and pulls back his head to reveal... ARTEMIS D!

ARTEMIS
He was a tool, a new invention of mine. I call it an "android."

Whiplash jumps into Artemis' arms and lays a lip-locker on him.

BARON
Artemis D, you crazed son-of-a-bitch! How did you pull this off?

ARTEMIS
Elementary, my dear Baron. Last night, while everyone was asleep, I snuck out to do a little scouting. Thinking ahead, I put the android in my tent so no one would notice that I was gone. I went to the cave where you had been held captive, found the entrance to the secret lair, slipped into my Harry Bawles costume, and the rest is history.

WHIPLASH
You mean that last night, I was getting it on with some kind of electronic device.

RANGER
Oh, like that would be the first time that ever happened.

TONTO
Do you think you might be willing to sell me one of those android-things? Maybe a Brad Pitt version?

BARON
Then where is the real Harry Bawles?

BAWLES (OS)
Hanging right here!
(more)

They turn to see the real Harry Bawles emerge from the shadows.

BAWLES
My cousin, Erbenzo, had me kidnapped to be used as a scale model for the body of the Derailer.

Suddenly, there's a sound of an immense engine turning over. They all look to the direction of the noise, and see the Derailer's gears beginning to turn, it's pistons pumping.

ELLE
Holy crap! What's it doing?

TONTO
I don't know, but it's giving me a chubby.

BAWLES
Oh, no! It's about to begin its mission of destroying the cross-country railroad system!

The Derailer begins a slow forward motion.

BARON
Bawles... Is there any way to get inside that thing?

BAWLES
I don't know!

ARTEMIS
It's our chance to escape. Let's take a look at it before it leaves us behind.

They all surround the Derailer, looking for an opening in its outer shell.

ELLE
Hey! Back here!

Our heroes run to the rear of the pig-like machine, where Elle is standing. She points up at an opening, just beneath what appears to be a curly tail.

ELLE
There!

WHIPLASH
Looks like an exit to me.

RANGER
Maybe to you, fish!

ARTEMIS
Everybody... Inside!

They all clamber up and into the opening.

CUT TO:

INT., THE DERAILER -- CONTINUOUS.

PITCH BLACK.

BARON
Damn, it's dark in here.

ARTEMIS
Whiplash, are those your hands on my shoulders?

WHIPLASH
No.

ARTEMIS
What the-? Julian!

TONTO
Sorry, Artemis.

RANGER
When we get out of here, you have sooo had it, bitch.

SEEDY
You mean if you get out of here.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Furious D]

PITCH BLACK

SEEDY
I've got the drop on all of you. Now put your hands up.

BARON
It's pitch black, how can you see us.

SEEDY
Well, technically I can't, but I gotta pretty good guess where you are.

ARTEMIS D
You're forgetting one thing.

SEEDY
What?

ARTEMIS D
Badgers have excellent senses of smell. Chompy, balls.

There's a loud chomping sound and a highpitched squeal.

BARON
That's it, I'm lighting a match.

ARTEMIS D
Don't, there's gasoline fumes in the air, you'll blow us all up.

BARON
That's what that is, I thought someone had cut the cheese.

ELLE
Maybe someone did...

ARTEMIS D
Don't worry. Hey, Tonto, watch where your hands are going.

WHIPLASH
That's me this time.

ARTEMIS D
Never mind.

ELLE
I think I found a window.

Elle opens a window letting sunlight into what we now see is a cramped little engine room.

Seedy's lying on the floor, Chompy's jaws clamped on his groin, the slightest increase in pressure will have Seedy singing soprano.

SEEDY
Okay, I give up. I'll do whatever you want.

BARON
Tell us how we can stop this infernal machine!

SEEDY
I don't know! Do you think I'd be riding around Texas in a purple cowboy suit if I knew anything!

WHIPLASH
He's got a point.

Suddenly the engine revs to life and the whole Derailer shudders and starts moving.

ELLE
Looks like the porker's on the move.

BARON
We've only got one option to stop this thing.

ARTEMIS D
Smashy-smashy?

BARON
Yep.

CUT TO:

EXT. MOUTH OF CAVERN --DAY
The huge machine lumbers out of the cavern. Then it stops dead. From inside we hear the sounds of machinery being busted up. Then the massive pig-shaped machine tips over.

INT. BRIDGE OF DERAILER --CONTINUOUS
Jmoronic is at the controls, flicking switches, pulling levers and turning dials in the vain hope of righting the overturned beast.

JMORONIC
Come on work dammit!

The door bursts open and in comes our heros dragging the battered Seedy with them.

JMORONIC
Oh my god! It's the Village People and ABBA!

ELLE
I'm not with ABBA you dork, I'm Elle Starr Queen of the Bandits!

JMORONIC
Oh, crap. You're probably all pissed about the whole betraying and trying to kill you thing.

ELLE
Gee, you think so?

Elle grabs Jmoronic, punches him, kicks him, flips him, and then karate chops him unconscious.

BARON
Do you smell gas?

ELLE
It wasn't me this time.

ARTEMIS D
It's the fuel tank. It's leaking. We have to get out of here.

EXT. OUTSIDE DERAILER --MOMENTS LATER
The gang, minus Seedy & Jmoronic, comes running out of the Derailer which explodes in a ball of fire.

BARON
Well, that's the last of that evil scheme.

WHIPLASH
Maybe not! Look!

Above them is a massive airship made out of train cars and a monstrous hydrogen balloon made in the shape of Rory's head.

ARTEMIS D
They're getting away!

BARON
I know how we can catch them.

INT. MASSIVE CAVERN --MOMENT LATER
The gang start piling into one of Loveless's SUV's with Baron at the wheel.

BARON
According to the brochure this horseless carriage is perfect for