Film Threat Back Talk

Furious D · 03-01-2004, 11:49 AM

Here it is folks, the long awaited new drama for Film Threat Forum

NOT THE WEST WING
AKA- THE LEFT WING, THE RIGHT WING, THE CHICKEN WING

THE CAST SO FAR:

The President- The Baron. Pole Weasel Party Candidate who sweeps into power accompanied by his First Lady Paris Hilton. Things would be going great if he didn't have to deal with stuff like running governments and his no-good brother Judex.

The Vice President- Ellen M. Newly single, ruthless and power hungry. She seeks to destroy President Baron and take his place, if only she can control her secret lust for him.

Press Secretary- Rory L. Aronsky Discovers the secret of being a successful press secretary. Blame the Republicans and you can get away with anything. When the tough questions get asked, he whips out the baseball bat and lets out his battle-cry: "You ain't getting nothing outta me!" Was briefly married to actress Angelina Jolie, but she left him for Billy Bob Thornton, the ultimate humiliation. His memories of the marriage are vague because it happened on the same night he discovered jello-shots.

Secretary of Dirty Tricks- Furious D Runs the Pentagon, FBI, CIA, NSA, IRS, Secret Service and League of Women Voters. Ruthless, deadly, and is the Supreme Grand Poobah of the Secret Fraternal and Beneficial Order of the Pole Weasel. His only weakness: Redheads stun him like kryptonite. Plus he has an infinite variety of handsome clones who do his evil bidding.

Secretary of State- GiGi Part time master diplomat, part time dominatrix, occassional lipstick lesbian (she promises), friend of badgers worldwide and fan of ancient greek poetry.

Warlord of BC- The Dude Cranky Alienated Western Canadian who occassionally plots to take over the world, but is more often just a puppet of those smarter than him.

Last seen stranded on the Island of Beautiful Clones.

President's Brother- Judex No good wastrel who ran the world's most unsuccessful pornography business Jude-XXX into the ground. Only an occasional visitor to the White House since he's frequently kidnapped and/or in rehab.

First Lady- Paris Hilton-Baron Doesn't know much about politics. Doesn't know much about anything, really. But can spot a Jimmy Choo Boutique from over a mile away.

International Pervert-Seedy Edgewick World renowned deviant and Hong Kong sex club proprietor. Made the mistake of pissing off the Big D, and was last seen with his brains dribbling down the shirt of one of his minions.

Vice Presidential Assistant-Jmoronic Ellen's abused toady. Last seen being processed into haggis by a gang of nasty Scottish stereotypes. Ach!

All volunteers and contributors are welcome.

There is only one rule. If you contribute an episode, it must end with a cliffhanger and the person who follows it, must solve that cliffhanger. Other than that: Go nuts.

WARNING: If you do contribute, you run the risk of being made a character in the show. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

Furious D · 03-01-2004, 11:52 AM

NOT THE WEST WING
EPISODE #1: THE INAUGURATION’S OTHER BALL

INT. NEWS STUDIO --DAY
ANCHORMAN, a very serious and sober looking newsman is talking to the camera.

ANCHORMAN
Good evening and welcome to CNN’s live coverage of the inauguration of President Baron. The first non-Republican or Democrat to become President. Joining me now is political loudmouth James Carville.

Camera angle changes to include JAMES CARVILLE.

ANCHORMAN
What’s your theory on how this political and social outsider became President of the United States? I mean he did win with 99% of the popular vote.

CARVILLE
What we got here is a case of mistaken identity. People looked at their ballot and saw “Pole Weasel Party” and immediately thought it was referring to Republicans or Democrats.

ANCHORMAN
Sorry to cut you off, but we now go live to the swearing in ceremony.

CUT TO:

EXT. CAPITOL STEPS –DAY
The CHIEF JUSTICE is holding a bible and THE BARON’s got his hand on it. Looking on is the new first Lady PARIS HILTON-BARON, and VP ELLEN M.

CHIEF JUSTICE
Do you solemnly swear to uphold and protect the constitution of the United States?

BARON
What’s with all the questions?
(Ellen whispers in Baron’s ear to remind him)
Oh, yeah the oath. Yeah sure. Now can we wrap this up? This book is burning my hand.

Baron holds up his hand, singed from contact with the bible.

Baron shakes hands with the Chief Justice.

CHIEF JUSTICE
Congratulations Mr. President.

ANNOUNCER (OS)
Please rise for our national anthem.

Everybody comes to attention. WILLIAM HUNG from American Idol steps out and takes to the microphone.

HUNG
She bangs! She bangs!

BARON
(Whisper to Ellen)
How did Bush get that made the new national anthem?

ELLEN
Damned if I know.

BARON
Now it’s time to party.

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM –NIGHT
Elegantly dressed bigwigs dance the night away. President Baron’s talking with FURIOUS D.

BARON
How are things going at your new department?

FURIOUS D
Some congressman said I had too much power controlling the FBI, CIA, Pentagon, and the IRS. I had all his money seized in a tax audit and sent him to Guantanamo Bay as an enemy combatant. Rory’s selling it to the press right now.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESS ROOM –NIGHT
RORY is at the podium with reporters waving for his attention.

RORY
We’ve decided that imprisoning the congressman without trial was the right thing to do.

REPORTER
How can you violate a sitting member of congress’s civil rights like that?

RORY
He was a Republican congressman after all.

The Reporters then mutter amongst themselves with things like: “Oh, that makes it all right then.”

RORY
Next question. The guy from ABC.

ABC REPORTER
It’s come to our attention that our new president has a somewhat shady past. In fact, we have proof that he’s made sex tapes of himself, the First Lady, and the female cast of the Joffrey Ballet’s production of the Nutcracker.

RORY
That’s a damn lie.

ABC REPORTER
But his own campaign financial reports showed that he paid for his campaign by marketing these same sex-tapes on the Internet.

RORY
That sounds like the kind of question an Al-Qaida sympathizer might ask. (to GOONS) Take him away!

Two Goons grab the ABC Reporter and drag him into the next room. The door slams shut, there’s a muffled gunshot and the thud of a body hitting the floor.

NBC REPORTER
What was that?

RORY
Nothing. Just a pigeon.

NBC REPORTER
That sounded like a gunshot.
Rory takes out a baseball bat and clocks the NBC Reporter across the head.

RORY
You ain’t getting anything outta me!!

CUT TO:

INT. BALLROOM –NIGHT
Ellen’s at the bar being served a martini.

STINKY (OS)
Hello Ellen.

Ellen turns in surprise to see her ex-husband STINKY the Quizno’s Rodent in a tuxedo.

ELLEN
What the hell are you doing here? I thought they sprayed this place for pests.

STINKY
I bought the Baron’s tape and that qualifies me as a political donor. How’s Stinky jr?

ELLEN
He’s doing very well in school considering the kid’s can’t come up with anything worse than calling him Stinky jr.

STINKY
Oh, Ellen, why’d you ever leave me?

ELLEN
You’re affair with Rory for one. Your addiction to Enzyte and Nyquil was another.

STINKY
That wasn’t an affair. He ate me with a stick up my tukus. Took me a while to work myself out of that situation. But I’m back, and I want you back my perktacular sugar beet.

ELLEN
This has gone on too long already. I've got my own plans for world domination and you're not in them. The joke's over and you're outta here!

Ellen drop kicks Stinky.

Stinky flies across the room and lands in a punch bowl. First Lady Paris Hilton-Baron scoops out some punch and pours it into her glass.

PARIS
This tastes like dead rodent, and I know what that tastes like, I visited Arkansas.

BARON
That’s nice honey.
(to Furious D)
What else is developing?

FURIOUS D
The President of France has declared that he’s opposed to your foreign policy.

BARON
I’ve only been in office three hours. I don’t even have a foreign policy yet.

FURIOUS D
He said that whatever you’re for, he’s against because you’re an American.

BARON
It’s at times like these that I ask: “What would Jesus do?”

JESUS, played by Jim Caviezel, puts down his glass of punch and says.

JESUS
I’d pop a cap in his frog-munching-surrendering-to-Germany ass.

BARON
Then it’s settled.

The doors to the ballroom swing open and in walks JUDEX, the President’s no-good brother. He’s obviously intoxicated and has a trashy looking PORN STARLET on each arm.

JUDEX
How’s it hanging everybody?

BARON
Shit! It’s my no good wastrel brother Judex.

FURIOUS D
The failed Pornographer?

BARON
How can one fail at making porno? Can you please tell me that?

FURIOUS D
That’s one of life’s great mysteries. Right up there with the Bermuda Triangle and the ongoing popularity of Justin Timberlake.

JUDEX
How’s my big brother the Prez doing?

BARON
Pretty good until you showed up. Are you drunk?

JUDEX
Nope, I’m stoned.

BARON
Did you bring some to share?

JUDEX
Nope.

BARON
What kind of a man gets stoned at his brother’s inauguration and then bogarts all the doobage?

Judex picks up the punch bowl containing Stinky and starts to chug it.

FURIOUS D
(whisper to Baron)
Would you like me to have him eliminated?

BARON
No, I don’t want to have to explain it to mom. Just have him roughed up a little and thrown out on his ass.

Furious D makes a signal and two Goons grab Judex and stuff him, punch bowl, and Stinky included into a large sack. They then beat the sack and drag it away.

BARON
What’s on the schedule for tomorrow?

FURIOUS D
You’re booked for a Presbyterian Prayer Breakfast with Janet Jackson tomorrow, then you’re scheduled to become a whore for Big Oil at lunch.

BARON
Goody, that means barbecue.

FURIOUS D
I’ll get started on the ass capping Mr. President.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT –DAY
President Baron sitting in an elegant restaurant across from BIG OIL MAN, a loud fat Texan who likes to fire his pistol at random intervals. Plates covered in the bones of bbq-ed varmints sit before them.

BIG OIL MAN
Glad to have you and your Pole Weasel Party on board Mr. President. Yeehah!

Fires off a couple of shots, causing a chandelier to come off the ceiling and crush a waiter.

BARON
Why should the big parties hog all the good corruption.

BIG OIL MAN
I ran into your brother Judex last week. What’s he up to now?

BARON
He’s travelling.

CUT TO:

INT. SALT LAKE CITY BUS DEPOT –DAY
A big sack sits in a corner. It squirms a little and Judex pops his head out. He read a sign announcing that he’s arrived in Salt Lake City.

JUDEX
Utah! Shit!

Stinky’s head pokes out next to Judex.

STINKY
Where am I?

Judex stops, he feels something funny in the sack.

JUDEX
Is that a pipe I feel in here?

STINKY
Kind of.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESTAURANT –DAY

POV: SNIPER’S RIFLE SIGHT

Baron and Big Oil Man come out of the restaurant laughing and shaking hands. The crosshairs of the rifle sight wavers between the two of them.

TO BE CONTINUED

The Baron · 03-01-2004, 04:05 PM

A single, silenced shot catches the BIG OIL MAN square in the chest, sending him through the picture window in front of the restaurant. BARON, grabbing the two .9 mm Barettas he keeps under his ankle-length black leather trenchcoat, opens fire in the approximate direction of where the fatal shot was fired. He empties both fifteen-round clips at a shadowy figure, who ducks into a darkened fourth story window.

BARON
God-(BLEEP)-it! Where the (BLEEP) is the (BLEEP)-(BLEEP) Secret (BLEEP) Service when I (BLEEP) need them? And how the (BLEEP) can I do away with the (BLEEP) FCC?

He picks up his briefcase just as a black limo pulls up in front of him. Five men in black suits, matching Ray-Bans, and earpieces get out of the limo and surround BARON, getting him safely into the back seat of the long car.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE, MOVING -- DAY
BARON opens the catches on the briefcase and lifts the lid to reveal that the business luggage is filled with $100 bills.

BARON
Don't ask, don't tell.
(more)

He looks around the passenger compartment of the limo, assessing the Secret Service men seated around him.

BARON
Don't just sit there, bitchez... Somebody roll a fattie. And get Rory on the horn. He's gonna need to put a spin on this little incident.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 presents the President with a large joint.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1
Mr. President... Your spliff.

BARON
Yo, dude, fire it up. You know I hate the paper-burn on that first hit.

EXT. CITY SREET -- DAY
The Presidential Limo cruises. From the smoke leaking from around the windows, we can see that the limo is "hot boxing."

MUSICAL CUE: "The Passenger" - Iggy Pop

BARON (OS)
Whoa... This is some (BLEEP) gnarly-ass (BLEEP)...

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (OS)
(taking a hit and holding it)
Only the best for you, sir.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 begins coughing.

CUT TO:

PRESS ROOM -- DAY
Press Secretary RORY is at the podium, and the room is abuzz.

RORY
Okay. First question? Yes, Ms. Sawyer?

DIANE SAWYER
What can you tell us about today's assassination attempt on President Baron?

RORY
Intelligence tells us that the attempt on the President's life was made by ultraconservative Republicans and Democrats seeking to stop the Adminstration's sweeping economic and social reform policies.

DIANE SAWYER
So this had nothing to do with rumors of bribes from the big oil companies?

RORY says nothing. He just pulls out the baseball bat and sets it on the podium. His face is blank, as he looks at DIANE SAWYER with a dead man's eyes.

DIANE SAWYER
I'll retract that question.

She sits down quickly. Hands go up around the room. Rory looks around, and picks out a reporter.

RORY
Mr. Blitzer...

WOLF BLITZER rises to ask a question.

BLITZER
Mr. Secretary, what can you tell us about these "sweeping reforms"?

RORY
I'm glad you asked, Scud Stud.
(more)

The room chuckles at RORY's joke.

RORY
President Baron, using his controlling interest in Starschmuck's Coffee Shops, is converting the retail outlets to hash bars, based upon the Dutch model. The President understands that prohibition only leads to greater problems.
(more)

SECRET SERVICE AGENTS begin moving through the room with trays of pre-rolled joints and Bic lighters silkscreened with the Presidential Seal. They pass these out to all the reporters.

RORY
The agents are now passing out samples of the President's own White Widow/Northern Lights/Skunk Sensi hybrid, which you will smoke before you leave this room.
(more)

Rory places his right hand on the bat. The ladies and gentlemen of the press light up. There is much coughing.

TIME LAPSE WIPE

The press room is filled with laugher. The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS wheel in large dessert carts and beverage wagons, and the reporters fall upon them like vultures.

RORY (shouting over the din)
Hey, just wait 'til I tell you about the National Brothels!

BLITZER
Are there samples?

The room erupts into a frenzied orgy of laughter and Haagen Daas consumption.

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE, A HALL IN THE PRIVATE QUARTERS -- DAY
The President is making his way to the master bedroom, briefcase in hand, in order to deposit his slush money in a private safe. As he moves down the hallway, he sees women's garments strewn about. He recognizes the First Lady's Gucci thong, but there's a skirt he doesn't quite recognize. He follows the trail like Hansel & Gretel following breadcrumbs. The trail leads to the door of one of the White House guest bedrooms. BARON stands outside the door for a moment, listening to the ecstatic moaning of female voices, and Barry White's Can't Get Enough of Your Love, emmanating from within the chamber. He throws the door open, and is confronted with candlelight, a full home video set-up, and First Lady PARIS in bed with another woman. To the Prez's shock and awe, that woman is none other than...

TO BE CONTINUED

jmoronic · 03-02-2004, 06:06 AM

INT. WHITE HOUSE, A HALL IN THE PRIVATE QUARTERS -- DAY -- CONTINUED

The woman is none other than ELLEN M. She stops (EDIT. what she's doing [make up you're own dirty minds]) and looks up at BARON who has a shocked look on his face. He drops the briefcase to the floor and goes over to the bed and looks at both women, looking a little sheepish (and a little naked).

BARON
What do you think you're doing?

PARIS, who is on the bottom, pushes ELLEN off and crawls over to her husband, looking sedutcive the whole time.

PARIS
What do you think we are doing? Our nails?

Both women laugh.

BARON
Do you have any idea how disappointed in you I am right now in the two of you. I would've expected this of you Ellen, but Paris, honey, darling, what the hell were you thinking?

PARIS
Baron, you hunk of man you, you with the 12 inch penis, which is so beautiful. I fucking bored with this place already. There's too many uptight, stuck up dicks walking around. They don't want to have fun. Ellen wants to have fun.

BARON
That's not what I'm talking about.

PARIS
Well, what is it you're trying to say, big boy?

A big smile engulfs BARON's face as PARIS sticks her hand down her husband's pants.

BARON
Why did you start without me? Come on, these tapes aren't going to sell if I don't make an appearance...

BARON runs his finger around PARIS's erect nipple.

BARON (cont.)
I provide the money shot, damn it. I give them credibility. I give them a sense that I'm just one of the guys, who likes screwing his wife, even if she is a shameless exhibitionist. This is how we won the vote in the Republican states. Men in these states saw these tapes and said I can relate to that guy. So they registered to vote for the first time and voted for us... Goddamn, you are so beautiful, you dirty skank.

ELLEN gets up from the bed and kneels in front of BARON next to PARIS and kisses his chest.

ELLEN M.
What about me?

BARON
There's only one reason why you're my vice president.

BARON looks down her body and licks his lips. He then slaps her ass.

BARON (cont.)
Cos you got a great ass.

BARON tackles ELLEN and they roll around on the bed. PARIS turns around hugs her husband from behind, they start all the usual moves until they take off BARON's shirt and his phone rings on the bedside table. BARON looks up are hits his head on PARIS's chin knocking her back onto her ass and then onto the floor. BARON looks back and sees her on the ground, but is more concerned about the phone. He gets off ELLEN and takes off his shirt, which is giving him discomfort and then picks up the phone.

BARON
Yeah, hello.

On the other end of the line is a calm FURIOUS D. who quickly replies.

FURIOUS D.
BARON, two things. You got the case?

BARON
Sure do.

FURIOUS D.
Is there money in it?

BARON
Yes. What are you getting at?

FURIOUS D.
Good. That's a start, I like good starts. But the second thing ain't good BARON. It's really bad. You're not going to like this.

BARON
OK. What is it?

FURIOUS D.
You know how the French have been pissed at you about your foreign policy.

BARON
Yeah... Aw shit, don't tell me they're going to start a war with us.

FURIOUS D.
Well, not exactly. But, the French President is on the phone and he's bragging about just getting a fresh supply of our nuclear weapons. And he's got that arrogant laugh going.

BARON
Our nuclear weapons? Shit, how did he get them?

FURIOUS D.
I've got a fairly good idea who. And you're not going to like it... I think you better come down here and speak to the French President.

BARON
Alright, I'm coming.

BARON hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, PARIS is still on the floor, unconscious and bleeding out of her nose and ELLEN is tending to her. ELLEN looks up at BARON and says...

ELLEN M.
I think she's hurt real bad.

BARON
Look, I've got something greater to worry about now. Just put her on the bed and let her rest. And put some clothes on her and yourself. Gee.

BARON exits the bedroom and rushes down the hall.

TO BE CONTINUED

Ellen M. · 03-03-2004, 02:20 PM

Ummm, just a few director's notes on the script so far...

Liked the Stinky drop kick, but let's get one thing straight... I kneel to NO ONE, not even the President! And a three-way with my arch nemesis Paris Hilton... PUH-LEEZE! Get it together boys!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled episode of "Not The West Wing"!...

Ellen

Furious D · 03-03-2004, 04:03 PM

INT. PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM --NIGHT
The phone's ringing. The Baron wakes up. He's in bed alone with his wife Paris who's hugging her Gucci Teddy Bear.

BARON
Well, ain't that a kick in the pants. Just when the dream was getting good.
(answers phone)
President Baron.

FURIOUS D(OS)
(on phone)
Do you have the case?

BARON
Didn't we have this conversation?

FURIOUS D(OS)
Maybe in your dreams. Is the money all there?

BARON
Yes, it's all there. Speaking of dreams...

FURIOUS D(OS)
It was the threesome one again wasn't it? You have that one everytime you dodge a bullet. You better come to the Oval Office. France is acting up again.

BARON
Do you believe in dreams bearing premonitions.

FURIOUS D (OS)
No, they merely tap into pre-existing concerns that nag at your subconscious and express themselves in symbolic archetypes. And as much as I love chatting about this, I think the whole France thing needs our attention.

BARON
All right, I'm coming.

CUT TO:

INT. VP'S OFFICE --NIGHT
Ellen sits at her desk looking out the window with a concerned look on her face. Her secretary Jmoronic stands by the door.

JMORONIC
I have some good news and some bad news.

ELLEN
What's the good news?

JMORONIC
A recent survey shows that you have a very high approval ratings despite your bat mitzvah.

As if on cue a bat flaps out of a dark corner and lands on Ellen's desk. Ellen feeds it a treat.

JMORONIC
They think it's an unusual name for an unusual pet, but they think you're doing a good job.

ELLEN
What's the bad news.

JMORONIC
The assassin, kind of... you know... missed.

ELLEN
Your assassin missed?

JMORONIC
Technically he wasn't my assassin Miss. You were the one who hired him.

ELLEN
Are you trying to put the blame on me? Who hires a sniper with a lazy eye?

Jmoronic shrugs.

JMORONIC
I thought his disability shouldn't be held against him.

ELLEN
A moron hires a sniper with a lazy eye. Now, I've got to sit through another cabinet meeting where he describes that gross sex dream again. Paris Hilton, god I despise her.

JMORONIC
Shall I get rid of her Ma'am.

ELLEN
No. I'll handle that myself. But first I have to handle you.

Ellen takes a small pistol with a silencer out of her desk and pops Jmoronic in the knee. Jmoronic howls and falls to the floor.

JMORONIC
Ouch!

ELLEN
Don't screw up again.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --NIGHT
Baron, in a Hugh Hefneresque bathrobe sits at his desk. The money case is lying open on the desk. Furious D is at a monitor with grainy photos of missiles and Frenchmen flipping on.

FURIOUS D
France is building up its nuclear arsenal. And they appear to be doing with nukes that are missing from our base in Washington State.

BARON
The snooty li'l wine sucking bastards! Are the missiles a threat?

FURIOUS D
Not really, France's launch system uses Windows XP.

Baron sighs in relief.

BARON
They'll never get off the ground then. Are you set to knock off the French President.

FURIOUS D
A hit team is on its way to Paris as we speak. And my agents have tracked the missile smugglers to British Columbia.

BARON
So, we can BLAME CANADA after all! Get the troops ready, we're going to kick some ass. And speaking of Paris, I have a date with my wife.

Just as Baron stands up the whole room shudders from a giant explosion that rocks the White House.

BARON
Are we under attack?

Furious D changes the monitor to show an outside view of the White House. Smoke and fire billows out of the Presidential bedroom.

FURIOUS D
The Presidential bedroom's been blown up.

BARON
Paris!!!

TO BE CONTINUED:

The Baron · 03-04-2004, 08:08 AM

CUT TO:

INT., THE PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM SUITE -- NIGHT

The bedroom is in flames, and debris is scattered everywhere. BARON and FURIOUS D. accompanied by a horde of SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, rush to the bedroom with fire extinguishers, and BARON runs headlong into the conflagration in search of the First Lady.

BARON
Paris! Paris!

FURIOUS D
Don't risk it, Mr. President! Get out of there!

BARON
Are you (BLEEP) nuts? I signed a (BLEEP) pre-nup!

As BARON searches the room, and the flames engulf him, PARIS walks up behind FURIOUS D, eating a bowl of cereal.

PARIS
Wow. What happened?

FURIOUS D
Someone blew up the Presidential Bedroom, and Baron is in there looking for - Hey! Weren't you-?

PARIS
I woke up, and King Daddy Stud Muffin wasn't in bed. So I went to look for him, and I decided I was hungry, so I went and got some rice krispies.

FURIOUS D
Oh, (BLEEP)!

FURIOUS D and PARIS stare into the flames, pondering the fate of BARON. In the background, we see JMORONIC limp away down the hall.

CUT TO:

INT., V.P.'S OFFICE -- NIGHT.

We discover ELLEN sitting behind her desk, gleefully awaiting the news from her secretary. Just then, JMORONIC limps into her office.

JMORONIC
Mistress!

ELLEN
I told you to stop calling me that. Well?

JMORONIC
Well... I've got good news, and I've got bad news.

ELLEN slaps her hand to her forehead.

ELLEN
Why am I not surprized? Okay, what's the good news?

JMORONIC
The good news is, the time bomb went off exactly as planned. The Presidential Bedroom is blown to smithereens.

ELLEN
(sarcastically)
I can't wait to hear the rest.

JMORONIC
The bad news is, the First Lady survived, but we don't know about the President. He ran back into the room, because he thought his wife was in there.

ELLEN opens her desk drawer and produces a tazer. She aims it at JMORONIC...

JMORONIC
Crikey!

...and fires, sending her secretary into a convulsive dance on the floor of her office.

ELLEN
You could complicate masturbation. Goyishe putz! You stay right there and writhe in your own filth until I get back. I need to check this out for myself.

JMORONIC
Y-y-y-yessss M-mu-m-mam.

CUT TO:

INT., THE OVAL OFFICE -- NIGHT.

FURIOUS D, RORY, and PARIS are seated around the office, awaiting word of BARON. ELLEN walks in, and with the authority to act in place of the President, she sits down behind the desk, and breathes a satisfied sigh.

ELLEN
So... Bring me up to date.

RORY
What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here. Furious, get her out of here.

ELLEN
Hey, mouthpiece, I'm in charge now!

FURIOUS D
He's right. We need to get you to a safe place. What if whoever blew up the Presidential Bedroom decides to go for broke and hit you, too?

ELLEN
I'll risk it.

Suddenly, the doors of the oval office burst open, and in walks a figure wrapped in what appears to be a shower curtain. As he reaches the center of the room, the figure throws off the shower curtain to reveal the President, unharmed.

BARON
(to Ellen)
You, outta my chair.
(to Rory)
You, get me the Vatican on the phone.

RORY
The Vatican?

BARON
Do I stutter, bitchmonkey? Direct line to the Pope. Pronto!

BARON sits in his chair behind the desk, and Paris rushes over and plops down on his lap.

PARIS
Hunny bunny!

BARON
Not now, Baby. Gotta talk to the Pope, and he can hear an impure thought halfway around the world.

PARIS
But we're married.

BARON
Chill. We'll play "Who's your President" after I take care of a few things.

RORY
Pope's on line one, Mr. President.

BARON
Thanks.
(on phone)
Hey... John Paul George Ringo! You know it... Listen, the reason I'm calling... Yeah... I really want to thank you for that kevlar shower curtain you gave me for my inauguration. It's really bitchin'... Yeah... Dig it... No, don't worry. Gibson's my bitch. Leave him to me... What?... No, baby, nobody knows you're Jewish. Ciao, Bella!
(He hangs up.)
God, ever since he started watching "Queer Eye," the guy has been like Martha Stewart on crack.

ELLEN
Kevlar shower curtain?

BARON
Yeah. You can pick 'em up at The Pope Store. This one's special, though. Blessed by the guy with the big ring himself.
(to the group as a whole)
Okay, you guys find out what happened here tonight. It had to be an inside job, since the bomb was in our boudoir. You find the (BLEEP BLEEP-BLEEP) or (BLEEP-BLEEP)s who did this, then hook 'em and cook 'em. Now that I've talked to the Pope, it's time for the ol' lady to talk to the bishop.

FURIOUS D & RORY look at each other and smile.

FURIOUS D & RORY (in unison)
Aw, yeaaah!

FURIOUS D
But what about the French Prime Minister? What about the nukes?

BARON
Agh! The god-(BLEEP) French! Okay... You tell that Maurice Chevalier-laughing, child molesting (BLEEP BLEEP) that I expect to have an apology, and the nukes delivered to our embassy, un-(BLEEP)-exploded, by 12:00 noon tomorrow, or by 12:30, his urinoir of a country will be a glass parking lot.

RORY
Shall I release a statement to the press?

BARON
That's what I pay you for. And now, lady and gentlemen, I bid you all a fond good night.

The President and the First Lady leave the Oval Office, followed by RORY. FURIOUS D picks up the phone, then turns to ELLEN.

FURIOUS D
What's the International Code for France?

DISSOLVE TO:

INT., VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- LATER THAT DAY.

ELLEN is seated at her desk, with JMORONIC still writhing on the floor. She's keeps pressing the button on the tazer, sending more voltage through to the electrodes stuck in his skin.

ELLEN
Wow, these batteries last a long time.

JMORONIC
Th-th-they sh-sh-sh-sh-surrrre d-d-d-dooooo!

The phone on ELLEN's desk rings.

ELLEN
You gonna get that, or do I have to do everything around here? Heh... Just kidding.

She presses the tazer button one more time, then answers the telephone. JMORONIC lets out a yelp.

ELLEN
Good morning, Vice President of the United States speaking.

VOICE ON PHONE
Do you like scary movies...?

TO BE CONTINUED

jmoronic · 03-04-2004, 07:57 PM

INT., VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- LATER THAT DAY (cont.)

ELLEN
Who is this?

VOICE ON PHONE (OS)
I said, do you like scary movies?

ELLEN
No, I don't and I'm not liking this phone call. How did you get this number?

VOICE ON PHONE (OS)
You might not like scary movies, but you're about to receive one that will be very scary for you.

ELLEN
Who is this? You better give your name now, otherwise when I find out, your ass is mine.

VOICE ON PHONE (OS)
Check your mail. It's there right now.

The electronic voice on the other end of the line hangs up. Ellen yells and screams some unintelligible utterances and then smashes the phone back on the desk.

ELLEN
How dare they... How dare they...

ELLEN picks up the taser and pushes the button again. JMORONIC can't even be bothered with screaming anymore and just writhes around to make it look as though he's actually feeling pain. ELLEN tries to suppress her rage, but at best she screams through gritted teeth.

ELLEN
JMORONIC, I've got an errand for you.

JMORONIC
Oh miss, I can't even move, how am I supposed to do what you say.

ELLEN puts her finger on top of the button and teasingly poises to push it.

JMORONIC
OK. OK, I'm getting up.

JMORONIC uses the wall to get up and looking quite groggy, stands on his own two feet, wobbling, but standing upright for the moment.

ELLEN
JMORONIC, go down to the mail room and pick up my mail. There should be a parcel or something with a tape in it. Make sure you get that.

JMORONIC
Finally, some actual secretarial work. I don't think I'm up to setting up your dastardly plans.

ELLEN
You weak bastard. You're not going to last long here if you continue this way.

JMORONIC
Yes, ma'am. But, I think I know of someone who could help you with your plans.

ELLEN
Really, who?

JMORONIC
One of the gardeners ma'am.

ELLEN
A gardener? Here? Who?

JMORONIC
His name is Jean-Bertrand ARISTIDE.

ELLEN
That name sounds familiar.

JMORONIC
It should ma'am. He was the president of Haiti before we made him an exile.

ELLEN
Hmm, this could be very helpful JMORONIC. About time. Now, is ARISTIDE on now.

JMORONIC
Yes, but he is in the middle of meditation by now. In the garden shed.

ELLEN
Excellent. Now, go fetch my mail and do not mess up again. Got that.

JMORONIC
Yes, ma'am

JMORONIC limps off down the hall. But, ELLEN calls him back.

ELLEN
And one more thing. Find out who made that call. I want their heads.

JMORONIC
OK. Ma'am.

JMORONIC continues on.

INT. WHITE HOUSE GARDEN SHED -- DAY

ARISTIDE, who is completely naked, but is facing the wall, is in the lotus position, in deep meditation. ELLEN looks for a few seconds and is impressed. She then speaks.

ELLEN
You must be ARISTIDE. So this is what happened to you after we got you out.

ARISTIDE does not even blink and continues on his meditation. He then speaks, but does not break from his routine.

ARISTIDE
You stinking American bastards. I had all the riches and just because a few people were pissed with me, you got scared and dragged me out. And instead of putting me in rich man's paradise like Idi Amin, you made me a stinking gardener in this stinking place where nobody could find me. With only a stinking minimum wage to survive by.

ELLEN
Hmm, maybe my lickspittle is not the complete incompetent I thought he was. You seem like a man who could get the job done.

ELLEN takes a few steps closer, liking what she is seeing. ARISTIDE decides to turns around and try another move. ELLEN's eyes almost burst from there sockets.

ELLEN (cont.)
Jesus, do all presidents have big penises?

ARISTIDE laughs, his first sign of interest.

ARSITIDE
You American women are all fools. All slaves to the cock.

ELLEN
So, anyway, I have a proposition for you. How are you with governmental sabotage?

ARISTIDE
Pfft, I took a nation from the depths of despair, then to prominence and back again. What you suggest is piss easy.

ELLEN
So, are you interested in furthering your status in the good ol' US of A.

ARISTIDE
What I want, you don't have the power to grant. You are just the Vice President. All vice presidents are stupid fools. In fact, I had mine killed in a game of bloodsport. It was fun your puny brain cannot imagine.

ELLEN laughs

ELLEN
How about upgrading your bloodlust to someone of a higher power?

ARISTIDE
Hmm, I'd rather kill George Bush. That bastard put me here. This new guy is a good man. He even pays me during my meditation hour.

ELLEN
Yes, but good men always get in the way of a better man's plan.

ARISTIDE
I like you. So, I'll do it if you can do one thing for me.

JMORONIC hobble runs up to ELLEN and ARISTIDE with the mail in his hand.

ELLEN
What is it?

ARISTIDE
I want to be reinstated president of Haiti, so that I can have my revenge on every stinking prick who ousted me.

ELLEN
That's going to be tough. But I'll think about it.

ARISTIDE
Yes, now go back to that stinking palace and rule the world.

ELLEN
Yes, yes, OK.

ELLEN walks off with JMORONIC following her.

ELLEN
Yes, he'll be perfect. Somebody who I can kill after he does the deed. And I'll take pleasure in killing him,
[mocking ARISTIDE's accent]
that stinking bastard.

JMORONIC
Yes, ma'am. Oh, and I've got the tape.

JMORONIC places the tape in ELLEN's hands.

ELLEN
Excellent. What about the caller?

JMORONIC
The secret service are working on it.

ELLEN
Good, good. Now, let's go see what this S.O.B is trying to do to me.

INT. ELLEN'S OFFICE -- DAY

JMORONIC switches on the tape and sits back watching it with ELLEN. After a few seconds of static, a picture fixes on the screen. It is in long shot. Someone or something is slumped in a chair, alive, but barely breathing. They are gagged and bound to the chair. A voice off screen begins, and it is the electronic voice from the phone call...

VOICE ON TAPE (OS)
We know something about you that will make sure you will be staying put in your position as Vice President. You see this piece of shit here. Their appearance here will make sure you do as we say.

The camera zooms in on the slumped figure, and the camera then begins to focus on the figure. ELLEN's face begins to recoil in horror. JMORONIC looks at ELLEN not knowing why she is in shock. It is...

TO BE CONTINUED

Furious D · 03-05-2004, 08:45 PM

INT. ELLEN'S OFFICE -DAY
The figure on the videotape is MICHAEL BAY.

VOICE ON TAPE
Do exactly as we tell you, or we'll kill Michael Bay and completely screw up the plans for BAD BOYS 3.

Ellen slumps in her chair, relieved.

ELLEN
Phew. For a second there I thought they were going to let him go.

Ellen pops out the tape and tosses it into the dustbin.

JMORONIC
Aren't you going to do anything?

ELLEN
Are you still here. Get out before I shock you.

JMORONIC
Fine. I'm going.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE -DAY
The President is at his desk playing a Playstation game with Rory. The intercom buzzes.

SECRETARY (OS)
Furious D to see you Mr. President.

BARON
Send him in.

Furious D comes in carrying a large burlap sack.

FURIOUS D
Call me Santa, cause I'm bringing in the presents.

BARON
What do you have Santa.

FURIOUS D
I found out who blew up your bedroom. It was Ellen's male secretary and whipping boy Jmoronic. He also hired the sniper that tried to get you at the restaurant.

BARON
So, Ellen's been behind it all along. I thought we agreed that she wouldn't try to kill me until my second term.

FURIOUS D
I'll distract her with a book deal. Kept Hilary from killing Bill.

BARON
Good plan. What's in the sack.

FURIOUS D
Oh yeah, Ellen grew tired of Jmoronic's screw ups so she hired former Haitian president Aristide to kill you.

BARON
The new gardener? But I let him do his meditation thing... The little bastard.

Furious D takes out ARISTIDE'S HEAD and puts it on the Baron's desk.

BARON
Did you do that to him?

FURIOUS D
No. He just misread the instructions on the new riding mower. We could send it back to Haiti. There is a price on it.

BARON
How much?

FURIOUS D
50 bucks. It's all they could afford.

BARON
If it goes up to 75 let them have it.

FURIOUS D
(to Rory) I've got something for you Mr. Aronsky.

Furious D takes out a gleaming new metal baseball bat. It's got the words: YE OLDE ROD OF DISCIPLINE engraved on the side in flowery script.

Rory takes it & has a few practise swings.

RORY
I'll treasure it always. I can't wait to see how this looks stuck to Dan Rather's pointy head.

BARON
What'll we do about Jmoronic. His half-assed attempts to kill me are getting expensive.

FURIOUS D
I've arranged for a special fate for him. One which will leave our hands clean.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOOT MAHN'S PUB --DAY
Jmoronic steps out a cab. He's wearing a TRAINSPOTTING t-shirt. In his hand is a photo of Tyra Banks with the inscription: MEET ME AT HOOT MAHN'S PUB, 6 PM. WEAR A TRAINSPOTTING T-SHIRT & I'LL JUMP YOUR BONES. -LOVE TYRA.

JMORONIC
This is so good, it must be true.

Jmoronic enters the pub.

CUT TO:

INT. HOOT MAHN'S PUB --CONTINUOUS
Inside everyone is a SCOTTISH STEREOTYPE. There's the shaved head SOCCER HOOLIGAN, the blue faced BRAVEHEART warrior, an angry red bearded BAGPIPER in a kilt, a dour PRESBYTERIAN PARSON, GROUNDSKEEPER WILLY, and a guy who looks a lot like SCOTTY from Star Trek. They're all watching a soccer game until he walks in, then everybody stares at Jmoronic in disbelief.

BRAVEHEART
Oo, de bluddy hell do ye ken ye are.

JMORONIC
Excuse me?

BAGPIPER
Dinnae ye unnerstan te King's English ye fekkin' twat.

JMORONIC
Are you hitting on me? Listen the only person I'm supposed to see in skirt is named Tyra. Okay, I don't know what kind of bar this is.

SOCCER HOOLIGAN
Les lash his arse! Wearin' that shite on his shirt.

Jmoronic finally understands.

JMORONIC
You don't like my shirt? Why? It was a great movie. It completely summed up the Scottish people.

A beer bottle smashes Jmoronic on the head & he goes down like a tree.

The Scottish Stereotypes pounce on him like a pack of wolves on a steak.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Furious D is talking to Baron.

FURIOUS D
I sent him to my cousin's place. Even if he gets out alive he won't be in any shape to kill you. I've got one last present.

Furious D snaps his fingers and two GOONS wheel in a trolley containing the tightly strapped body of the FRENCH PRESIDENT.

BARON
Black Jacque Chirac, my old nemesis! (to Furious D) How did you get him here.

FURIOUS D
We replaced him with a cleverly constructed android double.

CUT TO:

INT. FRENCH PRESIDENT'S OFFICE --DAY
A straw filled dummy sits at the French President's desk. It's head is a garbage can with a picture of Chirac's face pasted to it. A tape recorder is taped to the president's chest.

Peeking in through the door are two FRENCH AIDES.

DUMMY CHIRAC
(Furious D's Voice in English with a Pepe Le Pew Accent)
Sacre Bleu... Oh, we all smell like old cheese... France is the most powerful nation in ze world...

AIDE #1 (in French)
Do you think there is something...different about President Chirac?

DUMMY CHIRAC
Merde... Where's my wine and mistresses... Down with the anglophones who saved us from Germany twice... I want moldy cheese and cigarettes...

AIDE #2 (in French)
He seems all right to me.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Baron, Furious D, and Rory are interoggating Chirac.

BARON
Okay Chirac, do what your country does best and surrender! Tell me who sold you our stolen nukes!

CHIRAC
I will tell you nothing.

RORY
Tell us, or we'll tell the world that you don't have a mistress.

CHIRAC
You swine! OK, I'll talk. We got the missiles from a contact in British Columbia, his name is...

TO BE CONTINUED

The Baron · 03-05-2004, 10:54 PM

RORY brandishes his new bat at CHIRAC.

RORY
Spit it out, Pepe!

CHIRAC
We do not know 'is real name! Honly a nomme de plume, ze name 'e signs on ze letter! 'E calls 'imself, "Les Chic Homme."

BARON
Les Chic Homme? What the (BLEEP) kind of (BLEEP) is that? I'm losing my cool, Jacques, and you know what happens when I lose my cool...

FURIOUS D
Wait a minute.

BARON
What?

FURIOUS D
"Les Chic Homme"... Of course! The DUDE!

RORY & BARON (in unison)
Who?

FURIOUS D
The Dude. A half-mad bastard, amped up on Cuban rum and testosterone. It's said he used to run some donkey shows down in TJ. I know him only too well.

BARON
I didn't know you went to Tijuana...

FURIOUS D
I didn't. He once turned an infernal weather manipulating device of his own invention on my home in the Great White North. There was a blizzard of four meters of snow in one night.

RORY
How do you know it was him and his weather machine?

FURIOUS D
It was July, and my house was the only one the snow fell on. Oh, and he called me to taunt me about it.

BARON
Why isn't this guy on my payroll?

RORY
What next? What should we do with Chirac?

BARON
We still have an empty cell next to Noriega?

CUT TO:

BLACK.

SUPER UP:

"A CELL IN A SUB-BASEMENT IN THE PENTAGON..."

We can't see anything. We can hear the occasional sound of water drops.

CHIRAC (VO)
'Allo? Manuel? Se moi, Jacques Chiroc!

MANUEL NORIEGA (VO)
Bastardos! Let me out! You go too far! You... go... too fa-ha-har...

We hear NORIEGA trail off, quietly weeping in his cell.

CUT TO:

INT., WHITE HOUSE MOTOR POOL -- DAY

ELLEN is on her way to her car, when FURIOUS D (with a burlap bag) and RORY (with his new bat) appear from behind two concrete pillars.

FURIOUS D
Just who we were looking for!

ELLEN
Hey, I don't care what the President dreams, I told you guys I don't do three-ways.

RORY
Can the balloon juice. We know what you've been up to.

ELLEN
Up to? Whaddaya mean?

FURIOUS D produces ARISTIDE's head from the bag. He holds it up by the hair with one hand, and operates the jaw with the other, imitating a ventriloquist and his dummy in falsetto voice.

FURIOUS D
Hi, Ellen! Remember me? You hired me to kill Baron.

RORY starts cracking up.

RORY
I love when he does this!

FURIOUS D (still playing ventriloquist)
Oh, yah! Come to de eye-lands!
(in his regular voice)
We also got the numbnuts who screwed up the attempt in front of the restaurant.

RORY
We use his head for the second show.

FURIOUS D
And right about now, your secretary is finding out how a highland sheep feels.

CUT TO:

INT., HOOT MAHN'S PUB -- DAY.

JMORONIC is guest of honor at a boot party.

BAGPIPER
Ahll gie ye skirt, ye wee nancy bai!

BRAVEHEART
Gie 'im wha fahr, Angus! Pess ahn em!

A solotary MALE VOICE rises above the din, and the crowd goes silent.

VOICE (OS)
Woe be unta thee, laddie!

The hushed voices of the barflies speak one name, in awe and respectful fear.

WILLY
Grrraham!

SCOTTY
Grraham...

We now see GRAHAM, owner of "the voice", making his way towards JMORONIC. The others part like the Red Sea to let the newcomer pass. GRAHAM is easily six feet, seven inches tall, 350 lbs. of solid Scots muscle. When this guy throws a telephone pole, he uses a one hundred-year-old Scotch Fir. He wears a kilt and tam of the same tartan, a white "wife-beater," a "Bay City Rollers" scarf, (which no one calls him on,) and 48-hole Doc Martins. Wiry auburn hair bristles from under his cap and his chin.

BAGPIPER
Grrraham...

BRAVEHEART
(backing away)
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraham!

GRAHAM towers over the quivering pile of humanity on the floor at his feet.

GRAHAM
Ach, gie may a shot a' ye wee li'l peggy! Ba all th' junkies en Glazgie, ye'el rrrrrrrrrrrrrue th' daey ye set hoof i' hairrrrrrre!
(to the BARKEEP)
Arrrrrrrchay MacDuglays! Wheerre er ye, ye pooblican mongrrrrrel?

ARCHIE MACDOUGLAS, the barkeep, replys to GRAHAM from behind the bar.

ARCHIE
Rrrrrait heerre, Grrrrrrrraham!

GRAHAM
Arrrrrchay... Waerrrm oop th' haggis grrrrinder.

GRAHAM looks down, and his face takes up the entire frame. We hear the sound of a machine starting in the background, and grinding blades meshing. He licks his lips, and we...

CUT TO:

INT., WHITE HOUSE MOTOR POOL -- DAY

FURIOUS D
Any questions? Are we on the same page?

ELLEN
I think I get the picture.

FURIOUS D
Good. 'Cause I do a midnight show, and I can always use a new dummy. So, you be a good Vice President, and don't try to hit Baron until his second term. Or...

ELLEN
Or what?

FURIOUS D holds up ARISTIDE's head and does the ventriloquist's bit.

FURIOUS D
Or else you trade a career in politics for one in show business!
(in his regular voice)
Get it? Got it? Good.
(to RORY)
Come on. Let's get out of here.

FURIOUS D & RORY leave the parking structure.

RORY (OS)
Hey, Furious, do the "come to the islands" bit again.

ELLEN gets into her car, pulls out her cell phone, and dials.

ELLEN
It's hittin' the fan around here. You can't wait. We've got to move now.

TO BE CONTINUED

EPILOGUE

INT., VICE PRESIDENT'S OFFICE -- DAY.

ELLEN is seated at her desk, going over paperwork, when RORY and FURIOUS D enter the office without knocking. FURIOUS D is pushing a hand truck stacked with identical boxes. He stops in front of the desk.

ELLEN
What do you two want now?

FURIOUS D
Special delivery. Your Passover haggis is here.

ELLEN
My WHAT?

FURIOUS opens one of the boxes and dumps a haggis onto ELLEN's desk.

FURIOUS D
Passover... Haggis.

RORY tosses a shiney object to ELLEN, who catches it. She examines the object. It's a gold signet ring with the letter "J".

RORY
We've taken the liberty of placing an ad for your new secretary.

FURIOUS D and RORY begin to exit, when FURIOUS turns back to ELLEN.

FURIOUS D
(with a wink)
Bon Appetit, Princess!

jmoronic · 03-07-2004, 06:36 AM

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SOME BRITISH COLUMBIAN BAR -- NIGHT

A bearded man sits outside of a bar checking the voice mail on his mobile phone.

ROCHELLE (OS)
How about it, tonight? You know when and where?

BEARDED MAN
Bloody bitch. I can't believe she's still wants after I had her family killed. Ah well, pussy's pussy.

The next message:

ELLEN (OS)
It's hittin' the fan around here. You can't wait. We've got to move now.

BEARDED MAN
Well, it looks like it's time to go to Phase 2.

The DUDE walks over to the BEARDED MAN and looks at him, shaking his head.

DUDE
Fucking incompetents. Why do we hire them, Roger?

ROGER looks at him perplexed. He shakes his head in disbelief.

DUDE (cont.)
What?

ROGER
How come you weren't bleeped out then?

DUDE
Cos we live in Canada. Ain't no FCC here to stop us from censoring our precious swear words.

ROGER
Damn straight.

EXT. OUT FRONT OF THE LOUVRE MUSEUM -- DAY

The DUMMY CHIRAC is sitting with hundreds of Dignitaries, watched by hundreds of ordinary French people outside the Louvre as it's about to open a new wing devoted to the art of French snobbery.

SOME FRENCH DIGNITARY (in French)
Today is a momentous day in the history of French art and culture. Today, we are unveiling the new wing of art made by today's best known French artists. All of it devoted to our tremendous tradition of sticking our noses up at them dirty Americans. Oh-haw-haw.

CROWD (laughing)
Oh-haw-haw.

SOME FRENCH DIGNITARY (in French)
We might not be able to fight them in the battle fields, but with our newly acquired nuclear weapons and our magnificant history in French art and culture, we will beat them Americans and become the super power we were always meant to be.

CROWD
Oh-haw-haw.

SOME FRENCH DIGNITARY (in French)
Now, without further a-do, our fearless leader Jacque Chirac.

The crowd begins loud applause for their fearless and polygamous leader. Jacque stands up and acknowledges the applause. He goes to the podium, acknowledges the applause again and then speaks as the audience quieten.

DUMMY CHIRAC (in French)
This is a great day for France. We must continue to suppress our urges of becoming American and continue the tradition of being arrogant arseholes towards them.

CROWD
Oh-haw-haw.

DUMMY CHIRAC (in French)
Our great artists, Jean-Pier...

DUMMY CHRIAC begins wobble. He regains composure and begins to speak.

DUMMY CHIRAC (cont.) (in French)
Jean-Pierre Cousineau, Michel Domb... Dombas.. Oh Oh.

DUMMY CHIRAC begins to overheat badly, steam is rising from his head.

DUMMY CHIRAC (cont.)
Error 33... Cannot compute... Cannot compute... Bonjour, you cheese eating surrender monkeys...

SOMEONE IN THE CROWD (in French)
Did the president just call us "Cheese eating surrender monkeys".

DUMMY CHIRAC wobbles wildly over to the dignitaries, who begin to scatter.

SOMEONE ELSE IN THE CROWD (in French)
He's gonna blow.

And DUMMY CHIRAC does explode. Instantly destroying his body and killing most of the dignitaries on stage. The new wing of the Louvre is collasping onto the still alive dignitaries while the crowd panics and begins to trample each other.

INT. WHITE HOUSE OVAL OFFICE -- NIGHT

The BARON is joined by FURIOUS D., some interns in skanky looking outfits and SNOOP DOGG and his crew of homies puffing down some of the finest weed that has ever existed. BARON finishes pouring a glass of whiskey and picks up the glass and raises it to the air.

BARON
Gentlemen, I mean homies. I'd like to make a toast. To the DOGG, who will help rid us of this (BLEEP)ing FCC problem.

SNOOP DOGG
No (BLEEP)ing problems, mother(BLEEP)er. This (BLEEP)ing bleeping is pissing me off. I'll gather my mother(bleep)ing crew and put some (BLLEP)ing caps in the ass of the mother(BLEEP)ing FCC, mother(BLEEP)er.

BARON
Good to hear. Good to mother(BLEEP)ing hear.

FURIOUS
Finally, we'll put a rocket up Liebermann's ass.

BARON
Liebermann? Where?

BARON puts out his roach on the table. SNOOP does likewise. One of the crew panics and waves his roach about.

SNOOP
Crotch the mother(BLEEP)ing weed, man. (BLEEP)

The homie sticks the roach down his pants.

FURIOUS
No, no, no. I just said his name. Man, you guys must be high.

SNOOP
This is some good mother(BLEEP)ing (BLEEP), here. You should try some.

The crew member with the roach down his pants picks it out and re-lights it.

FURIOUS
No, that's fine. I've got to keep my cat like instincts ready for the next disaster. But, this smoke is more than enough for me, thank you.

SNOOP
Baron, for a mother(BLEEP)ing tightass, this Furious mother(BLEEP)er is a mother(BLEEP)ing P.I.M.P.

FURIOUS
Whatever that means.

SNOOP looks at the crew member who "crotched the weed"

SNOOP
(BLEEP) man, you smoking that mother(BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) you put down your pants. You crazy mother(BLEEP)er... I hope you ain't sharing that...

RORY runs into the room, baseball in hand, with fresh blood from his latest press conference still being wiped away by his hankerchief.

RORY
Turn on the TV, Furious. Quickly, CNN.

BARON
This thing is always on CNN. We like the car chases.

RORY rolls his eyes.

RORY
Whatever. (points to the TV) Look at this.

Chaos emerges on the screen. It is the exact scene at the Louvre Museum and people are running around bloodied and screaming. A reporter is rushing around, trying to yell out the latest news on the situation.

REPORTER
Complete and utter chaos here in Paris. The French president has just imploded in some sort act of spontaneous combustion killing many of the finest of French leaders.

BARON
(BLEEP), Furious, did you plant a bomb on Chirac.

FURIOUS
No, I wanted the finest of American craftmanship.

BARON and SNOOP
American craftmanship!

BARON
(BLEEP), Furious, everybody knows Americans can't make good (BLEEP).

BARON laughs and shakes his head in disbelief.

BARON (cont.)
Amazing. Furious, in all your scheming, you've caused the biggest disaster since Dubya got elected.

BARON then grins.

BARON (cont.)
But, you may have done your very best work yet.

SNOOP
Amen to that mother(BLEEP)er. You downed those French mother(BLEEP)ers.

FURIOUS
Well, I do my best, always.

BARON
(BLEEP), even when you (BLEEP) up, you're a (BLEEP)ing genius.

FURIOUS
Thanks Baron.

INT. SOME RUNDOWN FLOP HOUSE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA -- NEXT DAY

The DUDE is fiddling with his weather machine, trying to pinpoint an area of interest. ROGER is playing with his beard, sitting on the side of his bed with ROCHELLE still lying in bed, naked, lying on her stomach. ROGER looks at ROCHELLE and rubs his hand up her bare back. ROCHELLE doesn't move at all.

ROGER
So, what type of weather does the White House expect today?

DUDE
Oh, I dunno. There are so many weather phenomenon I could choose from. Maybe...

The DUDE presses a button...

Furious D · 03-08-2004, 10:19 AM

INT. DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --CONTINUED
The Dude readies to press the button.

DUDE
From hell's heart I stab at thee!

Dude presses the button.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --NIGHT
Baron and Rory are working late sorting papers.

RORY
Now here are the questions we're expecting them to ask...

THUMP!

A snowball bounces off the window.

BARON
What was that?

RORY
Looks like a snowball.

BARON
In Washington? At this time of year?

CUT TO:

INT. THE DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --NIGHT
Dude whacks his weather machine.

DUDE
Fucking Windows XP!! That's it, I'm going to kick Bill Gates in the nads!

The weather machine starts to shake and tremble.

ROCHELLE
What's that?

ROGER
She's gonna blow!

The weather machine sends out a cascade of sparks.

CUT TO:

EXT. DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --CONTINUOUS
Ten feet of snow flop down on the Dude's lair with a heavy thud.

CUT TO:

INT. FURIOUS D'S OFFICE --NIGHT
Furious D sits at his desk tossing treats to CHOMPY his pet badger. Chompy gobbles up the treats with glee.

On his desk is a tape recorder playing Ellen's message to Roger.

FURIOUS D
Someone's been talking out of school Chompy. Now what shall we do about that? I think we'll have to send a special message.

The phone rings. Furious D answers it.

FURIOUS D
It really was a snowball Mr. President. Courtesy of The Dude.

BARON
How'd you know it was me?

FURIOUS D
It's better you not know the hows or whys, just rest assured in the fact that I do. That's why I get paid the big bucks. Turns out Ellen's working for The Dude. I've just got intel confirmation on that.

BARON
That's why she's been so keen to knock me off. What should we do?

FURIOUS D
Let me handle it. It's what I do best.
(to Chompy)
Don't I Chompy?

CUT TO:

INT. DUDE'S FLOPHOUSE LAIR --DAY
Dude's lying fast asleep in bed. He rolls over and feels something. He wakes up.

He looks at his hand, it's covered in blood. Dude checks his nads, seeing that they're still intact he sits up and pulls off the sheets.

Dude screams.

In his bed is a severed donkey's head wearing a colourful sombrero.

The front door opens and in comes Roger and Rochelle carrying snow shovels. Roger's also got a package under his arm.

ROGER
What's wrong boss?

DUDE
This lair's been compromised. Damn you Furious D and your fancy yet manly trousers! Always two steps ahead of me!
(notices package)
What's that?

ROGER
We shovelled out the mailbox and this package was there. It's from Ellen.

DUDE
Open it.

Roger opens it and out comes a BADGER who immediately starts mauling Roger to death.

ROGER
Oh god! I couldn't be in any more pain! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Dude ignores the now 1/2 consumed Roger, and tosses Rochelle a set of car keys.

DUDE
Warm up the K-Car. We're getting out of here.

ROCHELLE
Yeah boss.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Furious D is making a report to The Baron.

BARON
So, is this the last we've seen of the Dude?

FURIOUS D
Probably not. I'm sure he'll be coming up with a new plot, each and every week. Your new Secretary of State's making some headway with the French about returning our stolen nukes.

BARON
I knew GiGi was perfect for the job.

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM --DAY
GIGI's chasing the NEW FRENCH PRESIDENT around with a cricket bat.

GIGI
Stand still and take your discipline you wine sucking surrender fiend!

NEW FRENCH PREZ
All right! All right! We'll return ze missiles! But we still refuse to use deodorant!

GIGI
That, and you get six whacks on the arse.

This news seems to please the French Prez.

NEW FRENCH PREZ
Why didn't you say so?

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE --DAY
Furious D and Baron are still talking.

FURIOUS D
She learned her diplomatic skills while working for Michael Eisner at Disney.

Rory pokes his head in through the door.

RORY
It's time for your press conference.

CUT TO:

INT. PRESS ROOM --DAY
Baron strides to the podium.

BARON
It's with great pride that I announce....

Suddenly the whole room starts shaking.

BARON
What the hell?

TO BE CONTINUED.

GiGi · 03-08-2004, 09:35 PM

LMFAO....You are cracking me up D....how can i live up to your standards?

Ellen M. · 03-09-2004, 04:04 PM

Sssshhhh, GiGi, D & The Baron are script writing geniuses, don't question their motives, just go with it!... Oh, and keep the paddle & riding crop handy (as well as the badger)!

Ms. VP

And how about some more GOOD lines for the VP fellas... please... don't make me spank you!

The Baron · 03-11-2004, 02:08 AM

INT. PRESS ROOM --DAY
Baron strides to the podium.

BARON
It's with great pride that I announce....

Suddenly the whole room starts shaking.

BARON
What the hell?

FURIOUS D
No sweat. I'll tell you later. Finish your announcement.

BARON
Right. Well... Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I am pleased to announce that, effective immediately, your Federal Government is no longer operating on a deficit.
(more)

Murmurs erupt throughout the conference room, and shocked, disbelieving expressions cross the faces of the members of the press.

BARON
Please... Please... Quiet down now and I'll tell you how this has happened. Your President, that's me, Baron, has come to an arrangement with the government of France whereby all debts on loans to their country are being repaid. In fact, we've received enough cold, hard cash within the last twenty-four hours to enable me, your President, Baron, to suspend federal income tax for the next seven years. And I do this because I care about you, my subj- uh, fellow Americans. So, that's it. Go ahead, pass the word along. Ciao. Auf Wiedesein. Later. I'm outta here.

BARON leaves the podium, flanked by FURIOUS D and RORY. As he waves his way off stage, through gritted teeth he questions FURIOUS D.

BARON
Okay, what the (BLEEP) was that shaking?

FURIOUS D
That was a MOAB bomb going off in Atlanta.

BARON
What?

RORY
A little "pre-emptive strike." A problem at a cartoon-geeks meeting that was really the cover for a terrorist organization.

BARON
Terrorists? Really?

FURIOUS D
No, not really. But who cares?

They all have a good laugh.

BARON
Yeah, you're right. You guys are the best!

CUT TO:

INT., THE OVAL OFFICE -- DAY.
BARON, FURIOUS D and RORY enter the Oval Office, still laughing at the joke. In the office, tied to a chair and gagged, is the Vice President, ELLEN.

RORY
We caught her on the phone trying to contact The Dude. We thought you might like to have a word with her.

FURIOUS D
I recommend keeping her gagged. She's PMSing, so she might bite.

BARON
Good idea.
(to ELLEN)
Soooooo... You just couldn't keep to our agreement. Just had to try and have me whacked, didn't you? So, what do you have to say for yourself?

ELLEN
Ooo u-ah u-uh! Ih uh oo eh uh-uh ih!

BARON
What? What was that? You're really sorry, and you beg forgiveness so that we don't kill you, slowly?

ELLEN
Ooo ah-ah!

BARON
I understand. You know, you sound like you might have a toothache.
(to RORY and FURIOUS)
Boys, wheel the Vice President down to Herr Doktor's clinic. Have him take a look at her teeth, and impress upon her that we're looking out for her best interests. By the way, D., those are some snappy pants you're wearing.

FURIOUS D
Oh... Thanks for noticing. You don't think they make my ass look fat, do you?

BARON
Just take her to Herr Doktor.

CUT TO:

EXT., A 1968 BUICK SKYLARK -- MOVING -- DAY.

CUT TO:

INT., SAME.
The DUDE and ROCHELLE are crossing the border into the state of Washington. "The Best of Queen" plays on the car's tape deck.

DUDE
Any word from Ellen?

ROCHELLE
Not for the last hour. Don't worry, Chief. She's resourceful. She'll be in touch.

DUDE
You don't know Furious D. He's never forgiven me for taking his lunch money all throughout elementary school. Fifteen years of lunch money adds up.

ROCHELLE
Wait a minute. You guys were in grade school for fifteen years? I thought you were both supposed to be geniuses...

DUDE
Shut up.

ROCHELLE
But -

DUDE
What part of "shut up" don't you uinderstand? Shut, or up?

DUDE sings along with Freddie Mercury...

DUDE
Crazy little thing called loooooovvvvve...

ROCHELLE
This is going to be a long trip.
(looking at a map)
Washington, D.C. is... Aw (BLEEP)!

She puts her fingers in her ears, and slumps down in the seat.

CUT TO:

INT., A CAVERNOUS, DARKENED ROOM -- DAY.
ELLEN is strapped into a dental chair, with rubber wedges keeping her jaws completely open. The chair is in a circular pool of light. HERR DOKTOR, an elderly man with white hair, wearing a blood-stained lab coat and rubber gloves steps into the light, and taking the dental drill in one hand, addresses ELLEN.

HERR DOKTOR
Now, Fraulien Viz Prezident, you haff a bat cavity in za lower beck molar on za right zide. It iss very cloze to za nerff. Ve must drill, very diply.

ELLEN
Ah o-ay, ah on ink oh. Ah aiee.

HERR DOKTOR
Nein, nein... Who iss za doktor heah, jah? But before ve begin, I muzt azk you wun kvez-tee-on... Iss it zafe?

We see the look of terror in ELLEN's eyes, as we hear the whine of the dental drill.

TO BE CONTINUED