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THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR
by Felix Vasquez Jr.
2008, Rated PG-13, 100 minutes, Universal Pictures
It's bad enough that "The Mummy" series always felt like second rate throwbacks to better adventure films, but it's a damn shame when the dreaded third leg in the franchise feels like a pale imitation of an already pale imitator. Was anyone really begging for one more installment of “The Mummy” with the same one-note action characters? "Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" is that Summer film saved for the end of the season where all the surprises and potential competition has been eliminated, leaving movie-goers with no other options but to re-watch "The Dark Knight" or take a chance on “Stealth” director Rob Cohen's overwrought, bland mess of a fantasy adventure film.

Filled with a monotonous, unnecessarily gaudy, set-up in the first twenty minutes, we’re force-fed the story of the Dragon Emperor Han’s reign, his romance with a witch, her spell to keep him immortal, and the inevitable betrayal; mainly to give the painfully wasted Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li screen time. The next eighty minutes are devoted to revisiting our gang of adventurers and rushing through flat dialogue, terrible comedy (mostly delivered by poor John Hannah), and a string of lame plot devices and story elements that feel about as random as “The Scorpion King.” There are abominable snowmen, stone soldiers, and the evil stone Emperor Han who displays an array of superfluous powers.

For example, he possesses the ability to give a Medusa stare (that’s oddly used only once) and can also shape shift, too. All of these gimmicks felt tossed in and shoe-horned by executives during script re-writes by Gough and Millar. And trust me, none of it is as fun as it could be. Hell, kids love monsters, so let's inject as many as we can, who cares if it doesn't make sense? And just for the potential spin-off, let's reduce Rick and Evie to supporting players while we focus on son Alex, who has mysteriously transformed from a twelve year old boy into a twenty-something man in only four or five years time. As for Brendan Fraser, he's about as one-note as ever with hero Rick, who ends up as the least evolved personality of the bunch.

The established Evie O’Connell feels completely new to the arc. In spite of Cohen's insistence Maria Bello's Evie is the exact same one we saw portrayed as a graceful heroine by Rachel Weisz, it's a tough adjustment since Gough and Millar completely contradict his efforts by turning her in to a rough and tumble sexy Bond Girl (doubling as a doting mom) who fights martial arts, shoots with ace precision, and no longer acts as a foil to Rick's confrontations with the supernatural. Every bit of menace, camp and hint of serial potential to this trilogy is gone in a barrage of under-developed side plots, poor direction from Cohen (who can barely stage intimate scenes between actors let alone massive battles) and a villain who lacks any of the charm and inherent terror we felt from Imhotep.

You’d be better off re-watching “The Dark Knight.”

 
Mistermind
READER
 
Funny as I was just thinking "I wanna watch Dark Knight again" and yet my girlfriend made me watch it (cause for some reason she really wanted to watch this crap). Well, she doesn't know crap about movies (thankfully she admit it) and this time around she was actually sorry for making me watch this. It is in fact quite amazing on how they managed to turn a mediocre yet entertaining "Imhotep" into that master piece of shit. How-why-how is all I was thinking during the movie. It is not always that I feel like standing up and leave during the middle of a movie, and I almost did this time. Yetis? Girl tries to squish man's had between 2 walls and in the next scene they were romantically hitting each other? wtf? Seriously, either the entire group of writers were way too high to fit the history together, or they finally did what I've been pitching: Hired zoo monkeys. If this movie actually was targeted for kids and this is how "kids movie" are like, I seriously feel like the end is near.  
Posted on August 5, 2008, 12:48 am
FelixVasquez
STAFF WRITER
 
I feel your pain, but then again it's Gough and Millar, the forces behind "Smallville"!  
Posted on August 5, 2008, 1:33 am
pseudo-human
READER
 
I drifted in and out of sleep during this piece of turd masquerading as a movie.Did any thought actually go into making this?An hour and forty minutes of my life that I will never get back.Shame on you UNIVERSAL!!  
Posted on August 7, 2008, 3:27 pm
Mistermind
READER
 
And let me say one more thing: "TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR" Can there be a more generic title then that? Seriosly, I can't think of anything. @Felix: Like my causin says: Super-man crashed into earth in the middle of new york, grow up in the streets, got a job at a newspaper and every now and then saves the world. Smallville? What is that?  
Posted on August 18, 2008, 8:12 pm
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