In these trying times, it’s difficult to say what the world needs. But I can tell you what the world didn’t need. And that is a little film called “Baby on Board.” I suspect the pitch meeting went a little something like this: “It’s ‘Baby Boom’ as directed by the Farrelly Brothers. A successful businesswoman accidentally gets knocked up. It’s something the ladies can relate to but we also throw in that D.J. from ‘Northern Exposure’ to make lots of poon jokes so the dudes don’t get bored.” Green means go!! Heather Graham plays Angela, the businesswoman in question who must impress her hardass boss (the barely recognizable Lara Flynn Boyle, puffy in the face and nowhere else), by selling a perfume for pregnant ladies to the Japanese. Angela’s husband, Curtis (Jerry O’Connell), is a lawyer with a guilty streak regarding his knack for finding the loopholes in pre-nups. He really wants to start a family but Angela isn’t sure she’s ready. Her best friend Sylvia’s kids are assholes. (What if her kids are assholes?) Plus, she might have a very successful perfume career ahead of her if only she could stop farting and ruining presentations.
Meanwhile, Curtis’ best friend, Danny (husband to Sylvia), is going through the ultimate mid-life crisis - in that he can’t stop getting blowjobs from hookers. He’s not apologetic, and he doesn’t make any attempts to hide it from his wife. He also tries to coerce Curtis into the whole hooker/blowjob scene whenever possible. I take it Danny is supposed to be the comic relief, but most of his jokes involve telling his wife she’s ugly and unfuckable and he would rather get it from a prostitute. That’s more mean than funny.
Things get really hairy when Angels discovers she’s pregnant just as she begins to suspect Curtis of cheating on her with a client. Astute viewers may have seen this coming because Angela can’t stop farting or puking. She does both constantly, leading one to conclude that the writers, never having met a real pregnant lady, did all their script research on Yahoo Answers. To further complicate matters, Curtis decides Angela must have cheated on him because he has been “double bagging” so there’s no way that baby is his. They have a Three’s Company argument in which neither party actually says what’s bothering them, leading them to assume the worst. What follows is a madcap series of misunderstandings. Will these two ever work it out? What about those other two? Whatever! Probably!
In a nutshell, this is what we can learn from “Baby on Board”: All men are pigs and all women are crazy because they spend all their time wondering if their pig husbands are cheating on them. Half the time, they’re right. But it’s only because some men don’t know how to express love. Also, when you’re pregnant, you fart and puke a lot, but it’s still possible to hold down a job. There. I just saved you 95 minutes of your life. Time enough to get a blowjob from a prostitute! You’re welcome.
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