ACTIONGIRLS: SOLDIERS OF THE DEAD PART ONE

0 Stars
Year Released: 2007
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 95 minutes
Click to Expand Credits:

Just when I think that Hollywood has the monopoly on bad filmmaking, along comes something like “Actiongirls” to prove me totally wrong. Apparently, even indie filmmaking can be godawful, and here’s all the proof we need!

“Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead Part One” basically puts us in your class-X post-Apocalyptic war zone setting. Instead of nukes or zombies for an impetus, however, this time we get plagues. They’re pretty efficient plagues, too, killing “billions” of people. Considering there are only six billion on the face of the earth, at a minimum we’re talking about a third of humanity dead. This of course does horrible things to the stock market and, apparently, without a functioning stock market the lights don’t stay on.

This turns the planet into some kind of horrible backward roiling war, and excuse to get a whole lot of chicks naked, if you believe “Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead part one”.

Did I mention that the leading gang in this planet of psychopaths is a female slave trader with the entirely-too-perfect name of Helman Himmler?

Right now I’m shaking my head in smirking disgust. The trailer alone–which they showed at the beginning of the movie with only the fast-forward and track advance buttons as a hope for getting into the movie itself–is only inches from soft-core porn. The rest of the movie will hope for no higher.

Meanwhile, almost as if the movie feels guilty about turning women into commodities, breeding tools and pit fighters, the only ones apparently willing to resist Himmler’s regime are “strong-willed women”. According to “Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead part one” not one man on the face of the earth is interested in fighting this system. I guess they’re either in hiding or licking Himmler’s boots.

Someone needs to introduce Scotty JX to Valerie Solanis. They’ll get along swimmingly.

Oh, and one of my favorite things to smirk over was the opening feast scene at Himmlers compound, where there were subtitles for inaudible dialogue. I’m guessing it was supposed to be foreign language being “translated” for us, but I really couldn’t hear actual words most of the time, even foreign ones. This will actually continue for most of the movie, with almost no actual dialogue and some occasional subtitles. Communication in this one is basically: grunt laugh smirk smirk rape fight grunt grunt kill rape grunt. Oh, and screaming from the ladies–lots of that. It’s no wonder it’ll take until the closing credits for someone to take credit for writing this swill–it almost writes itself. And what a surprise–it’s Scotty JX. Solely responsible for the direction, writing and production of this cinematic dungheap, Scotty JX gets all the blame for this misery detail.

Thank you, Scotty JX, for giving me such a waste of plastic to write about.

Frankly, this is horrible. I got twenty minutes in and I was already thinking about something else. Trying to spot all the inaccuracies, logical fallacies, and sheer horseshit going on in this movie would have been an exercise in futility so massive it would waste time that does not exist yet. It is a temporal impossibility on DVD.

It was so bad, I wanted ninety minutes of my life back at the thirty minute mark.

Perhaps the only thing worse than the existence of “Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead part one” is the overwhelming terror of the fact that it is, in fact, only part one. There’s going to be more of this garbage down the line, and this fills me with a cold dread the likes of which I haven’t felt since the 2004 presidential election.

I can’t recommend this in good conscience to anybody. The mere fact that garbage like this even exists lowers the concept of film. It is a drag on cinema that makes me wish I were watching Uwe Boll instead of it.



Posted on February 29, 2008 in Reviews by
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