BLOOD KISS

1 Stars
Year Released: 1999
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 120 minutes
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Danny Dodd (Jeff Murphy) is a fat guy with a bad haircut, who also has a charming wife and daughter. Danny looks to be the kind of dude who sucks down a lot of Budweiser, eats a lot of Cheetos and has probably either been a guest on “Jerry Springer” or “Cops”. His wife also has a definite trailer park vibe, and you know trouble’s brewin’ when she buys a book on the occult from a highly unconvincing “gypsy” by the side of the road.
For reasons not really worth explaining, her purchase ends up bringing back a vampire named Adam Mortis (Steve Lee) from the grave. Adam is really good at rolling his eyes back in his head–which no doubt helped at his audition.
Our man Mortis not only likes sucking human blood, but he also has a taste for sex with skanky chicks with bad tattoos, who look like they probably get the afternoon shift at the local strip joint–if they’re lucky.
In the midst of all this highly distasteful undead lovin’, tragedy befalls Danny’s strange little family when the vampires-who-can’t-act take the lives of his classy wife and sneering punkette daughter.
Ten years go by and Danny still has the same bad hair and bad clothes, but now he’s on the trail of that dastardly Mortis. And while we don’t actually get to see Danny eat a lot of cheeseburgers, his gut speaks volumes. Furthermore, with the gastrointestinal problems caused by all that bad eating, it seems almost a given that there’s a veritable symphony of flatulence blasting out of his ass on a fairly regular basis.
“Blood Kiss” sports plenty of nudity, fake sex, fake blood and fake acting. A lesbian vampire flick should be fun, sexy and enjoyably campy. This film doesn’t deliver on anything it promises.



Posted on April 10, 2001 in Reviews by
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