EXCALIBURGER

1 Stars
Year Released: 2001
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 90 minutes
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Drama Nerds. They surround us. They are the guys we buy comics from, they are the girls who single-handedly support the failing peasant blouse industry. They are the men and women who’s brutal insecurities usually keep them silent. Until of course you say something about the Simpsons they can correct you on, or you bring out the video camera.
Such is “Excaliburger.” A 90-minute minute budget ren-faire telling of “Excalibur.” But … with a spatula instead of a sword. Yeah, I know, that was a Spongebob Squarepants plot. Whatever. That’s not the point. The point is this actually claims to be a FILM. A film with a bunch of 19 year-old kids who make all sorts of wannabe Pythonesqe references, don’t know when to reel it in and can’t keep a straight face. Sounds great to you? Then you must be related to them.
Arthur the King (Ben Sipprell) dies after producing no heirs and Merlin (David Ashe) sticks the spatula in the stone and whoever pulls it out will end up being King. Fast food worker, Spanky (Garret Gillchrist), who sounds like the lamer of the two Darren Stevens on crack, is told to go on his quest to find the spatula. Getting in all sorts of mischief he meets a variety of wacky rouges along the way… none of whom I could tell you about since I spent the majority of the film out back, kicking the crap out of my Slam Man exercise machine trying to blow off some of that “Must chop Spanky in the head with a hatchet” steam. Hacky. Pageanty. Hammy. All that with costumes that look like Mom bought the “Big Dress Up Box” from Lillian Vernon catalog. The plot is impossible to follow and I almost shut the thing off for good several times after watching Spanky (our writer-director-leading man) read his lines from off camera. The guy WROTE the damn lines for chrissake, the least he could do for us is memorize them.
Okay, okay, … the film wasn’t an entire waste of videtape, it had a few funny lines, a couple good actors. David Ashe who had a multitude of roles was a bright spot, as was Justin Bielawa who played Stan (Satan, get it?), despite his outdated and boringly sexist “I’m the prince of darkness and she just wants to see the bling, bling” scene with Arthur. Michelle Caruso as Arthur and Jennifer Simmons as Oona were great, considering, and I hope they at least got the Sizzler “all you can eat” for their hard work. The special effects with the dragon were pretty funny, in a very Ray Harryhousesn’s blind/retarded brother way
I would have liked this film if it had been 20 minutes long. I would have loved it if it had been 10. I would have bought copies for all my friends if it was just 5 minutes of that boy felating the cucumber. Unfortunately it was 90 minutes, with only about 8 seconds of cucumber. You can force your family and friends to sit through an hour and a half inside joke… but to ask anyone else to do it is a crime.
A personal note to the boys of Orange Cow Productions. The women support your act. They deserve as much credit as the rest of you, if not more for bringing a slight breeze of quality to your vast deserted wasteland of lameness. You are lucky that you have chicks that hot hanging out with you at all. Usually, for guys like you, it takes at least a mouthful of roofies. Buy them flowers, candy, dildos, and turn the other cheek when they sleep around. Become a cunning linguist in their honor. And most of all, Thank them daily for not kicking you in the crotch.



Posted on September 17, 2001 in Reviews by
Buffer


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