MINTY: THE ASSASSIN

4 Stars
Year Released: 2009
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 80 minutes
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Best known for films that are provocative and eccentric, Cinema Epoch’s “Minty: The Assassin” is no exception. That being said, “Minty” is not for everyone, and really, only for those who are exceedingly patient—and not hoping to stray too far beyond the obvious. And you know what? That can be fun sometimes.

So who’s this Minty character, with the name like candy, you ask? Why, she’s a very sexy girl who eats mint chocolate, of course… lots and lots of it. In fact, not only is mint chocolate chock-full of antioxidants (she explains), but consuming chocolate is precisely the way the ambiguously intellectual Minty (Elina Madison) achieves the prowess needed to be a super-assassin.

Now you’re putting us on, you say.

Not really. After all, you believe in Popeye and his spinach, right?

Right.

“Minty: The Assassin,” and it’s convoluted, sometimes-animated characters and plot are concocted by newcomer-filmmaker, Eugene Baldovino. As Baldovino’s story unfolds, we learn that Minty is on a mission to save her boss, aptly named Big Boss (Anthony Ray Parker)— who is actually more spiritual-mentor than honcho—a la Master Po and Grasshopper in the 1970s TV-series, “Kung Fu.”

Somehow or other, the ordinarily power-packed, Big Boss manages to get in the cross-hairs of a mad neurologist, named Doctor Brain Bender (Chip Joslin), and is locked high up in a Clock Tower in Bender’s multi-floored, laboratory-building. Able to communicate with the ever weakening Big Boss, Minty must strategically ward off an endless supply of crazed-villains, which she does with ease—after consuming her always accessible, mint chocolate, of course.

So does Minty have any vulnerabilities, you ask?

Well, really, only one. The super-voluptuous, lesbian vampire named Double Delicious (Tabitha Taylor). In fact, the only one who can ever discombobulate our almost perfect heroine is the seductive Double D—especially when the vampire devolves into cartoon-mode.

And perhaps these sequences—especially one far too lengthy, cartoon-sex scene between Double D and Minty—try the patience to capacity, and perhaps, destroy Baldovino’s very precocious movie.

Still, I use the word ‘perhaps,’ because as you know, movies will be movies, and are, after all, very subjective things…

So all I can urge, is that you don’t go by any of the critical reviews of “Minty: The Assassin,” and that includes my own, until you see the film for yourself.
Then, let’s talk…

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Posted on October 26, 2011 in Reviews by
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