APE CANYON (DVD)

APE CANYON (DVD)
4.5 Stars
Year Released: 2002
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 84 minutes
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It’s the best damn Sasquatch movie ever made! We open up on a young woman, alone in the woods, hanging out in her tent reading a teenybopper magazine. She’s suddenly interrupted by a fearsome howl and then we see him – what’s supposed to be Sasquatch in this movie is actually one of the flimsiest, rattiest gorilla suits you’ve ever seen. But this doesn’t stop the young woman from being scared shitless as Sasquatch tries to claw his way into her tent…with his rubber gorilla gloves. She manages to break free and runs through the woods as if the Squatch were hot on her tail. He isn’t of course. He’s gotten himself entangled in the tent, flailing about like a retarded baby. But, only a moment later, he’s upon our damsel in distress and proceeds to rape her, with her jeans on even. We’ll just imagine that the Squatch has a dick almighty that can rip through denim like a beaver through a box of crackers…
After this opening rape scene, we get the opening credits over a recreation of the classic Bigfoot footage using that ratty gorilla suit. Yes, this sure as hell beats the shit out of “Harry and the Hendersons.”
We then find a different young woman wandering through the same woods, calling out for the Squatch. Turns out that she too had been raped by the hairy-assed beast and she’s looking for some more. In fact, we soon find out that all of the lovely young ladies the Squatch comes in contact with wind up falling for his special brand of monkey love. Sasquatch is the true Sweet Dick Willie.
Unable to find her true love, this young woman returns home to her huckleberry, couch potato husband where she pines away for Bigfoot, writing bad poetry and drawing pictures a kindergartener would make fun of.
Meanwhile, the Squatch is busy acting a fool throughout the woods, dancing about, engaging in fisticuffs with the local yokels, pissing on people, playing with himself, taking big, splattery shits, transforming more women into his love slaves and even napping Britney Spears magazines for his masturbatory purposes. In one classic scene, we come upon a young man sitting on his bed, pouring over a Britney Spears pictorial when Sasquatch reaches through the window and snatches the mag out of his hands. The young man cries in despair over his kidnapped pop-idol, ending his fit by screaming – “FUCKING BIGFOOT!”
Back at the trailer, the huckleberry husband catches wind of something funny going on. It’s his wife’s rancid panties covered in Squatch fur and her drawings of the creature that lead him to believe that she’s having an affair with the one and only Bigfoot. So he grabs a gun and heads out into the woods to find the Squatch, “Come on out, Saskootch,” and winds up having a little Bigfoot “experience” himself.
Seriously, this is the funniest Sasquatch movie ever made. Even Jim “Answer Me!” Goad likes it and that guy hates everything.



Posted on April 29, 2003 in Reviews by
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