2 Stars
Year Released: 2003
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 90 minutes
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Not since Joseph Pander’s lead gal Roxy Hearts, in “Suck It & See,” have I ever witnessed such a stunning female star. Who cares what “Blood Gnome” is about?!? Mellissa Pursley – Mellissa Pursley – Mellissa Pursley. It’s all about Mellissa Pursley. I am in love with Mellissa Pursley. And here, I thought it would all just be a little harmless fun waiting to see Julie Strain’s boobies. I wasn’t disappointed in that arena, but I had already started to masturbate and finished twice before those bounteous bags came out, and I blame Mellissa Pursley.

So, anyway, the actual flick – the blood gnome was kinda cute, someone raided the prop dept. on the “Ghoulies” set – and there was some slick editing which made the movie better than it should have been, but it’s really only the females that save the film. The hot Ri Walton, the stunning Julie Strain, the blazing Mellissa Purseley, some cute goth couple who get the tar razored from them by some cranky blood gnomes, and the Porcelain Twinz. Take away these factors and trust me, you have no film.

Basically, there are blood gnomes, a buncha bdsm types who engage in bloodsports, and one cranky mama monster, hiding in a box. Latex-clad cuties are dying and it’s up to some dorky crime scene photographer, who um, loads infrared film in a brightly lit room, to save everyone – since he is the only one that can see them through his munchie, er, I mean, gnome-cam.

The acronym “bdsm” is actually stated and thrown around so many times, I wonder if this just wasn’t some new fetish of the director, or if he had actually just heard it for the first time, and wanted to use it as many times as possible. But, no matter, really, the women are so hot, there is a girl-girl bondage sequence waiting for repeated viewings, and a nifty little scene with an adorable bloodsport couple, with blood flying, smeared everywhere, coming down the walls, that you just know had to be fun to shoot – hell, I wish someone would have called me – I’d have done it for free.

Posted on January 2, 2003 in Reviews by

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