0 Stars
Year Released: 2005
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 90 minutes
Click to Expand Credits:

As a horror movie buff who lived through the early 80’s Z-budget straight to video nasties I’ve seen a lot of bad movies. I mean a LOT of bad movies. Yet, no matter what, I have never felt dirty and ashamed of myself for watching a film until now.

“Killers in the woods” is the cinematic equivalent of plopping your naked ass cheeks down on a public toilet seat and realizing you’ve just sat into someone else’s cold diarrhea.

There’s no story, just “stuff” happening. It starts with a guy chasing a girl, killing her, and then handling her body while the camera lovingly lingers on her corpse. Then we cut to a shot of the guy talking directly to the viewers as if he’s on some sort of demented reality TV show. This same pattern of sequences is repeated about twenty times with little variation. He kills then he talks, he kills the he talks. I don’t know which is worse; the crappy killings or the REALLY crappy talking. I only wish that the boring non-story was the worst of it, but noooo… Just when you think they’ve settled into meaningless repetitive nonsense, the filmmakers randomly add scenes from other movies into their shit; even going so far as splicing two scenes together that obviously don’t fit and being so inept that they can’t even make seem it humorous at least. Let’s not even get into the hideous acting and direction. I’ve seen security camera videos with better cinematography.

Look, I’m a nice guy. I don’t like giving bad reviews any more than the people who make movies like getting them. No matter how awful a film I always make an effort to mention the positive without softballing my opinion. But in this case I don’t feel the least bit bad calling this non-movie a gigantic stinking turd because there is no positive and no one behind or in front of the camera made any effort at all to do anything except waste my time, be sure they don’t waste yours.

Posted on July 19, 2006 in Reviews by

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