0 Stars
Year Released: 2006
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Running Time: 13 minutes
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Now, it’s not every day that I get to start off the detailing of a movie experience by mentioning a knife shoved upward through someone’s lower palate. I would have thought that “The Punisher” remake was at least the last time I could remember that, but no. No, I’ve got a new knifey extravaganza to discuss–“Hell’s Graveyard”. Seriously. It’s the cover art. Considering that just over the first minute of a thirteen minute movie is graveyard statuary shot in what looks like night vision, and most of the second minute is occupied by a shower scene involving a naked chick, I don’t hold out too much hope for this poor, poor movie’s audience.

And indeed, my low expectations will be satisfied with the appearance of “Rocky”, a surprisingly large mullet-clad individual who has the amazing talent of teleportation (watch as he repeatedly suddenly appears in shots where he should have to cover great distances instead!) and has elevated the phrase “dirty little whore” to a new level of artistry that allows it to be greeting, curse, AND death threat all in one fell swoop.
As for a plot, I’m pretty sure there is one in here somewhere, but it’s really rather obscured by the sudden discovery that the first three and a half minutes were a flashback. Yeah, no kind of advance warning or anything–checked twice–just suddenly jumps to “present day” about three and a half minutes in. The first third of the movie is a flashback and we don’t even get to know it’s a flashback until after that third expires.

Wow–that’s got to be a new low. And it is a new low, until the film somehow manages to go even lower. Strange plot events with seemingly little or no impact on the main plot–which frankly, I’m still confused about–will crop up with all the disturbing regularity of a train schedule. The acting is half-assed at its best, and looks more like they’re reading their lines cold off cue cards than actually acting.
Though in all fairness, I will say that I haven’t laughed at a short horror film like this in quite some time. There’s a lot to laugh about here–the cheesy acting, the horrible set design, the downright confusing plot elements, the insulting “psychic flash” one of the characters gets about two thirds of the way through, the fact that one of our characters is actually plotting to burn down a house armed only with a book of matches–did I mention the house is clearly made of brick?–plenty!

“Hell’s Graveyard” is easily one of the most insulting and thoroughly idiotic horror movies I’ve seen lately. Using all the oldest horror movie cliches and putting them in a package too short to actually do anything with is a guaranteed formula to assemble nothing short of pure garbage. Unless, of course, they were actually trying to be funny with this one, in which case I give it due credit for succeeding. If they wanted a horror movie, it’s utter crap. If they wanted a comedy built around horror cliches, then I give them their due kudos, as it worked.

Posted on April 9, 2007 in Reviews by

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One Comment on "HELL’S GRAVEYARD"

  1. Aaron Pynn on Fri, 7th Jan 2011 1:32 pm 

    Hi doubt the people you review rarely get back to you especially when you give such scathing reviews. I am the writer of Hell’s Cemetery(not Graveyard by the way) and thought a little insight might be of interest.
    I spent quite awhile on the script and it was meant as a feature btw so you can imagine my shock when I saw it.
    Heres a capsule of what the film was suppose to be about. It was suppose to be a dual ghost story. Where the ghost of the daughter and the mother both appeared and it is not known until near the end which one is actually commiting the crimes. One of the male leads, either left or passed away, and instead of recasting they just cut out all his scenes.(he was the lead btw)
    It was a first production by a company and I was mortified when I saw it but there heart was in the right place unfortunately most of the actual story was left out and I actually had to refer to my original script to know what was going on.
    I really appreciate that you took the time to review it. If I had the full script I’d have sent it so you could know what it was suppose to be instead of the mess that it became.
    To be fair to the company they had planned to do the entire film script down the road but I have not heard from them in ages. I assume they closed up or went under. I wrote 4 or 5 full length scripts. I like to keep them cheesy but fun. Hell’s cemetery was my first sold script. I am a huge fan of horror and I originally had it set in the 19th century during the flashback but subsequently
    had to change that because period costumes(dresses) were too expensive. Hence the suppose to be 70s era flashback.
    The reveal was suppose to happen in the graveyard caretakers house where we find out that the new girl is actually the second ghost and the other ghost was the mother warning people to leave.
    It was meant to crossover with a much more controversial horror film that I wrote for them.
    When I wrote the caretaker I had a Robert Blossom type in mind. There was a side story about one of the characters maybe being involved.(typical red herring stuff)
    Anyway thanks for the more than fair review even if you got the name wrong..lol

    It was quote the blow when I saw the film but I have a bit of pride for it as sorta of a comical footnote.

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